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Original poster

Being told you're letting yourself go

165 replies

rosiebertie · 16/03/2023 17:58

I love my SO. We've been together a year, both in our 30s. He is someone I really see a future with

Lately I can sense him pulling away and losing interest. We have good communication and talked about it. He was brutally honest - maybe too honest. The answer was basically - "I don't like the way you dress these days as it feels like you make no effort". Essentially he thought I had let myself go and he didn't feel passionate about me anymore

There is a part of me that is outraged - OBVIOUSLY he should love me for me. I feel loved by friends for things that have nothing to do with what I wear or how I look. I should be allowed to be myself

But the other part of me wonders if this is fair enough. He's right that I make less effort than I used to about being put together, but that's because I have been so busy and have no time. He is handsome and super polished and I know he's surrounded at work by beautiful women. Maybe I should be glad he was honest about how he felt, and we have a relationship where we can talk about this

I'm inclined to take this to heart - clear out the wardrobe and put in the work. If I have to wear a miniskirt to be with the love of my life, why not?

But is this a huge red flag I am missing?

Has anyone been in this position?

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 16/03/2023 18:36

Too much thinking 12 months in.

Just be you if you both can't be happy with that then meh never mind

LooseGoose22 · 16/03/2023 18:38

He's basing his feelings for you on your wardrobe.

Yep.

If you're attracted to someone, you're attracted to them. You might have some things you think look particularly good/attractive/sexy on them but ateotd that's just packaging.

I actually think some men who are like this are secretly gay.

letthatmango · 16/03/2023 18:39

One year on… comment like that… he’d be an ex significant other.

Maintaining his ‘standards’ sounds like a hard job, surely life is too short for such nonsense.

And yeah, the controlling aspect is creepy!

Original poster
rosiebertie · 16/03/2023 18:41

Donnashair · 16/03/2023 18:14

This is always a difficult one. I have adhd and am either all or nothing. For months I will be put together, then not. I usually, end up putting more effort in when I realise I don't like what I see in the mirror. I know what it feels like to have 'let yourself go'.

In theory, it shouldn't matter. We are told that if someone truly loves us, it doesn't matter how we look. But attraction, inside a relationship does matter. People have preferences. And it's not always something you can simply ignore. Yes some people still fancy their partner if they put on weight, don't make an effort etc. But that's luck. Not that they love someone more.

We can argue that men are conditioned to see women a certain way and anything different as not attractive. It might be true, but doesn't change the problem. He still has his preferences. Which is one of the things that attracted him to you in the first place.

We also often like people who share the same values as us. If he feels putting an effort into appearance is important, it will be something he is attracted to in their partner. If he feels you putting effort in to your appearance, is a projection of your feelings towards him it will damage the relationship.

Relationships don't do well long term if one is not longer the preference of the other and attraction goes.

Wether you should change is different. Are you happy with the level of effort and your appearance. If so, then you shouldn't change it. Being happy with yourself is worth far more than a relationship with anyone. If you are unhappy with your appearance then maybe there's a compromise. I have no idea what he is expecting of you so don't know if there is a compromise.

You can't compare your relationship with your partner to your friendships. Your friendships don't need you to fancy each other. Sexual attraction shouldn't be a significant part of friendships. So looks are less important

I think you've hit the nail on the head

OP posts:
BoredBetsy · 16/03/2023 18:41

Er...how much have you let yourself go..? Confused
I can't imagine that in a year, you've changed dramatically and your clothes are now moth eaten and shapeless.

I have a feeling that you could devote your life to putting in all the effort and he'll still be saying negative things to you.
It sounds like he's not interested anymore. Sorry op.

CrumpetsandJammmm · 16/03/2023 18:41

Donnashair · 16/03/2023 18:14

This is always a difficult one. I have adhd and am either all or nothing. For months I will be put together, then not. I usually, end up putting more effort in when I realise I don't like what I see in the mirror. I know what it feels like to have 'let yourself go'.

In theory, it shouldn't matter. We are told that if someone truly loves us, it doesn't matter how we look. But attraction, inside a relationship does matter. People have preferences. And it's not always something you can simply ignore. Yes some people still fancy their partner if they put on weight, don't make an effort etc. But that's luck. Not that they love someone more.

We can argue that men are conditioned to see women a certain way and anything different as not attractive. It might be true, but doesn't change the problem. He still has his preferences. Which is one of the things that attracted him to you in the first place.

We also often like people who share the same values as us. If he feels putting an effort into appearance is important, it will be something he is attracted to in their partner. If he feels you putting effort in to your appearance, is a projection of your feelings towards him it will damage the relationship.

Relationships don't do well long term if one is not longer the preference of the other and attraction goes.

Wether you should change is different. Are you happy with the level of effort and your appearance. If so, then you shouldn't change it. Being happy with yourself is worth far more than a relationship with anyone. If you are unhappy with your appearance then maybe there's a compromise. I have no idea what he is expecting of you so don't know if there is a compromise.

You can't compare your relationship with your partner to your friendships. Your friendships don't need you to fancy each other. Sexual attraction shouldn't be a significant part of friendships. So looks are less important

So much truth here.

Phrases like “letting yourself go” are incredibly hurtful and I would possibly find that hard to get past.

But equally I’m looking at my DH who is currently wearing flour stained joggers and a fleece and I can be honest and admit I find him more attractive when he is dressed better.

And he’s probably looking at me in an oversized sweatshirt and pyjama bottoms with no make up on and thinking something similar. I DO look better when I wear flattering clothes and put some make up on, that’s just an objective fact.

However, when you love someone, I feel you move past that. You might think, oh, you look great in that outfit, I really want to jump your bones when you look like that - but that doesn’t remove the underlying love and attraction you feel for them as a person.

Jujuj · 16/03/2023 18:42

Is this a huge red flag? Yes. Yes it is.

purpledalmation · 16/03/2023 18:46

fucking huge red flag. He loves you for how you look? He is polished but hugely superficial. Do you want this shit for the next 40 years. will he expect you to leap into your levis 2 days after giving birth. Unless you have ballooned into 20 stone and don't wash (in which case fair comment) then fuck him off. This will be a life of misery, never feeling good enough.

LilyPark · 16/03/2023 18:47

He sounds F-ing awful. LTB!

Noicant · 16/03/2023 18:47

I don’t really feel like changing for anyone, I am what I am, if I had to be aware of my appearance all the time I would never feel completely at ease with DH. I’d constantly be thinking about whether I look ok. Can’t be arsed with that. Also if you go down the route of changing yourself for him, what if he has a problem with some other aspect of your appearance.

Mirabai · 16/03/2023 18:47

How much have you actually let yourself go in a year?

He sounds very shallow. If he thinks this is bad what happens when you have a kid, get birth injury, stretch marks, put on a bit of weight etc?

He just needs to marry a model.

Mirabai · 16/03/2023 18:50

I grew up with some men like this, they don’t change and some women are super naive about the implications.

At the start they like having a handsome suave partner, by the end their soul is a little bit broken by the ruthless shallowness.

RandomMess · 16/03/2023 18:52

@Donnashair you put that a million times better than me!

LilyPark · 16/03/2023 18:55

Tell him he's gone and let himself go incredibly shallow. Doesn't matter how handsome he is on the outside he sounds like a properly ugly, unattractive human to say that. You do not speak to someone you love like that. So annoyed on your behalf!

Original poster
rosiebertie · 16/03/2023 18:55

This is all EXTREMELY helpful.

So in short:

  • I've "let myself go" but not dramatically. When we met I put a lot of thought into what I wore (both on dates and casually) but still had off days. Now, most days are off if I can get away with it (which I can - I WFH most of time)
  • Obviously it's shallow. And vain. And hurtful. But he is not saying he is leaving me. One of the points he made is that he knows we would have a happy marriage and I will be an amazing mother etc etc. But he also wants a marriage that feels passionate. And looks are important to him. That's the reality
  • In my hurt I asked whether he was still even attracted to me. He said he wouldn't be having this conversation if he wasn't - I have qualities he loves. Otherwise he would just have left. And I believe him
  • He used to date models. I am obviously not one. We've talked about it and he says that was all in the past and he has grown out of that. And I believe him

Here is another point. If it were the other way around and HE let himself go, I would say something. So are we as bad as each other?

OP posts:
AlwaysGinPlease · 16/03/2023 18:58

He is someone I really see a future with

Why?! Run!

supercali77 · 16/03/2023 18:59

I dont imagine you're wearing onesies 24/7 after initially wearing ballgowns.The way he said it was insensitive and to me, points to a superficiality about how he sees women. Arm candy?. And it puts you in a position. Getting dressed up is nice, it's something we sometimes want to do. But having to do it? Wheres the fun in that? I'm not sure where you go from here. Something like this would really put me off a man

BessieSurtees · 16/03/2023 18:59

Red flags and controlling arse apart. Would he have been attracted to you as you are now? You say he is very well groomed, were you?

Of course you need to dump him, he’s so superficial.

How do you feel about how you look and how much effort you make if you’re happy then that’s all that matters. No way should you be changing yourself for others.

I agree with a pp your friends are different.

It’s also really easy to stop making an effort though.

foxlover47 · 16/03/2023 19:00

Two of my
Exes were like this and it makes you live on your toes , constantly worrying about looking "done " ,.
one used to want selfies all through out the day at random times , it wasn't for me and actually made me
Feel a bit insecure about myself

WidthofaLine · 16/03/2023 19:01

Mirabai · 16/03/2023 18:50

I grew up with some men like this, they don’t change and some women are super naive about the implications.

At the start they like having a handsome suave partner, by the end their soul is a little bit broken by the ruthless shallowness.

I agree but op seems like a workhorse, she must improve herself.

Today it's the wardrobe, lets get dripping in Channel and Givenchy, still not worked, still being dissed, what's next....

Plastic surgery ?
Never cary a child for fear of your body changing.
The list will never end and you will never be good enough, if he's like this after a year, God help you.

Or you could just dump him and tell him he doesn't meet your standards in everyway.

Pinkbonbon · 16/03/2023 19:03

Its only been a year. You're talking as if this is a decade long marriage. If someone stops fancying you after a year then you end things and move on. You don't start running around trying to change yourself, kissing their backside.

As pps have said too, in relationships its normal to stop putting on a full face of makeup as the months go on. Because by a year in they should love you for you. Not the superficial. This guy wants a dollybird, not a relationship. And he's told you this.

poundshoptealights · 16/03/2023 19:06

Sounds very shallow to me. Are you sure you want to be with him?

Mirabai · 16/03/2023 19:07

Sure he’s said he’s ‘grown out’ of dating models, but all it amounts to is that he expects the same level of grooming from someone whose looks are not their job.

If you’re someone whose natural groove is not to have to make much effort as he expects, this won’t work.

Turnipworkharder · 16/03/2023 19:08

Unless you're walking around smelly body , greasy hair plastered to your scalp, unbrushed teeth .... then I'd understand his opinion.

So you're not all dressed up and face full of make up at home ?

If its the latter then he's not a keeper.

Imagine if you had a baby would he expect you to be immaculate at all times ?

Mirabai · 16/03/2023 19:09

If he doesn’t love you as your natural self without all the effort he seems to think necessary, then he doesn’t love you at all.

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