Please remind me that they don't change...

[Toomuchwine89]

I'm currently in refuge, been here for four months now (no physical violence).

Ex has flipped between love bombing, emailing via solicitor to ask me to reconcile (there's a non molestation order in place), filing for divorce, asking to stop the divorce, dropping the step kids like hot shit, saying he wants to see the step kids, applying to court to see his bio children, saying he doesn't want to go through court, applying for a prohibited steps order to stop us moving anywhere, but not letting us back to the family home while I'm stuck in refuge with six children.

Anyway yesterday was the first court hearing for the child arrangement order. It was over video link. He looked broken (but I don't feel THAT sorry for him). He was given indirect contact for now (he can drop letters and presents off to my solicitor, and I'll get charged every time ffs).

I didn't know until just before the hearing that he'd emailed the court a few days ago, basically a letter to me. Firstly he apologised for everything, accepted how terrible he'd treated us all and said he wanted to rebuild his relationship with all six kids. Then he wrote a paragraph directly to me... Basically saying how he will always love me and truly believes we can work on our marriage, especially as he's had counselling. He even said during the court hearing that he's not clear what the future will hold for me and him!

I left because of emotional, sexual and verbal abuse - with the latter mostly towards the children.

I so nearly emailed him last night, but didn't. If he replied then I could technically have had him arrested for breaking the non molestation order and I don't want to be that person.

I'm right to stay away, aren't I? Or could he have changed? We were together six years. He was bad all the way through tbf.

@Toomuchwine89 Its almost addiction-like in an abusive relationship, the need for their approval and affection because they used to switch it on and off as easy as flicking on your living room light that they almost train you like a dog in needing their sweetest moments (showing you love), then when they do it’s all just a trick.

The freedom program is amazing though, have you been offered it at all? It shows you what a healthy relationship should be like, boosts your self esteem etc.

You’ve escaped now, the hardest bit is done. You say ‘if I have to deal with him’, you still might not, there’s services that facilitate contact and it could still end with indirect contact. Don’t feel like you need to make things cordial with him just incase, you never will be able to, just keep protecting you and the kids.

Have you thought that now you are in a refuge- schools will know, solicitors etc. if you go back to him you aren’t safeguarding your children and may well be reported to social service. Id say there’s a 99% chance you will be.

I’ve just read my post back and it sounded quite harsh- sorry I didn’t mean it to come across so blunt.
I’ve been in your exact shoes OP but I caved and went back after the refuge. I seriously wish I never had done. I finally left him and me and kids are now a year on and happy.
I promise you he will get bored, he only has this energy to chase you because someone else hasn’t come along- but I can guarantee he’s looking.
do not go back- that feeling you get when you know they are about to flip, that sinking feeling in your stomach, feeling sick, thinking through how to get kids to witness the least amount of damage for that fit of rage REMEMBER HOW THAT FEELS. because you will hate your self when you’ve taken him back and his mask slips finally and you feel all that again. That will be your wtf have I done moment. And it may well be too late.
i hope you carry on being strong. And some days if you don’t feel it that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you want him back. It means you’re adjusting to your new normal. X

Hey. Oh I'm sure he is, he literally cannot be on his own... and I saw him on a dating site months ago 😂 absolute rotter. And yes social services would get involved. Women's Aid already contacted them when I couldn't come straight into refuge as there was no space.

But I also don't want him to turn nasty if I've got to deal with him for however many years.

He doesn't turn nasty - he is nasty - he turns good only for the time it takes to bewitch you back.

Know that he is nasty no matter how you are or what you do - record every shred of evidence that demonstrates this & stop trying to be 'fair' with him. It will never get you what you want, deserve & need.

Oh my god

I think he's hacked my email.

I have a house viewing for a private rental an hour away on Saturday. They emailed me to confirm on Monday.

This afternoon, his solicitor emailed me. Ex told them that he received a call from Preston Baker estate agents (never heard of them and certainly not the one I had contacted) to ask if he was still coming to the viewing on Saturday. He was confused so asked what they were talking about and who had organised a viewing. They said that I had, and the house was an hour away. So now he's concerned that I'm going to relocate and his solicitor has reminded me that he's applied for a prohibited steps order!

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Absolute, lying bastard. None of that is true, and it's way too much of a coincidence. Also, if I was apparently planning on secretly running away with the children, why the hell would I give the estate agents his number and ask if he's joining me at the viewing?!?!

Wtf can i do?? (And yes I've changed my password now. He will have guessed it as it was the same as our Netflix password. Stupid, I know)

Bumping for the morning crowd 😬 I need some words of wisdom! Cannot let this go unchecked. He's literally lying to his solicitor to one up me

Maybe reply to his solicitor 'I've never even heard of Preston Baker estate agents. If you're going to believe his nonsense, can you please send any correspondence through my solicitor so she can filter out anything that is remotely of importance? I'm too busy taking care of the children to deal with untruths.'

This.

But keep proof of everything.

You are doing so well.

Stay strong.

He is a twat.

Make the statement and protect yourself and your children.

They deserve one good strong decent role model in their life with a loser like him as a father.

Don’t reply to his solicitor without speaking to yours - or at least to Women’s Aid or your refuge for advice.

I’d be inclined to ask for the name of the person he spoke with, the exact time of the call and ask him to keep a screenshot of it as you’ll be speaking to the police as you’re deeply concerned about someone impersonating you.

At the same time change all of your passwords. But also consider any devices that you use and if he’s had the opportunity to install spyware on any of them.

He’s given the opportunity to show up his stalking - seize it.

This is pretty much word for word the reply I sent them last night 😂

Thank you ❤️

Unfortunately I haven't heard back from the police officer yet, but she will be very busy on a Friday

I did speak to my solicitor today luckily. She rang the estate agents and surprise surprise there was no record of me booking any viewings for tomorrow, or even contacting them at all.

That's a very good idea re the screenshot etc. I wish I'd asked the solicitor to email and do that!

It's just all so stalkerish 😞

Well if he hasn't got a PSO yet then there is nothing to stop you moving.

The solicitor did say that actually.

But my previous solicitor put the actual fear of god in me. She told me not to accept ANY house, even one within the same district. And if I did move, the judge would probably order the children back...

Order you back where ? The refuge ? Not gonna happen. They can't force a refuge to take you the court don't have that power. And how would that be in the best interests of the children.

Sorry - he's applied for a PSO to stop you moving out of the refuge?? Or out of the area?
he can't stop you moving out of the refuge. He just can't.

Order them back and give him residence

To stop me moving out of the area I guess. But I'm willing to move anywhere to be able to get a house. They're so rare at the size we need 😟

Deep down, he wants me in refuge. That way he knows I'm not having men round. The children are just collateral damage

But there is no order in place so you are not in breach of anything.

Oh I know but as you're not supposed to relocate within informing the other parent I think

@Toomuchwine89 I know this must be very difficult for you but you need to stop worrying about him and try to focus on the future for your DC. You say you don't want your Ex to be angry with you but let me be very frank with you- if you don't persue the cohersive control with the police it will just give him a better opportunity to get to your DC. Forget his anger, and your guilt, and think if he was charged and found guilty he could go to prison which would show everyone what an evil man he really is and would give you and your DC a chance to move away and start again without looking over your shoulder all the time. I know you still feel conflicted about him but believe me, he doesn't return the favour, he just wants back what he thinks is rightly his.
Men like your Ex don't really love their DC but he's harping on about seeing them/ missing them because he knows that's your weak spot- if you couldn't see your DC you'd feel so unhappy and he's playing you, making out he feels the same, but really he just wants to keep control of you. Don't let him play you Op, time to fight back and make a better life. I wish you all the luck in the world💐

Thank you ❤️ I agree with you. He's just definitely going to turn everything around and say that I was the controlling one, because I didn't like it (for example) when he got obsessed with Pokemon go and I asked him to reign it in a bit and stop ignoring the children while he's bloody playing it, things like that. I'm so scared he's going to turn things round on me.

One thing I don't agree with - I AM thinking about mine and my family's future. I literally can't wait. But he is still able to control a large element of it, especially if he can dictate where I bloody live! Even though when the house is sold, he will have to move too 😒

It's totally unfair @Toomuchwine89 that the family courts make this so hard for you to move on. I know you're looking to the future and I'm glad, stay focussed and don't let him get to you

It really is. Even my solicitor said "I hope you're not going to give him unsupervised contact". So unfair if he can basically decide where I have to live when he can't even be arsed to write some letters