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Original poster

The perils of a partly open relationship...

216 replies

OblongCircles · 13/03/2023 07:43

We are a married couple, both late thirties. Got together in our late teens.

My wife has always liked women as well as men, played around with some women before we were together, but never had a serious relationship other than me.

We've got a pretty good sex life. She's a bit into kink and roleplay, which I'm not, but I think we are both happy with it.

But (there was always going to be a but!)...

She would like permission to play around with women. Not to have a relationship or anything - just physical stuff.

I'm not super-keen on her doing this - it maybe selfish of me, but I'd rather have her to myself. Still, I don't think I would feel too threatened, or replaced, as long as she wasn't sleeping with other guys.

It also feels a bit one-sided. She said that she's happy for me to explore with men, but I'm straight, so don't want to! She says that she as she will only be seeing women outside our relationship (not men), that it would be wrong for me to see other women.

I don't know whether to:

(a) say no to the whole thing
(b) say okay, but insist that its open on my side to sleep with women
(c) open it up on her side only.

Has anyone been through this kind of thing?

Thanks!

OP posts:
LikeMindedLady · 14/03/2023 07:23

She says that she as she will only be seeing women outside our relationship (not men), that it would be wrong for me to see other women

I don't think right / wrong are helpful terms, or that it necessarily has to be a tit for tat agreement. It's not a one size fits all choice, it's for each couple to negotiate (and renegotiate as may times as they need to!)

@Wherearemymarbles If OP has a desire to sleep with other women then of course he should communicate that and negotiate with that in mind. If monogamy is the only relationship style he can ever envision he should communicate that too.

whyhere · 14/03/2023 09:05

Just want to say that you sound like a really nice man. Perhaps you deserve a nicer partner.......

Overandunderit · 14/03/2023 11:16

It's good she's been clear about what she needs. You have to decide whether you can accommodate it.

It doesn't sound like you actually want sex with anyone else in which case you should discuss with her about how much a of a dealbreaker this is and if it is a dealbreaker, probably end it.

Thisistyresome · 14/03/2023 12:20

Option d) - end it.

She know you are straight but tells you that it is ok if you slept with other men? Open relationships are almost always a bad idea, but when the party proposing it is taking the piss like this that is even worse.

I suspect she already has someone in mind. So you may be looking at an emotional affair which she is looking to make physical.

Run through a scenario, imagine you were to go with her plan. In this imaginary world you come home and say “yeh, I have been experimenting and this is working for me. It has been so good, that today I went to a gay orgy. I thought that would be much better as there are no emotions involved there.”

Do you think she would think that was great? If she did, would that change your opinion of your relationship with her?

OneOfEachPlease · 14/03/2023 16:16

Hey @OblongCircles how’s it going? Have you managed to have any further conversations?

Original poster
OblongCircles · 14/03/2023 16:39

@OneOfEachPlease

We did have a bit of a chat about it this morning. She says it is not a dealbreaker for her if I am really uncomfortable with it.

I asked her how she would feel about me seeing other women as well, and she looked quite upset and said she couldn't understand why I would want to. She said the only reason she would like to have sex with women is because I don't have a female body and so can't satisfy her desire for female touch, whereas I can get everything I need from her.

I've backed off from expressing any interest in that now, as it would very obviously put a real strain on our relationship. And she does have a point about why should I see other women - all I would get out of it is variety, and a feeling of equality. My wife 100% meets all of my needs in terms of sex, so its not like I would be going elsewhere to do things my wife won't or can't do.

OP posts:
Cleargreysky · 14/03/2023 16:49

You seem worried your marriage is at risk if you say no. But your marriage is also at risk if you say yes. Sex is rarely just sex and if she is meeting other women for sex there is every chance she will form a full emotional relationship with a woman she is having sex with.

So many people naively think they can 'open' their relationship and put boundaries around the types of attachments their partners have with the other people they are seeing, think they can limit it to 'just sex'. And then they get hurt when their partner falls in love with the person they are seeing. You cannot put limits on how someone feels about someone they are having sex with. You just can't. An open relationship does not change the fact that people want to have sex with people they like. And if they like the person and they are having sex with them, its not hard to imagine where that is likely to end up.

So my perspective is, do not consent to this to save your marriage.

Only consider how you genuinely feel about your wife having extra-marital relationships, and give you reply based on that. As my Dad used to say, 'when in doubt, tell the truth.'

Cleargreysky · 14/03/2023 17:01

I asked her how she would feel about me seeing other women as well, and she looked quite upset and said she couldn't understand why I would want to. She said the only reason she would like to have sex with women is because I don't have a female body and so can't satisfy her desire for female touch, whereas I can get everything I need from her

I don't really buy this. Many people don't get all their sexual desires met in a relationship, either because their partner is not into all the things they are, or their partner is not as good in bed as an Ex, but their other attributes compensate for this. They don't use this as a reason to have extra-marital sex.

I think your wife is trying to justify why she wants an extra-marital relationship but cannot cope with her feelings of jealousy if you do the same. She can safely open the option of you having sex with men as she knows you will never do this.

category12 · 14/03/2023 17:14

OblongCircles · 14/03/2023 16:39

@OneOfEachPlease

We did have a bit of a chat about it this morning. She says it is not a dealbreaker for her if I am really uncomfortable with it.

I asked her how she would feel about me seeing other women as well, and she looked quite upset and said she couldn't understand why I would want to. She said the only reason she would like to have sex with women is because I don't have a female body and so can't satisfy her desire for female touch, whereas I can get everything I need from her.

I've backed off from expressing any interest in that now, as it would very obviously put a real strain on our relationship. And she does have a point about why should I see other women - all I would get out of it is variety, and a feeling of equality. My wife 100% meets all of my needs in terms of sex, so its not like I would be going elsewhere to do things my wife won't or can't do.

Hahaha, no. She's pretending she's OK with an open marriage, but in reality she wants it open for herself, not for you.

It's bullshit that she won't get emotionally attached to a woman - she might well, and all the things you fear about her going with a man will just happen without a penis involved. She could fall in love. (She may also struggle to find female partners just for sex/kink, as it's not the amazing offer she may think it is - "I'll shag & go and not give a shit about you" 🙄.)

Saying you could experiment with men when she knows you're heterosexual is just self-serving cobblers.

Basically she wants you to take all the emotional risk of opening up the marriage and her to take none. 😂

You'd be silly to go along with it.

jemimapuddlepluck · 14/03/2023 17:17

OblongCircles · 14/03/2023 16:39

@OneOfEachPlease

We did have a bit of a chat about it this morning. She says it is not a dealbreaker for her if I am really uncomfortable with it.

I asked her how she would feel about me seeing other women as well, and she looked quite upset and said she couldn't understand why I would want to. She said the only reason she would like to have sex with women is because I don't have a female body and so can't satisfy her desire for female touch, whereas I can get everything I need from her.

I've backed off from expressing any interest in that now, as it would very obviously put a real strain on our relationship. And she does have a point about why should I see other women - all I would get out of it is variety, and a feeling of equality. My wife 100% meets all of my needs in terms of sex, so its not like I would be going elsewhere to do things my wife won't or can't do.

No. If you agree to this you need to insist that it means you are able to have sex with other women too. Whether you do or not. If you agree to this then please, believe me when I say, your wife will push and push the boundaries. Its human nature to do so. If she says you get everything you need from her blah blah, then just day you also want to explore your sexuality, just with other women. I cant believe she has said she can but you can't! With that attitude, I dont think this would end well for you if you agree to it.

Tannedandfake · 14/03/2023 17:40

So, in essence, she’s saying she has a right to see other women as she’s bi, but because you’re straight, you should just be happy with her?

orangesarethebestfruit · 14/03/2023 17:40

@OblingCircles personally I think it shows how strong your relationship is that she can be open to you about her sexual needs. It's not an easy thing to do and it shows she trusts you to express her feelings, she's being honest with you. I've had a similar chat with my partner and he understands that I love him completely but sexually it's impossible for him to meet my sexual needs. It's made us stronger, I love him even more for understanding and giving me his blessing. It's only sex, it doesn't need to be a big deal!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 14/03/2023 17:45

In my experience relationships that are only open one sided very rarely work out.

Both parties have to get something from the openness. It doesn’t work when one is exploring and one is compromising.

PetitPorpoise · 14/03/2023 17:53

No. Monogamy is monogamy. Bisexual doesn't mean you get to cheat on your partner!

orangesarethebestfruit · 14/03/2023 18:14

It's not cheating if it's been discussed and agreed in the relationship.

OneOfEachPlease · 14/03/2023 18:33

Thanks for coming back OP, not easy. It’s good you’ve managed to have another conversation. Tbh I think you need to keep talking through tears and upset. You both need to explore your full range of thoughts and feelings around this, I don’t think backing off will help you or her.

Someone suggested couples counselling up thread. That might be a good idea because having someone to mediate might help everyone be heard and understood.

I think you need to keep talking and revisiting this, it’s not the work of one conversation.

I also think some of the ‘this will wreck your marriage, she’s taking the piss’ hyperboles on this thread is unhelpful. You’re in a nuanced place, black and white thinking won’t help negotiate that.

has she suggested what boundaries she’d have to make sure this worked?

jemimapuddlepluck · 14/03/2023 18:34

orangesarethebestfruit · 14/03/2023 18:14

It's not cheating if it's been discussed and agreed in the relationship.

No it's not. But there's something 'off' if only one partner is free to sleep with other people and one is forbidden.

category12 · 14/03/2023 18:50

I also think some of the ‘this will wreck your marriage, she’s taking the piss’ hyperboles on this thread is unhelpful. You’re in a nuanced place, black and white thinking won’t help negotiate that.

She is taking the piss or certainly not being fair to suggest a straight man having the option to have sex with men as an equivalent to her as a bisexual person having the option to have sex with women.

orangesarethebestfruit · 14/03/2023 19:06

She wasn't taking the piss . Their relationship sounds both healthy and strong to be able to have these conversations.

category12 · 14/03/2023 19:12

orangesarethebestfruit · 14/03/2023 19:06

She wasn't taking the piss . Their relationship sounds both healthy and strong to be able to have these conversations.

Fine to have these conversations, and opening up a relationship is also fine if both parties want that - but "you can have sex with men darling" when he's straight is, if you're generous, ill-thought out - or disingenuous/a pisstake if you're less generous. 😂

ArcticSkewer · 14/03/2023 19:35

jemimapuddlepluck · 14/03/2023 18:34

No it's not. But there's something 'off' if only one partner is free to sleep with other people and one is forbidden.

Show quote history

Huge numbers of men don't see this as even being unfaithful - quite often they find it arousing! Op isn't one of them, but it's naive to think he represents the majority male reaction to this.

It's not all that great if you think about it - probably because real sex involves a penis hmmmm

Women, on the other hand, almost always react very badly to their male partner exploring his bi side.

Someone else said she might have problems finding a willing partner. Again, not true. There are a lot of club nights set up for this ... all women with their partner's permission for a night out.

YukoandHiro · 14/03/2023 19:37

Not quite the point of the post but if you're married you do have shared assets. Maybe you're not homeowners, if that's how you think of the word assets, but everything you have is shared by law

Wherearemymarbles · 14/03/2023 19:40

Hi Op,
On the basis it seems to be the case she meets all your sexual desires now and you have no interest in sex with others she might have a point but What happens if peri/menopause hits in a few years and she wants sex every six weeks and no longer meets your needs. I bet she still wouldn’t be happy for you to go elsewhere.

Drinkinggreentea · 14/03/2023 20:04

She should have thought about this before getting married. As everyone else is saying, she's absolutely taking the p!ss here. Don't be a doormat and go along with things that make you unhappy. I'm sorry to say it but I can't see this marriage working out long term as if you say no she'll probably cheat on you.

Moser85 · 14/03/2023 20:25

OblongCircles · 14/03/2023 16:39

@OneOfEachPlease

We did have a bit of a chat about it this morning. She says it is not a dealbreaker for her if I am really uncomfortable with it.

I asked her how she would feel about me seeing other women as well, and she looked quite upset and said she couldn't understand why I would want to. She said the only reason she would like to have sex with women is because I don't have a female body and so can't satisfy her desire for female touch, whereas I can get everything I need from her.

I've backed off from expressing any interest in that now, as it would very obviously put a real strain on our relationship. And she does have a point about why should I see other women - all I would get out of it is variety, and a feeling of equality. My wife 100% meets all of my needs in terms of sex, so its not like I would be going elsewhere to do things my wife won't or can't do.

Well she might meet 100% of your needs in terms of sex now, but what happens when she sleeps with other people?
Then the dynamic changes, then you will have a lot of mixed and probably negative emotions. How will those be dealt with?

You won't be able to enjoy new thrills with other people or new ego boosts or just new touch, new experiences, new intimate moments that could make up for what you're losing by letting her sleep with others.

So your sexual satisfaction is likely to go way down.

She said that she's happy for me to explore with men, but I'm straight, so don't want to! She says that she as she will only be seeing women outside our relationship (not men), that it would be wrong for me to see other women.

That's highly manipulative and she also knows it's not a fair deal. Even suggesting that and trying to pass it off as a fair deal is very telling, she's treating you like a fool.

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