Help me understand my parent's odd relationship

[Waferbiscuit]

My dad and stepmother have been married for almost 40 years but I really can't understand the dynamics of their relationship. Because it's puzzled me for so long I thought I'd ask others for their POV.

Dad is an economist, hard working and very career-focused, very sharp and well read with lots of hobbies. Interested in the world - reads newspapers every day, lots of books on the go and very keen on politics.

Stepmother is the opposite. Does not read, no hobbies and has very little in the way of opinions. She has no friends - genuinely. She has never worked throughout their marriage but because they are well off she has had a housekeeper so she doesn't have to fill her days with domestic tasks. She spends the day shopping or getting her hair done or watching TV and now that they are older she doesn't go out at all. Dad looks after all elements of managing the house (e.g. paying the bills, sorting gardeners etc) so SM doesn't have to.

They have very little in common and I wonder why they are together. Why does he want to be with someone who doesn't challenge him intellectually in any way? Or share his work ethic? And why does she want to be with someone with whom she has little in common? What do they talk about? Their relationship seems so surface and I have never heard them have a 'meaningful' conversation about anything deep or considered (I know I'm not privy to all their conversations but I have been around them a lot.)

For years I've judged my stepmother for being a bit vapid but increasingly I judge my dad for keeping her in her cage, for choosing a life partner - perhaps a 'trophy wife' - who just provides some kind of easy comfort.

Is this a generational thing? Are my parent's generation happy to choose a life partner based on simple companionship and they have limited expectations beyond that?

I know it's 'not my business if they are happy' etc etc so please don't post that. I'm just genuinely perplexed as to why they are together and how long they have stayed together. Would love to know thoughts from others/if parents are similar.

Out of interest does she do the cooking? Way to a man’s heart after all!

My brothers wife is not very smart and he’s very intelligent, but she’s loving, caring, easy going and we all think she’s great. He’s had relationships with other intellectuals before but both will think they’re right about things and it always causes arguments/stand offs and eventually a break up. It just doesn’t work.

He said he loves his wife because she knew she’d be a good mother and companion and he was right.

I have been trying to find the quote, but I can't- it's something like this...

"The secret of a successful marriage is to find someone who can open our childhood wounds so that together we can heal them".

Nobody has any idea what deep attachment issues, recognition and meeting of deep needs lie in the unspoken communion of two people in a relationship. It's really not about whether you both like funk music or nuclear physics or shopping or economics debates or Love Island.

For example, to him it may well be that she's beautiful and sexy and kind - he may have never thought of himself as the kind of man that this kind of woman would love, and he gets a massive status kick out of it which soothes and excites him in a humdrum life. It means he can sit on the sofa and read the paper without feeling restless or unfulfilled.

Or he may have always been a person whose worth was judged by the world as only to do with his intellect. Go on, little OP's dad! Achieve! Debate! Be an intellectual! Then you will be loved! Imagine the profound calm of that child growing up and being with someone who not only is high status to the world (beautiful, a good home maker, tick!) But also is a calm soothing presence who loves him irrespective of his wit. And maybe at the same time also admires his wit. What a heady cocktail! I'd stay with someone who gave me those goodies.

my dad values women for their beauty and comfort - what does that say about him?
Calm yourself, OP- your dad loves this woman because she brings him something important psychologically. The more interesting work for you is this - what does being an intellectual, for you, have to do with love? What messages have you picked up around that? Might tell you something interesting about both you and your father.

Apologies for the long reply but this is some of my favourite kind of thinking.

That’s such a good post.

Surely the obvious answer is sex? How old are you OP? You seem naive about relationships. A lot of intelligent men like to be the smartest person in their home and wouldn’t countenance a relationship with a woman their intellectual equal or god forbid more intelligent. Most men want someone they fancy, bright enough but not brighter than them, enthusiastic about sex and doesn’t nag. If she can cook as well that’s a bonus.

Maybe they just love each other. Maybe your Dads wife is the best thing that ever happened to him, maybe she is warm, caring and adores him and isn't a snob with her intellectual head up her arse !

This sounds like something my SD will write about me in 30 years. 😅

Her question is: “How could you be with someone fat, dad? Mum is so thin!”

😂😂

She could be completely different when it's just him and her.

I am different with different people, depending on my comfort level.

My uncle's relationship is a bit like this. He's a real intellectual, very cultured, lots of interests and passions. His wife is... well she's the opposite.
But I don't think for one second he looks down on her. I think they're extremely happy. They've been together 30 years and still hold hands and look at each other with so much love. He adores her and it seems to be mutual. They seem very good for each other. My uncle's friends are also intellectuals. He's knows quite a few media types, comedians etc. I wonder if sometimes they exhaust him and he likes coming home to the simple and untaxing company of his wife.

Maybe she wanted to be rescued. And he liker being her big important rescuer and organiser?
Forgive me, but she may well struggle if he goes first.

I think I'm your dad in my relationship. I get my brain taxed enough at work and at home I just want to chill out and not get in to a deep and meaningful discussion every night. I think it sounds like your DF and DSM have a comfortable relationship where they're both happy with their home lives - who wouldn't want that?

I would, however, be a bit concerned about just how much he is doing for her. Statistics suggest that he will go before her and she's going to be left stranded and unable to do the most basic of household finance tasks. I'd probably have word with him on that point at least.

My Granddad was a bit like that with my Nan, though in her job she had to be in careful charge of a tight budget, so although she didn't handle the household finances, she took it over without much bother. Her biggest issue was that she never learned to drive because she walked to work and my granddad took her everywhere else she needed to go. Granddad always used to say "well, she doesn't need to drive - I can do it". Didn't help when he died at 56 and she lived until she was nearly 90.

Perhaps he didn’t want someone intellectual because he knows first hand how bitchy and judgemental they are. Perhaps he loves your SM as a person, for the things she does add to his life, maybe she’s not a stuck up cow who is critical of other peoples intelligence levels.

Is/was she beautiful, groomed, well spoken? Perhaps your dad just wanted someone who was easy to be around and enjoyable to take out, and who accepts his less seen side.

”I don’t want clever conversation- don’t want to work that hard…”

Lot of posters have given plausible reasons. Bit tricky conjecturing from a description of two strangers from a third but always willing to hypothesise 😜

As your dad has a big career and a vivid life of the mind, he will have friends and colleagues with whom to discuss the weighty matters. I think it’s totally possible he finds comfort in having your stepmother as unchallenging, easy company and a relaxing addition to his life rather than someone to help him live it, as so many wives are. Given that she sounds from your description a bit of a lady-who-lunches and not harried by housework or pressured by her own career?

You don’t say if she’s a contented person, or pleasant to be around, aside from not being very intellectually engaged/engaging to you, but an easy, unchallenging life, though small by your standards, would sound pretty sweet to some people.
Even in 2023, there are people who aspire to marrying a successful partner to ‘look after them’ (ie.Wags) and in fact that used to be pretty much the best case scenario for women who didn’t want to remain single.

Maybe it’s ‘old-fashioned’ but it’s impossible to know why a marriage works from the outside. Couples are their own little universe, and some men are guided by the principle ‘happy wife, happy life.’ Also, not everyone, male or female, wants or needs to be intellectually challenged by an equal partner. You don’t talk about their emotional connection, maybe because it doesn’t often show itself. Forty years of happy marriage indicates there’s something deep, important and lasting there. It’s also a little awkward to consider when it’s a parent but my immediate thought from your description was I bet they’re very compatible in one major way, and that the manner in which they live their lives might reflect that dynamic. It’s amazing how many other shortcomings sexual fulfilment can make up for😆

It sounds a bit like your stepmother exists as a satellite in his orbit, but that’s working fine for them both. I’d second asking your dad, if you can find a way to do it without sounding like you’ve made a judgement on either of them, and your question arises out of a genuine good-faith curiosity about your parent, and how his intellectual life and personal life fit alongside one another, despite being seemingly very different. If it’s more that you find your stepmother uninspiring company, then maybe not. Seems like some of the guesses on here are likely to be pretty near the mark.

A life partner based on 'simple companionship' seems pretty appealing to me.

(It's probably simple companionship + sex = 40 years of wedded bliss)

Seconded.

And I also suspect that OP is asking this question for far deeper, far more personal reasons (perhaps subconscious) than the opening post suggests.

OP, are you struggling with the idea that your dad chose someone who is very much not like you (and perhaps quite different to your mum too?)

if so, I would suggest reframing your comparator - the person in their relationship who you are most like is your dad.

What sort of ideal partner do you envisage for yourself?
Don’t miss out on a truly compatible partner because their good traits (uncomplicated, loyal, dependable, well groomed!) remind you of your stepmother (a woman you seem to have never bonded with? Which is fine, no judgement, step families are complicated).

The opening post sounds like something a rejected OW would write.

Ignore that poster, there’s some mad projection going on there.

I’d wonder the same, OP. I don’t understand people who are genuinely not curious about the world. It must be so…dull.

Maybe they simply meet each others needs.
His intellectual needs are met elsewhere.
I would be a little bit concerned about her capacity to manage by herself, should she need to, as she has no other apparent support or social network and seems highly dependent on him for so much.

Otherwise, well done to them if they have created their own idyll.

Seems like some people make their life less dull by popping onto threads for the sole purpose of criticising the OP .
Ah well ,we're all different .

You've had loads of suggestions about the benefits of this marriage for your dad, but I understand your curiosity. I have a friend who is absolutely hilarious, my face hurts from laughing if I'm with her for more than an hour, yet her husband is a complete humour free zone, he doesn't find her - or anyone else - funny, ever. They've been married for 20 years and it just seems like such a waste of her incredible quick wit to live with someone who doesn't appreciate it.

They've been together for 40 years! Get over it OP!

Lets be honest here many men value women for beauty and comfort.It says nothing about him except he values Sex in a RL! When getting married ,we filled in some questions about what matters most in marriages. We all were astonished when the Vicar said he valued Sex most highly. Bit ewww to think of but even dear dads are men first ,dads second!

Surely the obvious answer is sex? How old are you OP? You seem naive about relationships. A lot of intelligent men like to be the smartest person in their home and wouldn’t countenance a relationship with a woman their intellectual equal or god forbid more intelligent. Most men want someone they fancy, bright enough but not brighter than them, enthusiastic about sex and doesn’t nag. If she can cook as well that’s a bonus.

A lot of intelligent people write condescending stuff like this but you wouldn't want to spend time with them.

@Hongkongsuey 👏🏼