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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please remind me that they don't change...

219 replies

Toomuchwine89 · 28/03/2023 06:30

I'm currently in refuge, been here for four months now (no physical violence).

Ex has flipped between love bombing, emailing via solicitor to ask me to reconcile (there's a non molestation order in place), filing for divorce, asking to stop the divorce, dropping the step kids like hot shit, saying he wants to see the step kids, applying to court to see his bio children, saying he doesn't want to go through court, applying for a prohibited steps order to stop us moving anywhere, but not letting us back to the family home while I'm stuck in refuge with six children.

Anyway yesterday was the first court hearing for the child arrangement order. It was over video link. He looked broken (but I don't feel THAT sorry for him). He was given indirect contact for now (he can drop letters and presents off to my solicitor, and I'll get charged every time ffs).

I didn't know until just before the hearing that he'd emailed the court a few days ago, basically a letter to me. Firstly he apologised for everything, accepted how terrible he'd treated us all and said he wanted to rebuild his relationship with all six kids. Then he wrote a paragraph directly to me... Basically saying how he will always love me and truly believes we can work on our marriage, especially as he's had counselling. He even said during the court hearing that he's not clear what the future will hold for me and him!

I left because of emotional, sexual and verbal abuse - with the latter mostly towards the children.

I so nearly emailed him last night, but didn't. If he replied then I could technically have had him arrested for breaking the non molestation order and I don't want to be that person.

I'm right to stay away, aren't I? Or could he have changed? We were together six years. He was bad all the way through tbf.

OP posts:
Daffodilwoman · 28/03/2023 06:36

Why take the risk?
Get rid.
Does he own the property?
Persinally I would not be paying for any crap he left with the solicitor. Is what he is sending worth the cost the solicitor us charging? I seriously doubt it. Tell your solicitor you will not be paying for it and they can keep it.
Get divorced.

Fedupofdiets · 28/03/2023 06:37

Loves you does he? Shame he didnt think about that when he was abusing you and your DC. No he will not change, he is manipulating you to get you back where he wants you. Please do not do this to yourself but more importantly your DC, you all deserve to be free of abuse and putting them back in firing line would be a terrible decision on your part you have to protect them op. You have come so far already and it must be incredibly difficult but there can be no way back Flowers

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 28/03/2023 06:39

Also FWIW, since I've left I've been very different. I look younger, my periods have come back after 2.5 years, I've joined a gym (never been to one in my life 😳), started learning a new language, reconnected with my sister who I haven't seen for years and registered for a Law degree.

The children are also doing really well. The youngest has come on in leaps and bounds. The 3 year old isn't as jumpy and on edge anymore. The eldest is doing better at school.

OP posts:
callthataspade · 28/03/2023 06:39

You're at a point where all contact is through your solicitor with a non mol order living in a refuge

You've got to that point for a reason

And no. They don't change. They hide it again until they can start the abuse again

You know deep down he can't change. You're just hopeful.

I'm so sorry you're at this point. But you've done really well to get out. Stay strong. You're being a great mum.

MarieRoseMarie · 28/03/2023 06:40

Who cares if he “loves you”? He’s abused the children for fuck’s sake. How can you “love him”? How can you watch him abuse children and even like him?

PUT THEM FIRST

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 28/03/2023 06:40

Fedupofdiets · 28/03/2023 06:37

Loves you does he? Shame he didnt think about that when he was abusing you and your DC. No he will not change, he is manipulating you to get you back where he wants you. Please do not do this to yourself but more importantly your DC, you all deserve to be free of abuse and putting them back in firing line would be a terrible decision on your part you have to protect them op. You have come so far already and it must be incredibly difficult but there can be no way back Flowers

Thank you. I know you're right deep down but I just feel so bad that he keeps trying and I keep ignoring it all. And I don't want to regret it when he meets someone else and starts love bombing her!

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 28/03/2023 06:41

MarieRoseMarie · 28/03/2023 06:40

Who cares if he “loves you”? He’s abused the children for fuck’s sake. How can you “love him”? How can you watch him abuse children and even like him?

PUT THEM FIRST

I didn't say I loved him?

OP posts:
78thcat · 28/03/2023 06:41

I think you have answered your own question OP. You have 100% done the right thing. You cannot put your children back into that situation. Speaking as someone that suffered verbal and emotional abuse through childhood, it has a tragic and lifelong impact. His behaviour now is all part of the cycle of abuse. It is vanishingly unlikely that he has changed in this short space of time, and his erratic behaviour demonstrates this. He is now trying to get you back by appealing to your better nature. This is just pure manipulation. He is deeply damaged. If you did return then the abuse will almost certainly continue.

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 28/03/2023 06:43

callthataspade · 28/03/2023 06:39

You're at a point where all contact is through your solicitor with a non mol order living in a refuge

You've got to that point for a reason

And no. They don't change. They hide it again until they can start the abuse again

You know deep down he can't change. You're just hopeful.

I'm so sorry you're at this point. But you've done really well to get out. Stay strong. You're being a great mum.

Thank you. The "hiding" part is so accurate. Ugh I hate how thick he is, yet so good at manipulation! He was nearly crying on the bloody video link. Said how it's "unfair" he can't see the youngest on her birthday this week. He just wants to kiss and cuddle her. But he's constantly missing the memo that it's NOT ABOUT WHAT HE WANTS

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 28/03/2023 06:45

78thcat · 28/03/2023 06:41

I think you have answered your own question OP. You have 100% done the right thing. You cannot put your children back into that situation. Speaking as someone that suffered verbal and emotional abuse through childhood, it has a tragic and lifelong impact. His behaviour now is all part of the cycle of abuse. It is vanishingly unlikely that he has changed in this short space of time, and his erratic behaviour demonstrates this. He is now trying to get you back by appealing to your better nature. This is just pure manipulation. He is deeply damaged. If you did return then the abuse will almost certainly continue.

He is so so damaged. I started realising this a long time ago but I felt very trapped with no job, so many children, married etc. I've left everything behind and had to give up my dog and business but I must have thought it was worth it four months ago

OP posts:
Clusterfunk · 28/03/2023 06:47

If you ever get weak, look at the paragraph you’ve written about how much better your children are doing without him there. He damages them. Stay strong for them OP. Your life sounds like it’s getting better and brighter without him. Don’t go back to misery and darkness. 💐

ThisWormHasTurned · 28/03/2023 06:51

Men like this aren’t truly capable of love. That message is still a way of trying to manipulate you! Go and look in the mirror, you are thriving without him even though you are living in a refuge! That speaks volumes.
I’m no expert but it sounds like you are trauma bonded to this man. I’d recommend checking out Caroline Strawson on social media, see if anything she talks about rings true. It’s been enlightening for me coming out of a toxic marriage.
You’ve come so far! You deserve so much more than what he is offering.

Cookiecrush · 28/03/2023 06:54

You have done the right thing @Toomuchwine89 for:

  • yourself (you are learning new skills and your period has come back)
  • all the children (they are more relaxed and happy)
  • your future (your law degree).

If he was decent, he would have respected your decision to divorce, would have felt it wasn't right but would have listened and accepted it.

This guy is not respecting your decision (which shows he isn't sorry and hasn't changed) by writing letters, contacting solicitor like 1 billion times.

You are amazing and so strong for leaving and not listening to his bs : keep going !!!!!!

Don't go back!!!

Fedupofdiets · 28/03/2023 06:56

You won't regret it you will pity the poor person he meets. You have just pointed out how great you are all doing so why oh why would you even consider undoing that? Move forward and do not look back.

euff · 28/03/2023 06:57

What @Clusterfunk said. Screenshot that or pin it up somewhere. Read it often.

'FWIW, since I've left I've been very different. I look younger, my periods have come back after 2.5 years, I've joined a gym (never been to one in my life 😳), started learning a new language, reconnected with my sister who I haven't seen for years and registered for a Law degree.

The children are also doing really well. The youngest has come on in leaps and bounds. The 3 year old isn't as jumpy and on edge anymore. The eldest is doing better at school.'

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 28/03/2023 07:01

Every time you feel like messaging him just look at your children and how well they are doing now. They deserve a safe home and childhood and you are giving it to them. You are doing so well and should be proud of yourself. Don't fall for his manipulative games.

Keep putting yourself and your kids first, he doesn't deserve your pity or concern Flowers

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 28/03/2023 07:03

Many years ago I fell for it op. I left and he spent 6 months love bombing me. Of I had been in mn back then I could have been warned! I went back. Even married him. Regretted it within a fortnight.. Filed for divorced after a year when he nearly killed us drink driving..

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 28/03/2023 07:06

Clusterfunk · 28/03/2023 06:47

If you ever get weak, look at the paragraph you’ve written about how much better your children are doing without him there. He damages them. Stay strong for them OP. Your life sounds like it’s getting better and brighter without him. Don’t go back to misery and darkness. 💐

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 28/03/2023 07:07

ThisWormHasTurned · 28/03/2023 06:51

Men like this aren’t truly capable of love. That message is still a way of trying to manipulate you! Go and look in the mirror, you are thriving without him even though you are living in a refuge! That speaks volumes.
I’m no expert but it sounds like you are trauma bonded to this man. I’d recommend checking out Caroline Strawson on social media, see if anything she talks about rings true. It’s been enlightening for me coming out of a toxic marriage.
You’ve come so far! You deserve so much more than what he is offering.

Yeh the trauma bond is real. Ooh I have seen some of her work actually! She's good

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 28/03/2023 07:11

Cookiecrush · 28/03/2023 06:54

You have done the right thing @Toomuchwine89 for:

  • yourself (you are learning new skills and your period has come back)
  • all the children (they are more relaxed and happy)
  • your future (your law degree).

If he was decent, he would have respected your decision to divorce, would have felt it wasn't right but would have listened and accepted it.

This guy is not respecting your decision (which shows he isn't sorry and hasn't changed) by writing letters, contacting solicitor like 1 billion times.

You are amazing and so strong for leaving and not listening to his bs : keep going !!!!!!

Don't go back!!!

Thank you. I'm not even the one who started divorce proceedings!! Can't bloody afford that right now. It was him. Then two weeks later he said via a solicitor that he wants to "save his marriage and the family he has". I suspect he's in despair because he clearly got me pregnant to "keep" me and then he had the snip so he doesn't even have that tactic to control someone else! And it's always been his worst nightmare for me to be with someone else, so I think that's a major driving force behind all of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 28/03/2023 07:13

Fedupofdiets · 28/03/2023 06:56

You won't regret it you will pity the poor person he meets. You have just pointed out how great you are all doing so why oh why would you even consider undoing that? Move forward and do not look back.

I honestly don't know!! I don't even WANT to go back. I don't know how he does this to my head.

It feels like I'm a runaway teenager with mum and dad telling me to stop being silly and come back home...

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 28/03/2023 07:13

euff · 28/03/2023 06:57

What @Clusterfunk said. Screenshot that or pin it up somewhere. Read it often.

'FWIW, since I've left I've been very different. I look younger, my periods have come back after 2.5 years, I've joined a gym (never been to one in my life 😳), started learning a new language, reconnected with my sister who I haven't seen for years and registered for a Law degree.

The children are also doing really well. The youngest has come on in leaps and bounds. The 3 year old isn't as jumpy and on edge anymore. The eldest is doing better at school.'

Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
LiliLil · 28/03/2023 07:41

I can’t imagine how difficult it must be living in a refuge with your children, or what it took for you to get there.

What you’re feeling now is NORMAL. You are trauma bonded, and of course your brain is wired to think that maybe he’s different this time, and if he’s different that means you can all go home and be a happy family. You still want to believe that the good parts (and I bet the good was SO good wasn’t it?) are the real him.

But they’re not.

You have done so well getting you and your children away from him. Just look at what you wrote about the children and how they are now - you did that for them.

He is incapable of change. You know who he really is and you must never go back. Your new life is so close now, keep moving forward x

Thisisworsethananticpated · 28/03/2023 07:48

You have made so much progress !
and I’m sorry that he did that to you and to the kids

keep going
don’t look back

if anything the fact you are in a refuge with the kids and he’s in the house says it all

keep going
he won’t change

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 28/03/2023 08:00

LiliLil · 28/03/2023 07:41

I can’t imagine how difficult it must be living in a refuge with your children, or what it took for you to get there.

What you’re feeling now is NORMAL. You are trauma bonded, and of course your brain is wired to think that maybe he’s different this time, and if he’s different that means you can all go home and be a happy family. You still want to believe that the good parts (and I bet the good was SO good wasn’t it?) are the real him.

But they’re not.

You have done so well getting you and your children away from him. Just look at what you wrote about the children and how they are now - you did that for them.

He is incapable of change. You know who he really is and you must never go back. Your new life is so close now, keep moving forward x

Thank you, that was very helpful ❤️

Yes the good was amazing. He treated me like a queen. But there was usually a price to pay, in hindsight.

OP posts: