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Original poster

Help me understand my parent's odd relationship

426 replies

Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 10:03

My dad and stepmother have been married for almost 40 years but I really can't understand the dynamics of their relationship. Because it's puzzled me for so long I thought I'd ask others for their POV.

Dad is an economist, hard working and very career-focused, very sharp and well read with lots of hobbies. Interested in the world - reads newspapers every day, lots of books on the go and very keen on politics.

Stepmother is the opposite. Does not read, no hobbies and has very little in the way of opinions. She has no friends - genuinely. She has never worked throughout their marriage but because they are well off she has had a housekeeper so she doesn't have to fill her days with domestic tasks. She spends the day shopping or getting her hair done or watching TV and now that they are older she doesn't go out at all. Dad looks after all elements of managing the house (e.g. paying the bills, sorting gardeners etc) so SM doesn't have to.

They have very little in common and I wonder why they are together. Why does he want to be with someone who doesn't challenge him intellectually in any way? Or share his work ethic? And why does she want to be with someone with whom she has little in common? What do they talk about? Their relationship seems so surface and I have never heard them have a 'meaningful' conversation about anything deep or considered (I know I'm not privy to all their conversations but I have been around them a lot.)

For years I've judged my stepmother for being a bit vapid but increasingly I judge my dad for keeping her in her cage, for choosing a life partner - perhaps a 'trophy wife' - who just provides some kind of easy comfort.

Is this a generational thing? Are my parent's generation happy to choose a life partner based on simple companionship and they have limited expectations beyond that?

I know it's 'not my business if they are happy' etc etc so please don't post that. I'm just genuinely perplexed as to why they are together and how long they have stayed together. Would love to know thoughts from others/if parents are similar.

OP posts:
gillywiththedogs · 14/03/2023 10:30

It makes me wonder if you don't get to see the 'real' SM. Perhaps she is very different with your father. The fact you mention she does not have any friends makes me wonder if SM is shy. Shy people can come across as stupid, as not having any opinions, nor engaging in any debates, because they are scared of being judged by others. Perhaps she feel safe in the company of your father but not in the company of many others, including you, which is why you see the version of her that you do?

Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 10:31

@Kissedbyfire1 All of these men adored and cared for their wives, pampered and indulged them. They don’t have to explain themselves.

It makes me a bit sad that men want relationships like this. What does it say about their view of women?

OP posts:
babbylonzoo · 14/03/2023 10:32

You are not coming across well at all, OP.

You're coming across like you are up your own arse if I'm to be frank. Not nice.

Totalwasteofpaper · 14/03/2023 10:32

You sound like my old housemate who couldnt understand why her perfect daddy! Who was an "intellectual" remarried a secretary (gasp!) within 5 months of her mother dying and spent an age looking down on, and being difficult with, her perfectly nice stepmother.

I get its difficult because it means acknowledging your dad isnt the perfect father figure and that can be uncomfortable but from your posts it clear you know exactly why he married her and stays with her.... you just dont like what it says about your own beloved daddy 🤷🏻‍♀️

amberedover · 14/03/2023 10:32

I'm curious what your birth mother is/was like. Maybe she's very different to your stepmother and that's why your dad chose her? - this is what I'm wondering as well .
Ignore all the snidey remarks OP ,it would puzzle me as well .

Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 10:34

@Totalwasteofpaper - I don't have some of hero worship for my 'beloved daddy'. I'm genuinely curious.

I'm not too worried if I don't come across 'well'. I've stated how I see things and if it appears I'm critical of my SM, it's because I'm quite a different person than her. We don't share the same values or worldview.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 14/03/2023 10:34

So ask them in a non direct way.

"Hey guys what's the secret to your long and happy marriage?"

Bunda · 14/03/2023 10:34

I think you're seeing your dad through rose tinted glasses and looking for faults in your sm

frozendaisy · 14/03/2023 10:35

Let us know what they say.

helpfulperson · 14/03/2023 10:35

I don't understand why my brother and his wife are married. Just very different people. When they got married I gave them a year but 30 years later they are still together and happy. What makes relationships work is often not obvious to outsiders.

I agree that person you see may not be the person your father sees.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 14/03/2023 10:35

gillywiththedogs · 14/03/2023 10:30

It makes me wonder if you don't get to see the 'real' SM. Perhaps she is very different with your father. The fact you mention she does not have any friends makes me wonder if SM is shy. Shy people can come across as stupid, as not having any opinions, nor engaging in any debates, because they are scared of being judged by others. Perhaps she feel safe in the company of your father but not in the company of many others, including you, which is why you see the version of her that you do?

That’s a possibility.

there’s also the possibility that the OP’s father likes having an isolated wife…

Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 10:35

@amberedover My mom was much more grounded and a bit of a hippy.

I haven't been snidey I've just said how it is. My SM IS a bit vapid, there's not a lot going on there. There are people like that! So I was trying to paint a picture of their differences.

OP posts:
80s · 14/03/2023 10:36

Maybe your dad loves the fact that your SM is not bothered about being smart. Maybe they have a great time in bed and he gets to be admired for something other than his mind for a change. Maybe she has other kinds of non-intellectual smartness, e.g. understanding social situations. Maybe she's just kind and cheerful, and keeps him sane in a complicated world. Maybe they're not especially compatible but neither can be bothered to end it.

These days we do often expect our partner to be not just our lover and parent of our children but also our friend, companion, sharer of hobbies, intellectual equal and sparring partner. Maybe we're the ones expecting too much?

gillywiththedogs · 14/03/2023 10:37

OP, your SM might appear to you to be 'a bit vapid' and maybe she is less intelligent than you/your father, and maybe she isn't. But if she is less intelligent, there are other traits which make us love people, you know!

Salverus · 14/03/2023 10:39

Perhaps she's kind to him? Perhaps she doesn't expect him to be intellectually stimulating all the time? Perhaps they fancy each other?

Salverus · 14/03/2023 10:40

Basically what @80s said!

sunglassesonthetable · 14/03/2023 10:41

Sorry to ask Of but do you think their relationship was/is based on a strong physical attraction/chemistry?

Is your SM very kind to him?

I get why you're interested in this OP.

dittbtdity · 14/03/2023 10:42

You sound like my step daughter. But I understand what you're asking because I often ask myself the same. DH and I have very little in common but have been happy together for over 40 years. No idea how it works.

SD1978 · 14/03/2023 10:44

You're sounding pretty fecking mean. They have been together for 40 years. This isn't a flash in the pan relationship, and basically she's too stupid for your liking. Clearly they like each other. Just because you look down on the woman, doesn't mean he does.

Pileofjeans · 14/03/2023 10:44

Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 10:11

I'm sure they do love each other but not sure that love is based on respect or mutual admiration.

I really struggle with the idea that my clever dad didn't want someone who was an intellectual equal and instead chose a life partner who talks about tv game shows. But that's me.

Sadly I don't think a lot of men want an intellectual equal and it doesn't matter to them. I think many of them prefer it that way, and are happier.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 14/03/2023 10:45

Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 10:11

I'm sure they do love each other but not sure that love is based on respect or mutual admiration.

I really struggle with the idea that my clever dad didn't want someone who was an intellectual equal and instead chose a life partner who talks about tv game shows. But that's me.

You can't be happy for your dad?

Do you feel that you are more your dad's intellectual equal than his wife is, & your nose is out of joint?

gillywiththedogs · 14/03/2023 10:46

Kindness. Isn't that the best thing ever, trumping the ability to engage your partner in political discourse?!

Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 10:46

@sunglassesonthetable I think they were initially very attracted to each other, so it might be chemistry. I suppose I struggle with the fact that this is an indication that my dad values women for their beauty and comfort - what does that say about him?

@80s makes some v good points.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 10:48

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu I never said I wasn't happy for my dad or for them as a couple.

I just asked a question about their relationship and whether this was normal for relationships. Like the many questions people post on Mumsnet every day!

OP posts:
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 14/03/2023 10:48

Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 10:22

@Eyesopenwideawake - Not sure I would get much from them if I asked them!

Maybe your stepmum would have got the sarcasm alert which you missed here.

Intelligence is a broader spectrum than academic smarts.