Help me understand my parent's odd relationship

[Waferbiscuit]

My dad and stepmother have been married for almost 40 years but I really can't understand the dynamics of their relationship. Because it's puzzled me for so long I thought I'd ask others for their POV.

Dad is an economist, hard working and very career-focused, very sharp and well read with lots of hobbies. Interested in the world - reads newspapers every day, lots of books on the go and very keen on politics.

Stepmother is the opposite. Does not read, no hobbies and has very little in the way of opinions. She has no friends - genuinely. She has never worked throughout their marriage but because they are well off she has had a housekeeper so she doesn't have to fill her days with domestic tasks. She spends the day shopping or getting her hair done or watching TV and now that they are older she doesn't go out at all. Dad looks after all elements of managing the house (e.g. paying the bills, sorting gardeners etc) so SM doesn't have to.

They have very little in common and I wonder why they are together. Why does he want to be with someone who doesn't challenge him intellectually in any way? Or share his work ethic? And why does she want to be with someone with whom she has little in common? What do they talk about? Their relationship seems so surface and I have never heard them have a 'meaningful' conversation about anything deep or considered (I know I'm not privy to all their conversations but I have been around them a lot.)

For years I've judged my stepmother for being a bit vapid but increasingly I judge my dad for keeping her in her cage, for choosing a life partner - perhaps a 'trophy wife' - who just provides some kind of easy comfort.

Is this a generational thing? Are my parent's generation happy to choose a life partner based on simple companionship and they have limited expectations beyond that?

I know it's 'not my business if they are happy' etc etc so please don't post that. I'm just genuinely perplexed as to why they are together and how long they have stayed together. Would love to know thoughts from others/if parents are similar.

[HikingforScenery]

I understand your query, OP. I’d probably ask the same, in your shoes.

[Stillcountingbeans]

@EthicalNonMahogany
"The secret of a successful marriage is to find someone who can open our childhood wounds so that together we can heal them".

This is so beautiful, and so true.

You may not consciously choose on this basis, especially if (like most of us) you don't even know what your childhood wounds are.
So it is often a matter of some deep instinct that keeps us drawn to people who open our wounds.
If you are lucky, they are kind, so they will help you heal. If you are unlucky, they are abusive, and they will prey on your wounds.

But if your childhood wounds are never healed, if they are covered over and ignored, it will affect your marriage, and your children, for the worse. And if neither partner is able to cope with the other person's childhood wounds, then the relationship won't last.

OP - are you aware how much you value and prioritise 'being intellectually challenged' and 'work ethic'. Are you aware of how many other types of things matter far, far more in people and relationships?
What does that say about you?

[Hoppinggreen]

@1stTimeMama

"Do men just want an easy life?"

In the words of my husband: Of course we do! Absolutely yes. 100%.

It’s a bit tragic that some people seem to think that a man’s life won’t be “easy” if he marries an intelligent woman

[Doesthepopeshitinthewoods]

@Hoppinggreen

It’s a bit tragic that some people seem to think that a man’s life won’t be “easy” if he marries an intelligent woman

Fucking awful, isn’t it? What an attitude.

[Waferbiscuit]

I'm honestly surprised by the comments on here.

A lot of vitriol just because I'm questioning a relative's relationship in quite a casual way and making some judgements about a relative I've known for 40 years.

Not quite sure why people go onto Mumsnet, a forum which is for enquiring and sharing opinions, and then bash people for their comments and for daring to have an opinion? Why go onto a discussion forum at all? Or is it just to criticize the posters you disagree with? And why state 'it's none of my business' when Mumsnet is literally all about getting into other people's business?

I'm not naive, I don't need counselling, I'm not a horrible person, I don't hate my Step Mother but I have a view - I just asked a question about a relationship I didn't fully understand to see if others out there had experienced similar.

[ReadersD1gest]

@Waferbiscuit

I'm sure they do love each other but not sure that love is based on respect or mutual admiration.

I really struggle with the idea that my clever dad didn't want someone who was an intellectual equal and instead chose a life partner who talks about tv game shows. But that's me.

He chose the partner he wanted. It's quite odd that you feel so strongly about it, to be honest, or think you can gauge the levels of respect in their relationship.
They obviously love each other. You need to get on with your own life and stop obsessing about theirs.

[Tiddler39]

Massive sexual chemistry.

[Salverus]

What do YOU think her good qualities are OP?

[XelaM]

@80s

@XelaM Do all of you speak Russian together, or is this lady's English good? It can be hard to judge intelligence when there's a language/culture difference. And you say that your uncle doesn't take her to meet family because she isn't attractive? Are you saying he's ashamed of her appearance? It isn't simply because his family dislike her?

We all speak Russian, but my family is originally from Moscow and she is from a very remote small village in Russia. It's a big cultural difference. It's not just that she's unattractive (so am I!) we would completely understand it if she was smart or very nice or a great housewife instead, but she is neither of those things, which is what made his choice particularly odd. He doesn't take her to family events because she doesn't get on with the family (although now that my grandmother passed away) we wouldn't mind it at all if he brought her. But he also never takes her to meet his friends or work colleagues. This is I suspect because he might be ashamed of his choice.

Having said that, they appear to both be happy and as I said, they recently bought a retirement/holiday house together in her childhood village 🫣

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

@Waferbiscuit

I'm honestly surprised by the comments on here.

A lot of vitriol just because I'm questioning a relative's relationship in quite a casual way and making some judgements about a relative I've known for 40 years.

Not quite sure why people go onto Mumsnet, a forum which is for enquiring and sharing opinions, and then bash people for their comments and for daring to have an opinion? Why go onto a discussion forum at all? Or is it just to criticize the posters you disagree with? And why state 'it's none of my business' when Mumsnet is literally all about getting into other people's business?

I'm not naive, I don't need counselling, I'm not a horrible person, I don't hate my Step Mother but I have a view - I just asked a question about a relationship I didn't fully understand to see if others out there had experienced similar.

You're not enquiring & sharing opinions, you started this thread purely to vent your awful intellectual snobbery & relieve yourself by making condescending remarks about the woman your dad loves.

[Beddfellows]

My parents met at university and were academic equals at that age. I'm told that my mum was very bright, popular and vibrant at that age. My father didn't want her to have a job. Over the years she lost her intelligence. Whereas he used his intelligence and academic qualifications in a successful career. He met lots of people through work while she was pretty isolated at home. So their lives were different, with her life being pretty boring. He was clearly happy with this. He appeared to really enjoy the fact that he was now more intelligent, more savvy about how the world worked, was the one who made the money, was the one people looked up to because of his work expertise and money, etc. He wanted her life to revolve around him, and he was a man who valued women for their looks / sex / the attention they paid to men. He loved the fact that being a man meant that he was treated as higher priority than women around him. Does that help? They did share their hobbies though, and their hobbies were important to them. So they had more in common than your dad has with his wife.

[TeaGinandFags]

There are two things, OP, which are beyond human comprehension. One is the mind of God and the other is why people do what they do, especially in relationships.

Don't swest it.

[Tiddler39]

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu

You're not enquiring & sharing opinions, you started this thread purely to vent your awful intellectual snobbery & relieve yourself by making condescending remarks about the woman your dad loves.

No she didn’t!

Read the OP again. She’s curious and wondered if anyone had any insight.

How odd.

[TeaGinandFags]

Sweat it.

[beAsensible1]

@Pileofjeans

Sadly I don't think a lot of men want an intellectual equal and it doesn't matter to them. I think many of them prefer it that way, and are happier.

absolutely, they want and enjoy being the smartest person in the room (house) its very annoying.

My DP loves my intelligence and asks me everyday what going on in the world for my little daily world briefing!

[RealMcKoy]

This OP reminds me of the Woody Allen film "Interiors" where the successful father has fallen in love with a woman who is earthier and "less intellectual" than the intellectual designer( as a profession) wife that he has separated from.
His three similarly educated children also seem to lack emotional intelligence as to why their father could possibly be with the woman that he has chosen to be with.



I can very much understand the discombobulation that can occur when people partner and get on without the need to be challenged or even low/high key compete as the axis of their intimate relationship. Many people centre emotional compatibility and peace within their intimate relationships.

[GoldenCupidon]

Loads of people have answered the question of what else might draw them together so I won't bother with that, but OP I did want to say that in a way I can understand how weird this makes you feel.

It must open up questions like - does your dad actually respect women as equals? (because for example some of the answers here could as easily be about a cavalier king charles spaniel as a woman e.g. "uncomplicated, loyal, dependable, well groomed!").

Questions like - is your dad vain? Does he just want to be flattered by a fairly non intellectual wife so that he can feel wonderfully clever in comparison?

Questions like - is your dad a good and kind partner? Because his wife has ended up living a very isolated life and from the outside it's hard to tell whether it's really what she wanted or if he's got her in a sort of gilded cage situation.

Questions like - does your dad respect you? Because you're very different from his wife (and she's very different from your mother with whom you share 50% of your genes) and maybe he thinks you're shit at womanning.

The OP doesn't have to be jealous/mean-spirited about her step-mum to feel uncomfortable about the questions that this relationship may bring up for her at times. Everyone wants to think their parents are great.

[Bizzybee900]

As 'the intellectual' one in my long and happy marriage I think you are underestimating the importance of kindness, emotional maturity and mutual respect in long relationships. Equal intellect, same hobbies, physical attraction etc are really of secondary importance in maintaining a marriage.

[Waferbiscuit]

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu You're not enquiring & sharing opinions, you started this thread purely to vent your awful intellectual snobbery & relieve yourself by making condescending remarks about the woman your dad loves.

Intellectual snobbery to ask why two people with very different mindsets are in a romantic relationship? Seriously?

Don't forget to post 'I don't like experts' either.

[Salverus]

@Bizzybee900

As 'the intellectual' one in my long and happy marriage I think you are underestimating the importance of kindness, emotional maturity and mutual respect in long relationships. Equal intellect, same hobbies, physical attraction etc are really of secondary importance in maintaining a marriage.

Me too I agree totally

Or maybe they have good sex

I mean it's all very well the OP wanting opinions but those opinions cannot ever be valid as we do not know the answers or even the people involved.

[Fairyliz]

My dad and SM were very similar and I once asked him what he saw in her.
His answer ‘she thinks the sun shines out of my arse’.
Sorry to say but lots of men don’t like intelligent women they just want someone who looks up to them and sort of worships them.
That was 30 years ago and sorry to say a lot of men still think the same. I was out with friends and their husbands a couple of weeks ago and I politely disagreed with my friends husband. I thought he was going to have a heart attack he got so angry I had disagreed with him.

[HellonHeels]

@Hongkongsuey

Perhaps she was grieving for her dead mother. Unlike her father who found time to court and marry a new wife within 5 months of his wife’s death.

Back to the OP-I find relationships fascinating and wonder why certain couples work. My husband, clever, is totally uninterested in who’s who and finds it amusing I go on Mumsnet. He doesn’t like animals-I love them. But he’s kind and funny and wants the best for me. Maybe he sees similar qualities in your SM?

Agree with this in all aspects. Poor housemate

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

@Waferbiscuit

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu You're not enquiring & sharing opinions, you started this thread purely to vent your awful intellectual snobbery & relieve yourself by making condescending remarks about the woman your dad loves.

Intellectual snobbery to ask why two people with very different mindsets are in a romantic relationship? Seriously?

Don't forget to post 'I don't like experts' either.

No, intellectual snobbery to call your dad's wife of 4 decades "vapid".

[Waferbiscuit]

@GoldenCupidon - Yes, those are the sort of things I have pondered.

[GoldenCupidon]

the only other thing I was going to add was that most of the economists I've met (not all) are quite conservative - maybe your mum appealed to him as a younger more rebellious person, and he's since become the sort of man who'd quite happily read the Express if he hadn't been to university but now reads the Telegraph in much the same spirit, and basically has quite old fashioned (sexist) views about men and women and their roles. By some measures your stepmum is being the perfect woman - men kept women quite deliberately out of schools and universities and careers for years and measured them solely by their ability to be pretty and caring, was that because they all wanted intelligent vibrant wives? Obviously not. That attitude persists in many even today.