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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being told you're letting yourself go

165 replies

rosiebertie · 16/03/2023 17:58

I love my SO. We've been together a year, both in our 30s. He is someone I really see a future with

Lately I can sense him pulling away and losing interest. We have good communication and talked about it. He was brutally honest - maybe too honest. The answer was basically - "I don't like the way you dress these days as it feels like you make no effort". Essentially he thought I had let myself go and he didn't feel passionate about me anymore

There is a part of me that is outraged - OBVIOUSLY he should love me for me. I feel loved by friends for things that have nothing to do with what I wear or how I look. I should be allowed to be myself

But the other part of me wonders if this is fair enough. He's right that I make less effort than I used to about being put together, but that's because I have been so busy and have no time. He is handsome and super polished and I know he's surrounded at work by beautiful women. Maybe I should be glad he was honest about how he felt, and we have a relationship where we can talk about this

I'm inclined to take this to heart - clear out the wardrobe and put in the work. If I have to wear a miniskirt to be with the love of my life, why not?

But is this a huge red flag I am missing?

Has anyone been in this position?

OP posts:
Choconut · 16/03/2023 19:10

If this is how he feels at 30 how is he going to feel about you at 60? I'd leave him to his polished females at work if I were you.

yentirb · 16/03/2023 19:14

If my DH said this to me now (after 7 years, fertility treatment, 2 small children and mid-nursing-degree, oh and 1.5 stone heavier) I'd be pissed off, I could probably agree I'm not the same but id still be pissed off. (I doubt he would say that anyway)

But after a year, I don't think that's remotely fair or appropriate to suggest.

Fifi0000 · 16/03/2023 19:18

Nope my DH prefers when I don't wear makeup , he doesn't care if I'm super polished. I couldn't be with a man like that OP what if you get ill etc?

xJoy · 16/03/2023 19:20

Eugh, how can you see a future with a man who says "you've let yrslf go".

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/03/2023 19:22

After one year?!?!

Tell him oi leave his keys behind before you slam the door on his arse.

Have a bit of self respect.

xJoy · 16/03/2023 19:25

DelphiniumBlue · 16/03/2023 18:19

He's lost interest in you. That won't return, whatever you do. Best to end it now, on your terms.

Concise summary here. 💐
I'd listen.

Clymene · 16/03/2023 19:25

He doesn't love you. He loves the way you look and is telling you that unless you keep up the grooming regime he deems acceptable, he may end the relationship.

He's abusive. You aren't a person, you're an asset as far as he's concerned.

Dump him. He'l destroy your self esteem and then he'll dump you for a woman 10 years younger b

Softsoftsleep · 16/03/2023 19:27

Many, many women get with their partners when they are all shiny and young and glam, and over time they have babies, gain weight, lose themselves in motherhood or general life, go through the menopause, get a middle aged spread, don't know how to dress for their shape, their hair changes texture or goes grey and their partners never comment!

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with trying to look nice and being presentable, even with one's SO in mind, but that comment after one year is problem. I never say LTB but I'd be very wary about going forward. This will only get worse.

CocaineBear · 16/03/2023 19:27

He can get in the bin.

Ridiculous man.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/03/2023 19:31

come on now everyone, let’s be real

my husband would not be as attracted to me if I decided I wasnt ever going to wear makeup again and I wouldn’t be attracted to him as much if he started wearing really shit clothes for example.

let’s not pretend that our attraction for our partners is unconditional …cos it isn’t

Watchkeys · 16/03/2023 19:33

my husband would not be as attracted to me if I decided I wasnt ever going to wear makeup again

I wouldn't stay in a relationship with such a demand on my appearance. Each to their own, don't assume all relationships are the same as yours, @LuckySantangelo35

LooseGoose22 · 16/03/2023 19:34

Clymene · 16/03/2023 19:25

He doesn't love you. He loves the way you look and is telling you that unless you keep up the grooming regime he deems acceptable, he may end the relationship.

He's abusive. You aren't a person, you're an asset as far as he's concerned.

Dump him. He'l destroy your self esteem and then he'll dump you for a woman 10 years younger b

I recognise this poster's username because they consistently speak sense and are on point; here is no exception.

If he doesn't feel deeply enough and have enough leeway in his love and attraction after a year to have some tolerance re presentation & grooming ..... He's not partner material. There will be things you can't control at times .... What's he going to do then.

He's shallow, superficial and extreme.

He sounds like Patrick fkg Bateman

Alstothemarvshien · 16/03/2023 19:34

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/03/2023 19:31

come on now everyone, let’s be real

my husband would not be as attracted to me if I decided I wasnt ever going to wear makeup again and I wouldn’t be attracted to him as much if he started wearing really shit clothes for example.

let’s not pretend that our attraction for our partners is unconditional …cos it isn’t

What happens when one of you gets seriously ill for example?

Turnipworkharder · 16/03/2023 19:35

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/03/2023 19:31

come on now everyone, let’s be real

my husband would not be as attracted to me if I decided I wasnt ever going to wear makeup again and I wouldn’t be attracted to him as much if he started wearing really shit clothes for example.

let’s not pretend that our attraction for our partners is unconditional …cos it isn’t

Got to disagree on this, my one hates made up faces.
As for clothes ?

putting on loads of weight and looking unkempt....yes I get that.

PlateBilledDuckyPerson · 16/03/2023 19:35

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/03/2023 19:31

come on now everyone, let’s be real

my husband would not be as attracted to me if I decided I wasnt ever going to wear makeup again and I wouldn’t be attracted to him as much if he started wearing really shit clothes for example.

let’s not pretend that our attraction for our partners is unconditional …cos it isn’t

Yours might not be - don't assume everyone's relationship works like yours. My husband and I didn't choose each other for our looks - because neither of us has ever been good looking or particularly well-dressed - my attraction to him isn't unconditional, but his appearance isn't one of the things it's conditional on.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/03/2023 19:36

Where do you imagine this going op?

So, for example, say you decide to wear a mini skirt etc for him. He likes you again. Marvellous.

Then what? Will you have to be constantly on your game for the rest of your life to keep him? Sounds like it. So, after you've given birth? What about when you're surviving on 2 hours sleep with a new born? What about when you're 70.

That's the reality of a future together.

parlourb · 16/03/2023 19:38

Choconut · 16/03/2023 19:10

If this is how he feels at 30 how is he going to feel about you at 60? I'd leave him to his polished females at work if I were you.

This! What about if you have a baby ? I really don't like the sound of this and the amount of pressure you're setting yourself up for if you continue this relationship op

arethereanyleftatall · 16/03/2023 19:38

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/03/2023 19:31

come on now everyone, let’s be real

my husband would not be as attracted to me if I decided I wasnt ever going to wear makeup again and I wouldn’t be attracted to him as much if he started wearing really shit clothes for example.

let’s not pretend that our attraction for our partners is unconditional …cos it isn’t

This is why we need to be ourselves from the beginning.

If you're the kind of person who has their hair and nails done even if you're single and not looking to date, then absolutely go on a date like that.

But, if you're not, don't set off like that.

I did it, I made the mistake of doing my nails on a few first dates. But, that's not me. So, now I don't, so they know who they're getting from the beginning. Be who you are from the beginning.

binnybonny · 16/03/2023 19:39

Urgh a year. Have you got dc? The pressure you'll feel if you eventually have them will be immense. I dress and look great most of the time, put a lot of effort in and get compliments all year round from all sorts but my dh sees me as I actually come m, deep in the depths of our home, a complete tracksuit wearing frizzy hair mess and has never mentioned it frizzy haired legs too
I'd feel horrified if I dated anyone that said what your OH said. You sound a little desperate for this relationship not to end which is sad. Personally I think this is a terrible red flag that is destined to catch you up one day in the form of guaranteed unhappiness.

Short term pain is better than long term pain. Let him go I say!

Wombats23 · 16/03/2023 19:39

Nope, never worn make-up, bit fat, ok, lot fat, DH still loves me. Team, innit!?

Had a boss once who told me if his wife got fat, he'd leave. Dude was 5ft 3...ok, he was a millionaire too but still, I just thought arsehole.

Don't put up with shit that makes you uncomfortable.

LooseGoose22 · 16/03/2023 19:41

An acquaintance of an acquaintance prioritised waxing, self tanning and a made up face for her labour .... Because her would be present for some of all of it and she couldn't be seen unwaxed, untanned, or not made up.. . Even in labour. That is the dynamic of their relationship! I was given to understand she couldn't not be like that in front of him and that wasnt something she'd decided all ok her own.

I have no idea what happened re her makeup if she sweated, cried etc. It's also rather ironic to be fixated on hairless tanned legs while your undercarriage is being subjected to significant trauma.

You have to wonder how any tears/stitching was received and how soon she felt under pressure to be having sex again.

It is so uncomfortable and stressful, even as an outsider, imagining never being able to relax or be natural or not be thinking about a groomed appearance at all times like that.

LooseGoose22 · 16/03/2023 19:42

Had a boss once who told me if his wife got fat, he'd leave. Dude was 5ft 3...ok, he was a millionaire

Wife ..... Starting point of 50% of assets .... No prenups legally enforceable in UK (?) ..... Maybe she wouldn't GAF. Maybe she's welcome it. Not many women want to shag 5ft 3 men.

Habreathmint · 16/03/2023 19:44

Everyone is jumping on the man here and calling him a twat...but what if it was the other way round?! Maybe she has let herself go a lot and he finds it off-putting. He's giving an honest opinion. Only the op knows if she does need to smarten up a bit. She should want to be making an effort and it would probably make her feel better too. I'm sure she wouldn't like it if he wasn't so polished. It's a sign of unhappiness.

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/03/2023 19:47

How is it going to go when you have kids?!

Honestly get rid.

Of course it’s nice to have a partner who makes an effort, but if he was pulling away from you emotionally because you weren’t a) he’s not that into you and b) he’s not life partner material.

Donnashair · 16/03/2023 19:48

Turnipworkharder · 16/03/2023 19:35

Got to disagree on this, my one hates made up faces.
As for clothes ?

putting on loads of weight and looking unkempt....yes I get that.

Show quote history

But that’s your husbands preference. No make up. That doesn’t actually mean he loves you more. It’s his preference because he ‘hates’ make up.

I don’t get the ‘what if you get sick/pregnant’ . Op is neither sick or pregnant. She made loads of effort in the early days to attract him. So it’s not surprising it attracted him and now the attraction is waning, now it’s not happening.

There threads here quite a lot about women whose husbands have always been clean shaven and now have beards and they no longer fancy them. Loads agree that’s reasonable. I am sure if those men were shaving less due to a health problem, their wives wouldn’t be as opposed to it.

Someone making less effort due to carrying a child or being sick and something they can’t control may get a very different response. If it’s out of her control, we have no idea how he would react.

The problem when we only try and show our best side, is that a new partner will think that’s who you are. When you relax and start doing things different, they may not like that. Dp saw me in all sorts of different levels of effort right from the start. I didn’t make an effort constantly to attract him. He either accepted I am a bit all or nothing or he didn’t.

and op said she would be likely to tell him the same if it was the other way round.

That said, if op is happy with how she looks and dresses she definitely shouldn’t go back to putting in loads of effort everyday that she doesn’t want to. That’s the most important thing.