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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Being told you're letting yourself go

165 replies

rosiebertie · 16/03/2023 17:58

I love my SO. We've been together a year, both in our 30s. He is someone I really see a future with

Lately I can sense him pulling away and losing interest. We have good communication and talked about it. He was brutally honest - maybe too honest. The answer was basically - "I don't like the way you dress these days as it feels like you make no effort". Essentially he thought I had let myself go and he didn't feel passionate about me anymore

There is a part of me that is outraged - OBVIOUSLY he should love me for me. I feel loved by friends for things that have nothing to do with what I wear or how I look. I should be allowed to be myself

But the other part of me wonders if this is fair enough. He's right that I make less effort than I used to about being put together, but that's because I have been so busy and have no time. He is handsome and super polished and I know he's surrounded at work by beautiful women. Maybe I should be glad he was honest about how he felt, and we have a relationship where we can talk about this

I'm inclined to take this to heart - clear out the wardrobe and put in the work. If I have to wear a miniskirt to be with the love of my life, why not?

But is this a huge red flag I am missing?

Has anyone been in this position?

OP posts:

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 17/03/2023 11:21

OP You did not mention he has cheated ! Ignore my post and dump him. He's not worth it

monsteramunch · 17/03/2023 12:04

But it is the same guy OP because your post in Feb said 'we managed to stay together and I feel like we are stronger'.

I understand it's not nice to be reminded of him cheating but it's the reality of the situation and is relevant to what's happening now.

Whatever you do I hope you're OK and don't waste too much of your time on a relationship where someone has cheated early on. It rarely works out.

discobrain · 17/03/2023 12:36

OP don't even TRY to please that arsehole and please get rid of him. You need to treat yourself with some self respect, and to do that the first thing you need to do, is DUMP HIM.

LooseGoose22 · 17/03/2023 12:46

*Good God mumsnet

On another thread I sympathised with someone who found out their partner had cheated and I said something similar happened to me once. Different relationship. It didn't work out in the end but it wasn't just because of the cheating*

"rosiebertie · 06/02/2023 18:40

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Something similar happened to me except they provided proof right away...

We managed to survive it and stay together, and I feel like we are actually stronger. But a big part of that was down to him confessing to all the details, discussing the cause of what happened, and him agreeing to see a therapist."

Peachtoiletpaper · 17/03/2023 14:06

OP i understand you might want opinions on this current issue viewed in isolation but if the post above is correct and you are actually still together then the infidelity is pertinent to advice given. It's not behind you.

Mom2K · 17/03/2023 15:58

I'd toss this one back. It will be impossible for him to maintain attraction for any woman beyond the initial dating period.

Of course you're going to put some effort into looking nice if you're going out on a date or heading to work or whatever but I suspect that most people prefer to dress more comfortably at home or when doing more casual, mundane things like running errands, getting groceries etc. If he can't find you attractive both ways than this is a him problem and I don't think it would be any different if he was with someone else. Heaven forbid what his attitude will be when someone has his babies and looking after little kids all the time. 😖

Ndd135632 · 17/03/2023 16:09

This is a tricky one. It’s very easy to say oh dump him. But how would you feel if it was the other way round.

My DH makes an effort. He is clean. Smells nice. Dresses nicely.

I also try and make a bit of an effort. Not all the time but I also feel better and more confident when I do.

I would honestly also be put off if he let himself go. So why do we make out it is unreasonable for him to say this?

LilyPark · 17/03/2023 19:26

rosiebertie · 17/03/2023 11:01

Good God mumsnet

I froze my eggs last year. For myself. I had already started the research when I met my SO and he was very supportive. Don't have a baby yet...

I've since called my mum and best friend and told them what he said. Both empathised but ended up pointing out it's true my appearance has changed. Mum even called me a slob...

I think this has all been a big wake-up call

Of course one option is to be indignant and insist that he should love me unconditionally and cling on to my sweatpants because "if he doesn't love me when I look like shit how will he love me when I'm 60". Etc

But isn't the more realistic position this - love and security is one thing. Passion, seduction, and attraction is another. You can love someone but still feel they don't excite you. A good relationship needs a mix of both

For everyone who is in a relationship/marriage where you need not put in effort and genuinely think your other half is still attracted to you, that's great. It sounds lucky (if true) and I applaud you.

I think it happens that my SO has a different preference. Yes it's shallow. But I dont think there is anything wrong with that - that's like saying having preferences and standards is wrong

Obviously that may not be all there is to this. It's possible this is much more sinister. It's possible that I will put in the effort and find it's not or never going to be enough. But I dont think that is a reason not to try

If your mum is calling you a slob, I would dump her too. Tell them both to F right off!

LilyPark · 17/03/2023 19:33

OP this is probably a harsh thing to say but if your mum is the sort of person who thinks that it is supportive and loving towards her daughter to call her a slob then I would question how many other insecurities she's given you leading you to apparently think this guy is somehow better than you and can call the shots.

Ndd135632 · 18/03/2023 01:21

LooseGoose22 · 17/03/2023 12:46

*Good God mumsnet

"rosiebertie · 06/02/2023 18:40

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Something similar happened to me except they provided proof right away...

Oh. Have just read this. That shines a completely different light on this whole thing. He cheated. He thinks you have let yourself go. Dump.

barmycatmum · 18/03/2023 05:54

It may take a while for it to sink in, but the words here in support of OP, urging her to value herself, will eventually be heard, I think.
with me, it took a while before I stopped having my head turned and making my ex’s word the law I lived by -

sometimes it just takes a little time. And the last straw happens, and then all the advice is there for the leaning on.

💐

mumofboys8787 · 18/03/2023 06:20

With respect OP - why are you lying?

On 06/02/2023 you posted this about your partner who had cheated on you

We managed to survive it and stay together, and I feel like we are actually stronger.

So it clearly is the same relationship. It’s disingenuous to come on a forum and ask for advice about a topic like this when you’re leaving out a KEY component. The fact that he has cheated on you already changes everything.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 18/03/2023 07:23

You seem quite happily on the back foot with this guy, OP, you seem happy to believe he’s better than you and that you need to perform a display for him to keep him happy. You’ve even accepted him putting your physical appearance down as somehow useful and eye opening.

None of that is how it should be, but you’ll learn that, in time.

Seaoftroubles · 18/03/2023 07:48

What on earth is the point of this post O.P if he has already cheated ? Obviously you would then have received different advice.

WimpoleHat · 18/03/2023 07:59

This is tricky and a bit hurtful but the thing here is that you have changed not him. Everybody to some extent is on their best behaviour at the start of a relationship and then relaxes into themselves a bit.

I think @NonYogiBear had it right earlier. And it sounds like that you’ve now relaxed into yourself and are finding that it’s maybe not as good a match as you might have hoped. All I will say is that if you’re getting into “letting yourself go” territory after a year, then I would give some thought to how things will go long term - what about when you’ve had a baby, get older etc? Is this likely to become a massive bone of contention and just make you miserable?

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