My long-term partner of 8 years doesn't want childen

[Rebeccalouise95]

Hello,

Just for some back story, me and my partner have been together for almost 8 years. I am 27 and he is 28. We have a home and mortgage together and spent the last couple of years renovating our home.

We touched on the subject of kids last year in couples therapy where my partner stated he couldn't see himself ever being a dad and this broke me. After a few sessions, he said it's not something he wants now but that isn't to say he wouldn't want it in the future. This gave me some slight reassurance as I myself am not ready for children, but know for sure I want a family in the future.

Over the past year, people around me are announcing pregnancies including my best friend. I decided to bring up the topic again and he straight away said - I don't want kids. This has just broken my heart, he is my soul mate and best friend and I cannot picture a life without him. But If we both want different things for the future, surely the best thing for both of us is to leave?

He says that having children means he won't be able to do the things he loves. He is quite wealthy and runs a successful business. He loves the freedom of being able to drop things and go away, do his hobbies etc.

On the other hand, I cannot picture a future for myself that doesn't include raising a family. Most of his friends, colleagues and his sister have children and continue to do what they love, so his reasonings confuse me. But I try to be compassionate and understanding with him as I know it isn't his fault.

I know he doesn't want us to end but I feel as though I have to be selfish if we cannot come to some agreement. I would love some advice on this please - I feel as though I cannot talk to anyone about this as I am ashamed to approach my friends (who are all planning weddings & families).

It may not sound like it, but for the last few days, I feel as though my heart has just been chewed up and everything now feels so uncertain. I feel as though I am grieving my future life and relationship even though it's still very much here.

Neither of you are unreasonable to feel the way you do but I would leave if having kids was something I wanted.

Yes I would leave him. You are fundamentally incompatible. Your chances of finding someone else are good at your age.

It will be heard because you've been with him almost all your adult life, but if you want kids, don't waste your time hanging round for him to change his mind. If he doesn't, you'll never forgive yourself.

I'm so sorry

But yes. I can't see this ending well.

Having a family is something you can't compromise on. You want kids. He does not. Both are valid and neither of you should feel forced into a compromise

The good news is you're young. You have a chance to find someone who has the same future views as you.

It's sad but so much better to have the conversation now and be honest with each other. There no point in him pretending he wants to be a parent and begrudgingly having a baby with you just to 'keep you happy'. I know this isn't what you want to hear but you are young and have your whole future ahead of you. We had a baby after 12 years of marriage because I wanted to be 100% sure it was the right decision and to be confident that both of us wanted the same thing ... I was 42 when I had our DS!

It’s a shame that he’s taken this long to announce what is a very important point to many couples, and that it’s taken therapy to get it out of him.
The obvious thing is to leave, but can I ask why you are in couples therapy ? Is the relationship rocky anyway ?

Don't compromise on having children if you want them. And there's no such thing as soul mates. He's the man you've been with for nearly all your adult life but there will be another man out there who wants what you do.

Don't waste any more time. It's very sad but better to know now while you're still young.

I think you need to either leave, or accept if you stay in the relationship there won't be children. I always think if one partner wants children and the other doesn't, the person who doesn't takes precedent - in this case your DP.

You want fundamentally different things in the future.
If you want children you have to break up. Don't believe him if he throws the odd crumb of maybe changing his mind.
You've had a good relationship and that's a thing to cherish.
You're still young enough to meet someone else and have the life you want. Let this one go.

Our relationship has never been rocky, that's what hurts the most. Renovating our first home was very stressful and we were simply not communicating properly about our feelings. he was already in therapy as he has a stressful job. his therapist suggested I come to a few sessions. It helped us massively be able to talk and understand one another feelings.

I would seriously consider ending the relationship.

It's very possible that you won't be able to reconcile the loss of your fertility and the children you hoped to have later on and will split up anyway.

Ending things now due to this basic incompatibility will at least give you the best chance of estabilishing a new relationship with someone who wants the same things as you by the time you're ready to try for a family.

You should believe him when he says he doesn't want children and "maybe in future" is a well trodden phrase, which he maybe even means, it's just that the future is never today.

Not having children when you want them will slowly kill your relationship anyway, so rip the plaster off.

at 27, you can have a few years to look for the right man for you. One the doesn’t want kids is not the right one for you. No point staying with him until it become critical and then not have the time to find someone else.

let this one go. (Then try not to be too annoyed in a decades time when he’s decided to have a family after all with the younger woman he’s dating then.)

I agree with the posters above - staying in the relationship childless will lead to you resenting him eventually. Make a clean break now.

At least he is being honest and saying no kids rather than dangling a carrot and saying maybe in six months, a year, when I’m 35 etc. There’s been too many threads on mn where this has happened, and then the dp ends up saying never.

(I agree that probably in the future, he’ll end up with a gf who gets pregnant, or decides at the age of 39 that he does want kids. ).

sorry, this must be very hard for you as you’ve been together so long, and invested somuch into the relationship.

Leave. I was you 5 years ago in a 10 year relationship, mortgage, house renovation, dog. He casually mentioned one day he wasn’t sure he wanted kids and the relationship never really recovered from that point on. He didn’t want to end it so it was painfully dragged out for another year before finally splitting. I was 28/29 and devastated at the time.

In hindsight, it was genuinely the best thing that ever happened to me. I met my amazing DH a few months after splitting and 5 years down the line we are married with a gorgeous DS and another one on the way. My life has changed in so many ways for the better over the past few years and I couldn’t be happier. I recently heard that my ex is still living in the same property we bought all that time ago and is casually dating a much younger woman. I hope he’s happy but my overwhelming feeling was relief that I was no longer was living that life as I’m sure my ex would have been happy to string me along for another few years and I’d have missed out on everything I have now.

So, my advice to you is to be brave and some hard chats with your DP need to be had but it’s better to know than waste more years on an uncertain future with him.

It really is, reading these are breaking my heart. He is my best friend and we have such an incredible life together with so many plans ahead of us.

I agree with others, it's a really sad situation for you both... But the decision to have or not have children is one of the few choices that there isn't really a compromise position with. So one of you would always feel unhappy and possibly resentful, which unfortunately wouldn't bode well for the relationship long term anyway. As you say, it's not anyone's fault that you feel both the way you do. Just sadly incompatible positions.

If family is your priority longterm it's definitely not too late. I met my husband when I was 27 and am now mid-thirties with two children. Another of my friends is pregnant with her first child at 40. What you'd likely regret is staying in your current relationship for much longer if your partner is truly never going to want the same thing that you do.

This was DS3 & his long term GF, except roles reversed: he wanted DCs, she didn't. At age 27 & 26 they split amicably as they couldn't see a future together. It was a really difficult decision, but all concerned feel it was the right one.

I think ultimately it comes down to having a very frank discussion about how this makes you feel and that you can't go on without children. It may not solve anything but have a really big conversation about it and lay your thoughts on the table so he's absolutely clear what is at stake here and take it from there.

You shouldn't just leave without doing this, that would be poor form and those who say just leave now are being silly - but if after this debate/ultimatum he still won't budge then I think you're justified in doing whatevers right for you.

What plans did you have together? How did kids fit into those plans? Or not.

it’s tough, especially in a case like yours where you’ve spent most of your adulthood with your partner. But this won’t go away and at least this way you have the luxury of a few years to find a new partner who does want dcs. Many woman leave it until they are mid 30s and really if they want dcs they have very little time to recover from the old relationship find someone else.

can you afford to buy him out of the house/could he buy you out?

End it. It’s actually a really selfish thing that he has done. He should have been completely honest with you.

I was in LTR with someone who didn't want children. We broke up, other reasons not just that issue. He married someone else and had children. Broke my heart all over again. It wasn't that he didn't want children he just didn't want them with me.

I have since met someone else and we have children so all good now.
I'd echo PPs on here that you may have to consider splitting up.

What's selfish? He's been clear with the OP as soon as the topic has come up. He's not stringing her along.

I agree with your advice to end it. This isn't something either of them should have to compromise on, and OP has time to find a new relationship.

But I don't think there's any fault to be assigned here. They both just want different things from life

Please don’t waste any more of your fertile years on this man.

This is an absolutely classic, almost cliched, situation, particularly with a driven work-focused wealthy man: such men rarely have children in their twenties or even thirties. The way it usually plays out is that the woman convinces herself to stay with him ‘for love’ and says she can cope with having no children (while secretly hoping he’ll change his mind). She then gets increasingly sad about it and by her mid-thirties then break up but she is shocked to discover she is now too old to have children. (Many women can conceive in their mid-thirties but many can’t OP, I found this out the hard way, and by the way IVF is physically painful costs a fortune and mostly fails).

He then dates for a while then in his early forties has kids with someone else ten years younger than him.

He isn’t your soulmate, there is no such thing, and you want completely different lives. He is a man with whom you have great sex, common interests, share a sense of humour and taste, and feel love for. You can find this again with someone else. But you won’t have time to do that if you stay with this man another few years.

If he doesn't want kids, take him at his word.

You say partner not husband, has marriage been discussed as well?

We have lots of travel plans together, with friends and family. We've also just purchased a motorhome together which I was so looking forward to travelling in. I don't want children until I'm in my 30s as I don't feel ready yet so these plans do not include children however if we were to break up, of course, all of this wouldn't be a reality. And with the way things are, no, I would not be able to buy him out, It would be a case of selling and moving back home with my parents.

You have to really sit down with yourself and ask what do you want more the man or children?
For me it would be having a child every single time. Your young enough to leave and move it is a shame but having a baby is all or nothing. He too is young so at least he has told you now. The rest is upto you.