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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please remind me that they don't change...

219 replies

Toomuchwine89 · 28/03/2023 06:30

I'm currently in refuge, been here for four months now (no physical violence).

Ex has flipped between love bombing, emailing via solicitor to ask me to reconcile (there's a non molestation order in place), filing for divorce, asking to stop the divorce, dropping the step kids like hot shit, saying he wants to see the step kids, applying to court to see his bio children, saying he doesn't want to go through court, applying for a prohibited steps order to stop us moving anywhere, but not letting us back to the family home while I'm stuck in refuge with six children.

Anyway yesterday was the first court hearing for the child arrangement order. It was over video link. He looked broken (but I don't feel THAT sorry for him). He was given indirect contact for now (he can drop letters and presents off to my solicitor, and I'll get charged every time ffs).

I didn't know until just before the hearing that he'd emailed the court a few days ago, basically a letter to me. Firstly he apologised for everything, accepted how terrible he'd treated us all and said he wanted to rebuild his relationship with all six kids. Then he wrote a paragraph directly to me... Basically saying how he will always love me and truly believes we can work on our marriage, especially as he's had counselling. He even said during the court hearing that he's not clear what the future will hold for me and him!

I left because of emotional, sexual and verbal abuse - with the latter mostly towards the children.

I so nearly emailed him last night, but didn't. If he replied then I could technically have had him arrested for breaking the non molestation order and I don't want to be that person.

I'm right to stay away, aren't I? Or could he have changed? We were together six years. He was bad all the way through tbf.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 01/04/2023 13:22

I know I'm pathetic but please: how do you not let them into your head and spoil your day?

I've got PMT, I've run out of sertraline, I had a horribly realistic dream about him last night and I had a missed call earlier from a blocked number. It was his dad (who I blocked when I went into refuge, but has always been pleasant to me).

I rang him back assuming it was about the baby's birthday and while he did ask about it, he said he actually rang me by accident, and he had to go because "we're on holiday at the moment". I'm sure he wasn't referring to him and ex but I suppose he could have been.

I'm on a day out at a kid's theme park with all six and yet again, I can't get all of this out of my head, and it's ruining my mood!

I don't get how people do it. Am I broken?

OP posts:
FishChipsMushyPeas · 01/04/2023 13:31

How soon can you get some more Sertraline mate?

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 01/04/2023 13:35

FishChipsMushyPeas · 01/04/2023 13:31

How soon can you get some more Sertraline mate?

❤️❤️

I ordered it on Wednesday using the automated phone line so it should be ready really. I've been waiting for a text but maybe that doesn't matter. I won't have time to get it today though. Boots will be shut when we get back 🫤

OP posts:
Dery · 01/04/2023 13:46

You’re not broken. Abusers get into their victims’ heads - it’s how they operate. There’s even a book by a DV specialist called “In the mind of the Intimate Male Abuser: How He Gets Into Her Head”.

You’re not broken but you are severely traumatised. Domestic abuse is a crime in which the victim lives at the crime scene with the criminal. The person who’s supposed to care for you and have your back is the one who harms you; the home that’s supposed to be your safe place is the place where you’re in danger. The cycle of abuse where he goes from treating you like a queen to terrorising you and back again means you’re permanently living on a terrifying rollercoaster of fear/adrenaline/relief/back to fear. You’re permanently living in fight or flight mode (except for women it’s freeze and friend because - realistically - we can’t outfight or outrun most men). What you’ve been through is deeply traumatising. And he did all this to you in 6 years. He is extremely damaged and damaging. There’s a great MN phrase - don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. In this case, it would be - don’t set yourself and your children on fire to keep him
warm. You can’t help him and you need to keep away.

You did so well to get away. Are you receiving any kind of therapy for what you’ve been through? I think it would help you be kinder to yourself.

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 02/04/2023 11:01

Dery · 01/04/2023 13:46

You’re not broken. Abusers get into their victims’ heads - it’s how they operate. There’s even a book by a DV specialist called “In the mind of the Intimate Male Abuser: How He Gets Into Her Head”.

You’re not broken but you are severely traumatised. Domestic abuse is a crime in which the victim lives at the crime scene with the criminal. The person who’s supposed to care for you and have your back is the one who harms you; the home that’s supposed to be your safe place is the place where you’re in danger. The cycle of abuse where he goes from treating you like a queen to terrorising you and back again means you’re permanently living on a terrifying rollercoaster of fear/adrenaline/relief/back to fear. You’re permanently living in fight or flight mode (except for women it’s freeze and friend because - realistically - we can’t outfight or outrun most men). What you’ve been through is deeply traumatising. And he did all this to you in 6 years. He is extremely damaged and damaging. There’s a great MN phrase - don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. In this case, it would be - don’t set yourself and your children on fire to keep him
warm. You can’t help him and you need to keep away.

You did so well to get away. Are you receiving any kind of therapy for what you’ve been through? I think it would help you be kinder to yourself.

Thank you. This message meany a lot to me; I've just been insanely busy and tired ever since!! I've downloaded the book sample onto my kindle. So sick of feeling guilty, bad, anxious, scared. I've never had a healthy relationship and it shows.

It's the most confusing thing recovering from him. Just as bad as the last one who strangled me more than once. In the space of 5 minutes with this man, I'd be bought my favourite things, told I was perfect and he didn't deserve me, then one of the kids would annoy him and he'd fly off the handle, I'd try to stick up for said child and explain to exH that they didn't mean any harm etc, then I'd be berated, shamed, told I don't care about him, why don't I just leave him etc.

So social services would step in if I went back (I'm not planning to!), but I will ultimately have to make them available for contact? It's an absolute mind fuck.

I love your insight and analogies btw. Thank you again. I'm also hoping to start counselling soon.

Dreading collect these letters/cards/gifts. It just feels like he'll be infiltrating my safe space at the refuge, and I don't care how dramatic that sounds, because it's true!

OP posts:
FishChipsMushyPeas · 02/04/2023 11:02

How are you today OP?

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 02/04/2023 11:06

FishChipsMushyPeas · 02/04/2023 11:02

How are you today OP?

Hey, thanks for asking ❤️

Still no Sertraline, but I'm feeling okay. As you can imagine with six children I have an absolute fuck tonne of stuff to do so I'm trying to keep busy 🤣 just wish I had more time to actually do stuff with the children!

OP posts:
FishChipsMushyPeas · 02/04/2023 11:23

I bet you are non-stop! How old are the kids?

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 02/04/2023 20:29

Absolutely non stop!

They're 14, 11, 10, 7, 3 and just turned 2!

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 02/04/2023 20:30

Sertraline is here now too :)

OP posts:
FishChipsMushyPeas · 02/04/2023 20:58

What a great mix of ages though! You get some more grown up conversation as well as the play and cuddles etc with the littles. And definitely no time to wallow either. I'm glad the sert has arrived too, it'll make you feel better but also make you feel more in control. When you are ready pick the stuff up from the solicitor but don't break your neck to get there.

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 03/04/2023 12:32

FishChipsMushyPeas · 02/04/2023 20:58

What a great mix of ages though! You get some more grown up conversation as well as the play and cuddles etc with the littles. And definitely no time to wallow either. I'm glad the sert has arrived too, it'll make you feel better but also make you feel more in control. When you are ready pick the stuff up from the solicitor but don't break your neck to get there.

Thanks so much!

I've picked up the stuff, my anxiety is spiralling. Almost every time I have to deal with him I just think it would be easier to go back and be on his "good" side than feel like this over a few fucking letters. And I haven't even seen them yet!

There's a fuck tonne of presents that I don't have space for in a refuge flat ffs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 20/04/2023 13:16

UPDATE

So today is 6 days since the second lot of indirect contact was due... And there's been nothing. What the hell?? How could he forget something that HE pushed for and was so lucky to get, considering that the judge was going to order no contact at the minute?

Also, the police messaged me yesterday asking if I want to proceed with making a statement re coercive control/him grabbing and dragging my 11 year old daughter back in July.

I'm tempted, but I feel so so guilty, I don't want him to turn nasty and everyone to hate me, and it probably won't even go anywhere as it's not as if he hit my child. He will also just say that I was the controlling one because I didn't like certain things that he did (tbf though, he always used to want to randomly start a new hobby or something when I was at my most vulnerable, i.e. Newborn baby or suffering from awful morning sickness...).

Help :(

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/04/2023 13:27

Also, the police messaged me yesterday asking if I want to proceed with making a statement re coercive control/him grabbing and dragging my 11 year old daughter back in July.

Make the statement.

everything that adds to your case help.

And keep a note of that lack of contact - that also adds to the showing that it’s about control, not the children

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 20/04/2023 13:33

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/04/2023 13:27

Also, the police messaged me yesterday asking if I want to proceed with making a statement re coercive control/him grabbing and dragging my 11 year old daughter back in July.

Make the statement.

everything that adds to your case help.

And keep a note of that lack of contact - that also adds to the showing that it’s about control, not the children

My friend did say that about building the case. I'm just scared of what he'll do to hurt me if I piss him off (not physically).

Annoyingly the most coercive thing he did was sexual stuff but that's the one thing he absolutely categorically denies every time. But even if he just got a caution then that would be good?

I agree re the control. I even sent a response back! (scribbles and glitter from his bio children - they're only 3 and just turned 2). Why do i get the feeling that if I'd replied "from me" he'd have been more forthcoming?!

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 20/04/2023 13:51

It's possible for people to love you and you to love them in some cases even if they've treated you like shit- however doesn't make it a good idea to live with them - loving is a different thing to living with them

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/04/2023 14:01

Why do i get the feeling that if I'd replied "from me" he'd have been more forthcoming?!

Because you know that it’s you he’s trying to get to - he’s not actually interested in the children.

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 20/04/2023 14:21

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/04/2023 14:01

Why do i get the feeling that if I'd replied "from me" he'd have been more forthcoming?!

Because you know that it’s you he’s trying to get to - he’s not actually interested in the children.

Ughhh it's so gross. I just want the courts to see what everyone else can see 🤞

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 20/04/2023 14:22

Crikeyalmighty · 20/04/2023 13:51

It's possible for people to love you and you to love them in some cases even if they've treated you like shit- however doesn't make it a good idea to live with them - loving is a different thing to living with them

I think he's obsessed, not in love 😞

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 20/04/2023 14:34

He doesn't love you or the children. He loves himself. He sees all of you as possessions and his ego wants you back. That's all. Please don't give in to fear. And please, please, please stop worrying about what he or anyone else thinks. Any normal person will have complete sympathy for your situation. Those who don't have sympathy for you have their own issues, so ignore them.

You are a great mother. You are so strong. Bravery doesn't mean lack of fear. It means fighting through the fear for the ones you love. Keep fighting, you are amazing!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/04/2023 14:35

Toomuchwine89 · 20/04/2023 14:21

Ughhh it's so gross. I just want the courts to see what everyone else can see 🤞

Show quote history

Making that statement and keeping notes of missed contact will help that.

you’re doing a good job.

Wheretostarteh · 20/04/2023 14:46

For anyone feeling like shaking op and screaming wake up you need to understand the cycle of abuse. These men make you reliant on their praise and adoration, they’re amazing at it, the facade of how sorry he is is overwhelming when you’re in this situation.

OP you’re doing incredible, stay away, he will NEVER change. Your DC have an incredible mum and they’re going to be so grateful and proud of you for the rest of their lives.

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 20/04/2023 16:03

LifeExperience · 20/04/2023 14:34

He doesn't love you or the children. He loves himself. He sees all of you as possessions and his ego wants you back. That's all. Please don't give in to fear. And please, please, please stop worrying about what he or anyone else thinks. Any normal person will have complete sympathy for your situation. Those who don't have sympathy for you have their own issues, so ignore them.

You are a great mother. You are so strong. Bravery doesn't mean lack of fear. It means fighting through the fear for the ones you love. Keep fighting, you are amazing!

Yeh. If he loved us then he'd move out of the house. He's a selfish, arrogant idiot. He's definitely fuming that he no longer knows exactly where I am or what I'm doing. Never thought about bravery that way. I love that ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 20/04/2023 16:04

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/04/2023 14:35

Making that statement and keeping notes of missed contact will help that.

you’re doing a good job.

Show quote history

That's a good point

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 20/04/2023 16:05

Wheretostarteh · 20/04/2023 14:46

For anyone feeling like shaking op and screaming wake up you need to understand the cycle of abuse. These men make you reliant on their praise and adoration, they’re amazing at it, the facade of how sorry he is is overwhelming when you’re in this situation.

OP you’re doing incredible, stay away, he will NEVER change. Your DC have an incredible mum and they’re going to be so grateful and proud of you for the rest of their lives.

"Reliant on his praise and adoration" that's exactly what it is!

But I also don't want him to turn nasty if I've got to deal with him for however many years.

OP posts: