Being told you're letting yourself go

[rosiebertie]

I love my SO. We've been together a year, both in our 30s. He is someone I really see a future with

Lately I can sense him pulling away and losing interest. We have good communication and talked about it. He was brutally honest - maybe too honest. The answer was basically - "I don't like the way you dress these days as it feels like you make no effort". Essentially he thought I had let myself go and he didn't feel passionate about me anymore

There is a part of me that is outraged - OBVIOUSLY he should love me for me. I feel loved by friends for things that have nothing to do with what I wear or how I look. I should be allowed to be myself

But the other part of me wonders if this is fair enough. He's right that I make less effort than I used to about being put together, but that's because I have been so busy and have no time. He is handsome and super polished and I know he's surrounded at work by beautiful women. Maybe I should be glad he was honest about how he felt, and we have a relationship where we can talk about this

I'm inclined to take this to heart - clear out the wardrobe and put in the work. If I have to wear a miniskirt to be with the love of my life, why not?

But is this a huge red flag I am missing?

Has anyone been in this position?

Stepping back. Is it so wrong that sometimes women do and change things to make our men happy?

Our men.

If they are indeed, our men - maybe (it would need to be two way though).

But for someone who's cheated on you once in a year long relationship, and is looking like he's at something again (and hitting you with this cheater script stuff when challenged/questioned) I wouldn't really term him as "your man". I don't think he's anywhere near faithful enough to be "your man".

Nor is he nice enough to be anyone's man really.

I don't believe its the (full) truth now ..... It's a script with perhaps a little bit of truth designed to;

• Justify how he's behaving to himself - "she's let herself go a bit, she doesn't make an effort, I'm surrounded by beautiful women who make loads of effort, what does she expect, it's no surprise I'm looking elsewhere, I'm sorry if justified really.

(What were his excuses for cheating on you before incidentally? Was that during your period of maximum grooming and glamour or was that factor blamed for that too?)

• Get you to back off

• Get you focusing on yourself, put you on the back foot, look inward, make effort, be obedient and submissive etc. instead of looking where he doesn't want you looking/suspecting any other reasons for his disengagement and distance, getting a bit too assertive/strident etc.

Has OP posted about him before? I was going to chime in but if he’s been cheating then obviously it’s a bit different.

*I'm sort of justified really.

This poster recognises the op or has done a search of previous threads.

Thank you for quoting that, I’d missed it.

If he’s a cheating POS then obviously LTB. I don’t think there’s an issue if, say, a person is fit or stylish or whatever and wants their partner to be the same. I’m that way myself. Cheating has nothing to do with that though and if that’s what he’s done then he can get in the bin where he belongs.

I'm on the fence on this one coz I'm not sure exactly what he's saying. If he's saying you've got greasy hair with inch roots, you've put on half a stone and you're always slobbing around in you holey leggings and your stained comfy T shirt then he's got a point. That's 'let yourself go'
If on the other hand he horrified because he seeing you without your make up on, or your not wearing the sexy red push up bra and matching thong that you wore for your first weekend away...then he's unreasonable. Waxed pussy, fake tan, nails, heels, matching undies, selected dress, is 'making an effort'. I don't think it's reasonable to keep those things up....but its nice for you BOTH to do them regularly. ....thecrestvof the time it's fine to be au natural in you're leggings or jeans curled up on sofa with you fluffy slippers. If that normality concerns him you're not the woman for him and he's gonna struggle. Worth reminding him that the attention he gave you when you chatted for 2 hours on your dinner date was a extremely attractive.
Dig deeper....what EXACTLY does he mean!

The op described them as surviving his infidelity and being stronger (she was contacted by a third party with proof) .... But is feeling "Lately I can sense him pulling away and losing interest" a month later.

There's a lot more to this than different grooming standards.

(A month after stating that, I mean; it's not clear when he was unfaithful or when op was informed).

I think the important thing is which way you want to swing. Last year you liked dressing up, this year you don't.

I could never commit to doing myself all the time, because I am a born slob, whereas my dd is the opposite and loves to spend hours putting on makeup.

Ugh he sounds tedious, a lot of work, and exhausting.
I cannot stand men who are caught up in image- I feel it is a terrible red flag.
One year in? Horrific.
but you do you, boo. Good luck

@rosiebertie
You've only been together a year & he's cheated on you already?
You do not do that to someone you care about. There is no excuse.

And now he's acting all distant & saying it's your fault because you are not running around looking like Barbie on acid?
And then he dangles the little supposed carrot saying "I'm only telling you this because I love you as otherwise I'd just leave"

Actually that's a great big stick disguised as a carrot as he's had his head turned & is weighing up his options - you or potential ow.

You are worth far more this. You deserve much better than him as he's just a misogynistic twat who's trying to control you.

Sorry this sounds harsh & I feel bad if what I've said has been upsetting.
But you do deserve someone who respects you & loves you & it sounds like he doesn't really do either.

my ex did this. I had to wear false lashes, heels (he preferred me "taller"), and I talked, like OP does, about "is it so wrong to please my man?"

and meanwhile, he began to withhold any hint of appreciation, compliments, kindness... it was part of the love-bombing/devaluing/discarding/hoovering cycle, I just didn't see it.

before our wedding day, I remember trying out wedding makeup and crying, panicking that he might see me come down the aisle having done my best, and I might see a look of ... disappointment or impatience on his face.

NOT normal. Not healthy.

OP, do NOT waste any more of your time with a man who reflects back to you that you aren't up to his fucked up standards.

My feet are only now (three years later) healing; I was in agonizing pain having worn high heels for FAR too long, helping him with jobs, standing for hours upon end. I am SO grateful to be free of the never-ending hoops I had to jump through to try to please this complete, controlling bastard, who turned out, by the way, to be a bona fide con artist, making his money by lying to people about crypto.

I could go on- the negging only gets worse. The triangulation will begin, if it hasn't already, with him mentioning he "used to date models." who would tell their partner that, unless they wanted to plant a small seed of insecurity?

who would tell the person they loved that they worked with very attractive women?

this man is a whole PARADE of red flags.

@barmycatmum im so sorry you went through that but you got it in one with this situation.

If he were saying...'effort' 6 or 7 years into the relationship and never mentioned it before. Never mentioned models. Or very attractive co workers. Then maybe you could concede on it.

But its a year in. Cheating. Mentioning the Co workers. The models. You need to 'scrub up'. This is how emotional abuse begins....each isolated incident can be explained away. 'Well he did date models so....why can he not say so?' ,' I guess I haven't put in as much effort, so maybe he has a point'. The isolated incidents only become apparent as a pattern over a long period. And by then you've transformed yourself into a hamstrung puppet.

And he said he'd leave her if she got "fat".

Poor woman.

(Thought at least she might get a decent divorced settlement).

After a year? I'd tell him bye. If it wasn't this, it'd be something else. Find someobe who isn't so shallow.

God I’ve just read your other thread. So you’ve been together a year, already have a child with him, he’s cheated on you and was furious with you for finding out. He has a temper t seems and that wasn’t the first time he’d screamed at you and now he wants you to prioritise performing femininity for him. What a fucking prize he is 🙄

So op fell pregnant by a man she'd been seeing for 3 months or less? There's not much chance of knowing someone remotely well in that sort of time period. And he's cheated within that year of pregnancy and new baby?

It sounds like trying to make a relationship stick due to an early pregnancy was a mistake,; since he couldn't even remain faithful to pregnant partner/new born child's mother in the first year of their relationship ...who had to find out about that from other people.

And now he's distant, disengaged and complaint op is not glamorous etc enough and she's under pressure to be very groomed and dresses up with a young baby.

This man should not be in a relationship with you op. He is not truly committed or enthusiastic.

And you should not be in a relationship with him, due to his lack of integrity, lack of commitment.

This is what people call "trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear" (both the situation and the man).
It generally drags on with the woman being treated utterly shittily and having her happiness constantly tainted and MH and self esteem affected until it breaks down completely.

*complaining

I don't think he wants to be there; he's perhaps putting on a front because he thinks he'll look like a right bastard "abandoning" his child's mother but he sounds like he doesn't want to be there ..... Involving himself with other people, now distant & disengaged again, and making excuses about your appearance/presentation. That shit wouldn't really matter much if you fancied and wanted to be with someone.

So it's all on him because you asked a question and did not like the answer? Even though you agreed with his answer ??

Come on. Mumsnet is getting so boring these days

Good God mumsnet

On another thread I sympathised with someone who found out their partner had cheated and I said something similar happened to me once. Different relationship. It didn't work out in the end but it wasn't just because of the cheating

I froze my eggs last year. For myself. I had already started the research when I met my SO and he was very supportive. Don't have a baby yet...

I've since called my mum and best friend and told them what he said. Both empathised but ended up pointing out it's true my appearance has changed. Mum even called me a slob...

I think this has all been a big wake-up call

Of course one option is to be indignant and insist that he should love me unconditionally and cling on to my sweatpants because "if he doesn't love me when I look like shit how will he love me when I'm 60". Etc

But isn't the more realistic position this - love and security is one thing. Passion, seduction, and attraction is another. You can love someone but still feel they don't excite you. A good relationship needs a mix of both

For everyone who is in a relationship/marriage where you need not put in effort and genuinely think your other half is still attracted to you, that's great. It sounds lucky (if true) and I applaud you.

I think it happens that my SO has a different preference. Yes it's shallow. But I dont think there is anything wrong with that - that's like saying having preferences and standards is wrong

Obviously that may not be all there is to this. It's possible this is much more sinister. It's possible that I will put in the effort and find it's not or never going to be enough. But I dont think that is a reason not to try

Mate, don’t have a baby with this man. He sounds like a right superficial dickhead.

It’s not just your body changing through pregnancy, it’s the aftermath of where frankly, your priorities change/financial situation changes and most days you probably won’t give a fuck about whether you look like an Instagram mummy or not. The fact he’s saying this after only a year where you are just starting to relax into the relationship screams “run for the hills” to me. I love to dress up for date nights with my DH and I’m pretty sure he much prefers me all dolled up to my standard tramp like attire during the week but he’d never be brave enough to say it. Equally, when I first met him he didn’t wear glasses and a year in he started to wear them full time because he was struggling and if I’m being honest I prefer his look without them. However, I’m not a knob so would never ever say this to him and he’s still handsome as ever to me.

Honestly, your bloke sounds about 14 years old and I wouldn’t waste any more time on him. Mid thirties? I’m embarrassed for him.

You seem to be saying your comment on a previous thread was a different relationship? The comment was last month and said "We managed to survive it and stay together, and I feel like we are actually stronger"

So, you stayed together, and we are stronger. Present tense. Of course people are going to assume this is the current relationship. Listen, it's your perogative to pretend this is the only issue in the relationship, to ignore the red flags mounting up...but you came here asking. And people are warning you. Whether you decide to listen is up to you