Could you have been as happy without children?

[James637]

People with kids, do you think you could have been as happy in life without them? Also, older childfree/less people, do you ever regret your decision? Does it get boring as a couple without kids?

I've been with DH for 20 years and we don't have kids. We're not bored yet!

I'm one of those people who genuinely enjoys working - I like the structure, using my brain, and earning 💰. So I work full time.
When im not working I enjoy walking the dog, doing the garden, hiking (we live in a national park), running and cycling.
DH and I like to go out for dinner and drinks on a Fri/Sat. We're also on our 3rd renovation project in 12 years, so we're emdlessly doing DIY. And we'vd just bought a campervan.
Throw in seeing friends and family, and it feels like an extremely full life (in all senses of the word).

If you wanted kids, which we never have, I suspect none of this would fill that hole for you though.

I'm one and done, he's my absolute world, when I'm low he cheers me up. I never wanted more then one. Without him I think life would be a lot easier , I'd more social and have a lot more money.

I love my kids but they were the reason my husband left. Told me he never wanted them and I forced them into him when he left me. He did not like family life at all due to responsabiliies

I think I would have been less happy without kids.

However, it is a very long and hard job dealing with them (even though mine are now older teens). I have had a big argument with 17yo today. I feel utterly miserable. I always put my kids before myself, even to the point of fucking my health up.

If we had no kids, we could be out doing whatever we want. And we would be rich. And if I would have been able to get over not having kids, I would lead a very stress free life.

I have child free friends. They're on holiday abroad as I type and struggle to keep the home and family going. Their home is immaculate. Mine is cluttered with the shit of 4 people and a dog.

I think I can say me and DH have had a happier life without children. I look at all our friends and family with children and most of them seem so stressed and even though their children are grown up and lots have children of their own they always seem to be worrying about them.

I know you can have a happy marriage with children but I feel it's far easier without. As I said before, all our childfree friends are very happy on first marriages of at least 25 years. The same is just not true of most of our friends with children. So many divorces (often more than 1).

We would not have wanted the stress and worry especially with the world as it is now and what the future is likely to hold. We are both so glad we decided not to bring a child into it.

But it’s all worth it right?

This is the bit I don’t get 🤔

I always really wanted children but it took 4 years of trying before we had our first son (male factor infertility). In that time, DH and I had a great life, small flat, small rent, lots of money, lots of brilliant holidays, lazy Sundays ordering pizza and playing the PS4 together, hiking weekends. I loved it but I felt a sadness, like something was missing. I wanted the noisy house, the trips to the zoo, the early morning Christmas wake ups.
I now have two sons (2.5 years and 6 weeks). It can be exhausting and there's certainly no more lazy Sundays or long haul holidays, but I feel so fulfilled and content. That thing I felt was missing has gone now. We're sticking with our two and I'm excited about the next chapter now!

The thing is you never know what your life would have been like without them.

I would have been happy without but can’t really say whether happier or not. I would have had amazing holidays though (with all the money I would have without school fees and nanny costs).

I know of some really long marriages between childfree people too. And among our parent friends too of course.

But there's no question that, without kids, a major source of tension, stress, resentment, sleeplessness and financial pressure, is removed (despite how much joy they may also bring for people too).

I always say that, without kids, you're only together because.....you want to be.
Ergo, there are many very happy childfree couples out there.

Yes because the endless holidays and DIY projects and dinners that are all about you and you only...get really...dull

We (me 47, husband 48) are childless by choice and love our life. All of our siblings have children and whenever I spend time with them I thank the lord that I don't have children myself. My husband and I go on about half a dozen holidays abroad a year and a lot of the things we do wouldn't be suitable for children. Horse trekking across the desert for a week or more, Arctic Circle to see the northern lights, partying non-stop in Thailand, etc. Whenever I invite my brother to join us on our trips, he sighs and tells me he would if he didn't have kids (currently 5 and 9). It's either too long and arduous to fly to with kids, too cold, too hot, too dangerous, too expensive, they'll get bored and whinge, etc., etc. He loves his kids to bits and says he wouldn't have it any other way, but every time I see him he looks like he's been hit by a truck. He's permanently knackered, stressed and skint. To be perfectly honest, I feel sorry for him. My husband and I are well off and do what we want, when we want, go out when we want, lie in with a hangover when we want. We can be completely selfish. Yes, maybe I'd be a more evolved human being if I had children, but I don't really want to be.

Me and DH don't have endless holidays. Why do people with children always seem to assume that those without are always on holiday, always eating out etc etc?

Just because we chose not to have children doesn't mean we are rich. We have both only had fairly ordinary jobs and I had to go part time and then stop working totally because of ill health. Not entitled to a penny in benefits so hardly rolling in money.

We do go out for the day quite often and try and have at least a couple of weekends away as well as a longer holiday. In the past though we had many years when we had no holiday at all.

We love spending time together whether it's going out, walking our dogs, cooking together, sitting chatting, watching the subtitled tv programmes we both love, doing jigsaws or any of the other many things we like doing. We have never found it dull.

Genuine question: aren't you bored to death by your holidays? It's like..what can be different? Or life changing? Or really rewarding? Is that what childfree people do list of the time...just more .... holidays?

I’m glad that I have children, they make is very happy.

But if I hadn’t had children for any reason, I think I would still have a happy life. There are lots of things in my like that I find fulfilling, not just my children.

I do think I’d always wonder what it would be like to have children if I didn’t have them though, whereas I have never put much thought into what my life would be like without children, only on threads like this.

I do hate the divide this seems to cause. Often childless people on threads like this tell us how horrible children are while parents say how bored childless people must be. Both really offensive and unnecessary.

No, of course childfree couples don't go on endless holidays. I already said that in my post just above.

Do you not know any childfree couples?

Mind you I would absolutely love to be able to travel more. How could you get bored of seeing the world? Only a very boring person would surely?

My only real regret is not travelling more but we just never had the money.

I don't think children are horrible at all, just not for me and DH. We have nieces and nephews that we loved having stay, taking on holiday to give their parents a break etc. Now they are grown up but we are still see them a fair amount. One niece has a young daughter and we love seeing her and buying her presents.

We have just never wanted all the stress and hassle that comes with having children of your own even if they have no health problems. I am a real worrier and I worried enough about my nieces and nephews - whether they would like school, whether they would make friends, whether they would find a job, find a partner, be happy etc. I worry about their futures. I would have been much much worse with my own children

It took 10 years for me to have a baby, years of trying, lots of ivf and setbacks, early miscarriage and a divorce not to mention thousands of pounds.

I always thought I wouldnt be fulfilled without a child and I was right. DS is my sunshine. Funny, quirky, clever, messy and sometimes infuriating, but a totally wonderful individual! (However I think its v easy with one DC).

No

But I would say having children is not for everyone and nothing wrong with that.

Sounds cheesy but my DC brings a whole new level of joy and happiness i didn't know in my childless years. And i was really happy before!

This is so difficult to answer. My husband and I didn't conceive until late 30s/early 40s. Even though he was desperately wanted, I think we would have been happy had we not had our son. However, my life would have taken a very different turn had we not had him. I wouldn't have met the amazing women who I call my closest friends had he not been here. We met through children's centres and have remained very close ever since. I also wouldn't have moved back to my home town, meaning I see more of my family and I wouldn't have started working in a school and began a totally different career that I absolutely love. Likewise my husband wouldn't be working where he is now had we decided not have children and he has had some brilliant opportunities with his current employer. I think we would have had more money had we not had kids and potentially been happy but I think our lives are richer for having children.

It’s difficult if you don’t feel a strong drive to have children, OP. I did, as did many of my friends, and most of us have gone on to have children and regard them as a blessing, despite the difficult times and the challenges. If you’re not sure, then my inclination would be that it’s better not to have children because of the commitment in terms of time, energy and emotion though they generally lessen over time unless your DCs have conditions which hinder or prevent independent living. It’s perfectly reasonable not to want to have children.

Absolutely not! The whole point is that we can do anything and go anywhere that takes our fancy. We don't have to worry about whether it's safe, logistically practicable, interesting, etc., for kids. Not having to factor kids into the equation means the universe of things we can do is far greater. My brother, for example, hasn't had a holiday that is interesting to himself ever since he has his first kid. He is limited to doing only what's fun for his children. And even if he happens to be doing something that he is interested in, he doesn't fully enjoy it because one or both of his boys are thirsty/hungry/sick/need the loo/tired/bored/having a tantrum. The two boys also fight with each other non-stop and have come close to killing or seriously injuring each other numerous times. He's permanently frazzled and stressed because of this. He's also always broke despite the fact that he has a decent well-paying job, which restricts what he can do even further. My husband and I have been to around 60 countries around the world, so clearly we're not stuck doing the same thing all the time.
Out of our friends, family and acquaintances, about 10% are childless, 90% have children. The childless couples seem to have happier marriages on average. All the divorces we've seen so far have happened in the couples who have children. I don't think this is a coincidence or purely a function of statistics (since there are 9 times more couples with children vs. without) because 'straying' on the part of the husband seems to happen disproportionately when the wife is pregnant or has recently given birth. Divorces happen frequently when the children are still young (the other time is soon after the last child has flown the nest as the couple have held it together till then for the sake of the children) which suggests that having children quite often puts strain on the marriage. Yes, I am aware there are couples who say having children strengthened their marriage, but many times that doesn't seem to be the case.

I'm only talking about myself not making a value judgment on other women.
My life is more important because I have DC who need me and rely on me and love me even though I've grown up believing I was unlovable. Trigger warning suicide:

My DC are what stopped me taking my life and now I think even when they are adults it will devastating for them if I did this. My DC have kept me alive and gave my life a worth and meaning. I am nothing without my DC.

I'm alive because of them but I don't know if I'm happier. I'm very anxious and worried about their wellbeing and safety. I had terrible Pre and Post ND but we've come the other side and I'm more content with life as I feel having DC has completed me. I'm not lost or drifting anymore, they are my anchor to life and society.

I think I would have been in toxic relationships and possibly grips of addiction and then dead or suicide. My DC force me to live and be healthy and look after myself. They save my life everyday.