The perils of a partly open relationship...

[OblongCircles]

We are a married couple, both late thirties. Got together in our late teens.

My wife has always liked women as well as men, played around with some women before we were together, but never had a serious relationship other than me.

We've got a pretty good sex life. She's a bit into kink and roleplay, which I'm not, but I think we are both happy with it.

But (there was always going to be a but!)...

She would like permission to play around with women. Not to have a relationship or anything - just physical stuff.

I'm not super-keen on her doing this - it maybe selfish of me, but I'd rather have her to myself. Still, I don't think I would feel too threatened, or replaced, as long as she wasn't sleeping with other guys.

It also feels a bit one-sided. She said that she's happy for me to explore with men, but I'm straight, so don't want to! She says that she as she will only be seeing women outside our relationship (not men), that it would be wrong for me to see other women.

I don't know whether to:

(a) say no to the whole thing
(b) say okay, but insist that its open on my side to sleep with women
(c) open it up on her side only.

Has anyone been through this kind of thing?

Thanks!

but your obviously not attracted to your husband enough so thats why you need to play with women, would you still stay with him if he wasnt into the idea of you having sex with other women?

I adore my husband and find him very attractive. He's gorgeous and he gets more attractive every year.
If he decided he didn't want me to be involved in Skirt Club anymore I'd stop instantly without question. That's always been our agreement.

Lol it seems like many women have been brainwashed by lesbian porn and nowadays every woman is bisexual, even if you date a woman shes eventually going to want to play with women
I don't watch porn, never have.
My female friends are definitely not bi-sexual.

We have set the boundaries in our relationship that work for us.
I don't want to have sex with any other man other than my husband. That's just how it is, I can appreciate attractive men but I don't want to have sex with them. That's just how I feel.

My DH doesn't want to have sex with anyone other than me.

Our relationship, our rules.

Look, I've answered your questions in good spirit despite some of your distasteful views.

I don't need to explain to you which sex I'm most attracted to or explain why i'm not in a relationship with a women.

I'm in the relationship I'm in, we're very happy and it works for us. That's really all you need to know.

Well you’d be very wrong.

He has sex with women and men. I have sex mostly with men, very occasionally women.

I don’t think you’re on the scene at all - there are far more couples that play/meet with men more than women. Far more.

No, it is a double standard. You are describing a personal double standard and a social double standard. The fact that there are different attitudes at a population level is still a double standard.

The issue is that people assume that any double standard are “bad” in some form. Some maybe but some may just be natural (which makes attaching a value judgement to them rather silly) and some may have a useful function.

Indeed.

the honesty is one of the most refreshing bits about it.

Its one of the things that’s been a much bigger issue on Fab since lockdown. There are far more guys on there looking for casual sex rather than swinging and they’ll lie to get it.

Genuine swingers are much more honest as there’s just not that “but that’s what I want so I’ll say whatever I have to to get it…”

This thread now seems to have moved in...unexpected directions now.

I just wanted to say thank you to those who have taken the time to provide a genuine perspective on my original post - particularly the posts from bisexual women in relationships - whether those relationships are fully open, fully closed, or somewhere in between. I've found that really useful.

I still don't know what I'm going to do yet, but I do feel a lot better informed, and perhaps able to make a better decision than I could have previously.

Thanks again.

@OblongCircles I’m so sorry that disingenuous poster created three different accounts to use your thread to have a go at bi women. They hang around looking for bi threads to spew hate on.

I do hope you and your wife continue to talk. I think you’ve been really thoughtful.

Again going to echo what others have said, honesty and communication are key! The women I have met who are meeting other women have always been very honest with each other about what they are looking for and generally seek out women in a similar position so that everyone is one the same page with similar boundaries and expectations.

Many women are not even turned on by the male body and yet still date men because they love our personalities and male energy.

That's incel script, and it's hilarious Bullshit.

Yes good point that people can assume any double standards are bad, however for anything related to sexuality etc. the 'double standard' is very much seen as a bad thing and manipulated to try to shame women into being as 'open minded as men'.

The poster I was replying to got my back up because she said.

women are notorious for hating being with bi men!
It's a definite double standard. Sorry about that!

It came across to me like the poster was apologising on behalf of women.

I think some of the judgements here are a bit harsh.

I really sympathise with you, and with your wife. You love her and want her to be happy but you also have boundaries and don't want an open relationship. She has a side to her that she wants to explore, but (presumably) loves you and wants to be honest with you.

Even if you were open to an open relationship, it's revealing that she doesn't want you to get together with another woman.

I'm lucky to have a very open DH, very good relationship, we're together 14 years, married nearly 11. He wanted to have the experience of other women, and I as a bisexual woman also wanted to have more experience with women. We both got into kink. It's been very enriching, albeit not with peril.

Fundamentally, an open relationship, or ethical non monogamy has to be agreed by both parties in the open relationship. And indeed by any other people involved - extra partners, etc.

I really hope you can resolve it. As JuliasBiscuit says above, you seem like a good man.

Big hugs in the meantime.