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Original poster

The perils of a partly open relationship...

216 replies

OblongCircles · 13/03/2023 07:43

We are a married couple, both late thirties. Got together in our late teens.

My wife has always liked women as well as men, played around with some women before we were together, but never had a serious relationship other than me.

We've got a pretty good sex life. She's a bit into kink and roleplay, which I'm not, but I think we are both happy with it.

But (there was always going to be a but!)...

She would like permission to play around with women. Not to have a relationship or anything - just physical stuff.

I'm not super-keen on her doing this - it maybe selfish of me, but I'd rather have her to myself. Still, I don't think I would feel too threatened, or replaced, as long as she wasn't sleeping with other guys.

It also feels a bit one-sided. She said that she's happy for me to explore with men, but I'm straight, so don't want to! She says that she as she will only be seeing women outside our relationship (not men), that it would be wrong for me to see other women.

I don't know whether to:

(a) say no to the whole thing
(b) say okay, but insist that its open on my side to sleep with women
(c) open it up on her side only.

Has anyone been through this kind of thing?

Thanks!

OP posts:
category12 · 15/03/2023 12:52

LikeMindedLady · 15/03/2023 12:39

@LooseGoose22 isn't the whole point of making a commitment to a marriage saying that you are going to try to maintain a life long relationship with someone? That you know it won't always be plain sailing but you promise each other to try really hard to work through difficult situations as a couple and try your very best to grow together and support each other?

It's a lofty goal and not all marriages will work, but the idea that you just chuck a otherwise happy relationship away at the first sign that you are diverging from the teenaged couple you were when you met makes the whole point of marrying void!

It is quite a major incompatibility tho.

I don't think if it was a woman coming on here saying "my husband is kinky and wants to open up our relationship, and says I can sleep with women (but I'm straight and vanilla)" that people would be quite so generous towards him.

OneOfEachPlease · 15/03/2023 12:54

Hyperbole again. His wife has started a conversation which she says isn’t a deal breaker and they’re exploring together what that means. She’s hasn’t said ‘let me do this or we’re toast’ and OP says he trusts her on that, so let’s not misrepresent the situation.

LooseGoose22 · 15/03/2023 13:07

LikeMindedLady · 15/03/2023 12:39

@LooseGoose22 isn't the whole point of making a commitment to a marriage saying that you are going to try to maintain a life long relationship with someone? That you know it won't always be plain sailing but you promise each other to try really hard to work through difficult situations as a couple and try your very best to grow together and support each other?

It's a lofty goal and not all marriages will work, but the idea that you just chuck a otherwise happy relationship away at the first sign that you are diverging from the teenaged couple you were when you met makes the whole point of marrying void!

They are fundamentally incompatible.

Best to end it now without kids involved and find compatible partners.

Being together since teens (which in many cases is a bad idea anyway... since ppl grow & evolve & get to know themselves so much through their twenties and thirties (and beyond) is no reason to stick with someone where the partners are incompatible.

Most men would not be ok with being asked to do one sided polygamy because their wife is bisexual and they're "not allowed" to have sex with others too because they are heterosexual and they'd be getting nothing different. How very convenient for her.

LooseGoose22 · 15/03/2023 13:10

sign that you are diverging from the teenaged couple you were when you met makes the whole point of marrying void!

He has not "diverged", she has.

She wants to be polygamous, for whatever reasons. (An interesting firm of polygamy but whatever). He doesn't.

(Not sure if he would if he was actually allowed to have sex with people of the sex he's sexually attracted but that doesn't appear to be in the table).

LooseGoose22 · 15/03/2023 13:12

Most men would not be ok with being asked to do one sided polygamy because their wife is bisexual and they're "not allowed" to have sex with others too because they are heterosexual and they'd be getting nothing different.

Well some might get off on the voyeur asiecr of it, but op doesn't seem particularly interested in that either.

Findwen · 15/03/2023 13:18

I would consider strongly to the day afterwards, how will you feel knowing she is reflecting on the good times she spent with someone else ? When she is looking in the middle distance, remembering the sexual encounters - will you feel ok or jealous ?

The next time you are intimate together, will you worry that she cares ever less for your attentions and just goes through the motions with you, but secretly looking forward to that special someone she has met touching her again ?

She would of course do her best to spare your feelings - but the new and exciting is probably going to win over your well worn path.

LooseGoose22 · 15/03/2023 13:18

I do try to go along with that a little bit (although I'm crap at it), but nowhere near as much as she'd like, and she doesn't push for more as she knows its just not me.

You are just not compatible.

You would be compatible with the majority of women though.

CosmoK · 15/03/2023 13:27

I would consider strongly to the day afterwards, how will you feel knowing she is reflecting on the good times she spent with someone else ? When she is looking in the middle distance, remembering the sexual encounters - will you feel ok or jealous ?

That's the bit my DH loves the most. Especially when I tell him the details.

You can't police someone's thoughts .... who knows what any if our partners are thinking about?

The next time you are intimate together, will you worry that she cares ever less for your attentions and just goes through the motions with you, but secretly looking forward to that special someone she has met touching her again ?

Speaking personally, that has never been the case for me. I love my Skirt Club adventures but I'm completely in love with my husband.... there isn't any 'going through the motions' as we enjoy our time together.

She would of course do her best to spare your feelings - but the new and exciting is probably going to win over your well worn path.

How could you possibly know this?

I guess it's difficult for people to understand and I get that but the fact I'm bi-sexual and occasionally have experiences with girls is absolutely no reflection on my feeling for my husband.
He is my priority, if he wasn't happy about it then it would stop immediately.

LikeMindedLady · 15/03/2023 13:58

@LooseGoose22 I doubt OP is exactly the same person he was in his teens or 20s either! Yes one partner suggesting opening the relationship is a big thing that fundamentally changes the relationship but so could any number of things; unemployment, a major career change, changing your mind about having children, a major illness or family event... Any of those things that you hadn't planned on could crop up and leave one partner wanting something different. Is the answer to declare incompatibly and walk away at the first sign of change though?

Surely it deserves lots of talking and trying to understand each other better?

Thisistyresome · 15/03/2023 14:02

OblongCircles · 15/03/2023 10:41

@LikeMindedLady

I read a statistic about bisexual people in relationships - can't remember where - apparently more than 80% of bisexual people are in a relationship with opposite sex partners. I guess maybe that's because the dating pool is large for opposite sex partners. If that is true, there must be a lot of bisexual women who are having to suppress their attraction to the same sex.

I wonder if it happens the other way around? Do bisexual women with a same-sex partner feel the need to have physical intimacy with men outside of their relationship? The same principles you talk about (abandoning part of your identity) must apply that way around too.

". If that is true, there must be a lot of bisexual women who are having to suppress their attraction to the same sex."

And lots of straight women have to supress their attraction to other men, lots of straight men have to suppress their attraction to other women. This is not some unique "bi thing" being monogamous has trade offs.

Thisistyresome · 15/03/2023 14:09

OblongCircles · 14/03/2023 16:39

@OneOfEachPlease

We did have a bit of a chat about it this morning. She says it is not a dealbreaker for her if I am really uncomfortable with it.

I asked her how she would feel about me seeing other women as well, and she looked quite upset and said she couldn't understand why I would want to. She said the only reason she would like to have sex with women is because I don't have a female body and so can't satisfy her desire for female touch, whereas I can get everything I need from her.

I've backed off from expressing any interest in that now, as it would very obviously put a real strain on our relationship. And she does have a point about why should I see other women - all I would get out of it is variety, and a feeling of equality. My wife 100% meets all of my needs in terms of sex, so its not like I would be going elsewhere to do things my wife won't or can't do.

Perhaps you should have tried the:
"I've always been straight, but perhaps I ought to try experimenting with men. It has never appealed but perhaps men offer a different experience I have never thought of and may have been missing out on. Perhaps I could get my head round to that?"

As you are straight this is obvious nonsense. However, that prospect may make her give away that her proposal was simply a ruse to get you stuck in a one sided open relationship. If there was a genuine option of you going elsewhere the mask may slip.

Your best bet is still to end it.

Thisistyresome · 15/03/2023 14:15

CosmoK · 15/03/2023 08:15

This will only work if you are 100% on board.

I'm bi-sexual and attend the occasional Skirt Club party / get together where most of us are married to men who are happy for us to explore that side of our sexuality.

My DH doesn't get involved and is happy just to hear about it..it actually enhances our sex life BUT the second he's not on board I stop.

It sounds like it's not for you so she either needs to be happy in an exclusive relationship with you or leave.

Out of curiosity was this situation one that you had discussed with your DH before marriage?

I can't see springing it on someone years in as being likely to get a great out come. Those I know who are into that life style (and it works) were from before they got married, and that was known as a possibility before the marriage.

CosmoK · 15/03/2023 14:35

Out of curiosity was this situation one that you had discussed with your DH before marriage?

I told him I was bi on the first date but I didn't join skirt club until we'd been married around 5 years.
He encouraged me to join and had always been fully supportive.

I appreciate that is different to the OP but he did ask of anyone had done this so I'm offering up my experiences.

Thisistyresome · 15/03/2023 14:45

@CosmoK
That is interesting, it sounds like it was not an unexpected situation if he was suggesting it.

User49394 · 15/03/2023 14:51

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CosmoK · 15/03/2023 14:52

I've always been very open with him but he has always made me feel comfortable about it.

I've found the whole experience very liberating.
There's a real sense of ease and acceptance with the women I've met. All different shapes and sizes but all beautiful and confident.

Put it this way, I'd never be comfortable sat around naked drinking gin and eating chips with a group of men! Yet that's how our nights seem to end up 😂😂

User49394 · 15/03/2023 14:56

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category12 · 15/03/2023 14:59

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Well it'll be why you struggle in "competition" with people who do like women.

OneOfEachPlease · 15/03/2023 15:02

The OP doesn’t hate women or his own wife @User49394 so this isn’t very helpful to him.

Sid77 · 15/03/2023 15:27

@Thisistyresome - what about those of us who got together with our partners when we were young?

I'm a bisexual woman in an open relationship with a man. We've been together for over 20 years and, when we first met, I absolutely didn't have the emotional intelligence or self-awareness to propose an open relationship. There was no model for that, I'd never heard of it working or even being a thing. I suppressed my feelings towards women (which I had never really understood myself because - heteronormativity) because I knew I loved him and I went on to build a very happy and successful life with him.

When those feelings came more to the fore after getting older, living life a bit, having kids, fully getting to grips, I guess, with who I am in a way I just hadn’t when I was 21, I discussed it with him. It was a difficult discussion - but we worked it through and are continually working it through. I have to say though, our relationship is fully open. I have sex with women and also have the freedom to have sex with other men (I don’t want to, but the freedom is there). He has the freedom to have sex with other women. We love each other, our relationship isn’t perfect but it is good and resilient and secure.

I think it's naive to think that everyone knows, aged 20, who they are and how they're going to feel for the next 60+ years...

Marriage isn't agreeing to set everything in stone until you're dead, it's a commitment to working life out together.

I think that the OP is being a brilliant partner by listening and properly thinking about what she is proposing. Whether he can accept it is entirely up to him and his own ethics/upbringing/comfort levels/personal beliefs about life really and no shame either way. The fact that he is open to hearing her is wonderful.

LikeMindedLady · 15/03/2023 15:42

@CosmoK you are making the SC spin off parties sound far more appealing than actual SC events! Naked gin and chips I could definitely get on board with! 😆

CosmoK · 15/03/2023 15:49

LikeMindedLady · 15/03/2023 15:42

@CosmoK you are making the SC spin off parties sound far more appealing than actual SC events! Naked gin and chips I could definitely get on board with! 😆

Haha they are pretty fun!!

It can be slightly surreal sometimes when everyone is sat around a gorgeous apartment somewhere completely naked just chatting and drinking/eating..... but you need to keep your energy up somehow 😉

LooseGoose22 · 15/03/2023 15:52

Yes one partner suggesting opening the relationship is a big thing that fundamentally changes the relationship but so could any number of things; unemployment, a major career change, changing your mind about having children, a major illness or family event... Any of those things that you hadn't planned on could crop up and leave one partner wanting something different.

That analogy/comparison is quite a stretch.

Most couples remain monogamous through any of those. Polygamy is a very different type of change.

And this isn't even true polygamy.

LooseGoose22 · 15/03/2023 15:52

(It's some version of one sided polygamy that suits op's wife).

LikeMindedLady · 15/03/2023 16:09

Most couples remain monogamous through any of those.

A huge number of relationships experience infidelity;
www.globalinvestigations.co.uk/private-investigator/infidelity-statistics-uk-infographic/

You are right though, it's not polygamy, that implies having more than one spouse, OP asked about (unilaterally) opening the sexual aspect of the relationship only.