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Original poster

Husband using “massage” parlours

154 replies

2018mama · 14/03/2023 00:05

I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 6 years.

We have a 4 year old and history of miscarriages. Latest miscarriage was traumatic and due to that and other things my mental health hasn’t been in the best place. That’s had a huge effect on our sex life, majorly. I am going through counselling to deal with this at the moment but today when I was working for hubby a confirmation of appointment text came through (connected to the MacBook) about a massage with a “happy ending”. He’d told me he was “going to his last job” so I text him with minutes to spare “enjoy your last job!!!”. he didn’t go, I assume because of this! He denied he was even going to go and said “the thought of it was better”. I’ve checked the rest of his phone and there’s at least 2 other occasions arranging or intending to arrange an appointment.

I suppose my question is, am I wrong for being angry when I’ve “deprived” him of it?

OP posts:
Naunet · 14/03/2023 14:05

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 12:52

A man would definitely feel unloved if his wife refused to have sex with him. It would make him question his self worth, his desirability, etc. I've seen it happen. It's actually the same with women too. Have you ever heard a man or a woman say, my spouse won't have sex with me, I miss having orgasms. No, they say they feel like shit, they lose their confidence, they wonder what's so wrong with them that their spouse won't touch them. If a man repeatedly initiates sex with his wife and gets rejected, he doesn't get upset because he's not getting orgasms. He gets upset because he feels unloved. What's the point of going to a prostitute then, you may ask? It's not like she's going to give him love. It's a question I've asked before too. And the answer I've been given is that given the choice, a man would rather have an affair with someone he's not paying so he can feel desired again and all these things, but a lot of men think going to a prostitute is less of a betrayal than paying someone. Because paying for a service is impersonal and doesn't really require attraction or a mental connection. I'm sure some men also use paid services because they can't find anyone who wants to have an affair with them.

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Feeling unloved because of constant rejection, yes that’s understandable. “Fixing” that by paying a vulnerable person to wank you off, does not in any single way, make someone feel loved. They are not connected, you’re just using the first situation to excuse the second.

AviMav · 14/03/2023 14:10

I would seek some counselling and do not tell your DH OP.

I'm sorry but 1 thing is to cheat and I can understand how people stay. Cheating with a prostitute is disgusting though I would be gone like a SHOT... with my child too!

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 14:14

Feeling unloved because of constant rejection, yes that’s understandable.

And in this case, he's well aware op is struggling with her trauma, grief and MH.

Naunet · 14/03/2023 14:18

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 14:14

Feeling unloved because of constant rejection, yes that’s understandable.

And in this case, he's well aware op is struggling with her trauma, grief and MH.

Yep, but the poor menz can’t be expected to prioritise their wife’s trauma over their dick! 😱

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 14:47

And boucher is also weirdly oblivious to the fact that sex is far from the only way in which someone can feel loved by/cared for etc their partner. Their partner can - and op probably does - show that she cares for her partner in other day to day ways and gestures. If you can't appreciate any of those non sexual things, if says a lot about your character, especially when you know why the person is not expressing love sexually at that time.

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 14:48

Naunet · 14/03/2023 14:18

Yep, but the poor menz can’t be expected to prioritise their wife’s trauma over their dick! 😱

Show quote history

At the risk of being repetitive, I think he's been caught at something he's been doing be Suze he wants to .... And seized upon the most obvious excuse and the one he knows will make op feel guilt, back off etc.

GoldDuster · 14/03/2023 15:17

It's one hundred percent more convenient for someone who has been found by their partner to be using sex workers, to blame it on a lack of something in the relationship, than to admit that it's a failing on their own part.

It's nothing to do with not feeling loved, nor is it because their wives don't understand them. There are plenty of men who do not pay sex workers because the notion of exploiting vulnerable women is deeply problematic, and as a result, not sexy.

Enough of this boys will be boys, it's only a cheeky hand job at a massage parlour. Behind the use of sex workers who are always vulnerable, often trafficked, enslaved, damaged, coerced, battered and bruised, petrified, (let's not pretend that women are advertising hand jobs on Gumtree because they love sex), is the disturbing undecurrent that we must turn a blind eye to their "uncontrollable urges", best they get it out of their system safely at the brothel rather than grabbing some random woman in a park.

It's dire.

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 15:27

Behind the use of sex workers who are always vulnerable, often trafficked, enslaved, damaged, coerced, battered and bruised, petrified, (let's not pretend that women are advertising hand jobs on Gumtree because they love sex)

From UK punting reviews on "massage parlours" many of the women working in them are Asian immigrants with very poor English. Their very poor English obviously puts them at a disadvantage for all manner of thinfs - from work prospects to understanding the legal and benefits system. They may not be legal immigrants, which puts them at a gigantic disadvantage; they are not going to go to the authorities for fear of losing residence and being repatriated. They may come from an extremely patriarchal, chauvanist culture with women still regarded as possessions, chattle, sex objects, inferior, obedient .. .that is my experience of some far Eastern cultures; even the wealthier counties.

The reviews of prostitutes working in flats etc mostly describe Eastern European and occasionally South American women with, again v poor English and an "attitude" (don't want to be there doing that). They refer to their gang member pimps as "Seghei".

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 15:29

(The men refer to them sarcastically/jokingly as Serghei).

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 15:32

*There are plenty of men who do not pay sex workers because the notion of exploiting vulnerable women is deeply problematic, and as a result, not sexy.

There are also men who, amazingly, just don't think paying a strange woman for sex is in any way normal.

Nowthatlovehasperished · 14/03/2023 17:13

Men are dogs, even the kind and caring ones.

I'm sorry, this is another hurt when you are trying to recover from your miscarriages.

JoonT · 14/03/2023 17:29

Try not to beat yourself up OP. It's just so easy. A man can scroll through hundreds of images on his phone before he's even got out of bed in the morning. His wife could be cleaning her teeth and he's laying there swiping through dozens of beautiful, airbrushed women.

To make it even worse, most men use porn, and the porn sites are often linked to massage parlours. So one thing leads to another. I bet there are women reading this whose husband has visited an escort without them knowing it.

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 22:25

Nowthatlovehasperished · 14/03/2023 17:13

Men are dogs, even the kind and caring ones.

I'm sorry, this is another hurt when you are trying to recover from your miscarriages.

Some men are.

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 22:26

Being "kind and caring" is an oxymoron alongside the subject of this thread ..... So they are be default not kind and caring.

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 22:26

*by default

Livinginanotherworld · 14/03/2023 22:29

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 05:02

You're right to be upset. But I think women tend to underestimate how strong some men's sex drives are. Yes, I know loads of women will pipe up going they have high sex drives too, but, on average, men have higher sex drives and regular sex takes a higher priority in a relationship for them. How large a crime he has committed will depend on how long you've gone without sex with your husband (months? years?), and what the dynamics around this have been. Has he been explicitly asking and you've been rejecting? In what manner have you been rejecting? You need to have a frank conversation with him about what made him go down this path and how frequent it's been. Has he been doing anything else like having actual sex with prostitutes or with other women? If it's been massage parlours only and nothing else, I'd be inclined to forgive him if he promises never to do it again. This inclination (to forgive) will increase the longer it has been since you two have had sex and whether he has raised this issue of lack of intimacy before and what your response has been. This is what I would do if it happened to me anyway.

What the actual fuck ? You are obviously a man !

username1722 · 15/03/2023 22:19

I couldn't be with someone like that. Him having a higher sex drive is no reason for him to cheat, especially when you're going through stuff yourself at the moment.

Let's face it, you don't trust him and you know deep down that he's a liar. Don't waste your time with someone like that.

JessLux · 16/03/2023 00:23

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monsteramunch · 16/03/2023 00:28

@JessLux

So not in any way similar to OP's experience then, as her partner has done this without her knowledge and she is understandably devastated.

Getting wanked off for a fiver by a woman who may be trafficked, coerced, abused or otherwise vulnerable isn't something people do if they respect women tbh.

Each to their own though.

Gigglemous · 16/03/2023 02:16

I'm no shrink but I could bet that the reason behind you suffering so much is because deep down you know he isn't the person you want him to be.
I am by no means minimising the trauma of having a miscarriage but he should be nurturing you through this as well as himself. Lots of gentle loving, no time for stuff like sex.
He isn't the man for you OP. He isn't there for you when you've experienced such heartache. He cheated on you. And now he's paying for sex/sex acts which is diabolical.
You deserve so much better.
Please leave this awful human and work on your health and heal without him weighing you down like this.
And remember. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You haven't deprived him. He just hasn't stepped up as a partner should.
You will get through this x

Moser85 · 16/03/2023 02:57

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 11:03

I never said these things were fine. I was saying these are the things that could have been going on in his mind. Yes, a man could definitely think it would be better for himself and his family if he could have sex outside the marriage occasionally than leave his wife and young kid. I mean, the number of men that do exactly that must mean quite a lot of men think this way. Does this mean I condone it? No. But lots of men do this. Perhaps that's what OP's husband was doing. Whether that's acceptable to the OP can only be answered by the OP herself.

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No I've seen men discuss this elsewhere and they're thinking about their own feelings.
They don't want to leave their wife and kid because it's better for themselves to be with them, they don't want to give up their home life.

They're not martyrs thinking about their wives best interests 😂

GG1986 · 16/03/2023 03:56

Eyerollcentral · 14/03/2023 04:28

You are married. He is supposed to stick by you through sickness and health. Not get a hand job off a probably trafficked woman because he is wife is ill. You need to take this back to basics, he is breaking the vow he made to you to suit himself. You need to face this head on, be honest and tell him it’s not acceptable. Only you will be able to decide if his response to that is genuine contrition but if not how could you trust him again?

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This!!!!

Devilwearprada · 16/03/2023 04:06

"Men are dogs, even the kind and caring ones." Change the word men to women and imagine the reaction to a bunch of men talking about women in this fashion.
There are some very bitter posters on MN sadly.

It's interesting as it's assumed it's a male problem this entitlement for sex. My old uni friend cheated on her husband multiple times, unashamedly, he has long term health issues, she wasn't 'fulfilled' or felt 'desired' appatently and thought she was entitled to cheat. So, you get the idea!

GoldDuster · 16/03/2023 08:41

they appreciate having a controlled and safe environment rather than a drunk, sweaty man by himself trying to demand sex.

I don't think it's easy to speak about what they appreciate about wanking other peoples' husbands off for money, because you only know what you see because you're paying them.

GoldDuster · 16/03/2023 08:41

.... although it all sounds very romantic.