My long-term partner of 8 years doesn't want childen

[Rebeccalouise95]

Hello,

Just for some back story, me and my partner have been together for almost 8 years. I am 27 and he is 28. We have a home and mortgage together and spent the last couple of years renovating our home.

We touched on the subject of kids last year in couples therapy where my partner stated he couldn't see himself ever being a dad and this broke me. After a few sessions, he said it's not something he wants now but that isn't to say he wouldn't want it in the future. This gave me some slight reassurance as I myself am not ready for children, but know for sure I want a family in the future.

Over the past year, people around me are announcing pregnancies including my best friend. I decided to bring up the topic again and he straight away said - I don't want kids. This has just broken my heart, he is my soul mate and best friend and I cannot picture a life without him. But If we both want different things for the future, surely the best thing for both of us is to leave?

He says that having children means he won't be able to do the things he loves. He is quite wealthy and runs a successful business. He loves the freedom of being able to drop things and go away, do his hobbies etc.

On the other hand, I cannot picture a future for myself that doesn't include raising a family. Most of his friends, colleagues and his sister have children and continue to do what they love, so his reasonings confuse me. But I try to be compassionate and understanding with him as I know it isn't his fault.

I know he doesn't want us to end but I feel as though I have to be selfish if we cannot come to some agreement. I would love some advice on this please - I feel as though I cannot talk to anyone about this as I am ashamed to approach my friends (who are all planning weddings & families).

It may not sound like it, but for the last few days, I feel as though my heart has just been chewed up and everything now feels so uncertain. I feel as though I am grieving my future life and relationship even though it's still very much here.

I massively feel for you but I do think you need to end it. Neither of you is wrong but it's a complete incompatibility. Also, he has the option to change his mind in 20+ years time whereas you won't.

I'd be really really wary of him backtracking when he realises he's going to lose you and saying he'll probably be ready in 5 years time or whatever. In another 5 years your lives will be more entwined, he'll be more entrenched in enjoying his child free life and, if he's minded, he can then keep putting it off till it's too late for you. I would bank on him NOT changing his mind, no matter what he says. You deserve to be with someone who wants to have children as much as you do and you have the perfect amount of time to get over this relationship and find that person. Don't waste the opportunity to do that on him backtracking.

Don't let him steal your fertile years by stringing you along saying maybe in the future. It's OK for him to wait but women can't.
He's not your soul mate, that's a load of bull You just get on really well except for this one thing. However this one thing is your life and it's non negotiable.
Move on, you are young and find someone who wants a family with you.

I think you can give someone an ultimatum if it makes them think about what they really want or stand to lose. I said that I wanted children, he didn't, so I was prepared to leave if he thought about it clearly and still didn't want children.
He decided that he didn't want to lose me more than he didn't want children. So we stayed together and had two children. But, if you give an ultimatum, you have to mean it!

Before we were married, my husband said he didn't want children. I told him that was a deal breaker for me. He said he'd rather have me and children than no me. We have two children and he's been a very good dad.

Your partner is showing no signs of changing his mind. Leave while you still have time and options. He is not your soul mate - whatever that means.

I was with someone that never changed his mind after years of stringing me along and then he got j to car rallies and I knew it wouldn't change for sure. He was away a lot and didn't even batter an eyelid at leaving me.

I am now married and have two kids and a lot happier. Good luck OP...

I am in my 50s. We had at least 4 sets of friends in our late 30s who declared that they were happily child free-living their best life- who then split up mid 40s and the man had children with another woman within a couple of years.

3 out of 4 of the women are very upset still- they lost their home- the free travelling life they had hasn't materialised as they have had to take on a big mortgage mid 40s.

I will say that the men are no longer part of our circle. They didn't understand why the rest of us in our late 40s did not want to be out with babies and working around a child friendly timetable for socialising

Don't throw your dreams of motherhood away for a man, no matter how much you love him.
Please don't become one of those women who stays with a man who doesn't want children, then when it's too late for you, promptly leaves the relationship and starts a family with someone else

You might not want children until your 30s but if children are really important to you don’t stay with him until you’re in your 30s on the strength of his saying ‘it's not something he wants now but that isn't to say he wouldn't want it in the future’ when put under pressure.

Neither of you are unreasonable but also there isn't a compromise on this situation so I think you need to leave or you will end up resenting him. Do it while you're still young enough to meet someone else and have a family don't wait another 10 years..

My aunt married her husband who didn't want children but she thought he would change his mind, he didn't and then he passed away when he was 56 and left her with no one and too old to have children.

We haven’t sat down and had a real talk about it yet so I’m yet to see where he stands and why he feels this way.

This. Please don't invest another 5 years in this relationship and then find yourself mid 30s in exactly the same position. You want fundamentally different things out of life. That is fine but you are incompatible as a result. It doesn't really matter why he doesn't want children. That is his choice. But so many of us have seen relationships like this end a split and the woman childless in her early 40s and the man meeting a younger woman and becoming a father in his 40s.

The worst one I know recently was my neighbours - childless by choice. In his mid 50s he met a younger woman, she got pregnant and he is now with her and their 3 month old. No longer neighbours actually as they sold their lovely house and she is now in an apartment in another town. brutal.

@Rebeccalouise95 is it worth having some therapy yourself first to look into your feelings on this.

maybe you want children as it’s what you’ve always imagined and know and the ‘norm’.

maybe the life you could live with him could be fulfilling and filled with love, adventure and a fabulous partner without them?

or maybe it is a deal breaker and you need to explain your feelings to him.

but please please get someone objective and professional to talk it through first.

The relationship does sound lovely but the bottom line is he doesn’t want the same things in life.

It’s hard and it’s really sad, it’s very difficult to leave someone you still love. However if you stay then it’s likely that over time that love will change anyway and one day you’ll look at him with resentment, having realised you’ve sacrificed something unmeasurable for him.

Being childfree by choice is one thing, but if you want a child then it become the most painful thing you’ll ever go through. FAR more painful than any breakup

In your op you said he doesn't want kids. He enjoys the freedom of being of being able to drop things and go on holiday

He has made his opinion clear. And he has explained why

All you can do is tell him how important it is to you to have a family. But I'd be loathe to base my future family and happiness on a man changing his mind

I don't think he's led you down the garden path. It doesn't sound like he's ever said he wants kids. But I'm baffled you got a mortgage and made all these plans without discussing kids

I'm so sorry OP, but you have to take a difficult decision. My fiance announced that he never wanted children after our wedding was booked.

I tried to talk it through, explain that I couldn't see a happy future if we weren't able to have a family. It is so fundamental and I would have resented him, blamed him.

So I cancelled and walked away. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. But now looking back, as the mum of a wonderful DS, as hard as it was, it was the right decision. Resentment would eventually have overwhelmed me and neither of us would have been happy.

OP can I give you one very strong piece of advice - do not waste a single second in delaying talking to him about this. He may change his mind - he may not - but absolutely nothing will be gained by delay. Every year that passes is a year you are losing out on moving on without him if you do break up with him.

I know how unimaginable it sounds - and you know what - if it really really is that you two are soul mates, then you will end up together comprimising one way or the other. But - you can't reach that comprimise unless you are open with him.

He needs to fully understand and believe that if he doesnt have kids he won't have you. Until that moment (which maybe he will try to delay as long as possible as many men do) - he will string you along - he may not mean to unkindly - but he will put off the final decision.

If he really loves you - then he will want to know exactly how you feel about this.

And if you are going to have to move on without him - sooner rather than later.

@TheCatterall thank you for your message, the only one I’ve read on here that wasn’t so quick to end my relationship. I understand where people are coming from, I do, but this is much more than a ‘just leave’ situation. This man is my entire world his family are my family and we have an incredible life together. I will do everything in my power to explore this situation, figure things out and do what’s best for the both of us. I know people are coming from a genuine place saying ‘leave this man’ but every relationship is different and things aren’t that simple.

Has this never ever come up in 8 years apart from that once?

@waterrat Thanks so much for this message. We are going to sit down and talk about it tonight, he knows how important is it for us and really want to learn more as to why he feels the way he does. And yes, it is an unimaginable thought but something I am willing to do for my own sake, even though right now it seems like a living nightmare.

ah it's so tough, I really feel for you. I remember shaking with fear bringing it up with my husband when we first met I was so desperate to pin him down on an answer and he was so unwilling to speak about it. However...he did commit....

One thing I would say - if you really want to try and make it work with him is see if he would have some sort of counselling to look at his reasons for not wanting children - ie. family background/ beliefs about men/ women etc, but - in the end if he doesn't want them t....

Honestly no. We both have nieces and nephews which I think delayed the topic as seeing first hand how hard it is over the years, we’ve always said ‘not any time soon’. But in recent years as I’ve got older and more maternal, my feelings have changed. I know this apparently ‘baffles’ people but please remember, I am from a different generation where I’ve prioritised other things including my career, travel and life in general.

And having babies isn't a 'given'.

How would you feel if you split and it didn't happen for you?

Ah it's one of those. Where the op only thanks the posters giving her the advice she wants to hear

Good luck with that then.

I find men and women fall in to one of three camps. Those who want children, those who don't want children, or those who have never had the urge. Your partner is in the "don't want children camp". So even if he does end up agreeing to have children, it won't be because he wants them. And that is very sad for you, for him, and for the children being brought into this relationship. You only need to look at MN to see the number of men who check out of parenting because they hate it. Then imagine if you add in the fact they never wanted to be a parent in the first place...That kind of thing destroys relationships.

Children deserve to be wanted. Women deserve to be with men who want what they want. Men deserve to not be threatened and coerced into parenthood. No one is right or wrong here. You're just not compatible anymore.

Yes I am very away of that. I was asking for advice on my situation, not looking for someone to judge and interrogate me. If it was to be that I couldn’t conceive for whatever reason, I would cross that bridge when It comes, with whomever that may be with, hypothetically speaking.