No LTB please

[namechange4life]

Hi.

I can't believe I'm writing this but here goes. Please, if anyone has LTB to say, just move on.

I just found out my husband has had sex with prostitutes 3 times over 5 years whilst working away on Bangkok.

We have 1 child. We currently live abroad for his work.

I do not want to LTB right now because i can't accept my child will live a divorced parent life across two countries which is what I lived though. Did I mention I just had failed ivf for no2?

I honestly believe he has some sort of compulsive sex addiction type problem. What he did DISGUSTS and REVOLTS me. Equally, I am concerned for his safety he is so fearful of losing us I'm worried what he will do to himself.

Is there ever any moving on from this?

I am in a state of shock, unable to process all this as having to hold it together for DC. For now I have said I'll give myself a month to digest what the actual fuck just happened before I make any decisions.

Give yourself some time. You have just found out and it’s a huge shock. Honestly just defer the final decision.
I wouldn’t worry your husband hurting himself as he is so scared to lose you as he isn’t. He paid sex workers to have sex with him with not a single worry that doing that awful, disgusting thing would make you leave him.
You also need to think about the long term if you do stay, how will you bring yourself to have sex with him, are you going to be keeping track of him like a hawk, how can you respect him after this. If you are able to overcome it then you have a chance of being happy while staying, if not, and you stay you are looking at a very unhappy home life.

Also no sex addiction isn't 3 times in 5 years. So either he has only done it with prostitutes 3 times but also seeing other woman that aren't.

Or he's completely lieing

Also if you want to stay with him then fine but do it in peace. Move on and understand you will be in a relationship like that til your old.
Til he either died a scumbag or leaves you for a " OW "

Do what you want but love with the consequence of that

One of my brother’s best friends cheated on his wife with prostitutes and was an alcoholic, she put up with it for a few years and conceived their DD through IVF but when she was about 5 they divorced.

She remarried a banker, moved abroad and her DD went to one of the most expensive boarding schools in England.

Her DH after the divorce had a few girlfriends but cheated on most of them and it wasn’t until he had a heart attack and heart bypass operation and gave up drink that he appears to have calmed down.

I’ve worked for a divorce lawyer and one of my bosses best friends was a man similar to your DH, his ex wife was bitter in the divorce (and was loaded) and he got a huge settlement.

All I can say is if you stay with him, it’ll eat you up inside with resentment whether he gives up the prostitutes or not, your child will pick up on the resentment and rows and will wonder why you never divorced him.

This.

He's shown what sort of person he is - twice

Men who are otherwise relationship intelligent, not naive, relatively shrewd etc etc do not have some magical blind spot to the set up in Thailand, an impoverished, non welfare state, corrupt dictatorship that is heavily linked with paedophile child sex abuse & rape .overseas .... They ate perfectly capable of working out what the circumstances of those women in those bars etc at, what the background is. You think they don't question why so many attractive young women "choose" to prostitute themselves to often older, less attractive foreigners?
They can't figure that out at all?

They know, they get it, they understand, they can guess at it all ...... They don't care.

It benefits them, and they don't care.

That's what he is.

When exposed, he's emotionally blackmailing you, manipulating you, not caring about your mental health, about your pain, about your trauma, about your circumstances now ...... the focus is in him, what he wants, his needs, his welfare, him. Same shit, different woman.

He treats women like shit, whether it's strangers in awful circumstances or his partner

Only responding based on the original post as there are 8 pages....

But this isn't going to get better. And if he really is 'addicted' he isn't going to stop. He may make all sorts of promises and pretend to get help, but what's really happening is that he is still doing it but hiding it better from you. And you will go crazy trying to catch him out because you know deep down it's still happening. You will end up with ptsd trying to help an 'addict.' I use that term loosely here. Even if he really is a sex addict, using prostitutes takes it to a whole other level and reveals his character and how he actually views women.

If you decide to LTB - pretend you're willing to give the marriage a chance but only if you all move back to your home country so that the mending can take place in an atmosphere where you are comfortable. That way when you leave you are already legally living in the country where you need your child to reside. If you are really thinking of giving the marriage another chance then do this anyway so you're all set when he causes further destruction and heartache and it ends anyway.

Been there and speaking from experience. These types of men are not good father figures and your child is better off without him.

*relatively intelligent

If you decide to LTB - pretend you're willing to give the marriage a chance but only if you all move back to your home country so that the mending can take place in an atmosphere where you are comfortable. That way when you leave you are already legally living in the country where you need your child to reside. If you are really thinking of giving the marriage another chance then do this anyway so you're all set when he causes further destruction and heartache and it ends anyway.

This.

Get your child to wherever you want to be based and establish them.there as resident, in school, with a network, roots down etc.

Tell.him you both need a new beginning and change of scene and get him to move there as a condition of his "forgiveness".

The gloves need to come off with a man like this and you need to wise up and toughen up fucking fast.

Man with regular UK partner contracts super gonorrhea after "a sexual encounter" with a woman in Southeast Asia

I don't think being a single parent is as bad as being with a husband who uses prostitutes. I don't think being a child of divorced parents is as bad as being a child of miserable married parents (with a dad who uses prostitutes).

Get your ducks in a row as others have said. Then do what you need to do. Doubt he will kill himself but I've been there when I threatened to leave and it's terrifying so I feel for you.

No, what you asked was "where do you draw the line? How does it help to call punters rapists?" (paraphrased, but accurate).

It would help enormously if punters of coerced women were rightly called rapists, & prosecuted for rape, & imprisoned.

The only thing that will stop them is self-interest, & if that's the threat of a well-deserved prison sentence, good.

I know I said earlier about the ages of the sex workers, but I really can't shake it that he'd use them in a country where its very well known you can buy children, but not use UK sex workers.
I'm more concerned he's a paedophile than a sex addict.
But he isn't a sex addict, just a vile person.

Oh dear, this reminds me of a Reddit post I read about a man that was living a double life who'd see his secret Thai girlfriend and three kids during his business trips and then go back home to his family. He claimed his wife was his soulmate but didn't want to give up the perks of sex with the younger woman. He was only really bothered about getting caught. Are you absolutely sure your husband hasn't fathered children out there? Can you be sure he's told you everything? Sorry this has happened to you and best of luck.

What would work for you, if the family moved back to your home country would that give you the freedom you need? Is this possible, because if it is I would focus 100% on making it happen. Would he let you leave, then he has more freedom to do what he wants? I wouldn't tell him anything btw, say absolutely nothing and work on your plan. Come up with a medical issue so you cant have sex with him though, he could have stds. You need to establish primary residence for your child for 6 months and then its very very hard to move them without both parents consent.

I wouldn't have sex with the vile scrote full stop

I wouldn’t worry for his safety too much. He didn’t worry about yours.

This is way beyond cheating. Ask him what checks he undertook to satisfy himself he wasn’t raping trafficked or otherwise coerced women.

I've been raped, and I am horrified at what those poor women have to live through day after day when men pay to have sex with them. Consent my arse. They accept money for sex because they need money so survive but I have no doubt that it is a life of torture.

Is this the way you want to bring up your child?

Be really kind to yourself and find some real life support as well. I’m not going to say ltb but I wouldn’t advise anything other than that tbh - take it step by step. Find some counselling; have those std checks.

I’m so sorry, I have also experienced this & understand how devastating it is.
I stayed, he made attempts to change but ultimately did not.
I felt very smug initially that I would have the relationship that bucks the trend, that my husband was doing & saying all the right things to show that this wouldn’t be a problem I would have to live with again (therapy, lots of taking, access to bank statements etc etc)

That wore off over the years and he reverted to his old behaviours. It isn’t a reflection on me and this isn’t a reflection on you. It’s a them problem & one which will have been around long before you met him.

I’m so sorry, if you look up the sisterhood support you will find hundreds of women who have been in your position. knowing you’re not alone in this can be very comforting at a time when you maybe feel like you can’t talk to anyone in real life about what has happened.

He will not change, I’m sorry but he won’t.

You have to decide for yourself if this is something you can live with for the rest of your life/marriage. You’re also entitled to change your mind on this at any point.