Husband using “massage” parlours

[2018mama]

I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 6 years.

We have a 4 year old and history of miscarriages. Latest miscarriage was traumatic and due to that and other things my mental health hasn’t been in the best place. That’s had a huge effect on our sex life, majorly. I am going through counselling to deal with this at the moment but today when I was working for hubby a confirmation of appointment text came through (connected to the MacBook) about a massage with a “happy ending”. He’d told me he was “going to his last job” so I text him with minutes to spare “enjoy your last job!!!”. he didn’t go, I assume because of this! He denied he was even going to go and said “the thought of it was better”. I’ve checked the rest of his phone and there’s at least 2 other occasions arranging or intending to arrange an appointment.

I suppose my question is, am I wrong for being angry when I’ve “deprived” him of it?

If ops h was suffering a period of poor mental health and lack of sex drive due to trauma, and she had organised some "happy ending" massages with a male escort - at the very least - stimulating her manually (and him also being topless or naked since female masseurs are for a small price), we'd be thinking;

• Why doesn't she just masturbate?

• She's cheating

• She's lying

• She crosses over to the sex industry rather easily

• She's wiling to risk her marriage if caught

• She's willing to risk her spouse (and father to her child)'s MH even further if caught

• She's sloppy about getting caught.

Would we be suggesting he go for counselling and hang on with this low morality, cavalier, selfish, deceptive, shit partner material slapper? Would we fuck.

And not just the act of sex but the lying. How anyone can say his need for sex is more important than her mental and physical health and the honesty in their relationship is beyond me. It’s okay that he is cheating, secretly using sex workers and lying, because he is a man and he needs an orgasm. She has no idea if he has had full sex, if he’s used protection, nothing. No fucking wonder women are still treated how they are, are still raped and abused on a daily basis. Because not only are they apologising for each other, but some women are tripping all over themselves to be a pick me girl too and make excuse for horrific behaviour.

He’s chested, he has lied, he is deleting messages so is probably planning on more lies and a nice bit of gaslighting. His need for sex does NOT outweigh any of this @GBoucher and the fact that you are continuing to defend his behaviour and still lay blame at her door in this is massively worrying.

Okay, I am giving the OP my opinion. If I had no physical contact with my husband for years on end, rejected him whenever he made a move, ignored his pleas when he told me he was finding the situation really tough to bear (obviously this is conjecture. I don't know if OP's husband actually did this, which is why I said what she should do would depend on exactly what had gone on between the OP and her husband regarding this matter up to this point), and then later found out that he had been getting handjobs by a sex worker, I could find a case for forgiving him and trying to remedy the situation. I also said she needed to find out exactly what her husband had done. If it turned out to be more than a handjob, I would find it hard to forgive him. I definitely wouldn't let it go if he had been shagging the neighbour or a work colleague, for example. The point is, it all depends on what's gone on between the OP and her husband, what exactly the husband has been up to, how remorseful he is, how much I can trust him to not fuck up again going forward, and so on. I am shocked by the people on this thread who don't care about the details but think the OP should just LTB, end of story. I bet they wouldn't be so cavalier about their marriage.

@2018mama is not getting the support she needs if a certain poster keeps hijacking thread.

I never said these things were fine. I was saying these are the things that could have been going on in his mind. Yes, a man could definitely think it would be better for himself and his family if he could have sex outside the marriage occasionally than leave his wife and young kid. I mean, the number of men that do exactly that must mean quite a lot of men think this way. Does this mean I condone it? No. But lots of men do this. Perhaps that's what OP's husband was doing. Whether that's acceptable to the OP can only be answered by the OP herself.

@GBoucher

obviously this is conjecture. I don't know if OP's husband actually did this

which makes it not particularly helpful to the OP, wild speculation on what conversations have or have not taken place. Maybe if we try and base replies on what is in her post rather than make things up, might be more what she was looking for?

@GoldDuster okay, that made me laugh 😂

@GBoucher you’re STILL blaming the OP for her partners fucking cheating!!!!

The shit you’ve written about her ‘ignoring his pleas’ is victim blaming.

STOP BLAMING WOMEN FOR SHITTY MEN.

Well, I agree. As usual, the person asking for advice has not given enough details for the those being asked for advice to actually make a judgement call. I think what she should do depends entirely on the answers to the questions I have posed that she has not answered. She doesn't have to answer on this forum if she doesn't wish to. But yes, I believe whether she divorces him or tries to find another solution depends on what he's done, what she's done, what kind of conversations have taken place so far between them, how remorseful he is, etc. What does not help the OP is a blanket LTB verdict without knowing any of these facts.

So true

This.

I’d rather DH had an affair than got involved in the exploitation of prostitutes. 🤢

Anyway. I’m am so so sorry about the miscarriages OP. But what your husband is doing isn’t ok. Even if it’s only a fantasy (which seems unlikely) it isn’t ok to book appointments with prostitutes and not turn up either.

Op, have you had any std screening during your pregnancies?

Men caught booking sex workers are often lying about what they've done and not done.

They also tend to seize upon the nearest, most convenient excuse (usually throwing it back onto the betrayed partner as something they've "failed on") when caught; but sometimes the behaviour started long before that "excuse" happened and is not actually anything to do with it.

Has he been explicitly asking and you've been rejecting? In what manner have you been rejecting? You need to have a frank conversation with him about what made him go down this path and how frequent it's been

please, please reread your own comments. This is just constantly making out it’s her fault. What ‘made’ him go down this path is selfishness, self interest and a lack of care and morality. Not because of how or how often she has rejected him.

You sound like you are doing your best OP to address the upsetting situation you're in, which is absolutely not of your making and must have been so difficult to deal with, in a positive constructive way by engaging with therapy.

In contrast, he is visiting sex workers.

In answer to your initial question, you're not wrong for being angry about what you have discovered, its completely understandable, it's a massive let down and a betrayal and it would alter my perception of someone entirely.

Boucher is very naive indeed about men caught using sex workers.

This rarely is without precedent and they will lie til the cows come home about their involvement and their motivations.

It’s so weird to support a person using sex workers behind their partners back just because that person might want more sex.

I’ve got to step back from this thread as it’s so depressing. Women being made vulnerable left, right and centre here all because a man ‘needs’ an orgasm. And the more people apologise for such behaviour, the more women around the world continue to be in danger. It’s just ridiculous.

Absolutely right to suggest the OP gets a sexual health test too.

Good luck Op, I hope you find the strength to leave. X

I agree with this entirely. I would be devastated if this happened to me and I would lose my shit for sure. But without knowing the full facts, I can't say if the best solution is to divorce him or try to put it behind you and save the marriage together. It's easy for complete strangers on the internet to say he's a scumbag, leave him, but in all honesty, if I were faced with this situation, I don't think I would find it so unequivocal and easy.

I'm sorry OP I could never, ever get past this.

To answer your questions (I’ll try and get them all). Yes we have had conversations about it and he appeared to understand the situation and the effect our “journey” has had on my MH. He is aware I am doing weekly counselling sessions (with particular regard to the trauma and effect it has had on me and our relationship). He’s not using this as an excuse for doing it but of course it’s made me think “is it my fault”. But like some have said, if he couldn’t have sex for whatever reason, I wouldn’t be looking elsewhere!!!

We made a promise many years ago we would never cheat and if we felt this inclination then we would talk/separate before it happened. That conversation has never been had.

When I confronted him about it, he tried to lie - he looked for a massage that looked legit on Gumtree!! My husband is materialistic and he’d NEVER “treat” me to a massage from Gumtree so I know just by that he’s full of shit! When I went to “put my mind at ease” to recheck the messages, they had been deleted.

He previously badmouthed his pal for using prostitutes!!!

But I don't think the most constructive attitude is to say, he has his right hand, there was no need for this, how dare he has sexual needs when his wife is depressed, he's a cunt.

Nobody has said that though have they?

They've essentially said how dare he cheat on his depressed wife by paying a (more likely than not trafficked or otherwise vulnerable) woman to wank him off, displaying a total lack of respect for women in general (both his wife and the woman in question), he's a cunt.

Quite different.

I would rather my partner cheated on me with anyone but a sex worker, not because of any judgement on sex workers themselves but because I think men who pay for sexual contact (whether a hand job or full sex or anything in between) with woman are absolutely disgusting, because they cannot know 100% for sure that the woman hasn't been trafficked, abused, pressured, assaulted... but they're willing to run the risk for an orgasm.

I'm so sorry OP this must be so hard to find out.

I just couldn't get past the fact that while you've been researching and engaging with a counsellor, he's been calling sex workers off Gumtree and then lying about it, and deleting the evidence.

The contrast is so stark, in your responses to the stress your relationship has been under, and have every right to feel how you feel.

@GBoucher

No, but there's a big gap between fucking your wife whenever you want and getting zero sex for years on end... I don't know many men who would settle for zero sex for years on end. I don't know a lot of women who would settle for zero sex for years on end, either.

I don't think I could be in a sexless relationship either.

But I wouldn't feel it gave me the right to cheat.

And I certainly wouldn't feel it gave me the right to pay for access to people's bodies.

I would be a grown up and end the relationship.