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Original poster

No LTB please

221 replies

namechange4life · 25/03/2023 13:44

Hi.

I can't believe I'm writing this but here goes. Please, if anyone has LTB to say, just move on.

I just found out my husband has had sex with prostitutes 3 times over 5 years whilst working away on Bangkok.

We have 1 child. We currently live abroad for his work.

I do not want to LTB right now because i can't accept my child will live a divorced parent life across two countries which is what I lived though. Did I mention I just had failed ivf for no2?

I honestly believe he has some sort of compulsive sex addiction type problem. What he did DISGUSTS and REVOLTS me. Equally, I am concerned for his safety he is so fearful of losing us I'm worried what he will do to himself.

Is there ever any moving on from this?

I am in a state of shock, unable to process all this as having to hold it together for DC. For now I have said I'll give myself a month to digest what the actual fuck just happened before I make any decisions.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Original poster
namechange4life · 25/03/2023 14:21

MyriadOfTravels · 25/03/2023 14:13

Tbh some posters should look at themselves in the mirror.

Putting ANYONE down when they are fragile us crap. I’m not sure how you can then come and give some lessons in morals after that (the how dare you stay with him if he sees prostitues).

Leaving a relationship when leaving abroad is a whole different kettle if fish. Starting with the fact the OP might well nit be able to leave the country if she wants to see her child (because she will need the agreement t if the father for the child to live in a different country. And he could get nasty and say NO).
There is the fact she might not be able to work there etc…

It’s a he’ll if a lot more difficult than doing so in the U.K. And pushing the OP to just kick him out is potentially putting her in a really crap position!

So maybe think before you judge.

@MyriadOfTravels thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange4life · 25/03/2023 14:22

MyriadOfTravels · 25/03/2023 14:07

I’d use that month to

  • get a full STD screening
  • find a counsellor to work through what going on. 4 sessions (a month worth) isn’t a lot but will help clarify some stuff
  • find a good lawyer to know what are your rights, where you stand re moving away etc…
  • think about work. You’re not saying I’d you are working or if you can work where you are.
  • Get some time away from him. Whether it’s you going back home to see family, going in a hols with your dc… but a break Wo him to be able to think more clearly. You need to know where you stand first and foremost. Though.
Fwiw I don’t think LTB is the right answer fir you. Not when you are living in a foreign country with all the issues coming with it. It would be foolish to close the door Wo having some safety net in place.

And thank you again...

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange4life · 25/03/2023 14:24

S3eSaw · 25/03/2023 13:55

Giving it a month to see how you feel seems sensible. Gives you a chance to respond, not just react.

No wonder you are feeling such difficult stuff at the moment - it’s a horrible situation. I hope you find some clarity over the next couple of weeks and work out a way forwards that feels ok for you.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange4life · 25/03/2023 14:24

Nosejobent · 25/03/2023 13:53

If my partner offends or wrongs me, I find that it’s actually the reaction and how it is addressed that leaves the impact of how I view them and what’s happened.
at some point, when you do bring this up and let him know you know, his actions at that point will be telling As to whether there is a future together. You can’t be solely responsible for the marriage so if he is able to acknowledge his actions and take responsibility for the hurt and anger caused and then do something towards remedying it, that would be a positive starting point.

I’m very sorry you are going through this, it must be so awful. X

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange4life · 25/03/2023 14:25

Allicando · 25/03/2023 13:49

Sorry op that must be a massive shock for you - how did you find out? You need time to process the enormity of what has happened and only then you will be able to decide how you can move forward. Of course people move on from deceit but the question will be can you? Being cheated on can make you very insecure, angry, always questioning what they are doing etc. Only you can decide if you want to live like that or are willing to sacrifice your trust and yourself for the sake of keeping your family together. Flowers

Yeah this is it. Thank you.

OP posts:
JacobsCrackersCheeseFogg · 25/03/2023 14:26

If you don't want to leave him then just take some time away to have a think about it all. But I think, eventually, you will find you are in an untenable situation. How can you trust him?

ColdHandsHotHead · 25/03/2023 14:26

Have an STD test
Never have sex with him again
Definitely no further children with him.

JoanThursday1972 · 25/03/2023 14:30

Is there ever any moving on from this?

Yes, but you've told us not to say how ...

JoanThursday1972 · 25/03/2023 14:33

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 25/03/2023 13:57

Please, if anyone has LTB to say, just move on

OK, I'll turn it around. Why do you want to stay with someone who uses sex workers?

Why are you concerned about his mental health when he clearly wasn't concerned about your wellbeing - physical from the change of STIs and mental when you found out what he'd been doing?

Why do you want to stay (and expose your children to) something who does this and who disgusts and revolts you?

Why is exposing your children to someone like this BETTER than taking them to another country and having to endure split parenting?

Because he's a "high earner" I bet. He's a sleazy little nothing. There are better guys than him out of work or probably homeless.

Original poster
namechange4life · 25/03/2023 14:41

@JoanThursday1972
No, he's not a highway earner.... even if he was, I was specifically asking for no judgement. This is my life.

OP posts:
RememberNancyDrew · 25/03/2023 14:43

For practical logistical reasons:
Health check.
Never take in his nasty sperm again. (He'll get his sexual needs met elsewhere, as per his history.)
No more children.
Live as roommates, be pleasant, accept it's just a friendship going forward to lighten the atmosphere at home.
If you have a daughter, don't let her know daddy prefers prostitutes over his wife. It will fuck with her for a long time.
Always look for the next exit point - new job, relocation, he loses interest in the daddy role so a divorce and move-away is easier.

I've known a lot of women who stay (almost always because the man makes a lot of money and the woman has no intention of working). Do what you need to do.

Natty13 · 25/03/2023 14:47

namechange4life · 25/03/2023 14:41

@JoanThursday1972
No, he's not a highway earner.... even if he was, I was specifically asking for no judgement. This is my life.

It's very hard not to judge when there are children involved here.

Staying together "for the kids" is a tale as old as time but the reality is that children get their understanding of what to expect from relationships by watching their parents. Staying in a relationship because ots convenient for you (in terms of financial/love/loneliness/whatever) might be what's best for you but don't fool yourself that your kids will grow up tp happy and healthy attitudes towards romantic relationships if you stay.

JoanThursday1972 · 25/03/2023 14:48

namechange4life · 25/03/2023 14:41

@JoanThursday1972
No, he's not a highway earner.... even if he was, I was specifically asking for no judgement. This is my life.

I'm judging your sleaze of a husband not you.

I meant that he could earn sufficient that he's got you trapped, and thinks that because of what he's paid he's entitled. So he's just a common or garden cheating rat then.

It is your life, you're right. It's up to you if you choose to live it married to this scum out of fear.

clpsmum · 25/03/2023 14:48

You're a fool and doing yourself and your child no favours

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 25/03/2023 14:51

namechange4life · 25/03/2023 14:41

@JoanThursday1972
No, he's not a highway earner.... even if he was, I was specifically asking for no judgement. This is my life.

It's your life because that's what you've decided you'll stick with, for whatever reason. I can't imagine your children will thank you, but I'm sure you'll explain it somehow. Good luck with that.

Theunamedcat · 25/03/2023 14:52

If it were a "sex addiction" it won't be just three tines in five years compare it to cigarettes and you will have a better idea what constitutes addiction

Get a sti check plan your life as a single parent as he has proved he does not prioritise you or your child's health or wellbeing he may very well leave you

Work out how you will get home work out how you will afford a home his money is going elsewhere are you really sure he will prioritise the child? He hasn't so far

Prioritise yourself and your child

America12 · 25/03/2023 14:53

He didn't just do it three times in five years.
If you stay he'll keep doing it.

TeaserandtheFirecat · 25/03/2023 14:54

Are Thai sex workers considered particularly high risk for STDs?

I guess live like housemates is the only way for you op, but I doubt mr punter will agree to that

PinkSyCo · 25/03/2023 14:57

If you are determined to stay in a marriage with not just a cheat, but one who treats women as lumps of meat on whom he can get his rocks off, then please don’t be bringing any more kids into this sorry state of affairs.

villamariavintrapp · 25/03/2023 15:02

Well you can't change his behaviour, and you don't want to leave, so I guess you need to work on your reaction to it. Feeling disgusted and angry and upset is normal, but if you're determined to stay, then that's going to cause a horrible atmosphere for everyone to live in, and a miserable life.
So I suppose you have to work on what you can accept; can you accept him sleeping with others if he keeps it secret? Can you accept it if it's prostitutes? If it's never the same person twice? If you're also allowed to sleep with other people? If you never have sex with him again? It's a shit situation, most people would find LTB the least bad solution, but if that's not it for you, then work out what you can live with and make the best of it.

Peachy2005 · 25/03/2023 15:04

I really don’t know what you expect people to say then.

But get all your ducks in a row to protect yourself and child, financially and emotionally.

Don’t shag him (ever again?) and definitely don’t have any more kids with him!

Perhaps he needs you to kick him out (for a while) to actually make changes - if he has a compulsion/addiction as opposed to just being a dirty abusive b*stard… There really should be some actual consequences so some time apart while evaluating would be a good place to start. Good luck!

Nightynightnight · 25/03/2023 15:05

You have to really think about what you are willing to accept and what your future may hold. The kind of man who cheats with prostitutes is the kind of man who cheats. Past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour. So he is more likely than not to do this again. With a prostitute or with anyone else who takes his fancy. Your marriage is incredibly insecure. You have the choice now whether you are going to take control of your life (and your child's) or whether you are going to let him control your future happiness and security. If you stay with him you have chosen insecurity and anxiety.

Project yourself into the future and imagine what you would say to your child if they came to you and told you their partner was sleeping with prostitutes....then follow that advice. You deserve the same love, respect and care that you would give to them.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/03/2023 15:06

I'm so sorry he has put you in this position. I imagine it will be harder to leave in your circumstances so what would I do?

Firstly STD health check, but unfortunately you will need to have several as some things can take up to 3-6 months to show up on a test, so monthly check ups for a good 6 months from stopping having sex with him.

I would stop having sex altogether with him, he isn't a sex addict, you know that deep down as well as knowing it has not been as infrequent as he has lead you to believe.
They never admit the whole truth even when caught so keep that in mind.
If you have sex with him he will keep using/raping sex workers anyway so you only demean yourself to let him use your body as well.
No more children with him.

I think I would try to find a way to relocate eventually, you could use this revelation to get him to move if possible and then once on more favourable ground or around family support leave him.

123wentaway · 25/03/2023 15:12

If you want to stay with a man who has sex with prostitutes then you need to get a full sexual health check immediately. Then barrier precautions to prevent any infection in the future. Because he will use them again. And again.

DangerNoodles · 25/03/2023 15:14

You can't buy consent, men who use prostitutes are rapists. Why would you continue to want to have sex with a man who has such a low opinion of women? Why do you care about his mental health when he has put your health at risk?

Don't put your efforts into fixing this broken 'relationship' instead find a way to get you and your DC out of there.