Page 5 | Help me understand my parent's odd relationship

sunglassesonthetable · 14/03/2023 11:32

They've been together for 40 years! Get over it OP!

Yep, OP never ask questions and ponder!

🙄

Mothership4two · 14/03/2023 11:33

I've seen lots of relationships where the couple are very different people with very different interests but seem happy together and content with their lot. Who knows what makes a relationship tick?

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Thisistyresome · 14/03/2023 11:35

Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 10:11

I'm sure they do love each other but not sure that love is based on respect or mutual admiration.

I really struggle with the idea that my clever dad didn't want someone who was an intellectual equal and instead chose a life partner who talks about tv game shows. But that's me.

Why must everyone want someone who “challenges them” some people like that, some don’t. I suspect if he is an economist he has people challenging him at work all day, he will publish and have those ideas challenged. That is a lot of challenge. Before your step mum did his relationships include lots of challenge? Perhaps he had many relationships that involved a lot of challenge and he found they were bad for him?

It may now be that they are comfortable in the roles they have taken, you may not think much of her, but she appears to offer something to your dad to allow him to function in life. If that is a peaceful home and conversation which is an escape from work what is wrong with that?

If he spends all day discussing the details of an economic topic, then at lunch is surrounded with people discussing wider economic and political topics, coming home to discussions about something completely removed may be what he needs.

Some people want intense discussions in relationships some want peace.

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baileys6904 · 14/03/2023 11:37

What about core values. Kindness, honesty, family values? What about humour or the ability to let someone be themselves. What about supportiveness or helping someone thrive? Basing a relationship success on intelligence is ridiculous

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Ladyofthesea · 14/03/2023 11:37

Same sense of humor?
Mindblowing sex?
Making the other person feel very respected, valued and loved?
Having each others back regardless?
Same views on important stuff like how to grow old together?
Love the others family/children/feeling bonded?
Afraid to be alone and absolutely sure of the others loyalty?

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1stTimeMama · 14/03/2023 11:38

Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 10:13

@Colgatetoothpaste - Agree, he's tired at the end of the day so not looking for a conversation on tax policy. I think I'm just surprised that he is content with a relationship that is so unchallenging. Do men just want an easy life? (Am I really asking that question? 🤔)

"Do men just want an easy life?"

In the words of my husband: Of course we do! Absolutely yes. 100%.

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Ladyofthesea · 14/03/2023 11:40

My dad loved my mum for her warm loving nature. After she died he met his current partner who -I hate to say- has much more in common with him. Same interests and hobbies. They have so much fun together. He still misses mum in some ways but I have to say that he is very happy with his partner.

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XelaM · 14/03/2023 11:41

OP - your post resonates so much with a family situation in my family that it's almost uncanny!

My uncle (mum's younger brother) is a hugely successful, highly intellectual, extremely nice, very popular guy who in his youth was a star athlete and very handsome. He was a successful young doctor and now is the COO of a large pharmaceutical company. He is great fun, very intelligent, everyone loves him and he has a huge circle of friends. When he was young, he had countless girls wanting to marry him. My grandmother (his mum) liked almost all of them, but he was being super picky and always found a reason why not to get married.

THEN he went on a work trip (he was a young guest lecturer at a medical school) and whilst there, eloped with one of his students. When he brought her home we couldn't believe it.

She was from a very remote village in Russia, not at all intelligent or well-educated, not particularly nice or even attractive. My family (and his friends) couldn't understand it at all and it started an elaborate campaign by my grandmother to get them divorced.

Nearly 30 years and 4 (now adult) kids later, even my grandmother had to give up. My grandmother concluded that there must be something wrong with my uncle and that he's probably some kind of weird perv. 😂His wife has never worked a day in her life, but never cooked or cleaned at home either, is still not particularly intelligent, and is not even physically attractive so my uncle usually never takes her to meet his friends or family. We still don't understand it, but he had a million opportunities to leave her and never did. In fact, he recently bought a new retirement home with her in her parents' village. 😳

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whatwasIgoingtosay · 14/03/2023 11:42

I'm with you, OP. I avoid high-achieving men who have wives who appear to have very little to offer in terms of career, conversation, opinions, hobbies, etc. They make very uncomfortable and difficult bosses, because their model of what makes a good woman is based on the undemanding wife they have chosen to keep at home and service them. It seems to me like a form of deep misogyny. However... my late MIL (born 100 years ago), who was kind and generous to a fault, appeared to be vapid and lacking any kind of curiosity or knowledge of the world. Yet during World War 2 she had successfully held down a demanding job for which she had to sit rigorous exams. My overbearing and bullying FIL had sucked all of the confidence and self-esteem out of her over the years before I met her and she never ventured an opinion on anything, never dared to. Her existence centred on keeping him happy and serviced. They appeared to their friends to be a happy couple, no doubt. But she wasn't happy at all, she used to tell me. In fact she loathed him, but could see no escape. Scratch any marriage below the surface and you may come across a miserable story . I hope OP's stepmother is genuinely as happy as she seems.

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BellePeppa · 14/03/2023 11:42

Two intellectuals in the house could be a bit much for some. Maybe she gives him a feeling of cosines and warmth you’re not privy too?

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mumontheskoolrun · 14/03/2023 11:42

Maybe your step mum is an absolute dirt bag and pure filth in the bedroom so it's worth sticking around all these years.

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 14/03/2023 11:43

You've called your step-mother 'vapid'? I would imagine you know NOTHING about their relationship and I can't imagine that, having got the measure of you, that she'd want to engage in anything other than 'grey rock' with you. I wouldn't.

They have a relationship that you can't fathom... good!

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Chardonnay73 · 14/03/2023 11:43

My parents are like this. Dad is a high achiever, Mum gave up work to have me and hadn’t worked since. She’s glamorous, looks after the house and my dad in a way that makes me think ‘how actually fulfilling is your life?’ I know I couldn’t do it.
But they are blissfully happy and have been so for over 50 years. I hope my marriage is as happy and long lasting as theirs even though the dynamics are totally different. I’m sure they look at me and dh and the way we live our lives ( lots of independent friends and travelling) and think ‘how can they be happy?’ But we are also very very happy and content in our marriage. Different strokes and all that….

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Fladdermus · 14/03/2023 11:44

This could be me and my husband. Not everyone wants a challenging relationship. Some of us want peace and calm. A relationship where you can just kick your shoes off and 'be'.

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falsepositivenervous · 14/03/2023 11:44

ShimmeringShirts · 14/03/2023 11:19

Perhaps he didn’t want someone intellectual because he knows first hand how bitchy and judgemental they are. Perhaps he loves your SM as a person, for the things she does add to his life, maybe she’s not a stuck up cow who is critical of other peoples intelligence levels.

Lol smart/intellectual women are bitchy and judgemental? I feel like you might need a mirror held up to you 😂

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cheatingcrackers · 14/03/2023 11:45

mumontheskoolrun · 14/03/2023 11:42

Maybe your step mum is an absolute dirt bag and pure filth in the bedroom so it's worth sticking around all these years.

I can only think of two posts on MN that have ever made me laugh out loud, and this was the second one!

I didn't like my stepmother either OP and I think my Dad only chose her because she was available (he just hated being alone, had heaps of unsuitable relationships). I'm really hoping it wasn't because she was pure filth. 😱

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Winter2020 · 14/03/2023 11:48

While I've been reading this thread I have been reminded of the great relationships between "man's best friend" and wondering about that as an analogy.

I'm not drawing comparisons with your step mum and a dog (and just for the avoidance of doubt your dad can be the dog if someone has to be) but that owner/dog relationship is a great example of "mutual respect and admiration" that has been mentioned at some point. If a person and a dog can just "be" and enjoy each others company and bond then I don't see why one person having an interest in politics and another not having this interest should possibly be a barrier to a good bond.

I'm not convinced at all that the only thing that would attract two people that have different interests is sex/ sex appeal. For whatever reason/coincidence of time/place possibly not even known to themselves they have bonded and that's all there is to it. You should respect their relationship simply because it exists.

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80s · 14/03/2023 11:49

@XelaM Do all of you speak Russian together, or is this lady's English good? It can be hard to judge intelligence when there's a language/culture difference. And you say that your uncle doesn't take her to meet family because she isn't attractive? Are you saying he's ashamed of her appearance? It isn't simply because his family dislike her?

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Advicerequest · 14/03/2023 11:52

Maybe they are kind to each other and make each other feel safe?

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Rinkydinkydoodle · 14/03/2023 11:52

1stTimeMama · 14/03/2023 11:38

"Do men just want an easy life?"

In the words of my husband: Of course we do! Absolutely yes. 100%.

Show quote history

100% 🤣
This actually reminded me of something my pal told me years ago when she first got engaged. I was staying with them one weekend and after I left her fiancé said ‘Rinky’s quite a nice looking lassie but I could never be with someone like that.’ My pal asked why and he said ‘too clever, I’d never get away with anything, I’d be knackered.’ A rare insight! (and we were both insulted🤣)

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SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 14/03/2023 11:53

Such an insightful post from @EthicalNonMahogany

@Waferbiscuit you sound very young and I’m afraid a bit shallow , if you can’t see that love and attraction come in many different forms. You might as well ask how people can be attracted to a different sex or race than you are.

You also seem to be attaching value judgements to things that are neither right or wrong , they are just different eg TV programmes , hobbies, retirement status

I suspect your post is a lot more about you than it is about your father and SM. Are you resentful that they have a long and happy marriage and perhaps you do not , or fear that you may not ever find one ?

Perhaps you feel that you are more worthy of love that your SM because of your supposed intellect or education? Have you been disappointed in love ?

Have you rejected possible partners because you feel they do not meet your rather narrow views on compatibility and are now regretting this?

Perhaps it would help to talk to a counsellor about these issues , it can help sort them out in your head.

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Epli · 14/03/2023 11:54

I really struggle with the idea that my clever dad didn't want someone who was an intellectual equal and instead chose a life partner who talks about tv game shows. But that's me.

I am not surprised at all. My partner is an academic and I know many, many men similar to your father, who are completely not interested in sharing their interest or having an intellectual connection with their wife. Instead they are looking for more 'maternal' and 'feminine' traits like warmth, concentration on home life etc. I feel some of them like to be 'the smart one' in the relationship and/or are not interested in living with somebody that has a similar career, as that would require certain sacrifices from their side when it comes to professional life. They would maybe date, flirt and even have affairs with smart, well educated women, but they would not marry them.

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Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 14/03/2023 11:56

No, I’d agree with OP’s assessment of ‘vapid’ based on what’s been written here.

@Waferbiscuit , how old were you when this woman came into your lives?

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Thisistyresome · 14/03/2023 11:57

1stTimeMama · 14/03/2023 11:38

"Do men just want an easy life?"

In the words of my husband: Of course we do! Absolutely yes. 100%.

Show quote history

Perhaps the question is better asked a different way around:
"do men want a difficult life in every aspect, work and home?"

I think the answer is much more obvious then.

A lot of people seem to assume men and women are the same. However, (yes, on average) men tend to find focusing on fewer things more fulfilling and women like a boarder range. You even see it in capabilities (more women skilled in maths also have high language skills, where a greater proportion of men skilled in maths have poorer language sills).

If a man is focused on work and gets his fill of “hard” aspects of life at work why wouldn’t he want to have home life be “easy.”

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Sweet89 · 14/03/2023 11:57

Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 10:03

My dad and stepmother have been married for almost 40 years but I really can't understand the dynamics of their relationship. Because it's puzzled me for so long I thought I'd ask others for their POV.

Dad is an economist, hard working and very career-focused, very sharp and well read with lots of hobbies. Interested in the world - reads newspapers every day, lots of books on the go and very keen on politics.

Stepmother is the opposite. Does not read, no hobbies and has very little in the way of opinions. She has no friends - genuinely. She has never worked throughout their marriage but because they are well off she has had a housekeeper so she doesn't have to fill her days with domestic tasks. She spends the day shopping or getting her hair done or watching TV and now that they are older she doesn't go out at all. Dad looks after all elements of managing the house (e.g. paying the bills, sorting gardeners etc) so SM doesn't have to.

They have very little in common and I wonder why they are together. Why does he want to be with someone who doesn't challenge him intellectually in any way? Or share his work ethic? And why does she want to be with someone with whom she has little in common? What do they talk about? Their relationship seems so surface and I have never heard them have a 'meaningful' conversation about anything deep or considered (I know I'm not privy to all their conversations but I have been around them a lot.)

For years I've judged my stepmother for being a bit vapid but increasingly I judge my dad for keeping her in her cage, for choosing a life partner - perhaps a 'trophy wife' - who just provides some kind of easy comfort.

Is this a generational thing? Are my parent's generation happy to choose a life partner based on simple companionship and they have limited expectations beyond that?

I know it's 'not my business if they are happy' etc etc so please don't post that. I'm just genuinely perplexed as to why they are together and how long they have stayed together. Would love to know thoughts from others/if parents are similar.

Why don't you ask them? I imagine they love each other, considering the length of marriage?
Your attitude towards their relationship is horrid 🤢

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Help me understand my parent's odd relationship