My dad and stepmother have been married for almost 40 years but I really can't understand the dynamics of their relationship. Because it's puzzled me for so long I thought I'd ask others for their POV.
Dad is an economist, hard working and very career-focused, very sharp and well read with lots of hobbies. Interested in the world - reads newspapers every day, lots of books on the go and very keen on politics.
Stepmother is the opposite. Does not read, no hobbies and has very little in the way of opinions. She has no friends - genuinely. She has never worked throughout their marriage but because they are well off she has had a housekeeper so she doesn't have to fill her days with domestic tasks. She spends the day shopping or getting her hair done or watching TV and now that they are older she doesn't go out at all. Dad looks after all elements of managing the house (e.g. paying the bills, sorting gardeners etc) so SM doesn't have to.
They have very little in common and I wonder why they are together. Why does he want to be with someone who doesn't challenge him intellectually in any way? Or share his work ethic? And why does she want to be with someone with whom she has little in common? What do they talk about? Their relationship seems so surface and I have never heard them have a 'meaningful' conversation about anything deep or considered (I know I'm not privy to all their conversations but I have been around them a lot.)
For years I've judged my stepmother for being a bit vapid but increasingly I judge my dad for keeping her in her cage, for choosing a life partner - perhaps a 'trophy wife' - who just provides some kind of easy comfort.
Is this a generational thing? Are my parent's generation happy to choose a life partner based on simple companionship and they have limited expectations beyond that?
I know it's 'not my business if they are happy' etc etc so please don't post that. I'm just genuinely perplexed as to why they are together and how long they have stayed together. Would love to know thoughts from others/if parents are similar.
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Relationships
Help me understand my parent's odd relationship
Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 10:03
furryfrontbottom · 14/03/2023 12:44
I guess she fucks like a stoat on cocaine.
Alpiniste · 14/03/2023 11:04
OP, are you in some level hurt when you see the traits that your father values in a life partner.
if you are financially independent; intellectually curious and assertive but see that these are essentially worthless to your father, of course you will wonder. It’s actually quite the rejection, isn’t it.
Noicant · 22/03/2023 08:41
Excellent post
EthicalNonMahogany · 14/03/2023 11:07
I have been trying to find the quote, but I can't- it's something like this...
"The secret of a successful marriage is to find someone who can open our childhood wounds so that together we can heal them".
Nobody has any idea what deep attachment issues, recognition and meeting of deep needs lie in the unspoken communion of two people in a relationship. It's really not about whether you both like funk music or nuclear physics or shopping or economics debates or Love Island.
For example, to him it may well be that she's beautiful and sexy and kind - he may have never thought of himself as the kind of man that this kind of woman would love, and he gets a massive status kick out of it which soothes and excites him in a humdrum life. It means he can sit on the sofa and read the paper without feeling restless or unfulfilled.
Or he may have always been a person whose worth was judged by the world as only to do with his intellect. Go on, little OP's dad! Achieve! Debate! Be an intellectual! Then you will be loved! Imagine the profound calm of that child growing up and being with someone who not only is high status to the world (beautiful, a good home maker, tick!) But also is a calm soothing presence who loves him irrespective of his wit. And maybe at the same time also admires his wit. What a heady cocktail! I'd stay with someone who gave me those goodies.
my dad values women for their beauty and comfort - what does that say about him?
Calm yourself, OP- your dad loves this woman because she brings him something important psychologically. The more interesting work for you is this - what does being an intellectual, for you, have to do with love? What messages have you picked up around that? Might tell you something interesting about both you and your father.
Apologies for the long reply but this is some of my favourite kind of thinking.
EthicalNonMahogany · 14/03/2023 11:07
I have been trying to find the quote, but I can't- it's something like this...
"The secret of a successful marriage is to find someone who can open our childhood wounds so that together we can heal them".
Nobody has any idea what deep attachment issues, recognition and meeting of deep needs lie in the unspoken communion of two people in a relationship. It's really not about whether you both like funk music or nuclear physics or shopping or economics debates or Love Island.
For example, to him it may well be that she's beautiful and sexy and kind - he may have never thought of himself as the kind of man that this kind of woman would love, and he gets a massive status kick out of it which soothes and excites him in a humdrum life. It means he can sit on the sofa and read the paper without feeling restless or unfulfilled.
Or he may have always been a person whose worth was judged by the world as only to do with his intellect. Go on, little OP's dad! Achieve! Debate! Be an intellectual! Then you will be loved! Imagine the profound calm of that child growing up and being with someone who not only is high status to the world (beautiful, a good home maker, tick!) But also is a calm soothing presence who loves him irrespective of his wit. And maybe at the same time also admires his wit. What a heady cocktail! I'd stay with someone who gave me those goodies.
my dad values women for their beauty and comfort - what does that say about him?
Calm yourself, OP- your dad loves this woman because she brings him something important psychologically. The more interesting work for you is this - what does being an intellectual, for you, have to do with love? What messages have you picked up around that? Might tell you something interesting about both you and your father.
Apologies for the long reply but this is some of my favourite kind of thinking.
SirTarquin · 21/03/2023 22:55
Sex to start with then just being used to each other and rubbing along just fine.
Mirabai · 21/03/2023 21:58
Really? Your comment:
I would question what your barely disguised dismissal of your SM says about your view of women, as though women who don't match your standard of perceived intellect are somehow "less than...", substandard and not worthy of the men in their lives.
Has patently nothing to do with the OP or her SM and is all about your insecurities around your own intellect and how it may be judged.
Honestly if I were going to recommend self reflection it would be to you not the OP.
dittbtdity · 22/03/2023 02:19
You appear to be trapped in the 1950's.
Pupinski · 21/03/2023 21:23
I'm sure she's not worried, and no, I have no reason whatsoever to feel insecure about this post - or indeed your comment (irony indeed!).
Reading through the comments, my view isn't an outlier. The OP says herself she's surprised by the comments. Perhaps that suggests a moment of self-reflection wouldn't go amiss.
You and I have a different viewpoint. You're welcome to yours. I'll stick with mine.
Mirabai · 21/03/2023 20:21
Oh the irony.
The knee jerk attacks on the OP, whose perfectly valid and not especially trenchant criticism of her SM, clearly brings out the insecurities in certain posters.
The OP comes across as intelligent and amusing, which unfortunately cannot be said for the whiners. It’s really not the OP who has to worry how she is presenting herself.
Pupinski · 21/03/2023 00:12
It's not at all odd that people should judge you having never met you, while you judge your SM having known her for 40 years. We judge things all the time. Research shows we form an opinion of people within the first 7 seconds of knowing them. You are not being judged on your dress sense, your friendship group, your career or any other aspect of your life other than what you've chosen to expose of yourself here.
What your father or SM may choose to expose of themselves here would be entirely up to them and they'd be judged accordingly. They may have an entirely different view of their setup than you do as a third party. You're bringing your own perception of them here and it seems almost as though you're questioning their right to their happiness measured against your own values. To be blunt, it comes across as interfering and just a little bitchy. I'm sure you're a lovely person but you're not presenting yourself in your best light with this post.
Waferbiscuit · 20/03/2023 23:08
The thing about opinions is that they work both ways. You have expressed your opinion (aka judgement) of your SM, as is your right, and people have responded with their opinions (aka judgement) of how you come across from your choice of words, as is their right. That you find that surprising cements my judgemental view of you as someone who is intolerant of people who are not like you, or do not hold the same views as you or share your values. A little self-examination goes a long way...
@Pupinski the thing is I'm making judgements on someone I've known for 40 years well and lots of people on Mumsnet are criticizing me for my judgement on someone they've never met and don't know. It's a bit odd!
It's also important to point out that while the discussion has focused on 'intellectualism' my original comments were that my SM has nothing 'going on' per se and no interests, so it's not intellectualism but a lack of a very full life.
MN is always so contrary. There's a lot of posters on this thread saying that my parent's relationship is fine... but I can promise if my Dad had posted on MN that 'he's a man who wants an easy life with a nice lady and that's the best kind of marriage', I can promise that he would get a LOT of vitriolic responses from angry Mumsnetters disparaging about his view of women and helathy partnerships. Equally if my SM had posted on MN about her concern that 'she is living a nice life at home but has no hobbies/interests, is in a gilded cage and her entire life revolves around my dad' loads of Mumsnetters would ask about the coercive control she might be experiencing and tell her to LTB. You know it's true!
Waferbiscuit · 21/03/2023 22:47
@Pupinski
Please know that I have spent the evening in deep self-reflection.... 'thou shall never judge or have an opinion, thou shall never make comment on other women, however they live their lives.'
I've been chanting that and I'm sure it's helping me a lot. Praying I'll wake up tomorrow a much better person.
CherryHouse · 20/03/2023 23:32
Mine’s done the same. He’s good looking, wealthy, educated, yet married for a long time now to someone entirely vacuous. She’s not even attractive, maybe a 5/10 on a good day. It’s very odd and provides endless conversation for me and my sister. Maybe she knows some special tricks, because neither of us can figure it out 😂
Pupinski · 21/03/2023 21:23
I'm sure she's not worried, and no, I have no reason whatsoever to feel insecure about this post - or indeed your comment (irony indeed!).
Reading through the comments, my view isn't an outlier. The OP says herself she's surprised by the comments. Perhaps that suggests a moment of self-reflection wouldn't go amiss.
You and I have a different viewpoint. You're welcome to yours. I'll stick with mine.
Mirabai · 21/03/2023 20:21
Oh the irony.
The knee jerk attacks on the OP, whose perfectly valid and not especially trenchant criticism of her SM, clearly brings out the insecurities in certain posters.
The OP comes across as intelligent and amusing, which unfortunately cannot be said for the whiners. It’s really not the OP who has to worry how she is presenting herself.
Pupinski · 21/03/2023 00:12
It's not at all odd that people should judge you having never met you, while you judge your SM having known her for 40 years. We judge things all the time. Research shows we form an opinion of people within the first 7 seconds of knowing them. You are not being judged on your dress sense, your friendship group, your career or any other aspect of your life other than what you've chosen to expose of yourself here.
What your father or SM may choose to expose of themselves here would be entirely up to them and they'd be judged accordingly. They may have an entirely different view of their setup than you do as a third party. You're bringing your own perception of them here and it seems almost as though you're questioning their right to their happiness measured against your own values. To be blunt, it comes across as interfering and just a little bitchy. I'm sure you're a lovely person but you're not presenting yourself in your best light with this post.
Waferbiscuit · 20/03/2023 23:08
The thing about opinions is that they work both ways. You have expressed your opinion (aka judgement) of your SM, as is your right, and people have responded with their opinions (aka judgement) of how you come across from your choice of words, as is their right. That you find that surprising cements my judgemental view of you as someone who is intolerant of people who are not like you, or do not hold the same views as you or share your values. A little self-examination goes a long way...
@Pupinski the thing is I'm making judgements on someone I've known for 40 years well and lots of people on Mumsnet are criticizing me for my judgement on someone they've never met and don't know. It's a bit odd!
It's also important to point out that while the discussion has focused on 'intellectualism' my original comments were that my SM has nothing 'going on' per se and no interests, so it's not intellectualism but a lack of a very full life.
MN is always so contrary. There's a lot of posters on this thread saying that my parent's relationship is fine... but I can promise if my Dad had posted on MN that 'he's a man who wants an easy life with a nice lady and that's the best kind of marriage', I can promise that he would get a LOT of vitriolic responses from angry Mumsnetters disparaging about his view of women and helathy partnerships. Equally if my SM had posted on MN about her concern that 'she is living a nice life at home but has no hobbies/interests, is in a gilded cage and her entire life revolves around my dad' loads of Mumsnetters would ask about the coercive control she might be experiencing and tell her to LTB. You know it's true!
Mirabai · 21/03/2023 20:21
Oh the irony.
The knee jerk attacks on the OP, whose perfectly valid and not especially trenchant criticism of her SM, clearly brings out the insecurities in certain posters.
The OP comes across as intelligent and amusing, which unfortunately cannot be said for the whiners. It’s really not the OP who has to worry how she is presenting herself.
Pupinski · 21/03/2023 00:12
It's not at all odd that people should judge you having never met you, while you judge your SM having known her for 40 years. We judge things all the time. Research shows we form an opinion of people within the first 7 seconds of knowing them. You are not being judged on your dress sense, your friendship group, your career or any other aspect of your life other than what you've chosen to expose of yourself here.
What your father or SM may choose to expose of themselves here would be entirely up to them and they'd be judged accordingly. They may have an entirely different view of their setup than you do as a third party. You're bringing your own perception of them here and it seems almost as though you're questioning their right to their happiness measured against your own values. To be blunt, it comes across as interfering and just a little bitchy. I'm sure you're a lovely person but you're not presenting yourself in your best light with this post.
Waferbiscuit · 20/03/2023 23:08
The thing about opinions is that they work both ways. You have expressed your opinion (aka judgement) of your SM, as is your right, and people have responded with their opinions (aka judgement) of how you come across from your choice of words, as is their right. That you find that surprising cements my judgemental view of you as someone who is intolerant of people who are not like you, or do not hold the same views as you or share your values. A little self-examination goes a long way...
@Pupinski the thing is I'm making judgements on someone I've known for 40 years well and lots of people on Mumsnet are criticizing me for my judgement on someone they've never met and don't know. It's a bit odd!
It's also important to point out that while the discussion has focused on 'intellectualism' my original comments were that my SM has nothing 'going on' per se and no interests, so it's not intellectualism but a lack of a very full life.
MN is always so contrary. There's a lot of posters on this thread saying that my parent's relationship is fine... but I can promise if my Dad had posted on MN that 'he's a man who wants an easy life with a nice lady and that's the best kind of marriage', I can promise that he would get a LOT of vitriolic responses from angry Mumsnetters disparaging about his view of women and helathy partnerships. Equally if my SM had posted on MN about her concern that 'she is living a nice life at home but has no hobbies/interests, is in a gilded cage and her entire life revolves around my dad' loads of Mumsnetters would ask about the coercive control she might be experiencing and tell her to LTB. You know it's true!
Pupinski · 21/03/2023 00:12
It's not at all odd that people should judge you having never met you, while you judge your SM having known her for 40 years. We judge things all the time. Research shows we form an opinion of people within the first 7 seconds of knowing them. You are not being judged on your dress sense, your friendship group, your career or any other aspect of your life other than what you've chosen to expose of yourself here.
What your father or SM may choose to expose of themselves here would be entirely up to them and they'd be judged accordingly. They may have an entirely different view of their setup than you do as a third party. You're bringing your own perception of them here and it seems almost as though you're questioning their right to their happiness measured against your own values. To be blunt, it comes across as interfering and just a little bitchy. I'm sure you're a lovely person but you're not presenting yourself in your best light with this post.
Waferbiscuit · 20/03/2023 23:08
The thing about opinions is that they work both ways. You have expressed your opinion (aka judgement) of your SM, as is your right, and people have responded with their opinions (aka judgement) of how you come across from your choice of words, as is their right. That you find that surprising cements my judgemental view of you as someone who is intolerant of people who are not like you, or do not hold the same views as you or share your values. A little self-examination goes a long way...
@Pupinski the thing is I'm making judgements on someone I've known for 40 years well and lots of people on Mumsnet are criticizing me for my judgement on someone they've never met and don't know. It's a bit odd!
It's also important to point out that while the discussion has focused on 'intellectualism' my original comments were that my SM has nothing 'going on' per se and no interests, so it's not intellectualism but a lack of a very full life.
MN is always so contrary. There's a lot of posters on this thread saying that my parent's relationship is fine... but I can promise if my Dad had posted on MN that 'he's a man who wants an easy life with a nice lady and that's the best kind of marriage', I can promise that he would get a LOT of vitriolic responses from angry Mumsnetters disparaging about his view of women and helathy partnerships. Equally if my SM had posted on MN about her concern that 'she is living a nice life at home but has no hobbies/interests, is in a gilded cage and her entire life revolves around my dad' loads of Mumsnetters would ask about the coercive control she might be experiencing and tell her to LTB. You know it's true!
Waferbiscuit · 20/03/2023 23:08
The thing about opinions is that they work both ways. You have expressed your opinion (aka judgement) of your SM, as is your right, and people have responded with their opinions (aka judgement) of how you come across from your choice of words, as is their right. That you find that surprising cements my judgemental view of you as someone who is intolerant of people who are not like you, or do not hold the same views as you or share your values. A little self-examination goes a long way...
@Pupinski the thing is I'm making judgements on someone I've known for 40 years well and lots of people on Mumsnet are criticizing me for my judgement on someone they've never met and don't know. It's a bit odd!
It's also important to point out that while the discussion has focused on 'intellectualism' my original comments were that my SM has nothing 'going on' per se and no interests, so it's not intellectualism but a lack of a very full life.
MN is always so contrary. There's a lot of posters on this thread saying that my parent's relationship is fine... but I can promise if my Dad had posted on MN that 'he's a man who wants an easy life with a nice lady and that's the best kind of marriage', I can promise that he would get a LOT of vitriolic responses from angry Mumsnetters disparaging about his view of women and helathy partnerships. Equally if my SM had posted on MN about her concern that 'she is living a nice life at home but has no hobbies/interests, is in a gilded cage and her entire life revolves around my dad' loads of Mumsnetters would ask about the coercive control she might be experiencing and tell her to LTB. You know it's true!
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mrsplum2015 · 20/03/2023 13:31
Not unusual I'm afraid
My ex was attracted to me for my intelligence. In reality he found it hard work !!
Anyway I have now found someone who values me for who I am and accepts the hard work with the benefits.
I think a lot of men want an easy life to be fair
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