Husband using “massage” parlours

[2018mama]

I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 6 years.

We have a 4 year old and history of miscarriages. Latest miscarriage was traumatic and due to that and other things my mental health hasn’t been in the best place. That’s had a huge effect on our sex life, majorly. I am going through counselling to deal with this at the moment but today when I was working for hubby a confirmation of appointment text came through (connected to the MacBook) about a massage with a “happy ending”. He’d told me he was “going to his last job” so I text him with minutes to spare “enjoy your last job!!!”. he didn’t go, I assume because of this! He denied he was even going to go and said “the thought of it was better”. I’ve checked the rest of his phone and there’s at least 2 other occasions arranging or intending to arrange an appointment.

I suppose my question is, am I wrong for being angry when I’ve “deprived” him of it?

isn't beyond the realm of possibility

But I think women tend to underestimate how strong some men's sex drives are

Irrelevant.

If you are in a relationship you don't cheat - paid or otherwise.
If you really can't cope without whilst your wife is going through a difficult, and traumatic, time then leave the relationship before looking elsewhere.
He could relieve his sexual wants (it isn't a need, it's a want) without cheating - he has ways and means of relieving that himself.

He denied he was even going to go and said “the thought of it was better”. I’ve checked the rest of his phone and there’s at least 2 other occasions arranging or intending to arrange an appointment.
...... Even more suspect, he’s now deleted all the messages!

I'm really sorry but I seriously doubt he's never followed through.

What people find it often the tip of the iceberg.

He could have sorted himself out. He has the type of character and values wherein he gives himself permission to cheat on his spouse and mother of his child and gives himself permission/crosses the line into using essentially prostitutes in sex industry establishments. The massage is an aside, it's a sex service. If you wanted an actual massage you'd book one with a legit qualified masseur.

When you have that type of character and values, you don't just suddenly become like that .... Youve always had that character & those values, and you rarely rarely change.

It's a pity he is the father to your first child but he doesn't have to be the father to any subsequent children.

You will never know if he's doing this again. He'll just learn to hide it better.
He's a very poor bet.

@GBoucher

You do know that people don't visit "Massage Parlours" for a massage? And that a Massage Parlour is a way of gathering sex workers together under a roof and with a name that's a bit more acceptable than "Prostitue Parlour"?

They're not really anything to do with Massages, the people that work in there aren't qualified in Massage, just checking we know that, right?

OP this is not your fault, at all. His denial only makes it worse.

I can’t help but this time blame myself - what else can I expect?

He will let you blame yourself all day long rather than take any accountability for the fact that your relationship is over because of his habit of visiting sex workers.

Let him wear it. Don't cover this up for him, you have got absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Please don't blame yourself. Being in a partnership means being there for the good times and the hard times.
If the situation was reversed would you consider it cheating if you were booking massages with the intention of sexual contact? I think you would. Maybe you could ask him to pay for you to have the same massage and watch his face - it will tell you everything you need to know. ( obs don't go through with it)
I'm sorry you are having such an awful time but you really need to consider whether this is a person you want to have another baby with. 💐

am I wrong for being angry when I’ve “deprived” him of it?

You have not deprived him of it. You are not a sex provider, you are not a sex appliance, you are a person and a partner. A rounded, real person. A person who's going through a patch of sad, traumatic pregnancy losses and related poor MH. He should be supporting you and sorting himself out; not betraying you, deceiving you, cheating on you and using prostitutes.

No-one decent would go down the route of either infidelity or prostitute use.

That is sociopathic - at all, bit especially in the circumstances.

Do you seriously think loads of couples don't experience lapses or ebbs and flows in their sex lives due to lots of factors like birth injuries, depression, bereavement, medication, erectile dysfunction, health conditions etc etc? Do they all cheat? Do they all use sex workers

Neither men nor wen are entitled to sex on their terms at all times in a relationship; no reasonable, decent person would expect it. If it's long-term etc their only decent options are to discuss it seriously and thoroughly with their partner and agree ab open relationship or end the relationship. People who don't just want yo cake eat.

People who don't, just want to cake eat.

My DH and I didn't have sex for over a year after each of our babies were born. And even after that, we probably did it less than 5 times the following year. I was tired, I hated my body, struggled with MH, felt touched out. Just didn't want sex at all.

Do you know how many times my husband put pressure on me? Or asked me to think about his "needs"? Or withdrew from me emotionally? Or exploited other women for sex? Zero. On all counts.

Men don't need sex. Sure, sex is (for most people) an important part of a healthy romantic partnership, but a partner who loves you will always be primarily concerned with your well-being. A loving husband doesn't pressure his traumatised and unwell wife into having sex. And even a half decent man (married or single) doesn't exploit women by paying for sex. If it becomes apparent that the situation is never going to change and one partner does not want to have a sexual relationship again in the future, then of course the other partner is free to leave if they aren't happy with that. What is not OK, is to secretly have sex with other women behind their spouse's back.

This is not your fault. He is an inadequate man.

On the general subject of sociopathic behaviour and values - who h applies to your h (and our little crazy poster in this thread); the view that a partner is a service providers/provide functions and can be substituted or sub contracted if they don't provide those services for any amount of time and deceived about ..... Is sociopathic, beyond selfish etc.

By that rationale if your h eg;

• wasn't able to have sex as much as you preferred for any period of time due to eg depression, health problems, ED .... It would be acceptable for you to seek sex elsewhere , I clouding with male escorts, and lie to him about it.

• was thought to be the issue for your recurrent miscarriages (or you even just suspected you were a poor genetic match) ... As a service/function provider he would not be fulfilling that service adequately and you could find and use another sperm donor, and lie to him about it

• was made redundant or couldn't work due to ill health or similar and was failing to fulfil his service/function provider as partial or main breadwinner in your household; you could search for and set up a replacement and lie to him until you dumped him.

Of maybe you want to earn extra money to make up for his lack, by doing sex work. You'd be doing the services he pays other women to do .... And there's clearly not much wring with that according to eg Gboucher, so what would he wring with you doing it, and not telling him?

After all, if a partner is just a provider of services who can be substituted while they not providing that service, and lied to about it .. .. why not?
Decent people, empathetic people, people with integrity ..... don't think act act like that.

@GBoucher seriously???!!! i think if i was in this position I would rather my husband paid for us to go for relationship counselling to discuss the impact of lack of sex and miscarriage trauma...wouldn't this be the loving thing to do rather than paying for prostitution???

*Decent people, empathetic people, people with integrity ..... don't think or act like that.

@GBoucher If men can't control themselves sexually then they shouldn't leave the house.

Absolutely gross.

I'd leave him.

@GBoucher no, just no.

5 minutes, 5 years or 5 decades without sex, no one is entitled to purchase the body of another human for their sexual gratification. To think otherwise is abhorrent.

OP none of this is your fault. You deserve so, so much better than this excuse for a man.

I know someone who is married to a man who cannot "provide" a regular, functional sex life (with penetrative sex anyway) due to Diabetes. His condition has also meant fertility issues for them. She is also financially the main provider incidentally.

She hasn't cheated on him and she wouldn't, because she is a decent person ... Who has accepted his issues as part of him and as part of a real relationship with a real human being. That's what she signed up for when she got into an exclusive monogamous relationship with him and even more so when she married him. And for her, it's long-term, it's not even relatively short-term.

Before the double standarded chauvanists and male apologists come on and and say "oh well she's a woman" ... There are plenty of men who also accept issues and limitations that are not their ideal in terms of sex life etc due to all sorts of issues ... Because they are decent people, and they care about their partner, see them as a person, and wouldn't treat them in a way they wouldn't want treated themselves.

so he thought the solution was to get handjobs on the sly.

There's not a huge deal of difference between a hand job from a stranger in a massage Parlour/knocking shop and just wanking ..... Is it worth the cost, and cheating on and lying to your wife & mother of your child? Or has he been doing more .....

Ahhh it was just Handjobs on the Sly, what a hero! A role model, a man of integrity. Phew.

Your assertion that the male sex drive is higher is factually incorrect.

More importantly, men aren't entitled to use women for sex on their terms, if you marry a woman you do not get the right to fuck her whenever you want, the other option being, that you will go down to the local brothel and find another woman to relieve you and the wife should think herself lucky that you didn't leave her.

That might be how it works in your house, but not in mine.

Right. Then the OP would have read like this: 'I'm depressed after miscarrying and my husband wants us to have counselling for lack of sex'

The replies? Yep. LTB

Or for those who've said the husband should have divorced not cheated?

'My husband divorced me for not having sex with him due to my depression.'

Can you imagine the outrage?

Everyone who has replied on this thread seems to have only have solution. The husband should just be a monk until the end of time. Yes, it's a nice thought. But I don't think this can ever realistically happen.

@2018mama stop blaming yourself and stop doing that right now. There are no excuses for cheating, none. He could have made other choices but chose to do this, you did nothing to make him do it. Cheating is a deliberate personal choice, it’s his responsibility, we are not responsible for the choices made by other people. I am so sorry for all the trauma you have been through, sufferering miscarriages and understandably suffering with your mental health as a result. Your husband should understand why your sec life has taken a nosedive and should be on board with supporting you through that and discussing what needs you both have, and how to get those needs met within your marriage. Instead he decided to selfishly pursue getting his needs met in a way which risked your health further and in a way which if discovered was going to devastate an already traumatised wife even further. What happens next is up to you and your husband, you need an open and honest conversation about what he has been doing and for how long, about where you both are in the marriage and what you both need, and a way forward. If he continues to lie or refuses to take responsibility for his selfish, poor choices and refuses to engage in honest constructive conversations, then you can presume that he has justified it all in his head with a ‘poor me’ victim narrative, has no desire to take responsibility or change his behaviour. If you think you can accept the fact that he cheated and want to give him a chanceI, then I would give him a clear choice about what happens next, on your terms. With no implied consequences or acceptance of responsibility then sadly it will be extremely hard to move forward with him. He will be sticking rigidly in his head to “you wouldn’t give me sex so what do you expect “ as his excuse (excuse, mind, not valid reason) but this is just a narrative to avoid guilt and avoid responsibility for a choice which he knew was wrong and repugnant. Time for a full honest conversation. Take care OP, you really have been through more than enough. X

But in this case, perhaps the husband thought it would be worse for his wife and young child if he left the marriage, but at the same time he felt he couldn't live without any physical intimacy at all, so he thought the solution was to get handjobs on the sly.

And where in that thought process did he think how he would feel if he - due to depression/MH related to traumatic, sad experiences he's suffered - he had no or low sex drive for a period of time .... And op had organised massages involving clitoral rubbing and fingering to orgasm for herself with a male escorts behind his back??

You guys don't fucking like it when the shoes on the other foot hun, it's only ok when it's you doing it, not having it done to you.

I'm not sure where you live that there's no middle ground between being a Monk, and using prositutes?

and in a way which if discovered was going to devastate an already traumatised wife even further.

Another good point.

Would he be continuing the marriage and wanting to have sex with her if she'd done this.