Please remind me that they don't change...

[Toomuchwine89]

I'm currently in refuge, been here for four months now (no physical violence).

Ex has flipped between love bombing, emailing via solicitor to ask me to reconcile (there's a non molestation order in place), filing for divorce, asking to stop the divorce, dropping the step kids like hot shit, saying he wants to see the step kids, applying to court to see his bio children, saying he doesn't want to go through court, applying for a prohibited steps order to stop us moving anywhere, but not letting us back to the family home while I'm stuck in refuge with six children.

Anyway yesterday was the first court hearing for the child arrangement order. It was over video link. He looked broken (but I don't feel THAT sorry for him). He was given indirect contact for now (he can drop letters and presents off to my solicitor, and I'll get charged every time ffs).

I didn't know until just before the hearing that he'd emailed the court a few days ago, basically a letter to me. Firstly he apologised for everything, accepted how terrible he'd treated us all and said he wanted to rebuild his relationship with all six kids. Then he wrote a paragraph directly to me... Basically saying how he will always love me and truly believes we can work on our marriage, especially as he's had counselling. He even said during the court hearing that he's not clear what the future will hold for me and him!

I left because of emotional, sexual and verbal abuse - with the latter mostly towards the children.

I so nearly emailed him last night, but didn't. If he replied then I could technically have had him arrested for breaking the non molestation order and I don't want to be that person.

I'm right to stay away, aren't I? Or could he have changed? We were together six years. He was bad all the way through tbf.

I definitely don't want to hear that I can't move 😢 but yep, he's thick as shit but so good at manipulation!

There's still no indirect contact from him to the kids! He's now missed TWO lots. My friend said he'll probably say in court that he didn't want to send any as he thinks I've been telling the children what to write (absolutely not true, if anything I didn't want to be a part of it at all!).

14yo and 11yo didn't reply to him, 10yo and 7yo both wrote something along those lines of "I love you, but I'd love you deep down from the bottom of my heart if you were nice!" 3yo and 2yo sent scribbles. I'm terrified he's going to say it's all my doing.

Hiya mate, I think the judges aren't as green as they're cabbage looking and will more than likely see through his shite as the pathetic nonsense that it is. Its disgusting still to me that one person can dictate where another lives. This country is such a joke at times.

Keep your head up. You will come out of this stronger. Make sure you don't run out of your sert. Don't give up, it'll be worth it in the end.

I really hope you're right! I just want a normal, happy life with these children

I still haven't heard back about perfect house, but I'm moving another one on Friday. It's a good size and in an okay/good area. This one seems much more possible as the landlord is showing me round the house himself and he's fine with my situation. He also said it's first come first serve and I'm the first viewing!!! It's affordable too.

This could be it... But I'm absolutely terrified about getting on the wrong side of the family court. The prohibited steps order hasn't been ordered yet but depending how controlling he's feeling, it'll be heard on 5th June along with the statement of allegations re his behaviour.

Technically without the order in place I can go, but I'm scared. He will go mad. He will fight it. He will not let me move on or control my own life.

Everyone is saying to just go and deal with the consequences later - even my refuge support worker!

But with six children, it's no easy feat.

We are in our sixth month of refuge now and still no sign of a council house or anything. I have actually enquired about more local private rentals but they haven't got back to me.

Someone PLEASE help x

Your refuge worker knows what they’re doing - trust them.

No court is going to expect you to stay in a refuge forever.

and you’ve tried looking locally so it’s not like you haven’t.

I know you're very worried about how your ex will react but you need to do this Op. I'm sure the refuge have done their best for you all but it's not the best place for your DC, they need a real home where you can all start again. In your mind your ex is a big all powerful man who can ruin you but that's how he's taught you to think, in reality he's just another abusive loser whose only power is to hurt the people he should love the most.You did the hardest bit by leaving, be proud if that

Thank you. I'm trying so hard to think rationally. There's just so much to take in... New area, applying to schools, leaving the refuge, having no family support (anywhere!) apart from my sister, and of course HIM.

But I don't know what else we can do. He won't let us stay in the house. I can't stay where I am. And if the council eventually come up with something, it could be in an awful condition or in an awful place.

Plus, my DD is 4 soon and I can't even apply to school for her because I don't know where we'll be!

Thank you. Weirdly that is how I'm feeling about him! Ffs. Technically when I left for refuge I could have gone anywhere. But no. I stayed 15 minutes away from him. And he hasn't even stuck to the contact order...

It's not weird @Toomuchwine89 , he wore you down to the point where he was your first thought, would he be angry, would he make you pay for upsetting him, not what was best for you and the DC so even when you ran away you didn't dare go too far.

God this is so accurate.

This landlord hasn't asked for a guarantor, the house has a big garden and conservatory I could use as a playroom, and he even said I could decorate!!

Please let there be school places 🙏

Although saying that, "his" children aren't even in school yet, so surely that can't be used against me??

Sounds lovely, get in that house Op, soon as possible

Thank you, I hope so!

Although I just bumped into someone I made friends with in the refuge who has now moved out, told her my exciting news and she said "Oh no!! It's so far! The children will have to leave their grammar school. What a shame"

I was already guilty about this, and now I feel really crap!

@Toomuchwine89

Although I just bumped into someone I made friends with in the refuge who has now moved out, told her my exciting news and she said "Oh no!! It's so far! The children will have to leave their grammar school. What a shame"

We'll that was thoughtless of them wasn't it? You'd think someone who's perhaps going through something similar, or knows a bit of your history would be a bit more sensitive and supportive. Don't let those comments get you down - you and your children will be fine.

The new house sounds just what you all need - so focus on that. Fight the crocodile nearest your boat - it's hard to fight everything at once. Sending you a huge hug and some strength for a better future. 🌹

Definitely thoughtless!

Feeling even worse now. Apparently the only secondary school with places "requires improvement" and has shit results, according to the government website. Fuck. What do I do? 😞

My solicitor has just sent me this and I've broken down again.

I can't do this anymore

I'm done

Ughhhh didn't even edit it properly

Can you go to your MP re being in a refuge for 6+ months and needing a house for the kids? Chase the council housing officer too, in case they have "lost" your application.

He's such a fuckwit.
He's a driver so why would he be upset at having to travel a little to see his 2 kids of he's granted access? Why would he be given access to the other 4 who aren't his kids?

Be strong OP. One day this will be a distant memory, he'll be gone and you'll be free, and happy. Just a bit of crap to get through to get there.
You've done the hardest part by leaving.

I'm not sure about MP actually.

I've applied to both of the local councils here. One will not under any circumstances let me bid on houses smaller than a 5 bed (of which there aren't any). The other, I email every week but there isn't anything (this week, there's two 1 bedroom flats).

He can absolutely drive, no problem. He also won't be bothered about seeing the older children once he realises that won't work to get me back home either.

It's actually making me quite nervous now, that he doesn't want us to move. Why?? Why does he want to be close to him? What's his gain?

I feel like he's deciding my whole life

He could easily drive and he would know where his DC were so the trying to get an order to stop you moving has nothing to do with the DC Op. He wants you to have to stay near to him so that he can keep an eye on you, if you don't fight this he'll be on your doorstep trying to wear you back down until you give in and go back to him. If you get your legal costs covered then fight him in the courts and get your own order forbiding him to come near you.
Lots of women move back near family and their exs have to travel to see their DC so it's not as cut and dried as the solicitor makes it sound.