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Original poster

The perils of a partly open relationship...

216 replies

OblongCircles · 13/03/2023 07:43

We are a married couple, both late thirties. Got together in our late teens.

My wife has always liked women as well as men, played around with some women before we were together, but never had a serious relationship other than me.

We've got a pretty good sex life. She's a bit into kink and roleplay, which I'm not, but I think we are both happy with it.

But (there was always going to be a but!)...

She would like permission to play around with women. Not to have a relationship or anything - just physical stuff.

I'm not super-keen on her doing this - it maybe selfish of me, but I'd rather have her to myself. Still, I don't think I would feel too threatened, or replaced, as long as she wasn't sleeping with other guys.

It also feels a bit one-sided. She said that she's happy for me to explore with men, but I'm straight, so don't want to! She says that she as she will only be seeing women outside our relationship (not men), that it would be wrong for me to see other women.

I don't know whether to:

(a) say no to the whole thing
(b) say okay, but insist that its open on my side to sleep with women
(c) open it up on her side only.

Has anyone been through this kind of thing?

Thanks!

OP posts:
Greenfairydust · 13/03/2023 08:25

I would say no.

You are not being selfish, you did not sign up for this: you entered into a monogamous relationship.

I am a bi woman too and there is no way I would try to force a long term partner accept the idea that I want to have sex with women and that it is OK as long as I don't do it with men...

Being bisexual does not mean you get a free pass to cheat.

I think she is pushing your boundaries with kink already and because you went along with it, although it is not something you enjoy, she is now pushing your boundaries further.

To me it all sounds very disrespectful.

AnyFucker · 13/03/2023 08:26

She is taking the piss

MichelleScarn · 13/03/2023 08:27

She is taking the absolute piss.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/03/2023 08:28

AnyFucker · 13/03/2023 08:26

She is taking the piss

Nailed it

ShandaLear · 13/03/2023 08:28

She shouldn’t have got married if she didn’t want to stay faithful. She’s changing the rules you agreed to and asking for permission to cheat on you. You are sexually mismatched. It’s up to you what you do with that information, but she’ll possibly cheat on you at some point in the future anyway as her needs aren’t being met.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/03/2023 08:29

She is taking the piss.

You either have an open relationship or you don't. You can't have a 'partly' open relationship.

If she wants to explore her bi-sexuailty then that's fine. And if you're not comfortable with that, that's fine too.

I don't think it's fair that she married you before doing this.

She's basically asking for your permission to cheat on you. Whether it's with men or women is not relevant.

LysHastighed · 13/03/2023 08:31

You can’t have a non-monogamous relationship if you are monogamous by nature. It’s a recipe for disaster.
I wouldn’t say she’s done anything wrong as she’s talking about it rather than doing it, but perhaps you could use some therapy to explore what’s missing for her.

AnyFucker · 13/03/2023 08:32

it’s not a “need” it’s a “want”

She wants to make herself feel like she is still a good guy despite shagging around on you, just because she asked you first

btw, even if you say no she is going to do it anyway

relationship over, I am afraid. Might as well face it now.

Annabananna1 · 13/03/2023 08:35

I think if you were to say an outright no, you risk losing your relationship.
If she is interested in women and hasn't had the chance to explore this, she might choose that journey over staying with you.

Life is short and sex is very important for some people.

Is there a compromise here

Original poster
OblongCircles · 13/03/2023 08:35

@Greenfairydust

Sorry, I was unclear on the kink. I meant that we are both happy with our sex life, rather than the kink etc. I do try to go along with that a little bit (although I'm crap at it), but nowhere near as much as she'd like, and she doesn't push for more as she knows its just not me.

OP posts:
Original poster
OblongCircles · 13/03/2023 08:42

@Annabananna1

Yes, that's what worries me. We have been together a long time, but we don't have kids or shared assets or anything, so what keeps us together is just that we are happy with each other and with our relationship. If that changes...

She did explore a bit as a teen, but I suppose she's not explored as a mature adult. I don't know whether it is something she would just get out of her system after a while, or whether she would end up wanting to carry on like that forever.

OP posts:
josuk · 13/03/2023 08:42

I think if you don’t change something up - eventually resentment and frustration will accumulate (probably on both sides) would destroy your relationship.
it’s hard enough for couples that got together very young to keep their sexual energy going - and in your case - there is a gap in needs and wants.

Have you guys considered trying out something like KK? Explore and push boundaries together?

Personally - I don’t think opening only one side of relationship is fair - or going to work.

Marblessolveeverything · 13/03/2023 08:45

Well the only way this will probably work is either you both agree to an open marriage and set boundaries or you don't.

I think the idea of partial is unrealistic but I know of a couple of open marriages that are 20 years going strong.

Original poster
OblongCircles · 13/03/2023 08:47

@josuk

KK is Killing Kittens?

My wife has suggested we "play together" at those kinds of things in the past, but I'm not very comfortable at the thought of having sex, or even being naked and aroused, in front of groups of people. I know you can just go along and watch, but I'd hate to watch her with someone else, and I'd feel really embarrassed about touching someone else with my wife present.

I'm really not a total prude, I promise!

OP posts:
HappyKoala56 · 13/03/2023 08:48

She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Wants to explore with people she is attracted to, but doesn't want you to do the same. This has to be an open relationship or not, this half way option is totally one sided. Only you can decide if you would be comfortable with having a fully open relationship. Sadly I think this is likely her way of testing the waters to move on

Hoppinggreen · 13/03/2023 08:50

Well first of all stop calling it “playing around”, it’s sex, she wants to have sex with other people.
The fact that the other people are women is irrelevant as well.
The question is are you willing to let your wife have sex with other people? If not she needs to promise not to (and stick to it) or you need to split up.

SuperTrooper7 · 13/03/2023 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
OblongCircles · 13/03/2023 08:51

@HappyKoala56

Even if my wife did agree to a fully open relationship, I'd then be worried about her sleeping with other men. In a way I can understand her reasoning - I'm uncomfortable with her sleeping with the opposite sex, and she's uncomfortable with me doing so.

I can't really put into words why I hate the idea of her sleeping with men more than women. It sounds really sexist when I put it like that - it shouldn't make a difference.

OP posts:
Moredrama · 13/03/2023 08:51

Absolutely not. She basically wants to sleep with other people, it doesn’t matter their gender it’s still inappropriate unless you both agree that you want an open relationship. She’s only saying you can sleep with other men because she knows you won’t, so she gets the best of both worlds.
Personally I would never do this. Not only do I believe that marriage is a commitment and there’s no point if you’re going to sleep with other people, but you massively run the risk of one of you falling for someone else and ending the relationship.

If you feel willing to take the risk, then I would absolutely say that she has to agree to you sleeping with other women as well as it’s the only way to balance it out so you’re both going through the same experience. If she can’t agree to you doing it then why should she be able to?!

TheUsualChaos · 13/03/2023 08:52

As above, she is taking the piss. If she's not happy she should do the decent thing and leave.

A marriage means you have fully committed to each other for life, not dip in and out when you fancy it.

Choconut · 13/03/2023 08:54

I would want to know what's she's saying here - is it a case of you agree or she's going to leave?

Why does she get to decide the rules of your open marriage? That is taking the piss. Tell her if she wants an open marriage then it's completely open. If she wants a monogamous relationship then it's completely monogamous. She can't just have it all her own way.

Moredrama · 13/03/2023 08:56

OblongCircles · 13/03/2023 08:47

@josuk

KK is Killing Kittens?

My wife has suggested we "play together" at those kinds of things in the past, but I'm not very comfortable at the thought of having sex, or even being naked and aroused, in front of groups of people. I know you can just go along and watch, but I'd hate to watch her with someone else, and I'd feel really embarrassed about touching someone else with my wife present.

I'm really not a total prude, I promise!

You really don’t have to justify yourself OP. Your wife knew who you were when she married you. She can certainly discuss and try to explore new things but she can’t honestly expect you to do anything you’re not comfortable with.
You need to consider whether this relationship is still right for you. There are so many lovely women out there who would want you and only you, and not keep testing your boundaries

ditalini · 13/03/2023 08:56

You shouldn't feel embarrassed or selfish because of your sexual preferences.

It's fine for her to ask, but if you are monogomous by nature then that's the way you are.

It's also fine for her to decide to end the relationship if she's not getting what she wants sexually. You would likely be happier in the end, albeit it's sad when a relationship ends, than you would be trying to change your nature to suit her.

moofolk · 13/03/2023 08:58

Sorry to break this to you, but your wife is a lesbian.

The moment she sleeps with another woman she's going to leave you. You might as well let her go, as the alternative is she'll have an affair, maybe keep it secret, maybe it will go on for ages, and you'll be heartbroken.

She may well realise that she's not into the kink stuff with women. She's trying to push sex to extremes to convince herself she enjoys it.

JuliasBiscuit · 13/03/2023 09:02

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.