Husband using “massage” parlours

[2018mama]

I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 6 years.

We have a 4 year old and history of miscarriages. Latest miscarriage was traumatic and due to that and other things my mental health hasn’t been in the best place. That’s had a huge effect on our sex life, majorly. I am going through counselling to deal with this at the moment but today when I was working for hubby a confirmation of appointment text came through (connected to the MacBook) about a massage with a “happy ending”. He’d told me he was “going to his last job” so I text him with minutes to spare “enjoy your last job!!!”. he didn’t go, I assume because of this! He denied he was even going to go and said “the thought of it was better”. I’ve checked the rest of his phone and there’s at least 2 other occasions arranging or intending to arrange an appointment.

I suppose my question is, am I wrong for being angry when I’ve “deprived” him of it?

Spot on here, trauma makes or breaks relationships in this case it’s broken beyond repair. Leave him with some dignity intact - you deserve better

Sympathise with the OP here and her circumstances, but many of the replies here are along the lines of “I’ve decided sex is over for me and so it’s over for you too”. And then we wonder why they cheat

Well I certain,y wouldn’t be touching him with a barge pole after this.

God only knows where he’s been 🤢

Hi OP

Lots of very concerning things here for me. Please remember this isn't your fault. Some awful things have happened to you but you're actively trying to improve things and getting counselling, partly to improve your sex life. You're doing as much as you reasonably can, other than forcing yourself to have sex which no decent man would want you to do. You've had discussions with him about the effect on him, so have been considering him even when you've gone through a shit time.

He, on the other hand, has -
Lied to you about how he was feeling about the lack of sex when you specifically tried to speak to him about it
Exploited sex workers
Let you down and thought only of himself when you needed him most
Minimised and lied and deleted evidence when confronted instead of giving you full disclosure so you can make an informed decision about where to go from here

His behaviour has been completely disgusting and I'm not sure you'll ever be able to fully trust him again (especially when he is not being fully honest about all the appointments he 'booked but didnt go to').

He is likely to continue to minimise but more will gradually come out about what he has been up to, though not the full story. When it does come out he might make out it's not a big deal. He might then blame you or tell you he was protecting your feelings by not putting pressure on you.

You dont need to do anything now. I'd tell him you need space to process this. And get an STI check just in case. And continue with the counselling and see how he acts - if he realises the extent of his betrayal and tries to do everything to regain your trust, or if he tries to brush it under the carpet.

But just remember if he hadnt been able to fulfill any part of what you consider to be your relationship temporarily due to illness...would you ever in a million years have considered going behind his back to get that want fulfilled elsewhere?