Help me understand my parent's odd relationship

[Waferbiscuit]

My dad and stepmother have been married for almost 40 years but I really can't understand the dynamics of their relationship. Because it's puzzled me for so long I thought I'd ask others for their POV.

Dad is an economist, hard working and very career-focused, very sharp and well read with lots of hobbies. Interested in the world - reads newspapers every day, lots of books on the go and very keen on politics.

Stepmother is the opposite. Does not read, no hobbies and has very little in the way of opinions. She has no friends - genuinely. She has never worked throughout their marriage but because they are well off she has had a housekeeper so she doesn't have to fill her days with domestic tasks. She spends the day shopping or getting her hair done or watching TV and now that they are older she doesn't go out at all. Dad looks after all elements of managing the house (e.g. paying the bills, sorting gardeners etc) so SM doesn't have to.

They have very little in common and I wonder why they are together. Why does he want to be with someone who doesn't challenge him intellectually in any way? Or share his work ethic? And why does she want to be with someone with whom she has little in common? What do they talk about? Their relationship seems so surface and I have never heard them have a 'meaningful' conversation about anything deep or considered (I know I'm not privy to all their conversations but I have been around them a lot.)

For years I've judged my stepmother for being a bit vapid but increasingly I judge my dad for keeping her in her cage, for choosing a life partner - perhaps a 'trophy wife' - who just provides some kind of easy comfort.

Is this a generational thing? Are my parent's generation happy to choose a life partner based on simple companionship and they have limited expectations beyond that?

I know it's 'not my business if they are happy' etc etc so please don't post that. I'm just genuinely perplexed as to why they are together and how long they have stayed together. Would love to know thoughts from others/if parents are similar.

Perhaps they love each other.

Why does he want to be with someone who doesn't challenge him intellectually in any way?

maybe he doesn’t want that.

Perhaps he likes being the intelligent thinker of the house. The looker-after.

a lot of men who are outgoing/outspoken would absolutely hate a partner who was the same.

Opposites attract and all that.

Something must work for it to last that long unless your stepmother has some serious dirt on your dad and she's blackmailing him.

My guess though is that your dad likes having a trophy wife that he can take care of and whom keeps herself looking pretty for him. Maybe given that he has an intellectual job that he doesn't want to be having intellectual debates at the dinner table every night

Sorry to say it but I bet they had amazing chemistry when they met! (Ewwwwww for you). I agree that if they don’t seem unhappy, they probably aren’t. They are both free to be themselves, so it sounds (ie one doesn’t make the other do things they don’t want to do), get to pursue their own interests, and have a bit of company in the background.

Doesn't mean you can’t want more for yourself, I agree it sounds limited.

I'm sure they do love each other but not sure that love is based on respect or mutual admiration.

I really struggle with the idea that my clever dad didn't want someone who was an intellectual equal and instead chose a life partner who talks about tv game shows. But that's me.

Different people want different things. He might not want an intellectual for debates, she obviously has other qualities that he appreciates and if it works for them let them be.

@Colgatetoothpaste - Agree, he's tired at the end of the day so not looking for a conversation on tax policy. I think I'm just surprised that he is content with a relationship that is so unchallenging. Do men just want an easy life? (Am I really asking that question? 🤔)

How old were you when they got together? What was your step mother like then?

Lots of getting intellectual women end up silencing themselves because their superior feeling husbands silence them over the years…

Your opinion of your step mothers intellect is very clear, I wonder how much of your opinion is picked up from your father.

You clearly don't like her. What good is this thread going to achieve?

We know literally nothing about this marriage apart from the tiny amount you've told us so we can't comment fairly.

I have a friend who is an intellectual. She has a PhD and is an excellent solicitor. She also loves 'tv game shows' and all kinds of crap and I think no less of her for it, nor does her dh.

For years I've judged my stepmother for being a bit vapid you sound very resentful of her being in your father's life. I don't think anyone here is going to say anything that will make you "understand it" and really why do you need to?

Perhaps they have great sex. Some old people do you know😁

I am pretty intelligent (sorry but I just am, although I know there are different types of intelligence) and I am 50 now. I discovered very quickly that the vast majority of men don’t want an intellectual equal. Luckily DH does.
I have an 18 year old DD who is very very clever and sadly even today a lot of men/boys don’t like it and try and find ways to minimise her, even her lovely BF was a bit unimpressed when she got better GCSE results than him.
Maybe your Dad gets enough mental stimulation in other ways and just wants someone unchallenging at home?

This is what used to be called ‘the jovial bed’.
🛌 🧚🏻‍♂️

also, perhaps he just likes her. 💏

There might be elements to their relationship that you don't get to see - amazing sex life, fancy the pants of each other, whatever.

My uncle is very bright, well-read, very up on current affairs. My step-aunt is the opposite; quite practical, not well educated, left school at 14 and worked as a machinist all her life, doesn't read books or watch anything that isn't a soap opera. But she's kind, generous with her time, affectionate, and they share the same sense of humour. I think that's the most important thing for them.

I don't dislike my SM but admittedly she's not very smart and she's not very bothered about that. I couldn't write the post without stating their differences. She is fine as a person, there's just not much going on there.

I was asking because I'm sure there are many marriages like this where two very different people are together and I'm genuinely trying to understand why it works. (And I get that many people may reply that 'it's not my business why it works'!)

Why don't you ask them?

@Hoppinggreen Maybe your Dad gets enough mental stimulation in other ways and just wants someone unchallenging at home?

I think that's it.

@Eyesopenwideawake - Not sure I would get much from them if I asked them!

@NevieSticks I don't think anyone here is going to say anything that will make you "understand it" and really why do you need to?

Mumsnet is filled with people posting trying to understand other people's lives, POV etc. This is no different.

Probably more than asking a bunch of random strangers...

Your sneeriness toward your SM, and near belief that your father is worth better than her drips from your posts.

It clearly works because it’s what they both want.

Why not ask your father why he’s lowered himself to having such a thicko for a wife if you’re that desperate to know?

Hopefully the reason you never would is because you know your father has far more respect for her than you do.

You could ask them what they think is the key to a long and successful marriage.

That was exactly my first thought.

I can reel off quite a few couples I know who are exactly like this. My father had an unusual and highly responsible job. Originally married to my whirlwind intellectual professionally successful mother and secondly married a woman with no interest in anything but dogs. That marriage lasted until his death.
My late in-laws again the same. FiL energetic, senior management role, loads of involvement in his community, big hobbies, wide network. MiL, not a thing. Barely educated (colonial background), no skills (because servants), played a little golf on occasion with other women of her ilk. Did a bit of charity work for a while, but not out of conviction.
Local friends - he was MD of a big firm, turnaround specialist who worked all over the world. Wife gave up her office job to become trailing spouse and never took up any new interests other than her animals. No children. All she talks about is her emotions. It’s exhausting.
All of these men adored and cared for their wives, pampered and indulged them. They don’t have to explain themselves.

I really struggle with the idea that my clever dad didn't want someone who was an intellectual equal and instead chose a life partner who talks about tv game shows. But that's me.

I'm curious what your birth mother is/was like. Maybe she's very different to your stepmother and that's why your dad chose her?