The perils of a partly open relationship...

[OblongCircles]

We are a married couple, both late thirties. Got together in our late teens.

My wife has always liked women as well as men, played around with some women before we were together, but never had a serious relationship other than me.

We've got a pretty good sex life. She's a bit into kink and roleplay, which I'm not, but I think we are both happy with it.

But (there was always going to be a but!)...

She would like permission to play around with women. Not to have a relationship or anything - just physical stuff.

I'm not super-keen on her doing this - it maybe selfish of me, but I'd rather have her to myself. Still, I don't think I would feel too threatened, or replaced, as long as she wasn't sleeping with other guys.

It also feels a bit one-sided. She said that she's happy for me to explore with men, but I'm straight, so don't want to! She says that she as she will only be seeing women outside our relationship (not men), that it would be wrong for me to see other women.

I don't know whether to:

(a) say no to the whole thing
(b) say okay, but insist that its open on my side to sleep with women
(c) open it up on her side only.

Has anyone been through this kind of thing?

Thanks!

''@moofolk

Sorry to break this to you, but your wife is a lesbian.''

Don't post this type of ignorant comment, please.

Some people are attracted to men and women.

The bisexuality is not the issue here it is the fact that the OP's partner is using it as an excuse to cheat.

I think you probably are fine with her sleeping with women but not men because on some level a woman doesn't feel like competition, it doesn't feel like "real" sex or attachment. I think this is a mistake. Bisexual people really do feel the same attraction to men and women, it's not like a kink to do sexual stuff with women, it's exactly the same as sleeping with a man in terms of desire and enjoyment. So if you agree to this, know what you're agreeing to: her having a full on sexual interaction with someone that SHE finds as attractive and desirable as she would a man.

I do understand how bisexuality works. My partner is bisexual.

As a lesbian that's how I'm reading the OP. Bisexuality does not necessarily lead to a desire to be unfaithful, but being gay in a straight relationship can and very often does.

it's up to you what you agree to, init.

You don't sound hugely compatible sexually - perhaps just due to getting together you g and now she wants to experiment.

There are very popular women only nights at sexclubs that are mainly bi or bicurious or bipretend women and they are mainly in hetero relationships but use the events to play with women (play is the wording used for sexclub interactions).

I know a couple of bi women whose husbands/partners feel threatened by it and won't let them go but most aren't bothered. That's for you and your partner to decide together, everyone is different.

Obviously It’s extremely one-sided OP.
I feel like she has a lot of gall to say you can’t sleep with other people you are attracted to, as that’s what she is asking to do.
This is about HER, she’s not considered you at all.

How is your relationship otherwise? Do you think she could want to leave but be too cowardly or dependant to do so?

I feel like a possible compromise would be for you to explore it together, i.e threeways. But depends if you want that.
I think open relationship can work (for short periods of time), but you have to be in a very strong, trusting, secure place from the beginning.

@Jujuj

Our relationship is pretty good - physically and everything else. She's certainly not expressed any dissatisfaction with any part of our relationship, and nor have I. We've never had any form of counselling, so maybe that's worth pursuing - just to maybe see if there are any other things going on behind the scenes.

She's never hidden her attraction for women, and we've always talked openly about it - we even have a shared list of celebrities we'd like to spend the night with! But it's only recently that she's expressed any serious wish to actually do anything about it.

You need to decide what is acceptable to you and make a decision, no one can do that for you.

What do you think would happen if you said no?

I think you have 3 choices really:

1. Agree to her terms. be un happy for life.
2. Leave the relationship and find someone more on your level
3. Ask her to just have threesomes with you and another woman but then could you trust her to stick to those terms and also would you want to have sex with another woman or watch her do it.

@RebelliousStarrChild I don't think me saying "no" would end our marriage, but it would probably make her unhappy, and maybe lead to some resentment.

@Thoughtful2355 I don't really want to have sex with another woman with my wife present, and I don't really want to watch her do so. I'd probably rather just let her see other women without me there.

I don’t think this is as catastrophic as some are suggesting. It sounds to me like she’s opened a conversation and you’re both feeling your way through. Am I right in thinking it’s all theoretical at the moment? (Ie she is genuinely asking you and not saying ‘I’m going to do this - like it or lump it’?)

I know people with arrangements like this. Not many but a couple. It can work but it demands complete transparency and communication. It also demands both parties to really, really examine their motivations.

There are options here - how would you feel if she only had one night stands? How would you feel if it was with one friend? What are your feelings on sex parties? How different are you sexually? Are you feeling like you have to do the kink stuff to keep her?

I’m bi and a bit kinky. My ex wasn’t. That wasn’t what broke us up but having a partner now who likes the same things I do is 100% better than having to shelve those things - as a feeling of someone ‘going alone’ with you is, for me, a complete turn off!

Life is long, people change. No one can expect someone they got together with decades ago to stay exactly the same.

talk it through, take it slowly, remember you’re both equally important.

@OblongCircles

KK is a female led space for exploration. And you don’t need to start with parties, or actually participate. There are socials, etc.
And plenty of people meet up in small groups - for eg you two can find a woman who would like to play with you two - with whatever boundaries you all agree to.

I get the attraction of KK but if OP doesn’t fancy group sex, and his wife is looking to explore with women and not him-and-women-together, it might not scratch the itch.
How would you feel about her going to Skirt Club? All women and less ‘commitment’ than her trying to ‘date’

(I mean, a side note but I found it very very hard to find bi women to date while single so the permission is only part of making this a reality!)

Say no.

It doesn’t matter why you don’t want this, you are entitled to feel how you feel (and the vast majority of people would feel the same way you do).

If she didn’t want a monogamous relationship she should never have married.

I find it really unattractive and nasty that she’s putting pressure on you to agree to her being unfaithful.

She's taking the piss.

She's bisexual so she's attracted to men and women. She wants to "explore" with women. Fine.

You're straight which means you are attracted to women. By the same parameters you should be free to "explore" with women.

She basically wants her cake and to eat it too.

I actually have a friend who is bisexual. Married to a man. She was having a relationship outside of her marriage with another woman. Husband knew and was fine with it. But he "wasn't allowed" to have any outside relationships with women. He is straight. Anyway, long story short he ended up sleeping with another woman a few times behind his wife's back. It created quite the mess within the marriage. They had to get counselling and now neither of them have relations outside the marriage.

This.
There’s a massive difference between your partner having sex with a woman than with a man.

Where there’s no difference is being intimate with another person and the feelings that might arise.

Where your situation @OblongCircles is really tricky is knowing whether this is just a burning curiosity that might be satisfied with a couple of encounters or whether it might be something more serious.

Btw, I am similar to you in that I wouldn’t really give much of a toss if my wife had sex with another woman. I have zero interest in being part of a love triangle though.

She want's your permission to cheat, if you don't give it she will go ahead anyway. Either way you are going to be unhappy. Time to call it a day before she rips your heart out without a backward glance.

I don't think you do have many options if she would be unhappy and resent you for it.

People encouraging you to explore the idea have missed out the fact you've repeatedly said you don't want to sleep with other men or women and don't really want to have a open relationship at all.
I think you are being put under pressure to consider doing something that you don't actually want to do and if you were a women these posters would respond very differently.
Your wife is trying to have her cake and eat it under the disguise of being Bi which is a really shitty thing to do. If this was truly just about exploring and no threat to your marriage she would be happy for you to explore in the ways that appeal to you too, the fact she doesn't want you sleeping with women shows she fully understands what position she would be putting you in but doesn't want that for herself. Very selfish imo.
I think you should ask her flat out what happens if your answer is no and won't change? What then?

I’ve been on one side of this conversation. I’m not going to say which side. I don’t think it’s relevant.

What is relevant is that your wife came to talk to you about it. She obviously has faith in your relationship to even start a conversation. So that’s a good starting point.

It’s also relevant that you haven’t dismissed her out of hand, but are thinking about it (ie considering her needs) And it’s highly relevant that you are processing your own feelings about it (ie considering your needs). All of this takes time to do properly.

The needs of both of you will undoubtedly have changed since you got together as teenagers (you don’t get together/get married and promise not to change!) The process of working out whether those needs are compatible still isn’t going to be a one off conversation. So, take your time, be curious about her. And be curious about yourself too. It’s perfectly valid to choose monogamy. But be someone who chooses it, not someone who defaults to it without questioning whether it really is giving you what you want.

I’d hope your wife is equally curious about understanding you and your needs. If she is, then you’ve got a good chance of figuring out something. If she isn’t….that shows signs of a relationship that has bigger issues beyond this one.

By the sounds of it you are intrinsically monogamous your wife is not. She has opened Pandora’s box and this could well be the beginning of the end of your marriage.

No ! She can’t have her fun and then say you can’t have yours

I’d call her bluff

but it’s also a rather grim situation for you
Do you really want to hit FEELD etc as a poly
man ?

maybe this Is a rather sad beginning of the end

Do you want to have sex with other woman?

Isn't what sets an enduring relationship apart from those relationships that will eventually breakdown, the ability to handle change and grow together?

I definitely didn't know as a teenager / 20-something all the things I would want to explore as I learned about my own sexuality. I hadn't even heard of some of the things I like now 😆

Of course lml but if one party is creating change that primarily benefits them and not allowing the other the same privileges then its not going to work is it?
some people will not mind if their partner has same sex sex on the side but a hell of a lot will.