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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being told you're letting yourself go

165 replies

rosiebertie · 16/03/2023 17:58

I love my SO. We've been together a year, both in our 30s. He is someone I really see a future with

Lately I can sense him pulling away and losing interest. We have good communication and talked about it. He was brutally honest - maybe too honest. The answer was basically - "I don't like the way you dress these days as it feels like you make no effort". Essentially he thought I had let myself go and he didn't feel passionate about me anymore

There is a part of me that is outraged - OBVIOUSLY he should love me for me. I feel loved by friends for things that have nothing to do with what I wear or how I look. I should be allowed to be myself

But the other part of me wonders if this is fair enough. He's right that I make less effort than I used to about being put together, but that's because I have been so busy and have no time. He is handsome and super polished and I know he's surrounded at work by beautiful women. Maybe I should be glad he was honest about how he felt, and we have a relationship where we can talk about this

I'm inclined to take this to heart - clear out the wardrobe and put in the work. If I have to wear a miniskirt to be with the love of my life, why not?

But is this a huge red flag I am missing?

Has anyone been in this position?

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 16/03/2023 19:51

Donnashair · 16/03/2023 19:48

But that’s your husbands preference. No make up. That doesn’t actually mean he loves you more. It’s his preference because he ‘hates’ make up.

I don’t get the ‘what if you get sick/pregnant’ . Op is neither sick or pregnant. She made loads of effort in the early days to attract him. So it’s not surprising it attracted him and now the attraction is waning, now it’s not happening.

There threads here quite a lot about women whose husbands have always been clean shaven and now have beards and they no longer fancy them. Loads agree that’s reasonable. I am sure if those men were shaving less due to a health problem, their wives wouldn’t be as opposed to it.

Someone making less effort due to carrying a child or being sick and something they can’t control may get a very different response. If it’s out of her control, we have no idea how he would react.

The problem when we only try and show our best side, is that a new partner will think that’s who you are. When you relax and start doing things different, they may not like that. Dp saw me in all sorts of different levels of effort right from the start. I didn’t make an effort constantly to attract him. He either accepted I am a bit all or nothing or he didn’t.

and op said she would be likely to tell him the same if it was the other way round.

That said, if op is happy with how she looks and dresses she definitely shouldn’t go back to putting in loads of effort everyday that she doesn’t want to. That’s the most important thing.

Show quote history

Totally agree

TheMatriarchy · 16/03/2023 19:55

There is no coming back from this. You will always be on the back foot with this person and that is no way to live even if it does continue. You need to let him go, not yourself.

Rinkydinkydoodle · 16/03/2023 19:57

Would he love you if you were a worm OP🤣

If your packaging is so important to his interest in you as a partner, that indicates he’s maybe not absolutely enthralled by the deeper, more vital stuff about you. Not to be rude about the man of your life, but that comes across as a bit shallow and he’s been frank, he loves with his eyes, apparently.

One year in is just the beginning of really knowing someone, your lil hearts sing at the thought of one another etc (two and a half years is reputed to be the ‘honeymoon’ period). I can see the value of honesty, but the pulling away is concerning. Life can take a toll, love is not love which alters when it alteration finds etc. If you make a life together there will come a day when your outward appearance will inevitably and irrevocably alter (as will his) and what will he make of that? If his interest is contingent on you being all dolled up, then maybe you’re just that, a pleasing decorative object. I’d be looking for someone who valued me for my essential being, tbh.

Xrays · 16/03/2023 20:01

I can’t believe he’s said this a year in! I mean it’s never acceptable to say it but a year in he should be on best behaviour, it really should be the honeymoon phase of your relationship.

I’ve been with dh 15 years and we’ve both changed. More weight, less effort, we’re both sitting here in fluffy dressing gowns in our pjs, watching Tv etc. We have been through so much together, chronic disabilities and deaths in the family, disabled dc etc. All sorts. That’s what life does to you. Anyone who ever said anything about letting yourself go clearly doesn’t have any life experience at all. How embarrassing for them.

HaggisBurger · 16/03/2023 20:04

Spectre8 · 16/03/2023 18:25

This is the most sensible response here! 👏 👏 👏

Show quote history

Agreed.

it’s not quite as simple as “red flag dump him”. Im about 20 months into a new relationship. I still make an effort to look nice both for myself mainly - but also for my partner. He does the same. Not all the time but it is important to us. Sounds like it is to him.

It shows thought and effort when we go out with each other.

Whyisitsososohard · 16/03/2023 20:04

Huge red flag! Sorry!

He's negging and laying the ground for further negative comments which make you feel like shit and make you enthralled to him. After a year you should be head over heals into each other not pulling away.

You said if you have to wear a mini skirt to be with the love of your life so be it. He's absolutely bit the live of your life if you have to wear a mini skirt. Throw this one back. You deserve better.

Original poster
rosiebertie · 16/03/2023 20:05

Donnashair · 16/03/2023 19:48

But that’s your husbands preference. No make up. That doesn’t actually mean he loves you more. It’s his preference because he ‘hates’ make up.

I don’t get the ‘what if you get sick/pregnant’ . Op is neither sick or pregnant. She made loads of effort in the early days to attract him. So it’s not surprising it attracted him and now the attraction is waning, now it’s not happening.

There threads here quite a lot about women whose husbands have always been clean shaven and now have beards and they no longer fancy them. Loads agree that’s reasonable. I am sure if those men were shaving less due to a health problem, their wives wouldn’t be as opposed to it.

Someone making less effort due to carrying a child or being sick and something they can’t control may get a very different response. If it’s out of her control, we have no idea how he would react.

The problem when we only try and show our best side, is that a new partner will think that’s who you are. When you relax and start doing things different, they may not like that. Dp saw me in all sorts of different levels of effort right from the start. I didn’t make an effort constantly to attract him. He either accepted I am a bit all or nothing or he didn’t.

and op said she would be likely to tell him the same if it was the other way round.

That said, if op is happy with how she looks and dresses she definitely shouldn’t go back to putting in loads of effort everyday that she doesn’t want to. That’s the most important thing.

Show quote history

You're exactly right (again).

I can't tell you how helpful/cathartic reading this tread it.

For what it's worth, in the 24 hours or so I've been thinking about this I feel like I am rediscovering my love for fashion. I don't yet know whether I want to change, but I suspect I do and I will my own sake, and if one result is that we get the spark back maybe that is a bonus.

I don't think the sick/pregnant/old point comes in here. In the year we've been together I have been deathly sick and I froze my eggs, and he was with me every (sweaty/unkempt) step of the way. He's not a monster.

Stepping back. Is it so wrong that sometimes women do and change things to make our men happy? We are not talking about a lobotomy or a fundamental compromise of value here (although plenty of people convert religion for love). It's just clothes. And I'm not so wedded to my sweatpants that I can't get rid of them if my SO hates them - I'm a whole person and I'm about more than my clothes.

Obviously it's not nice to hear but I also wonder if he deserves some credit for being honest. He could have just left and avoided this whole extremely awkward fiasco.

With that said, am about to meet him for dinner and I am a little stressed about whether he will like my outfit 😬

OP posts:
SuperfastJellyfish · 16/03/2023 20:09

That would be a massive red flag for me. You can't maintain the standards that you do early on in a relationship when you always want to look your best. I wouldn't have imagined the states I would let my husband see me in back when we first met 😂

Watchkeys · 16/03/2023 20:12

I think that if a partner doesn't want to see you at ease, then they're not the right partner for you.

Threeboysandadog · 16/03/2023 20:20

It’s not my wardrobe I’d be clearing out!

MaidOfSteel · 16/03/2023 20:29

So, you're already stressed that he might not approve of your outfit. Speaks volumes.

His love seems to be conditional. Dress however you want, but you can do better in the partner stakes.

sendbackaletterfromamerica · 16/03/2023 20:30

You can't sustain a change that's not really you. I don't think this will work out.

Bearpawk · 16/03/2023 20:31

You shouldn't have to 'put in work' to be his type. I'd move on, it's not like you've put on 20 stone and aged 10 years Ffs.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/03/2023 20:35

Also just cos your partner prefers you without makeup rather than with… so what?!

it doesn’t mean that their love is somehow deeper or more virtuous than the man who prefers his partner with makeup on.

it’s just personal preference

azafata2 · 16/03/2023 20:37

Hi. Is he perfect? What does he wear? Does he smell? Fart? I had a partner many years ago. I was 29/30. He took me to his office one day in the evening ,after I had worked all day and did not want to go. He said he needed to pick up some papers. So he told me to stay in a room and not come out. I went to look for the toilet and someone saw me. Apparently this guy who had seen me went and told the rest of the "male sales team" he would like to F me. Partner went mad and said it was the way I was "standing"? Shallow, shallow shallow. Needless to say I told him to F off. Then this is really strange 27 years later he found my email address through work and said he was always thinks of me and how sorry he was I was really beautiful and he was always jealous. He was really immature etc. The only thing is I met a gorgeous Spanish guy and we have been together for 25 years. Tell him to do one.

AllOfThemWitches · 16/03/2023 20:39

Nah, fuck being in a relationship in which you feel constant pressure to look your best. My partner's comfortable around me, he's maybe changed in appearance somewhat since I met him but my attraction goes much deeper than how he looks.

Summerfun54321 · 16/03/2023 21:01

Thank god I married a scruff bag like me.

whistledowntheway · 16/03/2023 21:04

LooseGoose22 · 16/03/2023 18:27

Shallow Hal wants a gal.

He sounds very superficial.

If he gets turned off by and loses attraction that easily, I fucking dread to think what would happen if/when you have kids (presuming you'd like to) ..... It is a real old fun time of trying to avoid stretch marks, getting puffy, recovering from birth (and often birth injuries), possible caesarian scar, body returning to some form of normal, trying to breast feed (if you choose to) and the fact boobs deflate til quite a while after when the fat migrates back into them (or whatever technically happens), sleep deprivation, trying to put yourself together with a baby/toddler demanding your time and attention constantly, then giving you virus after virus etc.

What if you suffered ill health?

He sounds like he wants a dolly.

That is not life.

Or if it is life ..... Not many ppl want to live like those women live. What about when you age? Will he accept a polished, botoxed, immaculate 40, 50 etc woman it will he dump you at 40 for a younger model? Will he accept your menopausal and post menopausal looks or, again, are you out in your ear?

Not many men give such clear signals if how superficial they are a year in. Maybe you should take that warning gladly and gtfo of Dodge.

This!

binnybonny · 16/03/2023 21:06

@Donnashair I mentioned what about when you have dc blah blah because if your OH expects you to maintain higher standards a year in and is rude enough to be as forthcoming as OPs dp I'd say you're heading for failure in the long term because it's not realistic to maintain oneself constantly (unless that's something you're really into)

Justalittlebitduckling · 16/03/2023 21:15

You can’t sustain the level of effort you put in on dates at the beginning of the relationship for a long term relationship. Sure, you can dress up and go on dates but not every day. This guy is not a keeper. If you’re together long term, you will be there for each other through DV bugs, all kinds of illnesses, and if you have a family together the amount of body fluids and scruffy clothes he will have to put up with is unreal. This guy wants a romantic date, not a long term partner.

Donnashair · 16/03/2023 21:15

binnybonny · 16/03/2023 21:06

@Donnashair I mentioned what about when you have dc blah blah because if your OH expects you to maintain higher standards a year in and is rude enough to be as forthcoming as OPs dp I'd say you're heading for failure in the long term because it's not realistic to maintain oneself constantly (unless that's something you're really into)

Exactly. She may have given him the impression that she was really into that. Like he is.

But as I said, he may react differently when life is different and it’s not a choice. Which op actually confirmed.

Peachtoiletpaper · 16/03/2023 21:19

Sorry but I don't like the sound of this, not after a year. I don't believe you've changed that much beyond not putting your best, early dates, face forward as often. He's not saying you've turned up looking scruffy a few times, or smelling. He's saying he doubts the substance of your current and potential future relationship unless you're fully dressed up most of the time. I know you're not currently sick or pregnant, and I accept he's not a monster but this doesn't sound like a man who is smitten. After a year, you want someone to be smitten.

I'm not sure why he's seen to it that you know he's previously been out with models but now is past the phase of, what, being looks obsessed? To me it sounds like quite subtle negging and comparison- model exes, glam ladies at work.

I'm not expressing this well. I know attraction is important and I have let someone know that his presentation was what was putting me off. Also I would be less turned on by sloppy tracksuits all the time and would say something if my DP started with these. I dunno though. He sounds a bit off to me. How did dinner go?

Lotsofthingstoconsider · 16/03/2023 21:21

D*onnashair
You are an actual relationship guru. It is hugely unpopular on here to consider that a man's opinion has any bearing on a relationship. However , as with all thing's compromise is the secret - as long as that compromise is one that suits you too.

Not every male opinion is abuse or a red flag. Sometimes there is a kernel of truth there.*

MsDogLady · 16/03/2023 21:22

Rosie, you’ve previously referenced his infidelity. Someone made contact and sent you proof. Apparently he did confess all and had therapy.

Was he similarly distant and withdrawn before you learned the truth?

After only a year, he has abused your trust, been unfaithful, and distanced himself because you wear casual clothing. You’re now concerned that your outfit won’t rate highly enough.

In your shoes, I would walk away.

Cas112 · 16/03/2023 21:28

What if you have kids and what not.. let me tell you, your image will be the last thing you will think about. What happens to your relationship then?

He shouldn't be saying this especially just after a year.. you will get tired keeping up the facade