Page 10 | Would this bother you? I feel like it shouldn't but for some reason it is

Blushingm · 2023-03-30T16:28:33+00:00

Been with bf a year. We were both drunk last night......he told me that when he split from his wife he joined Grindr and hooked up with men on 3 occasions. He was married 23 years - met her at 18 I'm not sure if I'm feeling weird as he hooked up as that's not his usual thing or that i feel weird because they were men? He'd slept with 2 women before his wife and then me (he dated someone before me but didn't sleep with her) I think I'm being unreasonable feeling odd about it.....could also be that I'm worried he likes men more than women so I can't compete

pncr · 31/03/2023 14:41

Well I've been told I haven't been honest. Because you have to be "honest".

But I think I'm entitled to my sexual past and I owe no one any information about it.

2022again · 31/03/2023 14:43

gannett · 31/03/2023 13:01

Of course no one should date or have sex with anyone they don't want to for whatever reason.

But the biphobia that's rampant on all of these threads isn't about that. It's about the vulgar, OTT, disgusted reactions to the idea of gay sex: "get out of dodge", "grim", more vomiting emojis than you can shake a stick at. Those are biphobic. That visceral disgust you feel at the idea of a man having sex with another man - that's biphobic and probably homophobic.

It is exactly the same energy as men talking about a woman who's had an adventurous sexual past as though she's been sullied or is somehow dirty. This person doesn't fit gender ideals (a pure, modest woman or an ultra-masculine man) - disgusting! Wouldn't touch them with a bargepole!

It also makes zero sense that a person's sexual history could actually alter your feelings towards them. If you love someone and are attracted to who they are right now, does it really make a difference if you find out that half a decade ago she had a threesome or he sucked a dick? Are we reducing ourselves/other people to our sex lives here?

Bear in mind that most people don't actually know their partner's sexual histories inside out. I'd bet more men have experimented with other men (before settling into otherwise straight lives) than any of you think: experimenting with other women is so much more socially acceptable for mostly-straight women, so most of us who've done it can be fairly open about it.

If you feel viscerally about your partner's potential bisexuality, you owe it to them to actually dig into that feeling and work out where it's coming from. And you owe it to society not to post in public about how revolted you are by it.

I would say that by the time someone's in their 40s they should have a decent self-awareness of their own sexuality, so the OP's partner should be able to be honest with her about what those experiments meant. If he's in denial about his sexuality, that right there is a red flag. If he's accepted that he's bisexual to a degree, and has awareness of what that degree is, that would be fine to me.

I’m really really struggling to see how you conflate heterosexual peoples wish not to sleep with someone who is bi with “vulgar,OTT,disgusted reactions to the idea of gay sex”?? Are you the sort of person who would castigate a lesbian for saying she wouldn’t want to sleep with a trans woman?? My child finds both men and woman attractive, they’ve not got quite so far as putting this into practise but I’m happy with whoever they end up with as long as they are a nice person who treats my child well. Me saying that I wouldn’t want to sleep with a man who has had gay experiences doesn’t make me wrong. What I do say to both my kids is that honesty in relationships is very important….why would you invest a whole year in somebody then find out something about them that they’ve hidden ,that makes you want to end it??? my child has already found out that telling somebody you like them can result in rejection if that person is not gay or bi themselves, but that’s the reality of relationships isn’t it ? Surely the whole issue with being in the closet historically was people feeling unable to talk about their desires?

billy1966 · 31/03/2023 14:47

It would absolutely bother me.

bossonext · 31/03/2023 15:09

2022again · 31/03/2023 14:43

I’m really really struggling to see how you conflate heterosexual peoples wish not to sleep with someone who is bi with “vulgar,OTT,disgusted reactions to the idea of gay sex”?? Are you the sort of person who would castigate a lesbian for saying she wouldn’t want to sleep with a trans woman?? My child finds both men and woman attractive, they’ve not got quite so far as putting this into practise but I’m happy with whoever they end up with as long as they are a nice person who treats my child well. Me saying that I wouldn’t want to sleep with a man who has had gay experiences doesn’t make me wrong. What I do say to both my kids is that honesty in relationships is very important….why would you invest a whole year in somebody then find out something about them that they’ve hidden ,that makes you want to end it??? my child has already found out that telling somebody you like them can result in rejection if that person is not gay or bi themselves, but that’s the reality of relationships isn’t it ? Surely the whole issue with being in the closet historically was people feeling unable to talk about their desires?

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There are posts on this tread saying that they find busexual men repulsive, that they give them the ick, that they're more likely to cheat and that OP has no self respect if she's okay with it. That's a bit more than 'sorry, I'm just not that in to you'.

2022again · 31/03/2023 15:20

@bossonext i think if you asked a group of gay men how they would feel about sleeping with a woman you might get similar responses?

Justforlaffs · 31/03/2023 15:21

Yes it would absolutely bother me, as in I would dump him.

gannett · 31/03/2023 15:58

2022again · 31/03/2023 15:20

@bossonext i think if you asked a group of gay men how they would feel about sleeping with a woman you might get similar responses?

This analogy doesn't fit. If you asked a group of gay men how they'd feel about sleeping with a man who had previously slept with women I think they'd largely be up for it.

Your partner having had bisexual experiences does not mean you are being asked to partake in bisexuality yourself.

bossonext · 31/03/2023 16:03

2022again · 31/03/2023 15:20

@bossonext i think if you asked a group of gay men how they would feel about sleeping with a woman you might get similar responses?

Only if they were misogynistic shits.

BurbageBrook · 31/03/2023 23:40

It would bother me and I couldn't be with him.

Eyerollcentral · 31/03/2023 23:59

gannett · 31/03/2023 15:58

This analogy doesn't fit. If you asked a group of gay men how they'd feel about sleeping with a man who had previously slept with women I think they'd largely be up for it.

Your partner having had bisexual experiences does not mean you are being asked to partake in bisexuality yourself.

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You are so amazingly liberal you think all gay men or most would shag any man regardless of their history. Great! You are so progressive and not at all in to reductive stereotypes

SmugglersHaunt · 01/04/2023 00:12

It would bother me because:
a) He’s bi if not gay (I suspect the latter)
b) he’ll very probably do it again
c) he’s probably telling you so that it won’t be a surprise when you catch him doing it again

emptythelitterbox · 01/04/2023 03:42

It would bother me as it looks like some type of test.

Who knows if it was only 3 times?

Original poster

Blushingm · 01/04/2023 08:04

He's never said or done anything that makes me not trust him - as in cheating etc

We had never really discussed either of our sexual pasts.

I was surprised when he said he had only slept with 2 people (both women) before his wife and me afterwards. But the 3 men right after his marriage broke up. When he was with his ex she did used to say some awful things to him and he was eventually suicidal and emotionally a mess (I've seen evidence of some of the things like his kids would be better off never seeing him again, he repulses her in all ways)

He dated a woman briefly after the men and then me

OP posts:

ThreePoodlesinaTrenchCoat · 01/04/2023 09:48

bossonext · 31/03/2023 15:09

There are posts on this tread saying that they find busexual men repulsive, that they give them the ick, that they're more likely to cheat and that OP has no self respect if she's okay with it. That's a bit more than 'sorry, I'm just not that in to you'.

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Exactly. There's this not - so - thinly veiled sentiment in this thread that bisexuality is disgusting or repulsive, and that a bisexuality man must actually be gay and wildly promiscuous. It's dressed up as individual preference, and it's not outright stated, but it's there as a subtext.

2022again · 01/04/2023 10:36

What I'm finding is that theres a few bi people on this thread saying that their sexual history doesn't matter and they don't think they need to be open to future sexual partners about their preferences and quite a few hetero people saying that to them honesty in sexual relationships does matter?? Do the bi people on here accusing all and sundry of biphobia not see this pattern? Hiding aspects of your sexuality does absolutely nothing for successful long term relationships. If you are comfortable with your own sexuality surely you should be comfortable discussing it and to feel you need to hide it from a loved one suggests that part of you is actually ashamed.

2022again · 01/04/2023 12:42

@Blushingm have you been able to sit down when sober and have a discussion about what he told you? At the end of the day it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks it's whether you and him think you are sexually compatible and have a future together. He may well have a lot to unpack from his marriage breakdown and why things ended up as badly as they did with his ex. as his sexuality may have played a part in this (or not, but unless you have the discussions you won't know)

Original poster

Blushingm · 01/04/2023 12:51

@2022again I haven't had the chance as I've not seen him face to face since as we don't live together.

OP posts:

TedMullins · 01/04/2023 13:00

2022again · 01/04/2023 10:36

What I'm finding is that theres a few bi people on this thread saying that their sexual history doesn't matter and they don't think they need to be open to future sexual partners about their preferences and quite a few hetero people saying that to them honesty in sexual relationships does matter?? Do the bi people on here accusing all and sundry of biphobia not see this pattern? Hiding aspects of your sexuality does absolutely nothing for successful long term relationships. If you are comfortable with your own sexuality surely you should be comfortable discussing it and to feel you need to hide it from a loved one suggests that part of you is actually ashamed.

No. This isn’t what people are saying at all. Nobody is ashamed or feels they need to hide it - but I don’t feel the need to sit my partner down and explicitly walk them through every aspect of my sexual past. It’s likely it would organically arise in conversation e.g. “oh yes I know X place, I went there with a woman I dated” or that I might have a different view on something related to sexual/relationship politics that’s informed by being bisexual, so it would come up then. It wouldn’t be hidden at all, just not something I’d feel the need to purposefully mention in a “sit down, there’s something you need to know” way.

ThreePoodlesinaTrenchCoat · 01/04/2023 13:07

2022again · 01/04/2023 10:36

What I'm finding is that theres a few bi people on this thread saying that their sexual history doesn't matter and they don't think they need to be open to future sexual partners about their preferences and quite a few hetero people saying that to them honesty in sexual relationships does matter?? Do the bi people on here accusing all and sundry of biphobia not see this pattern? Hiding aspects of your sexuality does absolutely nothing for successful long term relationships. If you are comfortable with your own sexuality surely you should be comfortable discussing it and to feel you need to hide it from a loved one suggests that part of you is actually ashamed.

Well, given some of the judgemental things that have been said on this thread, if I were bi, I would be pretty cautious about who and when I disclosed to!

Original poster

Blushingm · 02/04/2023 16:42

But I do know his sexuality had no bearing on his marriage ending......things were falling apart for a long time between them. Even now he finds it hard to be assertive about things or even make decisions.

I've met his best friends, work friends and this week will be sone people from the coach he coaches for - all as his girlfriend. He's told them about me and they all want to meet me.

OP posts:

IamShirley · 12/06/2023 12:38

I would want to know how recent these encounters were. There must be increased risk of infection if he pokes it into a bloke then into your vagina.
High risk.

supravit · 12/06/2023 13:17

IamShirley · 12/06/2023 12:38

I would want to know how recent these encounters were. There must be increased risk of infection if he pokes it into a bloke then into your vagina.
High risk.

Well unless he's been cheating its been at least a year.

Original poster

Blushingm · 12/06/2023 17:27

@IamShirley just before Christmas 2021, right after he moved out of the house he lived in with his ex wife.

Nothing since then and we met end of April 2022

OP posts:

CambsAlways · 12/06/2023 19:54

It would certainly bother me, I’d dump him

50450750q · 12/06/2023 19:59

CambsAlways · 12/06/2023 19:54

It would certainly bother me, I’d dump him

Why?