No LTB please

[namechange4life]

Hi.

I can't believe I'm writing this but here goes. Please, if anyone has LTB to say, just move on.

I just found out my husband has had sex with prostitutes 3 times over 5 years whilst working away on Bangkok.

We have 1 child. We currently live abroad for his work.

I do not want to LTB right now because i can't accept my child will live a divorced parent life across two countries which is what I lived though. Did I mention I just had failed ivf for no2?

I honestly believe he has some sort of compulsive sex addiction type problem. What he did DISGUSTS and REVOLTS me. Equally, I am concerned for his safety he is so fearful of losing us I'm worried what he will do to himself.

Is there ever any moving on from this?

I am in a state of shock, unable to process all this as having to hold it together for DC. For now I have said I'll give myself a month to digest what the actual fuck just happened before I make any decisions.

Absolute BS it’s only 3 women over 5 years in Bangkok, sorry but you’re being very naive here.

What do you want to hear? Of course people are going to say LTB, do you want us to say oh what a great guy?!

Sorry op that must be a massive shock for you - how did you find out? You need time to process the enormity of what has happened and only then you will be able to decide how you can move forward. Of course people move on from deceit but the question will be can you? Being cheated on can make you very insecure, angry, always questioning what they are doing etc. Only you can decide if you want to live like that or are willing to sacrifice your trust and yourself for the sake of keeping your family together.

Well you need a full sexual health screening for starters.

Then you need to move back to your home country.

If he wants any chance of making the relationship work, he'll have to move back with you and change career if necessary.

If he's not willing to do that, you have your answer. (Well, you know the answer already, but you don't want us to say it, so...!)

Well since you are detemrined to stay, you have to come to terms with the fact that your husband has sex with prostitutes whilst working abroad (yeah, tip of the iceberg, otherwise why all the palaver about 'sex addiction'), because by staying, you are accepting what he does, whatever you say to him and whatever he promises.

Arrange regular STD checks and be glad IVF failed. Use contraception to avoid bringing another child into this.

He's not going to stop - why should he? He knows you will stay, so he's going to carry on.

And always remember you have chosen this. Because that reminds you there is another choice.

If my partner offends or wrongs me, I find that it’s actually the reaction and how it is addressed that leaves the impact of how I view them and what’s happened.
at some point, when you do bring this up and let him know you know, his actions at that point will be telling As to whether there is a future together. You can’t be solely responsible for the marriage so if he is able to acknowledge his actions and take responsibility for the hurt and anger caused and then do something towards remedying it, that would be a positive starting point.

I’m very sorry you are going through this, it must be so awful. X

Giving it a month to see how you feel seems sensible. Gives you a chance to respond, not just react.

No wonder you are feeling such difficult stuff at the moment - it’s a horrible situation. I hope you find some clarity over the next couple of weeks and work out a way forwards that feels ok for you.

Sorry you’re going through this OP. How did you find out?

Please, if anyone has LTB to say, just move on

OK, I'll turn it around. Why do you want to stay with someone who uses sex workers?

Why are you concerned about his mental health when he clearly wasn't concerned about your wellbeing - physical from the change of STIs and mental when you found out what he'd been doing?

Why do you want to stay (and expose your children to) something who does this and who disgusts and revolts you?

Why is exposing your children to someone like this BETTER than taking them to another country and having to endure split parenting?

Lol a sex addiction? Sorry but, what a load of old cobblers.

He's a mysoginist. Perhaps also a racist. Becayse he thinks it's OK to buy foreign women's bodies.

Wouldn't be surprised if that was the tip of the mysoginy/prostitute iceberg either. You've probably just found out the bare minimum.

How could you ever have sex woth this man again? Seriously, I'd be flabbergasted if you'd ever want to.

Couldn't you split and try to comparent in the same country? Separation doesn't have to mean the kid never sees him surely. Though tbh, the less time a child spends around a pig like him, the better tbf.

Ok so if LTB is off the table you are asking us to help you damp down your own self esteem, and quash your desire for ever feeling truly loved and valued, safe or relaxed in your marriage? Erm, let me have a think.

at a minimum you need to have yourself checked for STDs and continue to do that regularly as this will continue.

do not have any more children with him ever.

do not start buying into his demand to have this labelled as an addiction and therefore something he is suffering from rather than choosing to do something which makes you suffer

accept that it will happen when he is away from you each time as there are zero consequences to his behaviour so what reason does he have to stop?

accept that if your daughter ever comes to you in the future stating that the man she is faithful to and loves deeply is sleeping with prostitutes and asking what should she do - that your response has to be- don’t leave him just stay and put up with it.

you are worth so much more than he is giving you OP.

You lived through this? What - your dad using prostitutes and your mum doing nothing about it?

You should be concerned that he may be HIV+ and that he may have infected you with it, or any other STDs.
For me, I would have left already- exploiting vulnerable women, betraying you -its not an addiction, he's filthy.
Very sorry

First step is HIV testing and a full STD screen. For the love of god don't have unprotected sex with him, he could give you anything. He's not got an addiction, he's just scum

Get yourself checked. Regularly. For the rest of your life whole you are sexually active with this man. That's all I have to say.

There are worse things than dad's not being around for kids btw.

Growing up seeing your mother broken and miserable and treated like shit, for example. Then becoming an adult and living with this burden that she stayed with the nasty bastard 'for you'. Resenting her for it because you suffered in that environment too. Finding your own boundaries warped because you have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like so you end up also dating scumballs or abusers and your own children, in turn, going through the same.

Thats a 'broken home'. Not daddy living somewhere exotic that they can visit on the holidays. Especially if they don't know any different because they were young when their parents split.

Also maybe factor his prostitute use into your family budget. Prob be a few less or smaller presents for your DC at Christmas and birthday unless he is going to the cheap ones who are little more than slaves.

Hope you don't have a daughter, what an utter disgrace of an example this kind of marriage sets.

Given that the only sensible response to this is to eave but you don't want to hear that, I'm not entirely sure what advice people can give.

But I'll try.

Stay with him, convince yourself its a sex addiction (it's not) so that you can pity and support him, destroy your self esteem to the point where you're grateful he hasn't left you - I mean, he must love you if he's sleeping with all these other women (who will let him do whatever he wants as he's paying for the access to their bodies) but still wants to be married to you, right?

Become a hollow shell of who you once were. Your children will grow up with a ghost of a mother but at least they won't carry the shame of divorced parents.

And then watch them repeat these patterns in their own lives

I think you've got it sussed OP. Well done you.

I’d use that month to

• get a full STD screening
• find a counsellor to work through what going on. 4 sessions (a month worth) isn’t a lot but will help clarify some stuff
• find a good lawyer to know what are your rights, where you stand re moving away etc…
• think about work. You’re not saying I’d you are working or if you can work where you are.
• Get some time away from him. Whether it’s you going back home to see family, going in a hols with your dc… but a break Wo him to be able to think more clearly. You need to know where you stand first and foremost. Though.

Fwiw I don’t think LTB is the right answer fir you. Not when you are living in a foreign country with all the issues coming with it. It would be foolish to close the door Wo having some safety net in place.

What she said.

So yeah, if you want to stay stay. But don't say you're doing it for the kid. Because that is a cop out. And your child won't thank you for it when they grow up. They'll resent you for it. And you'll probably resent them too if you are telling yourself its 'for' them.

It's really not.

Tbh some posters should look at themselves in the mirror.

Putting ANYONE down when they are fragile us crap. I’m not sure how you can then come and give some lessons in morals after that (the how dare you stay with him if he sees prostitues).

Leaving a relationship when leaving abroad is a whole different kettle if fish. Starting with the fact the OP might well nit be able to leave the country if she wants to see her child (because she will need the agreement t if the father for the child to live in a different country. And he could get nasty and say NO).
There is the fact she might not be able to work there etc…

It’s a he’ll if a lot more difficult than doing so in the U.K. And pushing the OP to just kick him out is potentially putting her in a really crap position!

So maybe think before you judge.

So any constructive suggestions for the OP, @MyriadOfTravels ?

Is there any moving on from this?

Well you either do or you don't, if you're not willing to leave him then you need to accept that he'll have sex with prostitutes and protect yourself when he gets home (always wear a condom etc). Treat him like an acquaintance who happens to live with you. Just hope your dc realise that this is not what healthy relationships look like and don't follow your example

I think if you want to stay you need to come to terms with the reality that he will continue using high risk prostitutes throughout the marriage so you need to protect your own and your child’s health from that reality.