Could you have been as happy without children?

[James637]

People with kids, do you think you could have been as happy in life without them? Also, older childfree/less people, do you ever regret your decision? Does it get boring as a couple without kids?

Completely agree with @MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot . I know people who really wanted kids to the exclusive of any other life goal, or were on the fence, or didn't plan them at all and accidentally got pregnant. The ones making the most of it are the ones who went 'all in' and are present heart and soul in the life they share with their kids (which doesn't necessarily mean they never have time off of course, it's an attitude). Personally I was ambivalent about kids, thought long and hard and decided on balance I saw my long term future with a family. I'm happy with my choice even though I could easily have gone either way to be honest. But I'm happy cos I'm all in just as @MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot described.

I never considered myself as maternal and often would shut down at work when everyone else was gushing over the new baby visiting the office. Then I got married and quickly fell pregnant- planned but naively so.. 12 years on and pending a nasty divorce but I'd can't imagine being without my two children. It's changed my outlook on life, in a beautiful way and I'm thankful for that.

Tbh @James637 I think you'll end up doing well regardless given that you've thought about the pros and cons of both paths, and seem to be OK with either. If you fall in love with someone who wants kids you'll go along with that and probably be a great dad. If you fall in love with someone who doesn't want kids you'll go along with that and probably enjoy a great child-free life without any missing feeling.

Probably the most important thing I can advise is self-awareness. What any of us think doesn't matter, our experiences don't matter, and even more crucially, just because everyone around you is doing something, that doesn't matter either. What do you want out of life? What does your best life involve?

For me, my best life involves time to do what I want, when I want. I want freedom to pursue my creative hobbies, to focus on my career, to travel. I like to have a lot of me time and I like to get enough sleep. I also like nights out and my social circle haven't slowed down that much since our 20s. I don't especially enjoy responsibility and I've never been able to keep so much as a plant alive. Nothing about my ideal lifestyle is compatible with a child.

But what do you want out of life and who are you as a person? Try to visualise where you want to be in 10 years - is the image that springs to mind first being at home, having a domestic life and playing with kids; or is it being free to pursue your career goals or hobbies, or partying and travelling the world?

Honestly though I would relax a bit. As I said the flipside of not knowing what you want is that you would probably be OK with either.

I am 55 and have never, not for one single second, wanted children. I am happy, comfortably off, free and independent (I never wanted to get married either). I have never regretted my decision.

I'm 45, child free and have never regretted it for a single second.

I do not feel like I have missed out on anything and am 100% sure that having children would have added nothing positive to my life - because I love it exactly the way it is.

For me, being a father has been the absolute highlight of my life. I've been lucky to have a DS and DD who are great kids. They're in the higher education stage in life so I do worry about them being happy in their lives, but so far so good.

My relationship with my kids has honestly been magical. I have so many incredible memories of things we've done together. Even the small things, the chats with my daughter at bedtime, the expression on their faces when I told them stories. It's unlike any other relationship I've had. A friend once told me that he felt his soul, and his kids souls, actually came together and touched. I understand what he meant.

I absolutely threw myself into fatherhood. Made them priority one in life. I made new parent friends which opened up new activities and social scenes, but it did mean sacrificing my life to them, in a way. I know there are other parenting styles, but that was mine. I saw some friends enjoy their kids as much as me, and some who seemed to find it much harder work. I feel I was a "natural" father, it came easy to me. Maybe because I had a good relationship with my own father? I think if a man has no example to follow it might be harder, but I accept this is not a hard and fast rule. Men with poor male role models who enjoy fatherhood have my utmost respect.

Now I emerge blinking into my fifties, looking to find who I am, I do realise my sacrifice to them came at a (small) cost. I could have pushed my career harder, I could have learned skills and hobbies, I can't play golf. Maybe I can learn now.

Despite how much I loved being a Dad, I can't advise you. Before you become a parent you really have no idea what the experience will be like for you individually. The evening I left the hospital and my wife and newborn DS, I lay in bed and tried to grasp the enormity of what lay ahead. I remember my spinning head. My life changed permanently that day. But for the better.

Nice post @ZaphodDent and good advice.

I’ll never know, but I do know I am loving being early 50’s with 3 grown up happy healthy DC and now having lots of time and money for myrself.

I’m over 60 and probably the happiest I’ve ever been, in a steady, contented way rather than the highs and lows I experienced when I was younger. But I’ve never stopped regretting that I didn’t have a child. I thought the sadness would wear off, but it became sharper as friends started having grandchildren.

And I know my happiness now is totally reliant on a very happy marriage. That’s a fragile basis, because one of us will be left bereft when the other dies, despite strong friendships and loving relatives.

I’m aware that, much as we love our nieces and nephews and their children, they are not going to be interested in our books or collections of items that interested us. We’ll leave our money to them and the good causes we support. But no other real legacy. That feels sad.

I am not worried about a legacy. I do not think it matters.

I don't think I'd have been happier without my dc (dd11) as I would've found happiness in different things. I had a lovely life pre dc. I don't regret my dd for a single second and she has brought me immense joy. Parenting also brings shit loads of worry, which gets more so as they get older- schools/ friends/ mental health etc.

No, it feels like they are the best thing that have happened to me. Without them life feels vapid and nihilistic.

I don't like doing crafts with them and sitting around at their swimming lessons.

Not mutually exclusive.

Without them life feels vapid and nihilistic.

I'm always interested in what this means when parents say it. I've never felt life is vapid or nihilistic as a child-free woman. Not only that, I can't imagine life feeling like that. There's so much to do. I don't just mean seeing the world and going to restaurants or whatever - though even in terms of doing what I enjoy, I feel I could fill my life ten times over. But in terms of the deeper stuff - on an individual level, building connections with other people; on a societal level, doing what I can to improve a world that desperately needs collective action to get better. I just don't see how children are the only answer if you're looking for a purpose.

I am never convinced that it is healthy for an adult to make their children the only reason for their existence.

That is okay, gannet. I don't think of childfree like that. I respect them for that even.

I actually travelled more in less known destinations with children, we have good income to enable that. Can't think of many things that having kids blocked me from doing. No strong ambitions like becoming a politician or hanging out with writers and influencers or spending hours in lab finding a cure for cancer, all consuming careers like that.

It feels like I don't really have talent for anything or I just don't seem to enjoy anything. I am also almost completely deaf and making connection with people is more often than not joyless exercise for me. I do have a bit of mildly depressive personality who sees a bit of BS in everything - but it amuses me that lots of people think it is something that can be fixed with pills and life coaches.

Friends who have lots of things to do - I saw them having anxiety how children can fit into their busy lives. That seems only fair to question and that is for them to answer.

Motherhood came naturally to me - loved breastfeeding even when it wasn't easy and I had issues that made people give up BF, waking up in mornings with baby next to me in bed beaming their gumless smile, saw toddler tantrums as manifestation of physical stresses not symptom of future toxic personality. I actually feel like I helped people close to me to find relaxed approach with motherhood.

If something awful happens to me like having whole family wiped out and I am the only person to survive, I do think I may be still able to live but life may feel like all of monochromatic blur again without the love of family.

I agree. And if you consider life essentially meaningless, then how does having children make it meaningful? I mean, if they are just going to live out their own meaningless, painful existence, and then die a horrible death and be nothing forever, well, how has that made your life meaningful? Haven’t you just brought more meaningless suffering into the world? It’s weird how people’s minds work. My life is meaningless, so I’ll bring another life into the world, and that meaningless life will make my meaningless life meaningful!!

@Ofcourseshecan as someone in a similar position just wanted to send a hug & say I know how you feel x

Thanks, @Theeyeballsinthesky. Big hug coming your way too. I never speak about this to anyone in real life. I hope life is good for you in other ways xx

Happier. Not a shadow of doubt. DH maybe not, so 💁

I think I’d assume that I should’ve had kids if I didn’t.

Now I have them I often wish I hadn’t.

But they’re very loved and I will always support them and guide them.

I am happy with having Children. But I worry so much about their futures. They are not fulfilling their full potential academically, socially and mentally. And it's all my fault because I don't have any more to give my kids. I have been a single parent for 6 years now.
My life without kids would have obviously been so different. I think also how many Children you have makes a difference. I have 5 but I often think I should have stopped at 2.

Quite honestly, I would probably have been far happier and much less stressed without children. I would have achieved more of what I wanted to achieve, seen more of the world, saved more money and been in a much better financial and housing position, been higher up in my career.... the list goes on really and it's the reason I always knew I never wanted to have children of my own.

But then I did... and it's a weird one, because I don't regret it for one single second, because the love I have for my DC is something that I never thought I could feel for another human, so unconditional , so powerful, so emotional and humbling.

Absolutely not. I had an extremely lonely, horrible, abusive childhood and now I have humans who wrap their arms around me and we tell each other we love each other. I would be nothing without them and their love. I love my pets, and I love my friends, but it can never come close to the bonds I have my my children. Although.....cats come pretty close :)

Also - totally understand how children are NOT for everyone! It's bloody hard, and scary, and relentless, but it's what makes me personally happy.

I think it’s one of those things that provide a sense of purpose. If you’re lucky to have a loyal stable friendship group and able to find meaning in work or other pleasures in life then some do fine without children. I think a lot of people find themselves in a weird spot around 35 or 40 as a lot of people have their own families and lives at this point and if you don’t have children can feel like your on your own. Though less women are having children across the board these days so probably won’t be short of company in older age if you choose not to. I used to worry about not having anyone come visit in old age but even people who have children find themselves in that position.

For me having children was a need. I don't know how else to put it. I had an overwhelming maternal instinct even as a child. It was the only thing that mattered to me. If I hadn't had children I would always have had great sadness and felt unfulfilled.
I have children and they're the best thing that's happened to me. I can't describe the ways in which they've enriched my life and given me a sense of purpose.
BUT I now have to live with the stress and worry. Oh the worry! I have a daughter who's a teenager and a very typical teenager. Her friends are her life and we feel very shut out of her life now. Our existence annoys her greatly! There are so many things I worry about as she grows up.
I have a son who suffers anxiety and his anxiety is my anxiety. As he struggles with life I can lie awake at night worrying about him.
So the fulfilment I feel at having kids comes at a cost.