No LTB please

[namechange4life]

Hi.

I can't believe I'm writing this but here goes. Please, if anyone has LTB to say, just move on.

I just found out my husband has had sex with prostitutes 3 times over 5 years whilst working away on Bangkok.

We have 1 child. We currently live abroad for his work.

I do not want to LTB right now because i can't accept my child will live a divorced parent life across two countries which is what I lived though. Did I mention I just had failed ivf for no2?

I honestly believe he has some sort of compulsive sex addiction type problem. What he did DISGUSTS and REVOLTS me. Equally, I am concerned for his safety he is so fearful of losing us I'm worried what he will do to himself.

Is there ever any moving on from this?

I am in a state of shock, unable to process all this as having to hold it together for DC. For now I have said I'll give myself a month to digest what the actual fuck just happened before I make any decisions.

Definitely get an STI test.

You do need to come to terms with the fact that if you have something then it may have been passed on to your child.

It may also affect your ability to conceive too.

What you also need to come to terms with is the fact that it’s likely a much higher number than you realise.

People do stay with their partners when things like this happen.

Some have an open marriage with certain rules and some just turn a blind eye.

There was a thread about a woman whose DH had a mistress and she was ok with it but they never speak about it.

What route you choose to go down is up to you.

For me personally if I ever accepted it (I don’t think I ever could) I would need to have rules about who he can have sex with and they’d need to be a condom worn etc. and if it truly is an open marriage then you should also get to have sex with other men.

Ultimately if you have just found out then take your time coming to terms with it.
You don’t need to make any rash decisions.
You may feel you can forgive him today but in a few days when it has hit you properly you may feel much different.

namechange4life God I'm so sorry you're in this situation. What he's done to your family, your future (whatever happens he's changed everything) and your dreams (because of previous point) is deplorable.

I agree that you're doing the right thing in taking time to let it settle and see what you feel is right for you.

I live abroad (EU right now but hasn't always been). My POV comes from living outside the U.K. and getting divorced and also having grown up with parents split across countries.

I'm not saying divorce is the right thing for you, but in order for you to rule it out, you actually need to know exactly what it would mean. This has an extra relevance for you because your childhood memories are a child perspective, with attached child emotions, specific to your situation as a child with your specific set of parents. It's worth saying that it's different as an adult, different emotions and considerations. It would also not necessarily be the same for your child as it was for you. For a start I imagine that like me you may have had to rely on crackly phone calls and snail mail for contact - if any - with absent parent! And I am certain that you and DH are not replicas of your parents, even if you're similar in some ways.

You need to see a local lawyer specialising in international family law/divorce. You really need to know where you stand in terms of which marital regime (law) covers you. I'd actually do the same with a British lawyer from whichever British country you're from.

I KNOW that's hard to stomach, but honestly you cannot choose to stay with him if you aren't 100% clear about your fundamental rights in this situation.

You can also extend your month if you need a bit longer - I suspect it'll take you longer to figure out what you want to do because it requires you coming to terms with what he's done and what that really means for you. Please seek the legal advice (with a friend if that's possible for support and to help take notes - I recognise you may not have or want anybody to) asap though, because that is something certain in this mess. It gives you something stable to hold on to/reject while your emotions and thoughts are swimming all over the place.

And yes you need immediate and then regular STI testing. Condoms don't protect from all STIs. Sorry.

Please be really nice to yourself too. Anything that makes you feel good is something you should do. And that needs to guide how you handle the issue too. In even the most sympathetic way of viewing what your DH does, he's not put you near the top of his priorities. Make sure you're at the top of yours, not him.

As for being worried about what he'll do to himself, that's also not your problem. He's a husband and a father, he has to take responsibility for his actions - past, present and future and not lay them on you. This is a very typical emotional manipulation technique. Even just hinting that they would do something stupid if you don't have the response they want you to is typical.

And maybe, if you can, head back to the U.K. for a few weeks to give yourself some distance to think about it. You need to be able to trust him 100%. I have no advice on that because I wouldn't be able to trust him after this, nor would I forgive him for having multiple sex partners and then having sex with me.

I wish you the best. What he's done is truly awful.

Of course it's rape. It's rape every time. For those who feel safer with a narrow definition of rape, prostitutes are often violently treated by customers, with all the brutality of any non-transactional rape.

The fact that they can't complain about this proves that all paid-for sex activity is rape.

Not meant to be ‘narrow’ and definitely not speaking for what goes on in countries like these - and I absolutely get that many women have no choice. But where do you draw the line ? And at what point can a sex worker claim to have actually been raped and seek legal recourse if you consider her ‘trade’, for want of a better word, to be rape ?

*You need to see a local lawyer specialising in international family law/divorce. You really need to know where you stand in terms of which marital regime (law) covers you. I'd actually do the same with a British lawyer from whichever British country you're from.

I KNOW that's hard to stomach, but honestly you cannot choose to stay with him if you aren't 100% clear about your fundamental rights in this situation.*

Very good advice.

Also what @DivorcingEU said about your experiences as a child informing your decisions as an adult.

I am wishing you well, @namechange4life. Hope you have some good friends to lean on

I am not ‘idiotic’ thank you, and there’s no need to be rude. I’ve clarified my post - and was posting from the point of view of someone closely involved with the fallout from a serious sexual assault. The poster i was responding to was rude and dismissive to someone else posting from first hand experience - but then that’s about par for the course on MN these days. Apparently people with a different point of view are ‘idiotic’.

Oh OP what a shit situation. I obviously want to tell you to get away from him but I totally get why that is not the right option for you right now.
So, I would start by working on yourself. Meditation, self help tutorials, books, whatever feels right for you. Carve a life for yourself where you feel happy. It wouldn't hurt to look into the choices you have if you split so you will never be blind sided. Gather strength for you and your child. Good luck!

@DivorcingEU thank you

A poster on here was disturbed by her bf saying he had used prostitutes in Thailand in the past, with his mates .... And that in one shared session, the prostitute with his mate specifically said he was hurting her and he continued doing what he was doing.

Ateotd Far Eastern Asian people often have smaller, lighter builds than Caucasian people. The likelihood of any woman who's not aroused and properly consenting, experiencing pain during penetrative is there; bit this scenario is even more likely. I lived in a country in the Face East for a couple of years, had sex with local men, had graphic conversations with local women having sex with Caucasians men, and with Caucasian men having sex with local women (we were all very young and talked a lot about sex and relationships) and everyone... Everyone raised this point.

@namechange4life SassyFox and DivorcingEU have provided some very balanced and well-thought out advice on page 6.

*Far East

OP I've PMd you.

No your comments re prostitution and the definition of rape were beyond ignorant and frankly you are what is wring with our culture re. rape.

"I do not want to LTB right now because i can't accept my child will live a divorced parent life across two countries which is what I lived though".

But that is still not a reason nor basis to remain with such a man nor does not hold up under scrutiny. Your childhood experience of divorce is not going to be the exact same for your child. Divorce, in and of itself, need not be harmful to children. It is the adversarial and contentious process of divorce, if continued, that may wreak damage (and that probably also lies behind your thinking).
Yet research indicates that most children adapt to their new circumstances within a few years.

Having two parents successfully move forward with their lives teaches an invaluable lesson: that we deserve to be happy and to feel loved. Conversely, remaining in relationships that perpetuate anger, devaluation, and lack of positive interactions leaves an indelible scar on children. The good divorce — one in which parents focus on the wellbeing of the children — is becoming more commonplace and is certainly a goal.

Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children. Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues. Is this what we really wish for our children? It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

You deserve to be happy and be loved; you will receive neither with this man. And there is nothing whatsoever to stop him from being unfaithful yet again.

OP, I understand your need to pause and take time to think fully about what has come to light, however please do NOT believe anything he is saying about it.

You'll need to do your own deep delve into his phone/emails/private messaging etc to try to fully understand the true depth of his lies and deception.

Don't be 'mollified' by false claims of a 'sex addiction' etc, because it's just lies. A true 'sex addiction' isn't having sex with prostitutes 3 times in 5 years ffs 🙄, it's just an 'excuse' he's using to try to say 'I'm ill' or 'I can't help it' i.e take the 'blame' away from himself and place it somewhere else.

It's all too easy to grasp at this kind of 'excuse', because it's designed to explain 'why' he did it, but without him OR you ever accepting that he actually CHOSE to pay someone for sex ! It avoids accepting that he deliberately and intentionally went out of his way to obtain sex for money, with bugger all thought or consideration for either your or your DC. He simply wanted sex, so he paid for it.

Don't grasp at these fake straws to avoid or minimise the hurt (he couldn't help it ! 😤or 'He didn't mean to' 😤 ), or to 'explain' away the 'responsibility' he needs to take for his own actions, and the inevitable pain, distress and loss of trust his selfishness has caused.

Ideally, you need him to bugger off and live somewhere else until you've had time to think and plan what you intend to do.

LTB

Is there ever any moving on from this?

No.
He's a piece of shit.

Spend the month working out what your options are.

I'm not allowed to say what I actually want to say, so I won't.

My ex used prostitutes. I forgave him. Twice. Guess what happened?

@namechange4life why don't you answer some of the relevant questions eg how did you find out?

Next he will be telling you he was drugged by them/something was put in his drink. That's the other usual excuse.

You should definitely stay with him, live a lie, catch an STD or few, destroy your self-respect, and teach DC that this is normal and healthy.

Or do the other thing. Lawyer, therapist, work. Good luck x

why on earth would you want your children to grow up with a man who would do this? A man who disgusts and revolts you?

But you do understand that for someone like your H, forgiveness equates to permission, yes?

It won't be three times - but you know that deep down.
He is not a sex addict, just a sleeze - but you know that deep down

But the most important point is my first. If you stick your fingers in your ears and pretend you believe him, he will do it again. History tells us son.

Also - the implication from him that he might 'hurt himself' is just cowardly blackmail in the face of being caught. It's cruel and selfish - he can't even own it and give you permission to make your own mind up. Instead he has planted a fear inside of you that will skew your decision making. What. A. Cunt.

I am concerned for his safety

More than he was for yours. Male or female prostitutes?

Are you abroad in your home country? If not announcing a split now is not a good idea as you may be unable to leave without your child. At the moment if the country you live in is part of The Hague Convention, then your child is a resident of that country and the father can refuse permission to allow the child to leave the country. If you decide to divorce consider moving the whole family back to your country and establish your child's residency there.

Secondly, cheaters have a habit of only admitting what can be proven. Do not be surprised if the real figure is much higher and it's not just Bangkok.

If you decide to stay in the marriage then you are setting a terrible example to your child and you'll be making it easier for your h to cheat next time. Children whose parents stayed together for their sake almost always wish they hadn't. It's a terrible burden to know that you were responsible for your parents being stuck in an unhappy situation and the child feels guilty prioritising their wants and needs as a grown up because they feel that they should be a martyr too.

I imagine that you don't want your life to change. It is likely comfortable. However, if you stay there is a high chance he will carry on. If he travels for work, he has plenty of opportunity.

im so sorry OP. I think you’re right to take some time out to think about what you really want and whether you want to continue in your marriage.
this is so incredibly common. So many married men use/have used sex workers. It’s just whether or not the woman find out. Most men hide it and get away with it forever.
no judgement here from me OP. I would recommend some therapy/counselling so you can talk it through in a neutral way with no one else clouding your judgement. Sending a hand hold