Please remind me that they don't change...

[Toomuchwine89]

I'm currently in refuge, been here for four months now (no physical violence).

Ex has flipped between love bombing, emailing via solicitor to ask me to reconcile (there's a non molestation order in place), filing for divorce, asking to stop the divorce, dropping the step kids like hot shit, saying he wants to see the step kids, applying to court to see his bio children, saying he doesn't want to go through court, applying for a prohibited steps order to stop us moving anywhere, but not letting us back to the family home while I'm stuck in refuge with six children.

Anyway yesterday was the first court hearing for the child arrangement order. It was over video link. He looked broken (but I don't feel THAT sorry for him). He was given indirect contact for now (he can drop letters and presents off to my solicitor, and I'll get charged every time ffs).

I didn't know until just before the hearing that he'd emailed the court a few days ago, basically a letter to me. Firstly he apologised for everything, accepted how terrible he'd treated us all and said he wanted to rebuild his relationship with all six kids. Then he wrote a paragraph directly to me... Basically saying how he will always love me and truly believes we can work on our marriage, especially as he's had counselling. He even said during the court hearing that he's not clear what the future will hold for me and him!

I left because of emotional, sexual and verbal abuse - with the latter mostly towards the children.

I so nearly emailed him last night, but didn't. If he replied then I could technically have had him arrested for breaking the non molestation order and I don't want to be that person.

I'm right to stay away, aren't I? Or could he have changed? We were together six years. He was bad all the way through tbf.

He is now cyberstalking. This is my area so I can hopefully help.

I wouldn't worry about things like spyware, as despite being something people worry about (and a lot of false products that don't work being convincingly advertised), that would be incredibly rare in reality. The most likely thing is as you said - he used the Netflix password as a lucky guess. Not only do you need to change the email password, you really need to turn on two-factor authentication. Also consider whether he may have been able to access your iCloud or google accounts because if he has, that will give him an incredible amount of information (including your location). So change those passwords and turn on 2FA for those too. I would resist the urge to wipe devices as this also wipes evidence - instead go into your logs as they will probably show evidence of third-party access, which can be useful to illustrate stalking.

Also he can apply for a PSO all he likes, but it doesn't mean he'll get one granted, despite how convincing his solicitor is at saying he has a good case. From everything you've described, it doesn't sound like a good case at all. A court is highly unlikely to prevent you moving from a refuge to move-on accommodation if it's within reasonable travelling distance (an hour shouldn't be a problem) and if there are no preventative court orders (one in the application stage doesn't count). There are always exceptions but I've never seen this happen and I've been in the sector for a long time.

Also a court is not likely to grant even an emergency PSO if you are the parent with care and you're all in a refuge. To change the status quo here, he would have to show the children as being at risk of harm being in your care. A court is more likely recommend the status quo while they move towards fact finding.

Thanks so much! I just wish I could bloody prove he'd hacked in. There's nothing on my recent sign in activity!

Update

So I've found a gorgeous house an hour and 15 minutes away that would be perfect for the kids. It's affordable and the estate agents actually seem okay with my financial situation so I'm booked in to view it on Thursday.

I told my solicitor and she said that while I'm free to do what I like right now, the judge can order us back and she has known this particular judge to do so. It's better to do things properly, which I agree with (if only my ex husband would).

She's emailed exH's solicitor to explain about how much better the house is for the children and that it won't affect contact because that involves letters that he can't even be arsed to write so I've got to wait for his response now, which will more than likely be no.

Then my only choice really is to apply for more legal aid and then a specific issue order, to ask for permission to move. This will take weeks, and by then the house will be gone.

I hate him so much 😥

Is this a joke. Surely you don’t need permission to move your kids an hour away- an hours nothing.
make the move do what’s right for you and your kids. Ask him f all

You are ALL better off without the tension and the abuse. People do not change.

My life is now a joke. But no, this is all too real 😢 why won't he stop trying to control me? Where else am I supposed to fucking live?! It's NOT easy to find a suitable, affordable house for 6 children. Especially when we had one, and he refuses to leave it...

He's a driver for a living. That distance is nothing to him. He once did a 5 hour round trip in a morning to view a car that I liked while I stayed at home with the children. But all of a sudden, 70 miles may as well be Australia.

This house is in a nice village with a school round the corner, two parks and a duck pond. It has a huge bedroom with en suite which I'd give to the girls who would be sharing. Oh and the best part - IT'S NOT A REFUGE!

Watch him say no...

Thank you. I hate him, but he must hate me so much more...

I’m sorry I haven’t read the full thread and excuse my ignorance, but what would happen if you just took the house?

I'm 20+ years the other side of what you're going through right now.

I wasn't in a refuge, but I was taken from the family home in an ambulance after collapsing and told by the police not to go back. Despite the fact that my children were still there.

Anyway, a huuuge long story short this will end. And it will be the best thing that you've ever done. Right now he's going to use every single thing that he can to manipulate and control you - but there will be an end point, and you will be able to fully move on with your lives.

My xh now hides if he sees me in public, and my ds's are now both grown up and have nothing to do with him (their choice).

The children could be ordered back x

Wow! Thank you for this. I'm so glad you got through it. I'm trying to remind myself that he can take away that house from me, he can take my money, my share of the family home, time with my children if he ends up getting contact but he is NOT taking my freedom and happiness, nor that of the kids. I just want to move on.

I still really want to view this house tomorrow :( don't know what to do for the best. Just feel so beaten down.

Fuck it. I'm viewing it, and if it's right for us then I'm putting in an application. What if he says no??

Good for you @Toomuchwine89 , I hope it's the perfect house for you

Thank you, so do I 🙏 the kids could finally have bikes and a garden again... Well, we do have a kids garden here but it was closed for two days last week because somebody's violent ex partner was trying to scale the walls and get to her! No more dragging heavy bins down stairs... No more sharing one toilet between 7 of us... Independence ❤️

I've read that judges will return children so things can go back to the status quo... What, living in a refuge waiting for letters from daddy that never arrive?

I just don't want to piss off the courts 😞

Surely no judge in his right mind would send you back to a refuge, or think that securing a suitable home for your children an hour away is excessive? Especially if he drives for a living?

I don’t know, i know nothing about family courts but surely that’s a worst case scenario that is very unlikely to happen?

I say go for it, and I wish you every happiness there x

Thank you! I think it is worst case scenario, or even him getting residence of the children. He doesn't want that! He's never even asked if the children could live with him, despite still being in that huge house on his own.

Why would you risk all this?
It sounds like you are all doing so much better without him in your life. You don't need him. Please don't let him worm his way back in.

You should be so proud of yourself for having the strength to leave.
He won't change.

Thank you. I won't let him. I know I've still got to break that trauma bond though x

The house was absolutely perfect. So much space, such good condition. Really nice area. But there are at least four other people after it 😞 so I can't imagine they'll offer it to me.

Also, I'm absolutely sick with worry about his application for a prohibited steps order, especially now he has a solicitor. What the fuck am I supposed to do if he gets that order? It's hard enough to find a house now, never mind if there's a limit on the geographical area. And to have to stay local and risk bumping into him makes me feel miserable tbh.

This can't be right 😢

I honestly think that if you get offered the house you should take it.

The order has not gone through yet. This house is what is best for your children.

Id take it x

I agree with you definitely.

But what if he does get the order? I know people will say I shouldn't worry about that now, but my anxiety is spiralling. I want to be able to choose where we live, because the "cheaper" houses around here are mostly in terrible areas, where people say they wouldn't let their children play out, or there are drug dealers/users on the same street etc.

I just don't understand how he can control this. And then the family home will have to be sold, and he'll be priced out of the village it's in so he'll have to move anyway!!!

I think you just have to deal with each thing as it comes rather than spiralling.

There is no order in place yet, if you get offered the house - take it.

This is more manipulation and control from him, it could go nowhere.

Thank you x

I really hope it does go nowhere. I've never felt so controlled by him😟

He's saying what he thinks will get you back.

No more no less.

Unfortunately abusers are master manipulators and will say what you want to hear. But they don't change.