Help me understand my parent's odd relationship

[Waferbiscuit]

My dad and stepmother have been married for almost 40 years but I really can't understand the dynamics of their relationship. Because it's puzzled me for so long I thought I'd ask others for their POV.

Dad is an economist, hard working and very career-focused, very sharp and well read with lots of hobbies. Interested in the world - reads newspapers every day, lots of books on the go and very keen on politics.

Stepmother is the opposite. Does not read, no hobbies and has very little in the way of opinions. She has no friends - genuinely. She has never worked throughout their marriage but because they are well off she has had a housekeeper so she doesn't have to fill her days with domestic tasks. She spends the day shopping or getting her hair done or watching TV and now that they are older she doesn't go out at all. Dad looks after all elements of managing the house (e.g. paying the bills, sorting gardeners etc) so SM doesn't have to.

They have very little in common and I wonder why they are together. Why does he want to be with someone who doesn't challenge him intellectually in any way? Or share his work ethic? And why does she want to be with someone with whom she has little in common? What do they talk about? Their relationship seems so surface and I have never heard them have a 'meaningful' conversation about anything deep or considered (I know I'm not privy to all their conversations but I have been around them a lot.)

For years I've judged my stepmother for being a bit vapid but increasingly I judge my dad for keeping her in her cage, for choosing a life partner - perhaps a 'trophy wife' - who just provides some kind of easy comfort.

Is this a generational thing? Are my parent's generation happy to choose a life partner based on simple companionship and they have limited expectations beyond that?

I know it's 'not my business if they are happy' etc etc so please don't post that. I'm just genuinely perplexed as to why they are together and how long they have stayed together. Would love to know thoughts from others/if parents are similar.

[Salverus]

I suppose I struggle with the fact that this is an indication that my dad values women for their beauty and comfort - what does that say about him?

Erm. I'd say that's very normal. Your dad has physical attraction to her.

[gillywiththedogs]

OP, if you SM was a beauty when younger, it simply says that your dad was much like a lot of men - he was attracted to beauty. Even better if that physical beauty was mirrored by an inner beauty, in that she is a kind and loyal partner in life.

[Salverus]

Is she beautiful? Because if so that's another answer to your question I'm afraid.

[sunglassesonthetable]

@80s makes some v good points.


yes!

[Shamoo]

Lots of men value women primarily for their looks and support. That’s why the workforce (and wider life) is still rife with sexism.

I guess there are two options: (1) what he wants in a woman is that she is pretty, supportive, easy going and not going to challenge him, which is what she offers; or (2) he wants a woman who has no separate life, who stays at home and serves him - and he has created this by isolating her etc.

Hopefully it’s the first and they are both happy together, even if you wouldn’t chose that sort of relationship for yourself.

[quietnightmare]

It's simple..

Some people like to be in come control and some people like to be taken care of

They love eachother

And because she's not too tired all the time from , children, housework and working they probably have a great sex life all over the house 😂

[Luxembourgmama]

Men are v shallow. Was she v attractive physically when they met?

[amberedover]

@Waferbiscuit I wasn't saying you were snidey .I was advising you to ignore the snidey remarks others were directing at you .

[WorldAtOne]

Love comes in many forms. If you have been wasting your time judging their marriage maybe you can’t see it for what it really is - from the sounds of it, a contented one.

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

@Waferbiscuit

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu I never said I wasn't happy for my dad or for them as a couple.

I just asked a question about their relationship and whether this was normal for relationships. Like the many questions people post on Mumsnet every day!

Yes you did. You said you struggle with it.

And of course it's normal. Most of us can't fathom what goes on in a successful marriage to keep it happy. Your dad sees a different woman to the one you are judging seeing.

[user1492757084]

Possibly they have a good sex life and also can truly relax when around each other. They don't seem competitive and perhaps they appreciate each other's contribution to their home life.

[Mummysatthebodyshop]

@Waferbiscuit

@Colgatetoothpaste - Agree, he's tired at the end of the day so not looking for a conversation on tax policy. I think I'm just surprised that he is content with a relationship that is so unchallenging. Do men just want an easy life? (Am I really asking that question? 🤔)

A lot of men back in the day had the belief that women are home makers and men make the money, so it wouldn't matter what her 'intelligence' is.

It's a more modern assumption men look for a similar partner and expect the woman to contribute on a similar level.

[CryptoFascistMadameCholet]

I suspect quite a few second/subsequent marriages are like this.

Second time around people are looking for what makes them happy, not who their parents expected them to partner up with.

Partners with similar intellectual interests and career paths are often pushed away from each other when one takes time off work for child raising - their paths divulge and getting them back on one track can be contentious and frustrating (for either side, for same or different reasons).

By the time your dad met your SM, he was probably pretty set in his ways and wanted a woman who was similarly unlikely to change much, so that the compatibility they had from day one was more sustainable for the long term.

I expect your well-groomed stepmother was charming and impressive at work functions and while she might kit have done much cleaning herself, she obviously had compatible standards for their shared living space.

One of the longest lasting couples I ever met were extremely similar (two intellectual heavyweights who met at Cambridge uni in the 50s) and were still having intense debates over small political points and stand up rows over ‘wrong’ wine choices well into their 80s.
I found spending time with them excruciating and I cannot imagine living with that level of conflict.
I don’t think many people can cope with adversarial partner in the long term (although it can be very exciting in the short term).

Plus, I agree with the others who said they probably had (and perhaps still have!) an extremely compatible intimate relationship.

[dworky]

Sounds most like he wanted a housekeeper, cook, mummy.

[PictureNotPerfect]

If they seem happy then it works for them.
I know a woman very similar to how you describe your SM. She likes being taken care of and an easy life and her DH provides that in the same way as your dad - he takes care of everything and is rich. She doesn’t have to think of anything and that’s the way she has always liked things. If your dad is anything like the man the person I know is married to, it’s very much a trophy wife situation. The woman who I know, her DH is fixated on the way she looks and how attractive she is. He also likes to make the decisions and be in control and so I think it suits him that she doesn’t have any real opinions of her own. Could be the same for your dad/SM, or it could be different.

[Mrsjayy]

It obviously works for them both 40 years is a bloody good innings , perhaps your dad doesn't want to be challenged "intellectually" at home and enjoys her company, not all women have to be intellectually challenging and some do actually like their lives simpler.

[ShippingNews]

Is this a generational thing? Are my parent's generation happy to choose a life partner based on simple companionship and they have limited expectations beyond that?

Not generational at all. I'm sure there are many younger couples who choose partners for similar reasons.

[BrendaWearingBaffies]

@Fizzadora

Perhaps they have great sex. Some old people do you know😁

That basically what I was going to post. Most likely case tbh.

[Squamata]

I'd imagine if your work involved constant challenge and argument, being with someone who could not possibly produce that same conflict would be quite refreshing and pleasant.

Or maybe they were old fashioned and got married because they had a spark and didn't approve of cohabitation/sex outside marriage, then it just stuck.

I've mixed in academic/geeky circles quite a bit, a lot of the men in those fields are basically a bit intimidated by women and have no idea how to position themselves in a dating market or approach women or manage complex relationships. And they work in very male-dominated fields, maybe went to all boys schools and almost entirely male uni courses etc. If they strike up a connection with someone, they're not likely to start thinking about playing the field to see if they can get someone better or more compatible. They just count their lucky stars that a woman is interested.

[mindutopia]

I do suspect that it has something to do with wanting an easy, peaceful life and that's it. I suspect they must have had more in common when they met or something that attracted them to each other. And then it's comfortable to just keep going, especially if one/both of them have had marriages end previously and they don't want that to happen again, especially as they are older.

That said, not everyone wants someone who is 'intellectually similar'. I am an academic and I have big intellectual conversations all day. My dh is not at all an intellectual. He's absolutely smart and he does have opinions about things and he reads lots and has friends and interests. But we don't have big conversations about big intellectual topics. I would absolutely hate that. I like to talk about gardening and celebrity gossip in my off hours.

That said, I do think norms in relationships have been different in previous generations. I truly don't remember my parents having any deep conversations when I was growing up (they divorced). I don't even remember them ever going out and doing anything alone as a couple. It was just the sort of relationship where you got on with every day things.

[BritInAus]

Do they share the same / similar values? Make each other laugh non-stop? Have crazy chemistry and lots of hot times together? (sorry, know this is about your dad!)

[Hongkongsuey]

@Totalwasteofpaper

You sound like my old housemate who couldnt understand why her perfect daddy! Who was an "intellectual" remarried a secretary (gasp!) within 5 months of her mother dying and spent an age looking down on, and being difficult with, her perfectly nice stepmother.

I get its difficult because it means acknowledging your dad isnt the perfect father figure and that can be uncomfortable but from your posts it clear you know exactly why he married her and stays with her.... you just dont like what it says about your own beloved daddy 🤷🏻‍♀️

Perhaps she was grieving for her dead mother. Unlike her father who found time to court and marry a new wife within 5 months of his wife’s death.

Back to the OP-I find relationships fascinating and wonder why certain couples work. My husband, clever, is totally uninterested in who’s who and finds it amusing I go on Mumsnet. He doesn’t like animals-I love them. But he’s kind and funny and wants the best for me. Maybe he sees similar qualities in your SM?

[bamboonights]

My parents have had a happy marriage - about 50 years of it. I'm cutting their life story very short here but I've often wondered how it worked as (in my heart of hearts) often thought that dad could have done 'better'. For the last 8 years dad has been suffering a degenerative disease that is crippling and a form of dementia that would try a Saint. My mum is that Saint; she is a carer on a level that is unrivalled. The medical staff we have encountered along the way are in awe. I imagine she has supported him throughout his life in so many 'invisible' ways and as kids we were obviously blind to it. The one thing they always had is respect for one another, in communication, disagreements and life.

[Alpiniste]

OP, are you in some level hurt when you see the traits that your father values in a life partner.

if you are financially independent; intellectually curious and assertive but see that these are essentially worthless to your father, of course you will wonder. It’s actually quite the rejection, isn’t it.

[dottiedodah]

40 years ago life was quite different though.Still a fair amount of women were expected to marry fairly young ,often become HW . Even now "Trophy Wives" are still a thing.Men ,vain creatures that they are like to often feel "in charge" .This seems to work for your Dad and SM. Why worry about it, if it aint broke why mend it as the saying goes.Why dont you have a chat and see if she has any interests of her own.