No LTB please

[namechange4life]

Hi.

I can't believe I'm writing this but here goes. Please, if anyone has LTB to say, just move on.

I just found out my husband has had sex with prostitutes 3 times over 5 years whilst working away on Bangkok.

We have 1 child. We currently live abroad for his work.

I do not want to LTB right now because i can't accept my child will live a divorced parent life across two countries which is what I lived though. Did I mention I just had failed ivf for no2?

I honestly believe he has some sort of compulsive sex addiction type problem. What he did DISGUSTS and REVOLTS me. Equally, I am concerned for his safety he is so fearful of losing us I'm worried what he will do to himself.

Is there ever any moving on from this?

I am in a state of shock, unable to process all this as having to hold it together for DC. For now I have said I'll give myself a month to digest what the actual fuck just happened before I make any decisions.

All of this.

I forgot to mention how he has played a part in trafficking women, paid money they are desperate for to get himself off and doesn't give a fuck about his wife or child. For those reasons alone I'd never be able to look at him without utter disgust ever again.

Again - there isn't a woman posting here who doesn't know somebody who has been raped or sexually assaulted. Your friend's appalling experience doesn't give you any special insight.

I have the consequences of rape right in front of me right now - . Didn’t say I was anything special, not ‘dismissing’ anything and at no point did I say that sex workers are ‘happily, independently’ advertising themselves for sale. All points I made in subsequent posts.

From “Sex Trafficking: Inside the Business of Modern Slavery”, by Siddhartha Kara.

OP I do know how you feel a bit.

When DP cheated on me (in my own house while I was asleep in another room) my knee jerk reaction was how to fix it ... To work out how I could remove the problems in our relationship that caused this to happen... My brain bypassed the unthinkable (breaking up) and went straight to "Itll be hard, but we'll get through it". I truly do think this is wholly understandable way to feel.

I also think in your circumstances in particular leaving immediately may not be the best for you. You're extremely shocked, it's best to let the dust settle and see how you feel afterwards.

Gently, I will tell you what happened to me.... Four years later I did leave him. There was strong evidence he had done something much much worse. Something I couldn't even really believe he had done because it was so awful. But the trust was gone and it would never come back, so benefit of the doubt wasn't an option. I could not trust his word any more.

Years later, I look back on that period with anger (at him....and at myself, because I thought I couldn't survive without him and of course I absolutely did) and an overall mourning of the time I will never get back. 7 years of my life that I will never get back.

OP, it's up to you what you do but please don't martyr yourself for your kids sake. You only get one life and you deserve to be happy. Take care.

3 times over 5 years 🤣 as if. It's sex 3 times and then some during every trip, how can you be so naive? What's the point in posting and saying no one can say leave, do you want replies along the lines of "I'm married to someone who sleeps with Thai prostitutes too, it's not an issue, in fact I think it makes us closer and feel more connected".

Stay if you like, just insist on protected sex from now on and that he goes to the clinic after each trip and doesn't come near you until he can show you a clear result. He's risking your health otherwise. If you are happy to let this carry on at least be safe.

There was no clarification. You just doubled down, because you don't want to admit that you know jackshit about how the prostitution industry works.

There is no defence for claiming that sex workers can't be raped because "they advertise themselves for sale". You seem to have no clue as to how many do this unwillingly, what threats they live under, & how appalling their living conditions are.

But you reckon you;re unique 'cos you know a rape victim. Yeah right ....

Taking a month seems like a reasonable way to slow down this train wreck and think about what you want to do.

In that month, please have a complete health check especially for stds.

I worked for the international division of a big company. In my experience there were men who stayed faithful to their wives while in Thailand/china/philippines etc. and those who took to the seedier side no problem. None of the latter had 3 incidents in 5 years. Trust me on this. If your DH used a prostitute once on his trips, he did it every time and way more than he is admitting to.

And don't worry about him. He won't hurt himself (and if he does, that's on him). He is just a bit panicked because his life is unravelling. He'll soon be back in control and treating you badly in the divorce.

I can see why you aren’t free to just LTB
Don’t know how you stand with regards to taking your child and leaving or where you would go if say you had rented or even sold your home in your own country. Do you have anywhere available to go back to.

I would take the month to plan and put in place a new way of living whilst you are both abroad and putting together a plan for the future where you can leave with dc

I certainly wouldn’t be having sex with him again as it is obvious that he couldn’t give a shit about putting your life in danger.
Personally I think he can’t be trusted.

Having an affair is one thing and ge might argue that prostitution is safer as they use condoms and get themselves checked out regularly but it isn’t after every client so it’s the equivalent of your Dh playing Russian roulette with not only his own life but the life of his wife and putting the welfare of his dc in danger if you both end up being HIV+. A divorce is going to affect your child But living in a dysfunctional household where no one speaks of what daddy gets up to (she will know in time) and their mother stayed is just kicking the trauma down the road.
For me the cost to my peace of mind is too high a price to stay long term.

Whether you leave now or later the marriage is over. You can’t ever see a time where you trust him again

You are in shock and need to process that so be kind to yourself and give yourself time to think... mostly about your rights in the country you in and whether you need to stay there to keep custody of your child.

How can you say you're not dismissing anything?

You dismissed any possibility of coercion of sex workers being rape. Several times.

And you are STILL banging on about your friend. You have done so in almost every post. You are using your friend as a 'special pleading' tool to try & justify your horrible attitude to prostitution. Please just stop.

All I can think, OP, is what I would say to you if you were one of my adult DDs. It would not involve staying with this man.

Well the OP is nothing but polite.
Thank you, thank you, thank you….

I absolutely did not say that sex workers can’t be raped. What I asked was if you regard the ‘trade’ of sex workers as rape, by it’s very nature, where do you draw the line ? Where does the protection of the law begin and end ?

@namechange4life I am sorry this has happened.

You must be terrified, devastated, angry, sad and so much more at once.

I don’t mean to sound judgemental. But what you have said doesn’t make sense. If it’s an addiction it’s not 3 in 5 years. If it really is 3 in 5 years, it’s not an addiction. Or it’s alot more.

Does it matter if it’s an addiction? It was still his choice to have sex with women, who were not giving consent, breaking your vows. Did her marry you knowing he liked having sex with prostitutes? When didn’t he tackle before then? Was he having sex with prostitutes before you married? If not, what made him decide having sex with women who were likely trafficked was a new thing to try? What attracted him to that? Why wasn’t he choosing to just sleep with women he met through work or in bars? Or do you think he did that first?

Even in the last 5 years he has not looked for help. He has continued to do this.

You don’t know the full story here and likely never will. If you really won’t leave him, then I think you need to be practical. Accept he will continue to do this. Accept he chooses to have sex with women who are incapable of giving their consent. Look at it as a marriage of practicality. Not of love and mutual respect. Build your own life away from him. You own support network. Get your own income. It will make choices available to you, even if you choose to stay. You won’t feel as trapped when you have a way out.

Oh op, I am so sorry you are going through this. But.. I don’t know what you expect people to say. He’s cheating with prostitutes (and if there is No Way it’s only been 3 over 5 years). In the short term, you need a health check, some legal advice, and some local support). Over time I hope you do feel strong enough to LTB - putting up with his cheating and utter contempt for you is no way to live, or bring up children.

I haven't read the full thread just your posts.

You ask if you'll be able to move on from this.

Truthfully, none of us know. I can't imagine it's likely but my view is undoubtedly coloured by the fact that I couldn't.

Are you living in a country where you'd like to stay? Is there a chance his work will take him abroad again? It sounds as though you follow his job country to country.

If so, in your shoes I'd look to created a new settled life for myself either in the current country or back home. He could continue to follow his job and you and your child will have a stable and happy home life.

I do understand all the practicalities of splitting up while living abroad, presumably under his visa or similar, but if you're the sort of person who always believed you'd never be able to stick with the relationship after such revelations that's not likely to change. Will you ever feel able to trust him again?

Generally, we tend to have more options about how and where to live our lives than we think so while you take the next few weeks to process this, be open to the what-ifs that feel impossible now. Once you start thinking them through, they may well become very doable.

Children are better off in a split but happy home rather than one which is riven with unresolved betrayal, grief and anger and your experience of living between countries isn't necessarily going to the same as your kids'. You are also not either of your parents.

Your life has turned on a sixpence but there is no reason why you and your child can't have wonderfully happy lives while divorced from him.

Don't stay because of threats that he'll harm himself, that sort of emotional blackmail is only ever about control and you are not responsible for him.

Run through your options, allow yourself to dream of the independent life you would want, don't make any hasty decisions. You'll get through this.

Not a friend, a very close relative who was lucky to escape with her life. You’re not paying much attention to the detail in my posts, and clearly not understanding the points I was trying to make. You’re right. I’ll stop - no point in posting any kind of opinion or trying to debate anything reasonably on MN any more.

Why do you think it's a sex addiction if it was apparently only 3 times in 5 years?

See a therapust counsellor for you a resl life one

Look at why this turns into your concerns for his safety
Your desire to save and rescue him from himself

(You cannot, you can only save yourself )

Equally, I am concerned for his safety he is so fearful of losing us I'm worried what he will do to himself.

If he really is fearful of losing you he wont do this will he?

Do you have the means to earn a living, OP? Do you have family in your home country? In other words, how limited are you current options?

If you are unwilling to leave him, I guess you'll have to accept that your marriage is an arrangement; he supports you in exchange for child care. I certainly wouldn't take the risk of having sex with him ever again, and god forbid you should bring another child into this situation.

I'd just live separately under the same roof and try to not let this impact the child too much. And whatever he spends on sex workers, you should get an equal amount to spend as you see fit. Put it to him unemotionally and baldly, like that.

My love for any man would shrivel up and die, frankly, in this scenario.

You do know he won’t stop doing this, don’t you. You need to decide where your line is….are you really going to be happy staying with him for the sake of your child ? He obviously doesn’t respect you or your child very much does he…..you can have a better life and find someone who will treat you with love and respect.

It would be interesting to know how you found out about his behaviour op.

Stay if you like, just insist on protected sex from now on and that he goes to the clinic after each trip and doesn't come near you until he can show you a clear result

Rapid antibody hiv tests take 10 - 18 days min to be accurate; so she'd have to quarantine him sexually after any trips .... Then there's the fact condoms can split/tear/come off.

Then there's the STDs that may not be detectable unless they're active/flared up.

You worry for his life but he clearly doesn't worry about his life, or more importantly yours, since he decided to rely on putting (presumably) a thin layer of latex between himself -and by proxy you - and potential hiv infection (in a prostitution "hot spot" with apparently over 20% infected sex workers).

Presumably he's not on "prep" to try to prevent infection and I don't know how east it is for anyone to get drug that's taken as soon as possible after potential infection.

Then why are you even posting????

No empathy for people like you!

Why bother posting, what exactly do you hope some stranger will say? " Ohh it's okay, it's only your husband abusing woman with no money in a country where he can get away with paying pennies for some poor woman to fuck him because she has little choice oh and it's okay your trying to bring children into the world when that's the life your living"

Ain't gunna happen