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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

No LTB please

221 replies

namechange4life · 25/03/2023 13:44

Hi.

I can't believe I'm writing this but here goes. Please, if anyone has LTB to say, just move on.

I just found out my husband has had sex with prostitutes 3 times over 5 years whilst working away on Bangkok.

We have 1 child. We currently live abroad for his work.

I do not want to LTB right now because i can't accept my child will live a divorced parent life across two countries which is what I lived though. Did I mention I just had failed ivf for no2?

I honestly believe he has some sort of compulsive sex addiction type problem. What he did DISGUSTS and REVOLTS me. Equally, I am concerned for his safety he is so fearful of losing us I'm worried what he will do to himself.

Is there ever any moving on from this?

I am in a state of shock, unable to process all this as having to hold it together for DC. For now I have said I'll give myself a month to digest what the actual fuck just happened before I make any decisions.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
LooseGoose22 · 25/03/2023 16:07

*morally repugnant

Theunamedcat · 25/03/2023 16:07

namechange4life · 25/03/2023 14:41

@JoanThursday1972
No, he's not a highway earner.... even if he was, I was specifically asking for no judgement. This is my life.

It's your child's life too plus any others you choose to bring into it

Rosscameasdoody · 25/03/2023 16:13

TomatoSandwiches · 25/03/2023 15:24

Wrong again, jesus christ.

Consent via coercion including being paid is not authentic consent.

Honestly I think you just need to shut up now, it's embarrassing.

I am also close to someone who was brutally raped and I find the comparison with rape offensive to women who have been brutalised and traumatised in this way. Rape isn’t sex, it’s assault and it’s not the same thing as paying a prostitute. Advertising yourself for sale and taking payment for services rendered reduces sex to a dispassionate transaction, and it’s really sad that many women are forced into sex work by circumstances, but it’s not rape. And your last comment is rude as well as offensive, as it’s directed at someone posting in support of a rape victim.

GarlicGrace · 25/03/2023 16:14

OK. Three times over five years is not a sex addiction.
It was probably very many more than three times but, since you haven't encountered wildly random sexual shenanigans with him before, you're still not looking at a sex addict.

There must be men who spend a fair amount of time in Thailand without using prostitutes - but I've never met one. I've met quite a lot who lie about it, mind you. You know how ubiquitous and insistent prostitution is there. This has the effect of normalising it. We mostly try to sympathise with the prostituted women, men and children because we know they were likely forced into it by circumstance or threat. Coupled with the fact that they and their customers are absolutely everywhere, this creates a particular kind of culture of acceptance. I find my own 'acceptance' so uncomfortable, I stopped going there. But this isn't about me.

I'm trying to depict the pervasive social & cultural environment your husband was working in. Assuming he's not so dumb (like English tourists) as to believe a young Thai woman has inexplicably fallen in love with him, he would have been batting off very friendly approaches several times a day. It only takes a low mood, a couple of drinks too many, a moment of "what the heck", and he's gone beyond the polite chat but no thanks. It's now a long chat, irresistible flirting, and ... blimey, I never meant to do that. If he was working with a group of men, too, it's almost a given that they'd indulge in regular nights on the town with mutual encouragement to make use of prostitutes.

In your shoes, I'd make a big deal of it with him. I would subject him to in-depth education on the conditions in which these women work, the way rural families are forced by poverty or gangs to sell their children, the many ways young people are conned into sex work, that they're imprisoned and beaten by brothel keepers, that they're trapped by debts that never seem to get paid off, and that their overlords threaten to kill their families if they fail to pretend they're in it by choice. There's even more - organ harvesting, pyramid schemes, land scams, drugs, all sorts. It's a filthy business with a gentle, smiling face. I didn't want to contribute to it, but I did want to be kind. Roughly similar motives lead men, in their thousands, to put money & bodily fluids into it.

Were this my husband, I would really want him to know why it was wrong: not only has he wronged you, broken your trust in your marriage, but he's wronged the women or men he went with. I understand why you're devastated. Let him know, too - all of it. Make him understand, viscerally.

If he has to go back to Thailand (or other places with a similar problem), I think I might secretly expect him to do it again. But I'd make bloody sure he didn't know that!

Also, you do need to get a full set of tests and repeat them at the recommended intervals. I'm sorry this has happened to you. But, very unusually for me, I'm blaming the environment rather than the man.

OurChristmasMiracle · 25/03/2023 16:15

Honestly-

do not have any type of sexual contact with him until both you and him are STI tested and are clean- you will need to see his results to prove this.

secondly if it is a sex addiction then he needs to get help and seek support to stop and if he isn’t able or willing to then this will only happen again. If he’s not a sex addict then he has still cheated and this is something you need to decide if you can move on from

Thirdly I would recommend some counselling so that you can get your head straight

fourthly do the freedom programme just to rule out the potential for abuse- making you think he may harm himself, being in a different country etc could be signs of abuse. Who chose to move there? Do you know anyone? When was the last time you spoke to or saw your family?

LooseGoose22 · 25/03/2023 16:15

It's not just your life though, is it op.

"What effect can your STI have on your fetus and why are STIs especially concerning for new mothers and their health care providers?Many common STIs can have a variety of negative effects on the fetus or the newborn if they are transmitted in utero or during delivery:

Gonorrhea: A common bacterial STI, which can be effectively treated with antibiotics, gonorrhea can cause premature birth, stillbirth and eye infections in the fetus or newborn.

Chlamydia: Another common bacterial STI, Chlamydia can cause pneumonia, eye infections and blindness in newborns if transferred to the fetus during delivery.

Syphilis: Syphilis is curable with antibiotics if the mother is diagnosed. If it remains untreated, it can cause stillbirth or serious developmental delays and physical abnormalities, particularly dental and facial deformities in the fetus.

Human Papilloma Virus (HPV): This common STI is very rarely transmitted to the fetus during delivery. It can, in rare cases, cause warts to form in the newborn’s throat, which must be dealt with surgically.

Herpes: If the herpes virus is transmitted to the fetus during delivery, it can cause the baby to develop skin lesions, problems with internal organs (particularly the liver), seizures and encephalitis (swelling of the brain). In some cases, symptoms may not become apparent until the baby is over two years old.

Hepatitis B: Approximately 90% of babies born to mothers with Hepatitis B will contract the disease, unless they receive treatment within a few hours of birth. Babies who contract Hepatitis B will have problems with their liver, including scarring of the liver and liver cancer.

Since your newborn’s immune system is still developing, it can be particularly damaging if he or she contracts an STI. Viral infections such as herpes and hepatitis B cannot be cured and your baby will be a carrier of the virus for life. Even bacterial infections, which can be cured if the mother is diagnosed during pregnancy, can cause serious deformities and health problems in newborns if left untreated."

Btw condoms are not effective against all STDs, some only require intimate contact. And that's not taking potentially broken, split ones (realised or not), and ones coming off into account.

And how exactly has he done this because he's a sex addict, but somehow only done it three times, and has of course stopped completely now?
How is that sex addiction?

So either it's nothing to do with sex addiction, or he's lying about his activities.

(Or it could even be both).

People who don't get the fuck out of there when a bullet's just whipped past their head, often end up getting shot; know what I'm saying?

LooseGoose22 · 25/03/2023 16:19

Note that this delightful list hasnt even mentioned Hiv.

whatausername · 25/03/2023 16:21

@Rosscameasdoody you cannot speak to all types of rape or for all victims. You can speak of one specific case. I am sorry for what happened to the "somebody you are close to" but your post is ridiculously narrow.

LooseGoose22 · 25/03/2023 16:22

whatausername · 25/03/2023 16:21

@Rosscameasdoody you cannot speak to all types of rape or for all victims. You can speak of one specific case. I am sorry for what happened to the "somebody you are close to" but your post is ridiculously narrow.

Yes, I was going to respond that there are many types of rape and one type does not negate another. It was an idiotic comment.

Whadda · 25/03/2023 16:23

By staying on this marriage, you’re condoning his behaviour. That’s fine, you do you, but stop kidding yourself that leaving him is worse than a lifetime of holding your breath every time he’s out of your sight.

Anyway, practical advice:

  • Get an STD test.
  • Keep money separate so he’s not spending yours on prostitutes.
  • Cancel the IVF plan because bringing another child into this mess isn’t the right thing to do.
springwashing2023 · 25/03/2023 16:24

@namechange4life We used to live in Asia. Men often went to Bangkok 'on business' and it was well known that many shagged prostitutes.
Never once did I think my very shy and conservative husband would do this, but he did. He's now married her!

TomatoSandwiches · 25/03/2023 16:25

Rosscameasdoody · 25/03/2023 16:13

I am also close to someone who was brutally raped and I find the comparison with rape offensive to women who have been brutalised and traumatised in this way. Rape isn’t sex, it’s assault and it’s not the same thing as paying a prostitute. Advertising yourself for sale and taking payment for services rendered reduces sex to a dispassionate transaction, and it’s really sad that many women are forced into sex work by circumstances, but it’s not rape. And your last comment is rude as well as offensive, as it’s directed at someone posting in support of a rape victim.

These women are most likely trafficked victims being sold by pimps from qhen they were classed as children, paying to use their bodies is rape, they do not have the capacity to consent, these women, men and children are raped multiple times a day, just because it isn't a surprise doesn't make it any lesser category of rape!

Claiming you have a family member or friend that was "brutally raped" doesn't make your pov hold more weight, infact I find it morally abhorrent that you would think there is a valid distinction over the two scenarios in which one set of rape victim has had it worse.

So please, stop trying to virtual signal with incompetent competitve statements such as the one I quote here.

Absolutely repugnant attitude.

LakieLady · 25/03/2023 16:26

So sorry your husband has abused your trust in this way, and I totally get that you must be devastated right now. But I think you need to consider what this tells you about your husband.

In countries like Thailand sex workers are exploited and trafficked. A man who uses them is complicit in exploitation and trafficking, and has no respect or consideration for women. It is a form of abuse.

Is that really the sort of man you want for a life partner, OP?

Hintofreality · 25/03/2023 16:26

As you don’t want to hear LTB, I’ll just say stay with him and soon that 3 women will become 4, and then 5, 6, 7, 8 ……..
Have fun with that!

LooseGoose22 · 25/03/2023 16:27

TomatoSandwiches · 25/03/2023 16:25

These women are most likely trafficked victims being sold by pimps from qhen they were classed as children, paying to use their bodies is rape, they do not have the capacity to consent, these women, men and children are raped multiple times a day, just because it isn't a surprise doesn't make it any lesser category of rape!

Claiming you have a family member or friend that was "brutally raped" doesn't make your pov hold more weight, infact I find it morally abhorrent that you would think there is a valid distinction over the two scenarios in which one set of rape victim has had it worse.

So please, stop trying to virtual signal with incompetent competitve statements such as the one I quote here.

Absolutely repugnant attitude.

This.

The ignorance (at best) is appalling.

And also note the same fucked up peddling of the rape myth, that rape is only really rape of its brutal and forceful.... Or it's worse if its brutal or forceful.

Beyond shit convictions for rape in our first world country and women, women are still peddling this.

GarlicGrace · 25/03/2023 16:27

springwashing2023 · 25/03/2023 16:24

@namechange4life We used to live in Asia. Men often went to Bangkok 'on business' and it was well known that many shagged prostitutes.
Never once did I think my very shy and conservative husband would do this, but he did. He's now married her!

Jeez. Sorry to hear that! What a twerp.

AlrightJulia · 25/03/2023 16:27

No LTB? Okay, try DTT instead.
Divorce The Twat.
This won't get any better for you. Be brave. You don't need to live with this.

MrsRickAstley · 25/03/2023 16:28

🙄

MissMarplesbag · 25/03/2023 16:28

Don't have a another baby with this man, if you don't want to leave him that is your choice. But don't bring another child into this dysfunctional situation, it's not fair on the child. You know about his habits now so please don't get pregnant.

Pixiedust1234 · 25/03/2023 16:29

Only read the OPs posts.

I can guarantee you that it won't only be three. Its just three he is willing to tell you about. Please get your health checked out.

Equally, I am concerned for his safety he is so fearful of losing us I'm worried what he will do to himself.

His safety is his responsibility. You can ask the police to do welfare checks if he threatens to harm himself. You should never stay with someone who does this as its manipulative control.

That said, since this is not something you are willing to leave over, is there any practical advice you are wanting or did you just need to vent?

LooseGoose22 · 25/03/2023 16:30

Get an STD test.

Your std test is only as good as the last one when you're with a proven cheater and prostitute user. It also used to be the case that hiv antibodies took a while to be detectable so it was only "true" up to a couple of months before the tests.

Some tests will also not show up eg HPV, have unless active/detectable.

LooseGoose22 · 25/03/2023 16:31

he is so fearful of losing us

He wasn't so fearful when he was balls deep in "3" Thai girls who were only doing it cause they're impoverished, coerced, pressured, trapped etc.

Villssev · 25/03/2023 16:32

namechange4life · 25/03/2023 14:41

@JoanThursday1972
No, he's not a highway earner.... even if he was, I was specifically asking for no judgement. This is my life.

So you just want to post multiple times thanking those that are patting you on the head with “there there OP”?

Porkandbeans1 · 25/03/2023 16:32

No judgement from me op. I stayed with someone who was violent towards me for years. It isn't always as easy as people make out.

You've already been given some great advice regarding your health and the month you're giving yourself to decide on your future.

My advice would be if you need to stay more long term, then make sure you're planning for your future when you can leave. Have a separate bank account and save all that you can, work on your career and take on any training, know your options about housing and locations you want to settle in, etc.

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