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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please remind me that they don't change...

219 replies

Toomuchwine89 · 28/03/2023 06:30

I'm currently in refuge, been here for four months now (no physical violence).

Ex has flipped between love bombing, emailing via solicitor to ask me to reconcile (there's a non molestation order in place), filing for divorce, asking to stop the divorce, dropping the step kids like hot shit, saying he wants to see the step kids, applying to court to see his bio children, saying he doesn't want to go through court, applying for a prohibited steps order to stop us moving anywhere, but not letting us back to the family home while I'm stuck in refuge with six children.

Anyway yesterday was the first court hearing for the child arrangement order. It was over video link. He looked broken (but I don't feel THAT sorry for him). He was given indirect contact for now (he can drop letters and presents off to my solicitor, and I'll get charged every time ffs).

I didn't know until just before the hearing that he'd emailed the court a few days ago, basically a letter to me. Firstly he apologised for everything, accepted how terrible he'd treated us all and said he wanted to rebuild his relationship with all six kids. Then he wrote a paragraph directly to me... Basically saying how he will always love me and truly believes we can work on our marriage, especially as he's had counselling. He even said during the court hearing that he's not clear what the future will hold for me and him!

I left because of emotional, sexual and verbal abuse - with the latter mostly towards the children.

I so nearly emailed him last night, but didn't. If he replied then I could technically have had him arrested for breaking the non molestation order and I don't want to be that person.

I'm right to stay away, aren't I? Or could he have changed? We were together six years. He was bad all the way through tbf.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 28/03/2023 20:44

LiliLil · 28/03/2023 17:24

I’m sorry you had an abusive upbringing.

You’ve broken the cycle for your children. You should be so proud of that x

Ah I really hope so! Thank you x

OP posts:
newwings · 28/03/2023 22:23

Toomuchwine89 · 28/03/2023 06:39

Also FWIW, since I've left I've been very different. I look younger, my periods have come back after 2.5 years, I've joined a gym (never been to one in my life 😳), started learning a new language, reconnected with my sister who I haven't seen for years and registered for a Law degree.

The children are also doing really well. The youngest has come on in leaps and bounds. The 3 year old isn't as jumpy and on edge anymore. The eldest is doing better at school.

Erm you've answered it yourself? This speaks volumes. Don't get suckered back. He isn't your responsibility.

Jacketspudtunamayo · 28/03/2023 22:28

Toomuchwine89 · 28/03/2023 06:39

Also FWIW, since I've left I've been very different. I look younger, my periods have come back after 2.5 years, I've joined a gym (never been to one in my life 😳), started learning a new language, reconnected with my sister who I haven't seen for years and registered for a Law degree.

The children are also doing really well. The youngest has come on in leaps and bounds. The 3 year old isn't as jumpy and on edge anymore. The eldest is doing better at school.

Read your own post back, whenever you feel like he’s a “changed man”

You are all thriving. Let that be enough to never go back.

Good Luck to you & your children x

123wentaway · 28/03/2023 22:31

Toomuchwine89 · 28/03/2023 06:39

Also FWIW, since I've left I've been very different. I look younger, my periods have come back after 2.5 years, I've joined a gym (never been to one in my life 😳), started learning a new language, reconnected with my sister who I haven't seen for years and registered for a Law degree.

The children are also doing really well. The youngest has come on in leaps and bounds. The 3 year old isn't as jumpy and on edge anymore. The eldest is doing better at school.

Wow! Keep reading this —- this is what you’ve achieved in a few months. Imagine where you’ll be next year and the year after.
No man who ever abused my child in any way would ever see them again. Remember why you left.
Best of luck for the future, you deserve everything you achieve.

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 29/03/2023 06:09

newwings · 28/03/2023 22:23

Erm you've answered it yourself? This speaks volumes. Don't get suckered back. He isn't your responsibility.

Show quote history

Thank you. His main tactic has always been to get people to feel sorry for him, so I guess he's still doing it

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 29/03/2023 08:00

My dad did that too. Classic manipulative abuser.

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 29/03/2023 09:49

Wolfiefan · 29/03/2023 08:00

My dad did that too. Classic manipulative abuser.

Oh wow, really? Sorry you had to go through that.

Just got the court order through and tbh I'm pretty gutted. I've got to get the children to reply to his stupid letters every two weeks! It just feels so invasive. I have six children on my own and two are too young to read and write. Why the hell should I have to spend hours making hand print cards etc for him?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 29/03/2023 09:53

Please someone help. This almost feels worse than sending them off to a contact centre!

Also, we've got to think about how contact will look at the next hearing in May :( would I get away with saying I don't want it to progress to direct?!

Honestly since I've started writing my statement of allegations, it really does highlight how dangerous he could potentially be in some ways (although of course is currently the doting dad and victim in all of this)

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 29/03/2023 10:12

The two that don’t write? Give them a pencil and a piece of paper and have a cup of tea. Write name and date and file the papers for daddy, why would you do anymore? For the older ones, log on your phone 6:20pm to 6:40pm sat them all down with paper to write a note to dad /ex stepdad. Asked them to make sure their name was on it, wrote name for those who haven’t. Whatever’s there is what he gets, wipe it out of your brain for a fortnight.

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 29/03/2023 10:15

Codlingmoths · 29/03/2023 10:12

The two that don’t write? Give them a pencil and a piece of paper and have a cup of tea. Write name and date and file the papers for daddy, why would you do anymore? For the older ones, log on your phone 6:20pm to 6:40pm sat them all down with paper to write a note to dad /ex stepdad. Asked them to make sure their name was on it, wrote name for those who haven’t. Whatever’s there is what he gets, wipe it out of your brain for a fortnight.

Oh thank you ❤️ screen shotting this!

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 29/03/2023 12:15

No they do not change. All he will have learnt if you take him back is to hide it better. And he is flaying around trying to get his own way like a small child would. "Threatening you via your DC didn't work so I'll be nice, that didn't work so I'll apologise, that didn't work so I'll look broken, that didn't work ...".

I heard something the other day about with narcissists that you have got away from their every waking moment is thinking about you. Because you did get away. I think abusers are the same.

user1471538283 · 29/03/2023 12:17

@Codlingmoths - That is sheer genius! And he will be so disappointed he won't want it for long!

nuttynet · 29/03/2023 12:18

Look how far you have come. Well done, you took a brave move and it's paying off

Dont go backwards. You can only move forwards

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 29/03/2023 13:31

user1471538283 · 29/03/2023 12:15

No they do not change. All he will have learnt if you take him back is to hide it better. And he is flaying around trying to get his own way like a small child would. "Threatening you via your DC didn't work so I'll be nice, that didn't work so I'll apologise, that didn't work so I'll look broken, that didn't work ...".

I heard something the other day about with narcissists that you have got away from their every waking moment is thinking about you. Because you did get away. I think abusers are the same.

I honestly think that is true
And I think he's a narcissist too

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 29/03/2023 13:32

nuttynet · 29/03/2023 12:18

Look how far you have come. Well done, you took a brave move and it's paying off

Dont go backwards. You can only move forwards

Thank you. Just had my legal aid assessment with a new, awesome solicitor. I'm praying it'll be granted

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 29/03/2023 13:33

user1471538283 · 29/03/2023 12:17

@Codlingmoths - That is sheer genius! And he will be so disappointed he won't want it for long!

I didn't think of it like that but he, like all narcissists, NEEDS attention and adoration so am I fuck feeding that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 29/03/2023 13:36

Also -

Finally the police rang me about my ex. I had reported the coercive control back in December, but the case had to be moved to the force where the marital home is. She was lovely and I think wants me to make a statement.

But as usual, I just feel so bad. And I don't want him to get nasty again and "punish" me further...

OP posts:
Yesiamtiredactually · 29/03/2023 14:13

Firstly, you need to try to be SO proud of yourself for how extremely brave you have been and still are! A heck of a lot of people are in some terrible relationships and it feels like so few of us are capable of rational thought when it comes to people we love (and think love us). Please stay strong and keep your analytical mind switched on. Your emotional mind will want to believe the lies, especially because he probably believes his own lies so they will certainly be convincing. Also, I’m also doing the law degree course via OU and bloody loving it!!!

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 29/03/2023 15:30

Yesiamtiredactually · 29/03/2023 14:13

Firstly, you need to try to be SO proud of yourself for how extremely brave you have been and still are! A heck of a lot of people are in some terrible relationships and it feels like so few of us are capable of rational thought when it comes to people we love (and think love us). Please stay strong and keep your analytical mind switched on. Your emotional mind will want to believe the lies, especially because he probably believes his own lies so they will certainly be convincing. Also, I’m also doing the law degree course via OU and bloody loving it!!!

Omg thank you so much! What amazing motivation. So glad you're enjoying it x

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 30/03/2023 14:35

Update

After all his fucking hoo har about getting a present to the youngest on her birthday, and being given indirect contact starting tomorrow (the birthday), he now won't be able to drop off the presents/cards/letters to the solicitor tomorrow!!

He also told my solicitor that he had included in his bag of presents a gift to me "from the kids". She told him it was inappropriate and to remove it. He also asked if it would be me coming to collect the presents. She told him that was between me and her, not him.

I'm going to end up being murdered by this guy, aren't I?!

OP posts:
Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 30/03/2023 16:26

You never be face to face without your solicitor op.

Ever.

LexMitior · 30/03/2023 16:46

It's rather standard male ego in divorce and when it doesn't work then he will get nasty.

Your solicitor did right. He wants to work on you emotionally and will be trying to find another way. That can include gifts via the post, deliveries of items you have never ordered or coming to your work.

Record all of it. It really matters.

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 31/03/2023 06:00

LexMitior · 30/03/2023 16:46

It's rather standard male ego in divorce and when it doesn't work then he will get nasty.

Your solicitor did right. He wants to work on you emotionally and will be trying to find another way. That can include gifts via the post, deliveries of items you have never ordered or coming to your work.

Record all of it. It really matters.

I agree. Currently this is his only way through, as he can't send things to the refuge and I don't work.

I think he's trying to get me on my own, face to face, just once. Because that's all he expects it to take to win me round.

And I'm fully expecting him to get nasty. I'm dreading it

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 31/03/2023 06:02

If he doesn't end up dropping off the stuff today (court order states 31st March is the first day of indirect contact), is that worth keeping a note of then? This was all his bloody suggestion. It takes the piss! And why do I get the feeling he'd have made it if it was me personally collecting the gifts from him?!

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 31/03/2023 06:13

Toomuchwine89 · 31/03/2023 06:02

If he doesn't end up dropping off the stuff today (court order states 31st March is the first day of indirect contact), is that worth keeping a note of then? This was all his bloody suggestion. It takes the piss! And why do I get the feeling he'd have made it if it was me personally collecting the gifts from him?!

youre right. This is part of the abuse and control. How much head space ate you giving him? It is all intentional.

you absolutely make a note of it. Let your solicitor know.

he doesnt want a family. He doesnt want to be a parent. He wants to punish you.