Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being told you're letting yourself go

165 replies

rosiebertie · 16/03/2023 17:58

I love my SO. We've been together a year, both in our 30s. He is someone I really see a future with

Lately I can sense him pulling away and losing interest. We have good communication and talked about it. He was brutally honest - maybe too honest. The answer was basically - "I don't like the way you dress these days as it feels like you make no effort". Essentially he thought I had let myself go and he didn't feel passionate about me anymore

There is a part of me that is outraged - OBVIOUSLY he should love me for me. I feel loved by friends for things that have nothing to do with what I wear or how I look. I should be allowed to be myself

But the other part of me wonders if this is fair enough. He's right that I make less effort than I used to about being put together, but that's because I have been so busy and have no time. He is handsome and super polished and I know he's surrounded at work by beautiful women. Maybe I should be glad he was honest about how he felt, and we have a relationship where we can talk about this

I'm inclined to take this to heart - clear out the wardrobe and put in the work. If I have to wear a miniskirt to be with the love of my life, why not?

But is this a huge red flag I am missing?

Has anyone been in this position?

OP posts:
kissthegirlshesnotbehindthedoor · 16/03/2023 21:35

Gosh, you've had a rollercoaster for a fledgling year long relationship: been deathly sick, frozen your eggs (and presumably had fertility treatment?), had someone message you about his supposed cheating, 'let yourself go' within a year of dating. This is an awful lot to happen in a year.

I'd dump him. I think time to knock this one on the head?

Phoebesgift · 16/03/2023 21:38

What level of "letting yourself go" are we talking about OP? It seems just that you dress more casually? This man is hurtful and shallow. Please dump him. You'll thank yourself later when you meet a real man who wants more than a glowing accessory on his arm. I feel bad for you as you're talking yourself into seeing his comments as actually your fault.

allyjay · 16/03/2023 21:40

Christ what? He's cheated as well now? Nah fuck that. All this for a year long relationship?

Phoebesgift · 16/03/2023 21:43

If he's cheated as well in your 1 YEAR relationship, what the hell are you doing still with him???
WTF!!! Stop being a mug and get rid.

letthatmango · 16/03/2023 21:51

And a cheat as well.

Seriously OP, stop with the excuse making. This man is a nasty piece of work.

LooseGoose22 · 16/03/2023 21:58

MsDogLady · 16/03/2023 21:22

Rosie, you’ve previously referenced his infidelity. Someone made contact and sent you proof. Apparently he did confess all and had therapy.

Was he similarly distant and withdrawn before you learned the truth?

After only a year, he has abused your trust, been unfaithful, and distanced himself because you wear casual clothing. You’re now concerned that your outfit won’t rate highly enough.

In your shoes, I would walk away.

Op, with kindness, if he's cheated on you in the first year of a relationship.... Let alone this; he is not a keeper.

This alone made me think you should gtfo of there.... But that he's a fkg cheater!!!! I mean ....

I watch a relationship coach on YouTube who's catch phrase to men in similar positions is "Oh come on, man!"..... That's what I'm thinking here.

He's already cheated in such a young relationship, he's telling you he's lost attraction and blaming your presentation.... I predict it ain't matter if you change your presentation and become glam Barbie; he's either a cheater full stop or he's not happy/settled/satisfied with you. Either way ... Time to get out.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 16/03/2023 21:59

This is not a good, loyal and loving man, this is a selfish, shallow twat whose ‘love’ is totally conditional on how you look.

That is fucked.

LooseGoose22 · 16/03/2023 22:00

I love my SO. We've been together a year, both in our 30s. He is someone I really see a future with

Why??

He cheated on you and you had to hear it from a third party.

Love people who love you.

ramanw · 16/03/2023 22:03

Eek! I think for him to say this after a year is really weird.

There's never a good time to hear that but say you'd been together 10 years and had a couple of kids and actually had let yourself go, then it might give you the boost you need to sort yourself out again.

But a year...that is a red flag yes.

Leopardlives · 16/03/2023 22:03

‘you’ve really let yourself go’ should be a
compliment, actually, shouldn’t it

LooseGoose22 · 16/03/2023 22:10

Lately I can sense him pulling away and losing interest. We have good communication and talked about it. He was brutally honest - maybe too honest. The answer was basically - "I don't like the way you dress these days as it feels like you make no effort". Essentially he thought I had let myself go and he didn't feel passionate about me anymore

Ok, now I know he's cheated on you, I suspect he's involved with someone else again to some extent. You've challenged him as such and rather than saying "I'm cheating again/I'm working up to cheating again" he's seized on the first excuse he could think of ... That's he's distant and disengaged because you're not making enough effort on your appearance. You must be a very good person indeed for him to have such a lack of other things to seize upon, he's only been left with accusing you of dressing up/glamming up enough. It also theirs the spotlight nicely back on you; it's your fault, it's your failing, the onus is in you to make a change and make an effort. Good way to keep the spotlight off what he's doing.

I think it's an excuse and red herring. I think he's probably fucking around again. Meanwhile yes got you worrying about how you're dressing and whether he'll approve of your outfit.

He's got a nasty streak to to seize on something like that. He's happy to make you feel bad, criticism you, make you feel not enough.

This is a deeply unhealthy "relationship", I thought so before that poster very helpfully mentioned the cheating; a hundreds times more now.

LooseGoose22 · 16/03/2023 22:11

*he's only been left with accusing you of not dressing up/glamming up enough. It also throws the spotlight nicely back on you

LooseGoose22 · 16/03/2023 22:20

frozen your eggs (and presumably had fertility treatment?)

The first year of a relationship would be way too soon to try to conceive with anyone, but this guy ..... Have kids with him and you'll condemn yourself to a life of misery for as long as the relationship lasts.

He's a flaky, cheating, hyper critical fucker in the first year of a relationship; Ltrs and marriages, esp. with kids, require massive levels of tolerance, kindness, bonding, realism etc. He is a shit poor candidate.

bamboonights · 16/03/2023 22:35

Donnashair · 16/03/2023 18:14

This is always a difficult one. I have adhd and am either all or nothing. For months I will be put together, then not. I usually, end up putting more effort in when I realise I don't like what I see in the mirror. I know what it feels like to have 'let yourself go'.

In theory, it shouldn't matter. We are told that if someone truly loves us, it doesn't matter how we look. But attraction, inside a relationship does matter. People have preferences. And it's not always something you can simply ignore. Yes some people still fancy their partner if they put on weight, don't make an effort etc. But that's luck. Not that they love someone more.

We can argue that men are conditioned to see women a certain way and anything different as not attractive. It might be true, but doesn't change the problem. He still has his preferences. Which is one of the things that attracted him to you in the first place.

We also often like people who share the same values as us. If he feels putting an effort into appearance is important, it will be something he is attracted to in their partner. If he feels you putting effort in to your appearance, is a projection of your feelings towards him it will damage the relationship.

Relationships don't do well long term if one is not longer the preference of the other and attraction goes.

Wether you should change is different. Are you happy with the level of effort and your appearance. If so, then you shouldn't change it. Being happy with yourself is worth far more than a relationship with anyone. If you are unhappy with your appearance then maybe there's a compromise. I have no idea what he is expecting of you so don't know if there is a compromise.

You can't compare your relationship with your partner to your friendships. Your friendships don't need you to fancy each other. Sexual attraction shouldn't be a significant part of friendships. So looks are less important

The most common sense, logical response. Agree with you wholeheartedly.

Peachtoiletpaper · 16/03/2023 22:39

He's cheated and is now putting down your appearance and blaming this for his attention lapsing? Oh no way. No. This isn't going to somehow magically fix itself. Get out while you've only invested a year especially if you're in your 30s and want children.

MsDogLady · 16/03/2023 22:49

I agree with you, @LooseGoose22.

Common elements of the cheater’s script are withdrawal and criticism to
justify and make room for their new investment, and to destabilize and shift the blame to the betrayed party.

@rosiebertie, this guy who has form for infidelity is distancing and negging. You’re now on the back foot. In my view, he is likely pursuing illicit validation outside the relationship…once again.

WidthofaLine · 16/03/2023 23:10

Yup, I would say he is a serial cheat.

You'll get used to the pattern, if you stay with him'

Please get away from him, he will never make you happy, these men only bring heartache.

Wombats23 · 16/03/2023 23:32

Summerfun54321 · 16/03/2023 21:01

Thank god I married a scruff bag like me.

Ditto. 😊

Wombats23 · 16/03/2023 23:37

LooseGoose22 · 16/03/2023 19:42

Had a boss once who told me if his wife got fat, he'd leave. Dude was 5ft 3...ok, he was a millionaire

Wife ..... Starting point of 50% of assets .... No prenups legally enforceable in UK (?) ..... Maybe she wouldn't GAF. Maybe she's welcome it. Not many women want to shag 5ft 3 men.

Actually she really loved him. Had been with him for years & years, well before he got wealthy. Nice woman.

He had a right complex about his height tho.

labamba007 · 16/03/2023 23:50

You will have many periods in your life when you don't feel like getting 'made up.' To come you may have illness, loss, pregnancy, stress, feeling happy lazy days. I cannot imagine going through the ups and downs of life feeling the pressure to look a certain way for my husband. I like to look nice, when I choose to. I also like to wear pjs and hair in a bun when I choose to. My husband never treats me any different whatever I choose to do, and it is the same with him.

celerysticks · 17/03/2023 00:06

Stepping back. Is it so wrong that sometimes women do and change things to make our men happy?

Yes, if you're not being true to yourself. I can't imagine spending time stressing about what my OH thought of my outfit, if he'd find me attractive etc. What a bore.

FloydPepper · 17/03/2023 00:09

This is mumsnet. The majority of replies will criticise him for being shallow and superficial, and tell you you should leave him.

however women with husbands who stop making an effort are sympathised with, told to tell him to sort it out or they’ll leave him.

so I think it’s hard to hear from a partner, but it’s honest, and I think I’d be stung by it but understand how they are feeling, and probably get back to making an effort, as much for me as for them

FloydPepper · 17/03/2023 00:12

That said, I still think that’s what I’d say generally, however having read the rest of the thread, in your case there’s much more going on. I think the consensus is right here…

Robin233 · 17/03/2023 00:51

@Donnashair
Very articulate and eloquent post.
Totally agree.

LadyJ2023 · 17/03/2023 01:16

A year and he says this...get rid and find your worth...dont become someone your not really just to keep him