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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No LTB please

221 replies

namechange4life · 25/03/2023 13:44

Hi.

I can't believe I'm writing this but here goes. Please, if anyone has LTB to say, just move on.

I just found out my husband has had sex with prostitutes 3 times over 5 years whilst working away on Bangkok.

We have 1 child. We currently live abroad for his work.

I do not want to LTB right now because i can't accept my child will live a divorced parent life across two countries which is what I lived though. Did I mention I just had failed ivf for no2?

I honestly believe he has some sort of compulsive sex addiction type problem. What he did DISGUSTS and REVOLTS me. Equally, I am concerned for his safety he is so fearful of losing us I'm worried what he will do to himself.

Is there ever any moving on from this?

I am in a state of shock, unable to process all this as having to hold it together for DC. For now I have said I'll give myself a month to digest what the actual fuck just happened before I make any decisions.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
smashinggrapes · 25/03/2023 15:16

He's a rapist who has done so many more than 3 times. Not because he's a sex addict. He also won't kill himself. He hates women but you won't LTB anyway. At the very least get an STI check.

DangerNoodles · 25/03/2023 15:17

Also, you say no judgement, but why do you think your situation is superior to that of being a single parent? It's an insult to single parents tbh.

RedEyeBaby · 25/03/2023 15:18

Previous poster's "be glad ivf failed" comment is uncalled for. The pain of ivf failure is huge.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/03/2023 15:21

RedEyeBaby · 25/03/2023 15:18

Previous poster's "be glad ivf failed" comment is uncalled for. The pain of ivf failure is huge.

No, that failure was a blessing in disguise, stop being so sanctimonious, it is what it is.

RedEyeBaby · 25/03/2023 15:22

I would also say that rape is sex without consent. A sex worker does give consent in exchange for money. As an immediate relative of a victim of this brutal crime, I wanted to point out this difference.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/03/2023 15:24

RedEyeBaby · 25/03/2023 15:22

I would also say that rape is sex without consent. A sex worker does give consent in exchange for money. As an immediate relative of a victim of this brutal crime, I wanted to point out this difference.

Wrong again, jesus christ.

Consent via coercion including being paid is not authentic consent.

Honestly I think you just need to shut up now, it's embarrassing.

PinkSyCo · 25/03/2023 15:24

RedEyeBaby · 25/03/2023 15:18

Previous poster's "be glad ivf failed" comment is uncalled for. The pain of ivf failure is huge.

The pain of having to sell your body, to rapey foreign rich men, in order to survive is pretty immense also.

RedEyeBaby · 25/03/2023 15:24

TomatoSandwiches · 25/03/2023 15:21

No, that failure was a blessing in disguise, stop being so sanctimonious, it is what it is.

Show quote history

Why? Because OP doesn't get to have another much-wanted baby because her husband used a prostitute?

We'll have to agree to differ.

RedEyeBaby · 25/03/2023 15:25

TomatoSandwiches · 25/03/2023 15:24

Wrong again, jesus christ.

Consent via coercion including being paid is not authentic consent.

Honestly I think you just need to shut up now, it's embarrassing.

Show quote history

Honestly I think you should stop being so rude, it's embarrassing.

PinkSyCo · 25/03/2023 15:27

DangerNoodles · 25/03/2023 15:17

Also, you say no judgement, but why do you think your situation is superior to that of being a single parent? It's an insult to single parents tbh.

I agree. Staying in a marriage no matter what is weak, terrible for your self esteem and an awful example to your children.

boboshmobo · 25/03/2023 15:27

My friends husband pays for prostitues at dollar island and yes sti's are rife ! No clue if she knows but it's absolutely grim !! I won't see either of them anymore !

I hope you are ok OP .

Flashingtealights · 25/03/2023 15:31

You say you are worried about him because he is so fearful of losing you.obviously he’s not that fearful because here he is having g sex with multiple prostitutes behind your back. He says it’s 3 or 5 or whatever, guaranteed it’ll be way way more than that. It’s just so thoroughly fucking grim.
Op this is your life and only you can decide what’s best for you. If you want to stay then you should try to work out how to try and save your relationship with professional help. However I wouldn’t be having sex with him in future. If he is continuing to have risky sex, which is very likely it’s only a matter of time till you end up with an STI, if you’re lucky.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 25/03/2023 15:32

Staying with a man like this and exposing your child to him is morally wrong. Are you asking for suggestions about marriage guidance and counselling? I mean I can definitely understand that it might not be safe or practical for you to leave now, but surely you mean you are planning how to get away from him as soon as is reasonably possible - not that you are asking MN how to save the marriage? Because that would be at your child's expense in the end and no one could support that.

JoanThursday1972 · 25/03/2023 15:32

America12 · 25/03/2023 14:53

He didn't just do it three times in five years.
If you stay he'll keep doing it.

I don't think he did either. He's minimised, but said enough to as he thinks be honest and confess, the odious little skunk 🦨

LimeCheesecake · 25/03/2023 15:33

You don’t want to be told to LTB because you won’t accept making your dc cope with parents in 2 countries, does that mean you really only want to find a way to stay for your child, not because you still love and respect him? If you didn’t have a child together, would you stay?

If the situation is you are staying for your child, make a long term plan. As youve just been trying for dc2, I assume dc1 is very young still, it can feel like forever until they are an adult, but as someone who’s dc1 is a teen now, it does go fast. will you stay with him once your child is grown?

i went to uni over 20 years ago, in my first year, several friends parents separated, and by the end of the third year, another friends parents were living separately (mother had moved to their holiday home to oversee building work, didn’t move back when done). Many posters will have you believe you have to leave now or stay with him forever , but “staying together for the children” with a long term plan to separate is sadly quite normal. In your case, I’d probably aim to separate when my dc could comfortably take a flight alone. (When that is will depend on your dcs level of maturity.)

Trollsinmyeggbox · 25/03/2023 15:37

he is so fearful of losing us I'm worried what he will do to himself

Not fearful enough to just not do it in the bloody first place though.

bouquetoffreshlysharpenedpencils · 25/03/2023 15:39

Hi OP. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this, it must be such a shock. I totally understand that you don’t just want to leave - otherwise you wouldn’t have come here looking for guidance. Sadly I think you’re looking in the wrong place - MN is infamous for telling people to leave for all sorts of reasons. Only you know whether your marriage is worth saving. If you want support, I would encourage you to look at the Surviving Infidelity forums and Affair Recovery. Both provide valuable resources and guidance.

Marriages can and do survive infidelity. Even when prostitutes are involved. It’s possible, but it takes a huge amount of work and healing on both sides. I wish you lots of luck 💐

LooseGoose22 · 25/03/2023 15:40

Trollsinmyeggbox · 25/03/2023 15:37

he is so fearful of losing us I'm worried what he will do to himself

Not fearful enough to just not do it in the bloody first place though.

He's acting up, so all the focus is on his welfare and stability ... And all the concern and sympathy towards him; not you.

LooseGoose22 · 25/03/2023 15:41

MN is infamous for telling people to leave for all sorts of reasons.

Fucking exploited, impoverished, potentially hiv infected prostitutes is a pretty good reason, mate.

LooseGoose22 · 25/03/2023 15:42

He's having a convenient breakdown .... Have the classic suicide suggestions/threads started yet?

MrsMoastyToasty · 25/03/2023 15:43

It may be a blessing in disguise that the fertility treatment was unsuccessful. Some diseases are transmitted to the baby in the womb and others as a result of vaginal delivery.
He may also have affected his own fertility.

swayingpalmtree · 25/03/2023 15:45

IF he is truly a sex addict then it will NOT have just been 3 times over 5 years- thats not how addiction works. If someone had three alcoholic drinks in 5 years you wouldnt say they were addicted to alcohol. If he does have an addiction he will have cheated many, many more times than you are actually aware of so bear that in mind.

You say no LTB, which is fair enough so your only other option is to carry on knowing that he has put your marriage and physical health at risk, many times.

If you are staying with him, at least go into it with your eyes open.

LooseGoose22 · 25/03/2023 15:46

Marriages can and do survive infidelity. Even when prostitutes are involved.

Raise your fucking bar.

It's currently too low for fleas to limbo under.

Funny how I have a feeling the infidelity and prostitute use you're referring to is all one way, by the husbands too. Poor pets, just can't help themselves. They're wired differently; except plenty of me help themselves and these cheaters and prostitute shaggers expect fidelity from their wives.

Also op was undergoing IVF, TTC ..... Any idea how many STDs can cause miscarriage and fetal abnormalities?

LooseGoose22 · 25/03/2023 15:47

He may also have affected his own fertility.

This too.

Filthy trash.

kitsuneghost · 25/03/2023 15:47

You have 2 choices.
1-LTB (which you don't want to do)
2- accept it as just a bit of sex and chill

If you want to stay with him you need to learn to let it go. You can't live a life being upset by something when you don't want to change it