Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Husband using “massage” parlours

154 replies

2018mama · 14/03/2023 00:05

I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 6 years.

We have a 4 year old and history of miscarriages. Latest miscarriage was traumatic and due to that and other things my mental health hasn’t been in the best place. That’s had a huge effect on our sex life, majorly. I am going through counselling to deal with this at the moment but today when I was working for hubby a confirmation of appointment text came through (connected to the MacBook) about a massage with a “happy ending”. He’d told me he was “going to his last job” so I text him with minutes to spare “enjoy your last job!!!”. he didn’t go, I assume because of this! He denied he was even going to go and said “the thought of it was better”. I’ve checked the rest of his phone and there’s at least 2 other occasions arranging or intending to arrange an appointment.

I suppose my question is, am I wrong for being angry when I’ve “deprived” him of it?

OP posts:
billyt · 14/03/2023 10:03

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 05:02

You're right to be upset. But I think women tend to underestimate how strong some men's sex drives are. Yes, I know loads of women will pipe up going they have high sex drives too, but, on average, men have higher sex drives and regular sex takes a higher priority in a relationship for them. How large a crime he has committed will depend on how long you've gone without sex with your husband (months? years?), and what the dynamics around this have been. Has he been explicitly asking and you've been rejecting? In what manner have you been rejecting? You need to have a frank conversation with him about what made him go down this path and how frequent it's been. Has he been doing anything else like having actual sex with prostitutes or with other women? If it's been massage parlours only and nothing else, I'd be inclined to forgive him if he promises never to do it again. This inclination (to forgive) will increase the longer it has been since you two have had sex and whether he has raised this issue of lack of intimacy before and what your response has been. This is what I would do if it happened to me anyway.

Stop making excuses for cheating.

Due to my wife's ill-health we haven't had any form of a sex life for over ten years. I have (had) a strong sex-drive but not once did I EVER think of cheating. My loyalty and vows are to my wife not controlled by my sexual needs. And it would certainly never enter my head to use. massage parlour etc.

I think someone needs morals.

NotJohnWick · 14/03/2023 10:03

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 05:02

You're right to be upset. But I think women tend to underestimate how strong some men's sex drives are. Yes, I know loads of women will pipe up going they have high sex drives too, but, on average, men have higher sex drives and regular sex takes a higher priority in a relationship for them. How large a crime he has committed will depend on how long you've gone without sex with your husband (months? years?), and what the dynamics around this have been. Has he been explicitly asking and you've been rejecting? In what manner have you been rejecting? You need to have a frank conversation with him about what made him go down this path and how frequent it's been. Has he been doing anything else like having actual sex with prostitutes or with other women? If it's been massage parlours only and nothing else, I'd be inclined to forgive him if he promises never to do it again. This inclination (to forgive) will increase the longer it has been since you two have had sex and whether he has raised this issue of lack of intimacy before and what your response has been. This is what I would do if it happened to me anyway.

Fuck me
Is this for real?

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 10:04

He will be sticking rigidly in his head to “you wouldn’t give me sex so what do you expect “ as his excuse (excuse, mind, not valid reason) but this is just a narrative to avoid guilt and avoid responsibility for a choice which he knew was wrong and repugnant.

Yep, this.

There are also men who use prostitutes while having regular sex with their partners. Often it's not even about "not enough" sex.

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WorldAtOne · 14/03/2023 10:11

OP I have had sex with my husband once in nearly three years due to health issues. He isn’t using sex workers or cheating. He is caring and understanding, we talk about it and he never pressures me.

There are no excuses. You have every right to be angry and if I were you I’d be filing for divorce. He is putting his basic sexual needs over your health. Yes sex is important in a relationship but cheating and using sex workers is disgusting and if I were you I’d be leaving him. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Do NOT Let him gaslight you into believing nothing is happening by deleting messages. He is cheating on you and your health is not an excuse to do so.

WorldAtOne · 14/03/2023 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Then you don’t know many decent men. Or women come to that.

Don’t expect others to lower their standards just because yours are in the bin. OP has had a rough fucking time and this is a health issue. If your partner values his sexual needs over your health then you have a serious partner problem. Don’t excuse his cheating and using sex workers by using health issues.

Dumpruntime · 14/03/2023 10:12

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 09:57

so he thought the solution was to get handjobs on the sly.

There's not a huge deal of difference between a hand job from a stranger in a massage Parlour/knocking shop and just wanking ..... Is it worth the cost, and cheating on and lying to your wife & mother of your child? Or has he been doing more .....

I strongly suspect many men who do this shit, will disagree that a solo wank and one where someone else is being degraded and paid tp do it for you has little difference

Thewookiemustgo · 14/03/2023 10:13

“Everyone who has replied on this thread seems to have only have solution. The husband should just be a monk until the end of time. Yes, it's a nice thought. But I don't think this can ever realistically happen.”
@GBoucher absolutely agree with you about the ‘divorce a depressed wife who won’t give me sex’ vs ‘expected to live like a monk’, nobody would want that, but the IP has fully acknowledged this and is going to counselling to remedy the situation. Waiting supportively until the counselling helps resolve it, maybe even getting on board and involved in that, mutually agreeing a way for him to be satisfied sexually during that period, would hardly be living like a monk and the by getting counselling for the sexual issues his wife has clearly indicated that she finds the situation a problem too and is working hard to resolve it. Living like a monk for the rest of his life isn’t an option, no, but she hasn’t said he’s got to. Cheating on your wife shouldn’t be an option, either.

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 10:14

@WhyIsBogdanSexy I was being facetious in response to GoldDuster's rather condescending 'You do know that people don't visit "Massage Parlours" for a massage? They're not really anything to do with Massages' comment.

Although, yes, I am somewhat familiar with the menu because I have heard things.

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 10:16

He will let you blame yourself all day long rather than take any accountability for the fact that your relationship is over because of his habit of visiting sex workers.

This.

How often to people get caught the first and only time they've done something.... The odds are very low indeed.

And you know/have proof it's not the first time, you just don't have the proof he followed through at least once .... But it's likely. For one thing he'd have problems making bookings if he cancelled or bailed everytime on arrangements.

He's deleting like mad.

Who knows what other addresses etc he's deleting from or you haven't seen.

The classic script from sex worker using men is not even sex/attention..... That's not usually the reason they use them though, they just like the variety. They like the experience.

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 10:17

Thewookiemustgo · 14/03/2023 10:13

“Everyone who has replied on this thread seems to have only have solution. The husband should just be a monk until the end of time. Yes, it's a nice thought. But I don't think this can ever realistically happen.”
@GBoucher absolutely agree with you about the ‘divorce a depressed wife who won’t give me sex’ vs ‘expected to live like a monk’, nobody would want that, but the IP has fully acknowledged this and is going to counselling to remedy the situation. Waiting supportively until the counselling helps resolve it, maybe even getting on board and involved in that, mutually agreeing a way for him to be satisfied sexually during that period, would hardly be living like a monk and the by getting counselling for the sexual issues his wife has clearly indicated that she finds the situation a problem too and is working hard to resolve it. Living like a monk for the rest of his life isn’t an option, no, but she hasn’t said he’s got to. Cheating on your wife shouldn’t be an option, either.

I must not be up to date on this thread because I have not seen the OP say she and her husband are going to counselling to remedy the problem.

WorldAtOne · 14/03/2023 10:18

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 10:17

I must not be up to date on this thread because I have not seen the OP say she and her husband are going to counselling to remedy the problem.

Show quote history

It’s in the original post.

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 10:18

*The classic script from sex worker using men is not enough sex/attention..... That's not usually the reason they use them though, they just like the variety. They like the experience.

GoldDuster · 14/03/2023 10:19

@GBoucher

Sorry if you felt I was being condescending. I was just checking as

Has he been doing anything else like having actual sex with prostitutes or with other women? If it's been massage parlours only and nothing else, I'd be inclined to forgive him

sort of sounded like you didn't think there was actual sex going on in the brothels he's visiting.

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 10:27

I think they should have a conversation about this issue. Whether between themselves or with a third party. Again, not having given more information, my guess is that either 1. the husband has been telling her how hard it is for him to live without physical intimacy for an indeterminate period but she has ignored his pleas, so he went to a massage parlour in desperation; or 2. he said nothing to the OP, possibly because he thought bringing up the issue of sex would not be very sensitive when his wife was ill, and thought he would get away with getting it elsewhere, hence, getting his needs met without hurting his wife.

What I think he should have done is talked to his wife about the issue, and if there was no solution whatsoever that could possibly bridge the gap for the rest of the foreseeable future, they should have separated. Because no, I don't think any man or woman should be forced to live without sex for the rest of their lives. A lot of people on this thread seem to think it is no big deal, but I don't see it that way.

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 10:29

GoldDuster · 14/03/2023 10:19

@GBoucher

Sorry if you felt I was being condescending. I was just checking as

Has he been doing anything else like having actual sex with prostitutes or with other women? If it's been massage parlours only and nothing else, I'd be inclined to forgive him

sort of sounded like you didn't think there was actual sex going on in the brothels he's visiting.

A massage with a happy ending in itself does not involve sex. It's just that - a massage with a handjob.

MistyFrequencies · 14/03/2023 10:29

SleepySlumber · 14/03/2023 00:11

Maybe rephrase your question to:

Am I wrong to be upset that my husband has secretly paid other women to relieve him sexually whilst I recover mentally from traumatic events?

In my opinion what he has done is vile and unforgivable - it’s cheating and he could have talked to you instead of going down this secret route for his own selfish needs.

If you’d not caught him out how far would he have gone with all of this secrecy?

Hard agree with this. I couldnt forgive my husband in this situation. Im sorry hes done this to you.

WorldAtOne · 14/03/2023 10:31

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 10:27

I think they should have a conversation about this issue. Whether between themselves or with a third party. Again, not having given more information, my guess is that either 1. the husband has been telling her how hard it is for him to live without physical intimacy for an indeterminate period but she has ignored his pleas, so he went to a massage parlour in desperation; or 2. he said nothing to the OP, possibly because he thought bringing up the issue of sex would not be very sensitive when his wife was ill, and thought he would get away with getting it elsewhere, hence, getting his needs met without hurting his wife.

What I think he should have done is talked to his wife about the issue, and if there was no solution whatsoever that could possibly bridge the gap for the rest of the foreseeable future, they should have separated. Because no, I don't think any man or woman should be forced to live without sex for the rest of their lives. A lot of people on this thread seem to think it is no big deal, but I don't see it that way.

Where did she say he was going to be forced to live without sex for the rest of his life? That isn’t even a consideration. Do you understand the effect that depression has on the brain and body? The OP said she was having counselling. She is trying to seek support to remedy the situation.

why are his sexual needs more important than his wife’s mental and physical needs? Her health?

There are no excuses for his behaviour, so stop trying to find one.

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 10:32

@GoldDuster and short of talking to him, she won't know what he's been up to. Why is everyone telling the OP her husband is a prick and she should leave him but no one thinks she should actually sit down and talk things through with him??

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 10:35

WorldAtOne · 14/03/2023 10:31

Where did she say he was going to be forced to live without sex for the rest of his life? That isn’t even a consideration. Do you understand the effect that depression has on the brain and body? The OP said she was having counselling. She is trying to seek support to remedy the situation.

why are his sexual needs more important than his wife’s mental and physical needs? Her health?

There are no excuses for his behaviour, so stop trying to find one.

Show quote history

Read my post again. I said, if after discussions the OP and her husband came to the conclusion that 'there was no solution whatsoever that could possibly bridge the (sex) gap for the rest of the foreseeable future' they should separate.

GoldDuster · 14/03/2023 10:36

@GBoucher there is no point in speculating about the conversations OP may or may not have had with her husband. She is engaged in therapy and seems to fully understand the situation she is in. She has found evidence that he has visited prostitutes on several occasions.

A massage with a happy ending in itself does not involve sex. It's just that - a massage with a handjob.

Out of interest, what's a handjob in a massage parlour? Is that not sexual contact with a ...sex worker? Or do you not see it like that?

WorldAtOne · 14/03/2023 10:37

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 10:35

Read my post again. I said, if after discussions the OP and her husband came to the conclusion that 'there was no solution whatsoever that could possibly bridge the (sex) gap for the rest of the foreseeable future' they should separate.

Show quote history

Which is what everyone else is saying or they’re telling her to leave him because he is cheating and lying. He IS being a prick by cheating on her and lying to her. The reason why doesn’t matter - he has cheated and lied. Why hasn’t he talked to her about his feelings?
You’re defending his behaviour and it’s really odd.

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 10:41

GoldDuster · 14/03/2023 10:36

@GBoucher there is no point in speculating about the conversations OP may or may not have had with her husband. She is engaged in therapy and seems to fully understand the situation she is in. She has found evidence that he has visited prostitutes on several occasions.

A massage with a happy ending in itself does not involve sex. It's just that - a massage with a handjob.

Out of interest, what's a handjob in a massage parlour? Is that not sexual contact with a ...sex worker? Or do you not see it like that?

You will see in my post that I was distinguishing between handjob from sex worker, penetrative sex with sex worker, sex with 'other', i.e., non-sex worker. Yes, in my view, they are in increasing order in terms of the extent of the crime. I don't think a handjob from a sex worker is as bad as sex with a colleague, for example. Perhaps you think they are all the same. i most definitely do not.

GoldDuster · 14/03/2023 10:44

@GBoucher

Ok, let's presume that the OP isn't as relaxed about her husband getting wanked off by sex workers in brothels as you are, and is really upset and angry about finding out this has been going on.

Swipe left for the next trending thread