Page 6 | Could you have been as happy without children?

NevieSticks · 12/03/2023 12:49

I don't see how people who have never had children can actually answer that as they only know one status - whereas people who have children know both sides. I have experience of childless people - my ex BLI and SIL and they were so self obsessed and big babies themselves. They would comment negatively on things that we did for our children when they had no idea of what it was like to raise one. I have two friends who are childless and both are heavily invested in their nieces. I remember when my first child was born thinking this is how my parents must have felt when they had me. It's a unique feeling. I actually regret not having more but that's easy to say once they are off your hands!

cunningartificer · 12/03/2023 12:59

For me having children has been a great joy. Having more people in my life whom I love and who love me back... what's not to like? We've had our share of troubles but they've been what has sustained us through bad times, I've never regretted having them, they light up my life and I reckon they make the world a better place.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 12/03/2023 13:05

Hmm.

I think without kids I would probably have more money, be thinner, have better clothes, have been to loads of cool travel destinations, seen loads more concerts and plays, read more books.

But having kids has really made me develop and grow as a person. Largely through the challenges stresses and anxieties as well as the joys.

I think it has cemented DH and I marriage too. We have these children together and somehow something can't now be undone between us. That makes the relationship strong.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 12/03/2023 13:07

Having a house with your family in it is lovely - the kids, their friends, their plans, their activities. It makes for a busy bustling sort of feeling which is lovely if also demanding. Can't imagine a home without it.

Original poster

James637 · 12/03/2023 13:13

Ok I’m no closer to an answer 😂

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Cotswoldmama · 12/03/2023 13:19

I couldn't have been. I would go so far as to say I'd be sadder without them. Ive always wanted children and feel really lucky to have two.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/03/2023 13:19

Also, older childfree/less people, do you ever regret your decision?

Nope. Knew from the age of 15 I didn't want them, am nearly 69 now and have in that time have probably spent 10 minutes wondering what my life would have been like with children. Absolutely no regrets.

Cloudhoppingdancer · 12/03/2023 13:21

I had terrible baby yearning before family but that doesn't mean that having children necessarily makes you feel happy.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 12/03/2023 13:22

I am childless (not by choice) and obviously one can never know how it would have been on the other side of the fence. I'm quite fatalistic and it's clear that, although we tried, I never had the very strong pull that most women have, so coming to terms with my infertility was not a massive struggle (don'tget me wrong, I have my moments).

I'm nearly 60 and, looking back, not having children gave me time and opportunity to follow a dream. I'm sad that DH never got to be a dad as he's amazing with kids but overall, life has been really good and we have been very happy.

As I get older and look at the way the world is heading, I'm actually quite relieved I don't have them.

Aphrathestorm · 12/03/2023 13:24

The most important thing for me since I was a teen was to have my own DCs.

There's nothing I wouldn't have sacrificed to have a family.

I'd probably have killed myself if I'd never had DCs.

Cotswoldmama · 12/03/2023 13:25

The feeling of love when you meet your child is like no other. I remember thinking wow my parents love me so much! And that they must be heart broken that my sister has moved to Australia! It's hard to describe the intensity of the love you feel it's like nothing else.

Hbh17 · 12/03/2023 13:26

This again?! I am perfectly happy without children (not to mention relieved!) and life has never been boring.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/03/2023 13:30

Cotswoldmama · 12/03/2023 13:25

The feeling of love when you meet your child is like no other. I remember thinking wow my parents love me so much! And that they must be heart broken that my sister has moved to Australia! It's hard to describe the intensity of the love you feel it's like nothing else.

Not this 'there's no love like it' again. There might not be for you, but you don't speak for everyone else; who might also think the same about their pets, hobbies or jobs.

EarthSight · 12/03/2023 13:30

James637 · 12/03/2023 10:17

No! I’m stressing out myself because I can’t decide!

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Are you in love with your partner, what are your impressions of parenthood, and how is your relationship with your own parents now and growing up?

EarthSight · 12/03/2023 13:33

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/03/2023 13:30

Not this 'there's no love like it' again. There might not be for you, but you don't speak for everyone else; who might also think the same about their pets, hobbies or jobs.

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Oh come off it!! I don't have kids, but respect when people say that there is really not other love like it. We are probably chemically and hormonally wired to do that, in a lot of cases.

Cloudhoppingdancer · 12/03/2023 13:37

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/03/2023 13:30

Not this 'there's no love like it' again. There might not be for you, but you don't speak for everyone else; who might also think the same about their pets, hobbies or jobs.

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People who have children are able to compare to love for hobbies, jobs and partners. If you don't, you're unable to make the comparison. Perhaps they shouldn't generalise to what other people would feel but it's perfectly reasonable for them to say that the love they feel for their children is unique. You can't debate it or challenge it because you don't have that experience.

As an aside I would say that it feels more like instinct than love sometimes. I love my dog but I wouldn't feel like my heart was falling out of my body if it died, or try to walk into a burning building without a second thought to save them. It's a kind of tunnel vision that changes you.

Original poster

James637 · 12/03/2023 13:40

EarthSight · 12/03/2023 13:30

Are you in love with your partner, what are your impressions of parenthood, and how is your relationship with your own parents now and growing up?

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I’m actually single because I feel I need to decide if I want kids before I start dating again this time, I’m 34 now so last relationships have been more casual in the past. My relationship with parents is good and I see them 3/4 times a week. I just don’t feel I’ve got the confidence to take the leap to fatherhood because it seems such a gamble, it’s wrecking my head!

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Millicentmargaretamandaholden · 12/03/2023 13:40

Absolutely not. I am every cliche of motherhood: I really didn’t understand love until DC. I learned a deeper kindness, patience and love from them and it really has changed my life in so many ways including friendships and professional success. But most of all my DC are wonderful and the thing in the world that bring me greatest joy. I can’t trade that off against anything.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/03/2023 13:41

EarthSight · 12/03/2023 13:33

Oh come off it!! I don't have kids, but respect when people say that there is really not other love like it. We are probably chemically and hormonally wired to do that, in a lot of cases.

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I don't need to 'come off' anything, thanks. The phrase 'there's no love like it' is invariably trotted out when people talk about this subject. There's the underlying assumption that if you haven't had children then you're lacking in some way and pitied for not experiencing this 'great love.'

isthistheendtakeabreath · 12/03/2023 13:45

People who have children are able to compare to love for hobbies, jobs and partners. If you don't, you're unable to make the comparison. Perhaps they shouldn't generalise to what other people would feel but it's perfectly reasonable for them to say that the love they feel for their children is unique. You can't debate it or challenge it because you don't have that experience.

1000 times this. I love my cats. I love my hobbies. I loved my husband. It doesn't compare to what I feel for my children and never will. It's a visceral love, love without conditions.

I don't regret it. I lost my husband because of the children - he announced 3 children in he didn't want family life anymore. I wouldn't go back in time and trade the kids to have him back though

Original poster

James637 · 12/03/2023 13:48

Aphrathestorm · 12/03/2023 13:24

The most important thing for me since I was a teen was to have my own DCs.

There's nothing I wouldn't have sacrificed to have a family.

I'd probably have killed myself if I'd never had DCs.

😳😳😳

OP posts:

JamSandle · 12/03/2023 14:05

You can be happy either way. It really depends on what you choose to do with whatever choice you make.

BoofyBoo · 12/03/2023 14:18

I haven’t been able to have children and it does cause me great sadness because it was what I wanted most (other than a loving partner) in life from a young age. My husband and I will always wonder what if. But we have a fulfilling life in many other ways and are definitely not bored of each other.
I’m not going to go down the road if “I’m more this or that” or “we have done this or that thing that we wouldn’t have done had we had children” as some others have here … because no one actually knows what they’d have done or been like in the opposite situation.
I’m always baffled by the people who say they know what they or their life would have been like without children. They assume it would have been a continuation of their life as it was before they had kids. I can tell you from experience that it’s not. I haven’t stalled at a particular place in my life emotionally or developmentally. I’m a very different person than I was in my twenties or thirties. I’ve gone through what I never wanted to and come out the other side (sort of). In some ways I’m a better person for it, I’m definitely more mature and wiser. In other ways just a bit scarred, as we all are by life beyond a certain age.
So OP your life will change immeasurably whatever path you choose - assuming you have a choice in the end (I didn’t). I kind of think people who aren’t sure should maybe not have them if they can see an alternative path as there are so many other things you can do in life. I couldn’t see an alternative path. But, forced to find one, I’ve done things and met people and developed in ways I’d never have believed when younger.
It’s hard living life only forwards! Good luck x

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 12/03/2023 14:21

I always wanted to get married and have children. I reached 40 and had never had a long term relationship or children. I had a fling at 41 and was shocked to have a baby at 42. It was/is the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm still not married and it's highly unlikely I'll ever have a partner but I don't care... the love I have for my child is the most amazing thing... I was right to want a child and would have been devastated if it had never happened.

anthurium · 12/03/2023 14:29

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/03/2023 13:30

Not this 'there's no love like it' again. There might not be for you, but you don't speak for everyone else; who might also think the same about their pets, hobbies or jobs.

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Lol, are you seriously comparing a love for another being to a job, any job? Yes the "pets" too....it is sad how childless by choice really cannot comprehend it....