Page 5 | Could you have been as happy without children?

SunnyGirl2024 · 12/03/2023 11:50

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anthurium · 12/03/2023 11:51

Solo parent by choice here (I had my son using a sperm donor), and was extremely lucky to have conceived. I spent most of my life being childless (not by choice), in wrong relationships and with men who didn't want to commit/have children. At the last minute I decided to try this and am so so grateful to have done so. It has been the best decision I have made. I love being a parent, and the fact there is something else in my life that isn't about me or work! It is such a unique experience and really incomparable to anything else.

I really enjoy watching him grow and learn new things. Yes, some days are tough, especially as a solo parent, but there is no way I would trade this aspect of my life for any romantic partner, or go back to my childfree days. They will come again when he's left home and is independent, but I'm extremely happy now.

susiethecat · 12/03/2023 11:53

It's hard to know but I do know my children make me very happy and give me purpose. I never really found that with my job though which I know a lot of people do.

Mayhemmumma · 12/03/2023 11:59

I wouldn't have been happy without children - I wouldn't know differently I guess but I longed to get pregnant and it would have been a real loss not to.
My kids have made my world more rounded, I'm braver, my heart is full of love and pride, I've made life long mum friends.

Original poster

James637 · 12/03/2023 12:01

Has anyone ever done therapy to help them decide? If so, did it help?

I just don’t have the confidence to make the leap but also struggling to feel comfortable that I’m making a decision out of desire and not fear 😫

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Imobsessedwithsuccesion · 12/03/2023 12:06

I'm mid 40's and childfree by choice. Have a lovely, easy life and don't really like being around kids so it was an easy decision. I can't imagine I'll regret it as freedom is massively important to me. I'm also single and don't have pets so I can do as I please.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 12/03/2023 12:06

my DH and I were together for 12 years before children, none were planned but then I think I had a very early miscarriage and we said “what if?” That set us off on a 3 year infertility journey which I have to admit was agony, watching other people getting pregnant. Our first attempt was successful and we have wonderful 19 year old twins, who despite ups and downs are both now at Uni and loving it. I miss them desperately.

I have always been a very anxious person and I also hate a ‘having to’ structure in life which put me off having children but having (premature) twins threw me in the deep end and I loved it. I worried about nothing but them for years. The absolute truth is that you are really only as happy as your unhappiest child and I think that will be lifelong. It really is a rollercoaster compared to the merry-go-round.

My husband and I are trying to rediscover each other as a couple now.

In answer to your question I think my DH and I would have been perfectly happy without children. Having children has added an extra dimension but has equally caused stress and division between us. But I would rather die than be without them.

America12 · 12/03/2023 12:12

@James637 @icelolly12 terrible abusive marriage. Child with special needs who as an adult is challenging.
I just felt it was the done thing to have children, especially don't now.
I have ADHD and found it very difficult.
Obviously I never let them know anything.
I know women without children by choice and I'm envious they made the decision.

Darhon · 12/03/2023 12:13

I had a massive biological imperative to have them. But I realised once I did that they wouldn’t completely fulfil me and that I needed to work as well. So it’s been a bit of both for me. But kids or no kids, the foundation of most people’s lives is human, usually primarily family relationships, and these bring bonds and duties. So I think you can have a fulfilled life without kids if you have other bonds.

CornishGem1975 · 12/03/2023 12:13

I think I would have been happier without kids, but it's not something I would have realised without them. Of course I wouldn't be without them now but yes, with hindsight life could have be awesome rather than just surviving (which js what it is some days)

GreyCarpet · 12/03/2023 12:15

I have two children. I never felt broody, never felt that I wanted children even when friends and other women around me couldnt wait for it to happen.

They're now 24 and 17. I love them and they're great company but I'd have been just as happy without them. I'd have just had a different life. I've loved every stage of our lives together and love that we can go out together now. We're very close and I'm proud of the two people I've contributed to the world's population. But I genuinely don't think I'd have regretted not having them if I hadn't.

I accept that some people have a burning desire to have children but I've never felt it myself.

NurseryNurse10 · 12/03/2023 12:16

I do nursery work and am more than happy to do a long shift with the babies and then hand them back so I can go home and rest. Also they don't stay babies for very long at all which is what I always reply when people ask me how I could be without my own baby to look after.
Pregnancy and labour terrifies me also. As does the fact there are many health conditions throughout my family which I would be worried about passing on as well as the fact I wouldn't want to inflict a child with my looks or personality.
I worry about old age and being alone but none of us know how long we have left and its selfish to have kids just so they look after you in old age.

Original poster

James637 · 12/03/2023 12:16

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 12/03/2023 12:06

my DH and I were together for 12 years before children, none were planned but then I think I had a very early miscarriage and we said “what if?” That set us off on a 3 year infertility journey which I have to admit was agony, watching other people getting pregnant. Our first attempt was successful and we have wonderful 19 year old twins, who despite ups and downs are both now at Uni and loving it. I miss them desperately.

I have always been a very anxious person and I also hate a ‘having to’ structure in life which put me off having children but having (premature) twins threw me in the deep end and I loved it. I worried about nothing but them for years. The absolute truth is that you are really only as happy as your unhappiest child and I think that will be lifelong. It really is a rollercoaster compared to the merry-go-round.

My husband and I are trying to rediscover each other as a couple now.

In answer to your question I think my DH and I would have been perfectly happy without children. Having children has added an extra dimension but has equally caused stress and division between us. But I would rather die than be without them.

This is me exactly! I have bad anxiety and the idea of constant worrying about them just doesn’t fill me with confidence!

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Original poster

James637 · 12/03/2023 12:18

CornishGem1975 · 12/03/2023 12:13

I think I would have been happier without kids, but it's not something I would have realised without them. Of course I wouldn't be without them now but yes, with hindsight life could have be awesome rather than just surviving (which js what it is some days)

This is what a lot of people say, that it’s a catch 22 because you will always wonder what it’s like if you don’t have them!

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Original poster

James637 · 12/03/2023 12:20

I need therapy I think 😂🙈

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GiltEdges · 12/03/2023 12:22

Yes, I'd 100% have been happier without. The pressure of having responsibility for another human being is something I find incredibly draining. There's enjoyment too of course, but a lot of worry. I think naturally laid back people probably find parenting easier and therefore enjoy it more. DH is certainly an example of that and couldn't imagine his life without DC.

Spottycarousel · 12/03/2023 12:25

I have one ds who has severe sen, now adult, and yes unfortunately my life would have been a lot easier without kids.

Anyone weighing up the decision needs to bear in mind that having a healthy child is NOT a given.

It's also important to consider partner, support network etc. My ex is abusive and I've been tied to him through ds..

I'm grateful for the freedom I have now.

gannett · 12/03/2023 12:34

Also, older childfree/less people, do you ever regret your decision? Does it get boring as a couple without kids?

Only boring people would be bored without kids IMO.

By and large I've made the life I wanted for myself - packed with things I enjoy doing, things that bring me joy and things that give me purpose. Children never figured in that. (Tbh a partner didn't figure in it all that strongly but DP came along and here we are.) I've been firmly child-free for as long as I can remember and tbh I'm more and more grateful for that with every day that passes. When I watch friends raise their kids I'm happy for them if that's what they wanted, but it looks like a pretty unpleasant (and boring) grind that takes away from their ability to engage with the rest of the world. Nothing about the parenting lifestyle appeals to me.

MumUndone · 12/03/2023 12:36

TwigTheWonderKid · 12/03/2023 09:55

Having children has given me new perspective and opened up a different dimension of the world, and myself. I have learned so much from my children, most especially about me. It's not always been easy but the best things rarely are. Having I think I prefer the person I have become since I stopped being the centre of my own universe.

Yes, this exactly.

Original poster

James637 · 12/03/2023 12:37

gannett · 12/03/2023 12:34

Also, older childfree/less people, do you ever regret your decision? Does it get boring as a couple without kids?

Only boring people would be bored without kids IMO.

By and large I've made the life I wanted for myself - packed with things I enjoy doing, things that bring me joy and things that give me purpose. Children never figured in that. (Tbh a partner didn't figure in it all that strongly but DP came along and here we are.) I've been firmly child-free for as long as I can remember and tbh I'm more and more grateful for that with every day that passes. When I watch friends raise their kids I'm happy for them if that's what they wanted, but it looks like a pretty unpleasant (and boring) grind that takes away from their ability to engage with the rest of the world. Nothing about the parenting lifestyle appeals to me.

I think from a logical point of view it doesn’t look that appealing I agree with that, but the amount of people that say they thought that way and then had kids and didn’t realise how much they could love someone etc

It makes it impossible to know without experiencing it

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category12 · 12/03/2023 12:41

It makes it impossible to know without experiencing it

Yep.

You pays your money and you takes your choice.

Original poster

James637 · 12/03/2023 12:43

category12 · 12/03/2023 12:41

It makes it impossible to know without experiencing it

Yep.

You pays your money and you takes your choice.

How this doesn’t give people panic attacks at taking that gamble amazes me

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CovertImage · 12/03/2023 12:44

Efhswkr · 12/03/2023 10:01

Hesistant to answer this OP given it reads like a daily fail push.

Agreed

GoldenTobes · 12/03/2023 12:46

frozendaisy · 12/03/2023 09:48

No not with the kids we have, they are fun, engaging, inventive, smart, entertaining, caring, and this is two teenage boys. They are growing into amazing, forward thinking, strong, kind young gentlemen.

They give our lives purpose, we go places, see things, meet people, do stuff that we would never have done without them.

They give us a connection to the future, some of it we will never see.

We have a love for them that is unlike any other love. It's protective and endlessly forgiving. Being a parent has truly taught us patience and devotion.

So for us, no, our lives would have been much less colourful and grey without our kids.

That's not to say they are perfect far from it, it's relentless, hard work, stressful, heartbreaking at times, exasperating, a battle, worrisome. Scary even.

But on balance parenthood, for us, is an amazing journey we are glad we had, are still having, the privilege to travel.

Great post and I feel very much the same about my children.

I have no idea what life would have been like without them (probably have more money ). But I love having them around and have never regretted my decision to become a mother.

Iamblossom · 12/03/2023 12:46

Now that I have my sons I know that my life is exponentially better than it would have been had I not had them.

The dimension they add to my day to day existence, the love and pride I feel for them, the joy I get from them, the pleasure my interaction with them brings me is not something I would ever want to have lived without.

But if I'd never had them I wouldn't know that would I, so I expect I would have been happy childless in that ignorance if that makes sense.