My long-term partner of 8 years doesn't want childen

[Rebeccalouise95]

Hello,

Just for some back story, me and my partner have been together for almost 8 years. I am 27 and he is 28. We have a home and mortgage together and spent the last couple of years renovating our home.

We touched on the subject of kids last year in couples therapy where my partner stated he couldn't see himself ever being a dad and this broke me. After a few sessions, he said it's not something he wants now but that isn't to say he wouldn't want it in the future. This gave me some slight reassurance as I myself am not ready for children, but know for sure I want a family in the future.

Over the past year, people around me are announcing pregnancies including my best friend. I decided to bring up the topic again and he straight away said - I don't want kids. This has just broken my heart, he is my soul mate and best friend and I cannot picture a life without him. But If we both want different things for the future, surely the best thing for both of us is to leave?

He says that having children means he won't be able to do the things he loves. He is quite wealthy and runs a successful business. He loves the freedom of being able to drop things and go away, do his hobbies etc.

On the other hand, I cannot picture a future for myself that doesn't include raising a family. Most of his friends, colleagues and his sister have children and continue to do what they love, so his reasonings confuse me. But I try to be compassionate and understanding with him as I know it isn't his fault.

I know he doesn't want us to end but I feel as though I have to be selfish if we cannot come to some agreement. I would love some advice on this please - I feel as though I cannot talk to anyone about this as I am ashamed to approach my friends (who are all planning weddings & families).

It may not sound like it, but for the last few days, I feel as though my heart has just been chewed up and everything now feels so uncertain. I feel as though I am grieving my future life and relationship even though it's still very much here.

True it is possible. I'm shocked that people don't discuss kids! When I met DS dad I made it clear I wanted to be a mother and I was 21... we had a child a few years later. When your around 30 though people really should know wheather they want kids it's tricky because I genuinely believe people can change their minds this works both ways. I don't think this is the case for OP but there's a lot of men out their faffing around making out like they are unsure. Men don't really operate like women so it's no surprise that they go and have kids later on in life. It's also sad because like it has been said a woman's fertility is a ticking clock.

It's a real shame you've sunk 8 years into this before finding out if you are both on the same page re children. Don't hang around waiting for him - he's made it clear he doesn't want children and the ball is in your court now.

I asked about the marriage bit because I've seen it time and time again where the man puts off marriage and kids until the woman either gets too old or leaves.

If you do want children it's worth making sure you're 100% aware of the differences between married and cohabiting. While marriage won't make a relationship stronger, it is a legal contract that gives both parties a status and protection. Don't give up work without being married.

As for the children thing, it happens that couples who get together young break up in their late 20s over stuff like this. As hard as it is, you cannot force him to be a father. Also if he doesn't want to have kids because he doesn't want to change his lifestyle, he'd likely be a shit person to have them with.

27/28 is when it all gets a bit real and long term though - when I was 26/27 was one hen do or wedding after another - the summer I was 27, dh and I found only one week where both weekends either end were free between Easter and end of September, and all others were full with various weddings, hen dos and stag dos. (Dh was 30 that year).

then 2 years later was the baby year…

many people do just bob along in their 20s thinking that children and marriage are for proper grown ups, which they aren’t ready to think about, until suddenly they are ready to think about it.

it’s ok to have the conversation now, and be clear it is a deal breaker for you. It’s not really fair to let him think about if he wants dcs without the information that his “ideal life plan” including you and no children isn’t an option. It’s not an ultimatum, it’s the truth and he needs to know what his choices are.

if you stay with him and agree no children, be ready for the baby boom year that will hit around 30/31 amongst your friends. It will be tough.

Oh yes, marriage is a legal contract. It’s a useful one and not one I’d be without if I was planning a long term relationship with someone. You don’t have to have the expensive party.

You both want different things.
I hear what you are saying when you mention that you don't want to force him into anything - but you are reaching crunch time.

he said it's not something he wants now but that isn't to say he wouldn't want it in the future.
But then he said he really didn't want children.
So he calmed you down and said maybe and then said he didn't want to.. I don't think he could be clearer, but I do think that life is comfortable for him right now and he may dodge back to the maybe stage. However, because of this and because of the ticking clock - life is no longer as comfortable for you.

So while you are not "forcing" him to have them. I think you do need to have the discussion.

I always saw myself having them children at some stage, although I didn't want to start a family until I was 30ish.
If my partner hadn't wanted them, I don't think it would have been bearable to continue. It would have felt like an overwhelming sacrifice - and for what... his hobbies? a bit of travel?
Children make it a bit more difficult but you can still do these things if you have them. Don't sacrifice something you really want because you get on OK with your current partner at the moment. I note that a lot of your conversation about him is about how compatible he is, how you like similar things - but not that you couldn't bear to be without him.

It is a big discussion to have. You also need to consider not only the possibility of it not being simple to conceive and the pressures that can entail, but also the possibility of problems with the pregnancy or the child being born with a disability.
I know that sounds harsh but I certainly went into the world of babies and children ignorant of the problems that can be faced. Some of my very close friends had significant issues which severely tested their relationships. You both have to be fully on board and committed before you venture along this road.
I wish you lots of love and luck and hope it all works out for you both x

It's not a shame, that's the sunk cost fallacy. She's had good times in what sounds like a fairly healthy long-term relationship in her early 20s, and they'll hopefully part on amicable terms. Those are great life experiences. Breaking up with your first love in your late 20s to find someone you're more compatible with is a rite of passage for many people. It hurts but there's nothing to regret.

Dont let him waste any more of your time dangling the maybe I'll change my.mind carrot. How did you ever get to the point of buying a house without this conversation? Go. Now.

Bear in mind op, that saying you dont want them til x age doesnt mean it will happen when you want it. You might try for a long time before it happens. Dont start too late.

if he doesn’t want children and he decides to go ahead to keep you happy the likelihood of him being a good father becomes vanishingly small. For this alone I would leave. Too many women have children with men whp
ciuldbt be less interested. It’s a heartbreak all on its own.

@Rebeccalouise95 you’re both in your late 20s, have a house and mortgage, have jobs, and been together for years. If he doesn’t want a child then I’ll doubt he ever will. He might finally feel ready at 35, but by that point it might be too late for you.

I know you said you don’t want children until your 30s, but you never know what might happen. You might start trying at 35, but you’re still not pregnant after a year of trying to conceive. You then spend a couple of years doing a series of tests and scans to find out why you can’t get pregnant. Then you’ll have years of fertility treatments. The younger you are when you find out you need fertility treatment, the better.

Update:

Me and DP have been speaking/crying for hours going over everything. He understands that this is a deal breaker for me. I’ve expressed everything about needing a time frame and certainty. He’s also expressed to me how he has never thought of himself as being a dad before and it scares him. Especially with his lifestyle and finances. I told him that I am so passionate about becoming a mum before my time runs out. I told him how he has the luxury of time and I do not and he understands that. He knows firmly where I stand and as heartbreaking as it is I’m prepared to walk away. He’s said he needs a few days to think about everything and all the possibilities/talk to family as he doesn’t want to loose me but also wants to be sure of what he wants and that he can stick by his word as he doesn’t want to string me along or mislead me. I told him I wouldn’t want him to resent me if he decides to have children and he said he would never resent me as we’ve been through too much.

If you do break up you will both be ok OP. You both care enough about each other to see that this issue is a deal breaker and so there probably won’t be any lasting resentment once you’ve disentangled your lives. I’d give it a week and talk again and then make your decision.

I have been exactly where you are OP. I was 27 when my then BF of 6 years told me he didn't want children (he had previously said he did). It took us nearly a year from that day to properly break up as it was so hard for us both to make that decision and I was truly heartbroken. However, it was the best thing I ever did. I moved to London, lived with friends, spent a few years focusing on my career and having the best time and then at 31 met my now husband. I am now 39 and have just put my 3 beautiful children to bed and am so very happy. It hurt a lot at the time but everything worked out how it was supposed to. I'm so glad I did it with someone who was as keen as I was about being a parent as it's tough at times and you need that full commitment from the other person.

@Rebeccalouise95 It's kind of you to update randomers on the internet. FWIW, I sincerely hope he realises that he is so keen not to lose you that he will 'see sense' and crack on with marriage and children. But if he doesn't, then you will at least know where you stand, and can make your decisions accordingly.

I don't see why he has to consult his family, but that's another matter.

FWIW, I had the same conversation with my ex husband, who chose me and children over losing me. We had children and ended up divorced, so he lost me anyway. You never know what life will throw at you.

Why am I not surprised you're not married either?

Facts are, the odds are stacked completely against this relationship lasting (kids or no kids).

The further actions depend on how much you believe in miracles, OP.

I was in a similar position to you but the other way around. I got with my ex husband in college after being friends for 6 months. He knew I was childfree and he said he was too. We got married at 28 and on our honeymoon he asked when we would have children. I was obviously more than shocked - we were both childfree… well, no, we weren’t. He lied because he assumed women changed their mind and wanted children when they got married. So my marriage lasted less than 72 hours. Was I sad? I was devastated. We were best friends! He was all I had ever known but there’s no compromise when it comes to this decision. I met my now husband 3 months after my divorce was made final and I have been with him for decades and I’m so happy, I know it was the right thing even though it was gut wrenching and heart breaking at the time. My ex husband wanted to stay friends but after finding out he lied to me for so many years I just couldn’t stay friends with him which, again, was a really hard decision for me but was the right thing because he moved just around the corner and for so long when I saw him around I would feel so angry.

So my advice is, if your relationship has to end, made it a quick and clean break and you need to write down why it had to end so you can remember it during the hard times when you wish everything was different and one day (hopefully soon after the relationship ends) you will realise it was the right thing and the best thing for you.

If you both want the relationship to continue and there is any way at all that can happen, then I hope you can both work it out and wish you lots of luck. You’re in a terrible position and I hope one way or another it works out well for you 💐

@QueenCamilla Thanks but no thanks for your completely ignorant and unnecessary opinion that nobody asked for! Have a wonderful evening.

@Jellybeandance Thanks so much for sharing your story it means a lot. And I really appreciate that, I hope so too x

.. And I got married at 27, in a registry office, in a baby-doll dress from TKmaxx hiding a 4month baby bump.

Even though ExH and I have been apart for 5 years now, he is a great co-parent to the child we both wanted and the marriage still benefits our finances no end, as we have decided not to divorce.

So all sorts of situations in this world but people who want to commit via marriage and children... They just go and do it!

Just saw that ⬆️.

I accept my opinion as unnecessary. It's far from ignorant though.

Fair enough & good luck.

I’ve been in this situation, though in mine he has wanted kids and then changed his mind. When it started I was only a little older than you are now. It took us 2 years to break up fully and it was and remains the worst thing that I have ever experienced in my life. I’d advise you to think about what you want and feel, and not about what anyone on the internet says. I support the PP who said you should do your own counselling to work out what you want. 95% of MN will say to leave, but there are other options, and not every man will “leave in ten years anyway”. Follow your own heart, not the internet, whichever direction that takes you. Best of luck xxx

Unfortunately for you he will get with someone when he's older and have kids and you will have wasted years waiting for it.

Take as old as time... well certainly on MN

#tale