My long-term partner of 8 years doesn't want childen

[Rebeccalouise95]

Hello,

Just for some back story, me and my partner have been together for almost 8 years. I am 27 and he is 28. We have a home and mortgage together and spent the last couple of years renovating our home.

We touched on the subject of kids last year in couples therapy where my partner stated he couldn't see himself ever being a dad and this broke me. After a few sessions, he said it's not something he wants now but that isn't to say he wouldn't want it in the future. This gave me some slight reassurance as I myself am not ready for children, but know for sure I want a family in the future.

Over the past year, people around me are announcing pregnancies including my best friend. I decided to bring up the topic again and he straight away said - I don't want kids. This has just broken my heart, he is my soul mate and best friend and I cannot picture a life without him. But If we both want different things for the future, surely the best thing for both of us is to leave?

He says that having children means he won't be able to do the things he loves. He is quite wealthy and runs a successful business. He loves the freedom of being able to drop things and go away, do his hobbies etc.

On the other hand, I cannot picture a future for myself that doesn't include raising a family. Most of his friends, colleagues and his sister have children and continue to do what they love, so his reasonings confuse me. But I try to be compassionate and understanding with him as I know it isn't his fault.

I know he doesn't want us to end but I feel as though I have to be selfish if we cannot come to some agreement. I would love some advice on this please - I feel as though I cannot talk to anyone about this as I am ashamed to approach my friends (who are all planning weddings & families).

It may not sound like it, but for the last few days, I feel as though my heart has just been chewed up and everything now feels so uncertain. I feel as though I am grieving my future life and relationship even though it's still very much here.

OP I wish you well and agree with the pp who suggested you talk with him about this as soon as possible.

I know it seems like too many of us are too quick to say leave him but most of us have seen this play out with friends over the years and it rarely ends well for the woman who wants children.

This man is my entire world his family are my family and we have an incredible life together.

This was true of my neighbours - married 25 years. They shared so much - both classically trained singers who performed together and were a big part of the music scene here, adored their dogs, terribly close to family, 25 years of holiday dinners etc. Family all very upset at the divorce. Well now his parents (very elderly - we know them in a different context) are thrilled to finally have a grandchild and no one sees her anymore. How could they?(oh and the dog had to be rehomed with a friend - you couldn't make it up).

I’m grateful for everyone here taking time out of their day to offer me advice.. no matter how hard hitting it is. Please understand this is very raw and heartbreaking for me therefore reading hard hitting messages is difficult for me. I’m very thankful for those looking out for me I’m just going through a tough time and any ounce of reassurance is going a long way. Sorry for rambling, I hope you understand that I’m not just picking who I thank. I have taken so much from this x

An ultimatum isn't the way to go, you don't want the father of your children to have his hand up his back.

This is a shit decision to have to make and in many ways there is no right answer, but it's not something you can meet half way on unfortunately, and you both see different futures.

@callthataspade you've got that right.

Sorry this is happening to you OP. One positive is that he's given you an answer whilst you are still young.
It's good that you are both going to sit down and talk about it, I would advise trying to avoid going round in circles. I think if children are important to you, you will have to end your relationship. It's not fair for either of you to put pressure on him into changing his mind. You could be 10 years down the line in the same situation.

Not to be negative, but my mums dear friend's husband didn't want children, he kept saying, maybe one day, and she got to 40 and it was too late for her. The poor woman used to get so upset on Mothers Day as she never really made peace with it.

I'm sure it is very hard if you love someone very much. You could put a time restriction on it, ie. agree talk again at 30,and then make a decision.

Wishing you all the best

I don't think either of you is wrong, but ultimately you both want different things, and even if one of you compromises, it will lead to resentment in the future, and this wouldn't be good in the long run if you both did end up having children.

I think both of you need to have a serious conversation about how you see the future and what you both want to come from it. It's clear you absolutely see your future as a mum eventually when it does suit you, but if this is a definite no from your partner, then I am sure you can both end on good terms and be good friends.

It sounds like you have a good relationship but have that talk together :)

Good Luck

Good luck chatting to him tonight xx

I’m sorry that you think I am being unappreciative. I am so very thankful for everyone here taking time out of their day to share advice and look out for me. I’m struggling to cope at the moment as this is all very raw and real in my life. I’m latching onto any ounce of reassurance but really am soaking up every persons piece of advice, as hard as it is. Thanks for understanding x

It's really heartbreaking when this happens, ultimately its not something you can compromise on fairly without someone likely to grow resentful.

It's good you are speaking to him about it, it absolutely doesn't have to be an ultimatum but it is worth seeing exactly where you're both at before making a decision.

Ultimately its likely his stance is the same, you know if children would be more important to you than this relationship or not, although it's so sad to walk away sometimes it's the best thing overall.

I feel really bad for you OP, because it’s clear that you’re really torn between the man you love and your desire to be a mum one day. I am the same age as you and my DH is just as you describe yours to be regarding hobbies, his own plans etc. I have noticed that lots of my friends partner’s do not want to have kids or settle down either. I wonder whether it’s a generational thing? I do have a newborn with my DH who is similar to what you describe and it’s far from easy as DH hasn’t and won’t give up anything to be a dad.
Even if you give your DP an ultimatum, there’s no guarantee that if you did have a baby he would actually be any help/he’d stick around/he’d want to be a family unit. You’d then possibly be left without him or resenting him, looking after a baby on your own and your baby potentially wouldn’t have a dad.
I do personally believe that you’ve got to make the decision between him and a baby because it’s possible he will never really want to be a dad.

No ultimatums necessary. You want kids and he doesn't. One of you is going to be very disappointed.

I'm curious: you've said lots of your friends are planning weddings and babies. Have you two discussed marriage as one of all the plans you have? Or is that another thing he's not so keen on?

Children are a deal breaker. If you want them and he doesn't, he's not the right person for you.

I had a somewhat similar situation with my partner - it started that we both had no (immediate) interest in having children, then I gradually decided I did, but he didn’t. We had a bit of a wobble at this point. But I stuck with him and he eventually came round - in the end he was more committed than me to the idea!

I’m not suggesting this as a recommended approach, just to share my experience. For me having children was never absolutely everything to me, and my partner was never ‘absolutely not’, just ‘I don’t think I do’. So I was prepared to wait and see. We ended up having children relatively late (I was 35 and 39 when my DC were born), and neither of us have any regrets.

@Rebeccalouise95 such a tough situation and I can see from many sides.

I never wanted kids. My parents had a bad relationship, my relationship with them was strained and I never wanted marriage or kids as a result. I changed my mind at 30 after distancing myself and seeing other, much more healthy relationships. Luckily my DH was on-board.

My friend always wanted marriage and kids. Her partner said marriage was a bit of paper, and kept pushing kids to being 'not now'. Strung her along until she left him at 38. Within 2 years he'd married his new girlfriend who was in her 20s and she was pregnant. My friend never got her chance to be a mum.

He could change his mind, he might not. If you wait too long for the chance that he will, you might miss your chance. If you're 100% I need to be a mum, I'd say you need to leave sooner rather than later. If you're willing and able to go down other routes such as IVF with donor sperm then you have longer.

I'm glad you're able to have this conversation with your partner. No one is unreasonable here, you might just be incompatible because you want different things. Make sure you are clear with him though, that you have been considering leaving because he does not want children. Not as an ultimatum, but he needs to understand how much of a big deal it is to you. He needs to know his choice is between a life with you and children, or the child free life but it will be without you. He needs to know child free with you is off the table.

@Marzipangirl3 Thanks for your message, it’s nice to hear from someone the same age. I do believe it to be a generation thing. I really want to understand his reasonings more without being forceful. As heartbreaking as it is, I am prepared to leave if he is definitive on not having a family one day. Breaks my heart writing that. I am however prepared to do all it takes. We both have incredible families, with nieces and nephews ourselves and wouldn’t doubt for a second himself or his family could turn away from a child. However I would never carry on if I knew it was something he is 100% sure off. We’re yet to come to that and will be talking about it all tonight. Thank you for replying I appreciate it x

@InternetRandom Thanks for replying. Yes we have talked about marriage. Neither of us are bothered about getting married. For us, it’s not something I’ve ever cared about and ultimately never believed it would make our love or relationship stronger. Just expensive! (But that’s my opinion) I totally see why others disagree. But, Marriage isn’t the issue here. And yeah that’s the difficult part. Thanks for taking the time x

Marriage isn't about making a relationship stronger. It's about financial protection, which is actually very important if you have children. Without marriage there is not a thing stopping him from walking away from you all, and all you'd be entitled to is whatever you paid into the house. Whatever hit you take career-wise and pension-wise to have children, will not be recoverable. But if you get divorced you will get that back via his pension. That's just one example. You are being very naive to think marriage is about love.

That's cool as long it's genuinely how you feel. It is worth considering, now you're at this point, if at the heart of it, your relationship works because you're content to agree over things and he gets the final say because he has stronger views about what he wants. Children might be the first time that's been tested. Has he done anything he really didn't favour himself because you very much wanted it? (E.g. choice of house, going to a major event, getting a pet maybe)

Im sorry OP but you need to leave if you want children, giving him an ultimatum will just cause resentment.

My husbands aunt stayed with her DH thinking he would change his mind, he never did, they got into their 40s and she made peace with not having children, he left her and had children with a woman in her 20s, eeeek.

I’m a woman who doesn’t want children. I make this very clear to people on the first date because I don’t want a relationship with someone who wants them, so I struggle to see how this hasn’t come up in 8 whole years.

I have a partner I adore but if he changed his mind and said he wanted children, and it was either that or he left me, I’d choose to break up. Having kids you don’t want to try and save a relationship won’t work - so if you give him an ultimatum be prepared that he will leave.

ultimately I don’t think there’s any compromise, you can’t ask him to compromise and have a child any more than he can ask you not to have one. There is no way to meet in the middle. Understanding his reasons won’t change the fact he doesn’t want them - think of it the other way around, what are your reasons for wanting them? Ultimately it’s not about reasons, it’s just a feeling, right? You could list all the positives of having kids to me but it would never persuade me.

He is very layed back, and ultimately wants me to be happy and that’s how I feel too. I guess you’re right, this is the first time he will feel tested. and I truly believe too that he doesn’t think for a second we will ever be apart. Decision making has aways been so easy for us, as long as we’re both happy with something we’ve gone for it.

Thanks for sharing! We started dating at 18 and got together at 20. Up until 25 it wasn’t a thought in our minds. I’ve been very preoccupied over the years with work, travel and my nieces and nephews. And if I’m being honest, been so hands on with them taught me how hard parenting is. Like I said earlier, we always said ‘not anytime soon’ and until last year I started to really consider it. Please don’t judge my situation. I’m simply just sharing my story. I never really anticipated that he would be against it which is why I am where I am. But that cannot be changed. Thanks for responding I appreciate you taking the time x

This man is my entire world his family are my family and we have an incredible life together. I will do everything in my power to explore this situation, figure things out and do what’s best for the both of us.

Including not have children? Or will it only be good if he gives in and makes you happy?

You seem to think him not wanting children is a bad thing. It isn't, regardless of the reasons. So you delaying the inevitable by wanting to 'understand why' when he's made it clear is because you're trying to convince him otherwise.

Would you be okay with him not understanding why you want to have kids and constantly wanting to convince you otherwise? If so, then go for it. If not, you're being a tad hypocritical.

Women make this mistake all the time, then years later (8 years so far in your case), come complaining about something that was clear in the first place or regretting their decision to to stay and try to change someone's mind because they were 'so in love' and dependent (in other words, a bit blinkered to reality).

I hope you both continue to be happy and it works out for both of you, not just you.

Beware of staying if he says he will think about it or he's not 100% but maybe in a few years. I be waited to my 30s to have children and had years of heartbreaking fertility treatment before IVF worked. The sad reality is that he can afford to wait, but you might not have the luxury.

Thanks for responding. I am in no way intending to force him into anything. I love him deeply, respect him massively and saying I want to explore simply means I want to know why he feels the way he does as for me, it would make it easier knowing there is nothing I or anyone could do. Like I said in my initial post, I am trying to be compassionate with him and his choice. No choice is the right choice and that’s ok. We are individuals with our own desires. I would never pressure someone to bring a child into this world. We have spent so much of our lives together for us to treat each other with such disrespect.