My long-term partner of 8 years doesn't want childen

[Rebeccalouise95]

Hello,

Just for some back story, me and my partner have been together for almost 8 years. I am 27 and he is 28. We have a home and mortgage together and spent the last couple of years renovating our home.

We touched on the subject of kids last year in couples therapy where my partner stated he couldn't see himself ever being a dad and this broke me. After a few sessions, he said it's not something he wants now but that isn't to say he wouldn't want it in the future. This gave me some slight reassurance as I myself am not ready for children, but know for sure I want a family in the future.

Over the past year, people around me are announcing pregnancies including my best friend. I decided to bring up the topic again and he straight away said - I don't want kids. This has just broken my heart, he is my soul mate and best friend and I cannot picture a life without him. But If we both want different things for the future, surely the best thing for both of us is to leave?

He says that having children means he won't be able to do the things he loves. He is quite wealthy and runs a successful business. He loves the freedom of being able to drop things and go away, do his hobbies etc.

On the other hand, I cannot picture a future for myself that doesn't include raising a family. Most of his friends, colleagues and his sister have children and continue to do what they love, so his reasonings confuse me. But I try to be compassionate and understanding with him as I know it isn't his fault.

I know he doesn't want us to end but I feel as though I have to be selfish if we cannot come to some agreement. I would love some advice on this please - I feel as though I cannot talk to anyone about this as I am ashamed to approach my friends (who are all planning weddings & families).

It may not sound like it, but for the last few days, I feel as though my heart has just been chewed up and everything now feels so uncertain. I feel as though I am grieving my future life and relationship even though it's still very much here.

@shadytree I’ve never used this platform before and have realised how harsh some people can be! I really appreciate this message. And I know if I was to leave this relationship it would be the most devastating thing I think I’ll ever have to face. Some people on here don’t seem to empathise with that and believe they know it all. Thanks so much for your sensitive words it means a lot to me during this incredibly tough time and I will certainly take your advice on board xx

I think many of us on here are a bit jaded because we've had bad experiences with men. Only you know whether this man is worth giving up your dream of children for. For me, it wouldn't be. I have never had a relationship like the one you describe, so I can't really compare. But the joy that my child brings me surpasses anything I can imagine getting from a romantic relationship.

It sounds like you know what you want, and you're prepared to walk away. You've done your bit. The next stage is up to him, it's out of your hands, so try not to dwell on it. If he decides he wants a family, lock him down on a timeline. If he doesn't, don't see your relationship as a waste or a failure. You've had eight fanatstic years together - more than lots of people get in a lifetime. Nothing is going to take that time away from you, not even a break up. You've known a good and respectful relationship and so are starting from a strong position when it comes to choosing your next one. You won't take crap, because you know what a relationship looks like when it's working well. And you know that children is a dealbreaker. Also 8 years seems like a long time now, but if you met someone else tomorrow, you would only be 35 in another 8 years' time. I'm sorry if this seems like a callous thing to say - I say it because when I was your same age and started having doubts, I stayed because we'd also been together 8 years and it seemed impossible to break up after all that time. It was, in my case, a devestating mistake. Now we've been together 15 years, and I know that we won't make another 15, but now we have children and live in misery. If I could go back in time and yell at myself that 27 is not too old to start again, I would - but I can't, so I'm telling you, instead.

Sounds like you had a good honest conversation OP. I hope he comes back with the answer you want, and if not I hope that things work out for you in some other way 🤞

I hope you get the answer you want OP.

I would however like to address a couple of points you made up thread about being 'a different generation' - I don't think that's particularly helpful thinking although I know some of the advice you got was 'robust'.

I actually sound like my granny rn - but your generation didn't invent prioritising travel and adventure and whatever over child-rearing. You aren't speaking to a collective of women who came straight out of school and went straight into the kitchen. The pill was invented in the 60s. We've all grappled with this kind of dilemma before. That's why the advice has been so forthright, because we've been through it, we all know egg thief men, we all know women who missed their chances because of it and who are now in their 50s and 60s child free and not having come to terms with it. We all also know many, many women who are child free by choice and happy, but they are not you.

Just a few words of advice- I can see you’re aware a ‘maybe’ or let’s decide when im 30 is just stringing you along (& if he’s willing to do that then he doesn’t really love you). In your conversations ask yourself how hard are you trying to understand him, and how hard is he trying to understand you.
you talk about him being busy wiht work and snap holidays etc. Does he do his fair share of house work and cooking? Any imbalances there would only get worse with a baby. It’s amazing the number of otherwise intelligent men who when their partner says I’m too tired to go out after a week home with the baby thinks oh I may as well go out then if she’s not, making the problem worse. Instead of cooking dinner, cleaning it up and letting her get to bed early.

Awww bless, you invented travel and work and living?

At your age I was was living in Italy and having a lovely love affair with an Italian colleague (we both worked in the design industry) I was only in Italy for a couple of years before returning to do a Masters in Fine Art.
I'd travelled to about 25 countries by your age and spent my years after school mixture of working in the arts or at university, which gave me loads of wonderful experiences.

You've got a motor home in your 20's? That's what people do when they want to slow down and retire in my view.

I think you have both dealt with this really well op and you both sound fab. It's one of those impossible situations where either one of you or both of you end up hurting.
I will just add this though because you are, quite rightly, being defensive cos he does sound like a good man and it seems like posters are attacking him. These "egg thieves" are not always wicked men who purposefully set out to rob women of their fertile years. They sometimes, genuinely do not want children then all of a sudden they get to an age and panic, just like we do! It's just us women get to an age where its not possible for us, the ship has sailed. So yes, they tend to move on to a younger woman. Just keep this in mind when making your decision.
He is doing the right thing, taking time to process, discuss with his family. I hope it works out for you both!

Van life is very trendy at the mo. We have just been to a seaside resort and I would say 80% of the people with motorhomes, taking advantage of the free parking, were in their 20's or very early 30's! Once you have paid the initial cost of the van/motor home it's a really cheap way to see the country and plus people can work from anywhere now so you can be away for longer.

There is no good solution to this, and I feel for you, OP. I broke up with a guy I was happy with for 3 1/2 years because he told me he never wanted kids (and now, at 46, he doesn't have any). It was very hard, as he was a wonderful man, still probably the best person I had ever been with.
My DH told me he wanted kids, but it turned out he was "one and done". This was hard to accept at the time; in the end, for me it was a choice of whether to leave him and try to find someone else to have another child with or stay and have just one. We have a good marriage and I stayed; we have just the one child, and I am fine with that now - it would have been unfair to try and get pregnant again when he wasn't on board. I, however, would not have been fine without children. Your partner told you what he thinks, OP, and you should believe him. You have a hard choice to make. Please accept hugs from a stranger who's walked in your shoes - it is a hard choice.

OP, this is a horrible situation to be in especially when it is clear you have a very happy and loving relationship. It is not easy to end a relationship with such great foundations. However, you clearly need to have some serious conversations about your future. The painful fact is right now you envision two very different lives for your futures. What would also worry me is that your boyfriend says 'i don't want kids.' I'm surprised at this point it hasn't become a 'we' decision which it is.

You need to clarify your stances on this sooner rather than later. The future has a way of arriving much earlier than you think. If he is resolute in his decision to not have kids, do not assume he will or may change his mind. Accept it as a definite no. If you want to stay in a relationship with him you will have to accept not having kids.
If you are set on having kids, then as hard as it is you will need to end the relationship and move on. It is far easier said than done.

I say all this from experience, I clung on a bit longer than you I was 31 when I decided to end a very happy relationship with a man I adored who simply did not want kids. I spent months completely lost thinking I'd lost mind to throw away such a good man when I now not even meet one at all. I did meet someone in else, who put my heart back together and makes me incredibly happy. We welcomed our second child last year. I still keep in touch with ex, he got married a couple of years ago, he still doesn't want kids and neither does his wife. Things worked out for both of us much better than they would have if we had stayed together.

Your responses on this thread are really unpleasant in tone. Really unkind. I bet OP doesn't care about your life in Italy at all - there's no constructive advice for her here at all

Sad thing is I bet he would be a great dad . It's usually the way . I would get out now if you want kids because you will grow to resent him .

@ponyinmud My partner is an MX biker, we travel to tracks across the UK and Europe. No age limit last time I checked… thanks for you opinion though! It’s incredible, would certainly recommend.

Brilliant post.

OP, leave. Find someone who wants a family.

Some women already have problems conceiving by their mid 30s. It’s hard to know who will be the unlucky ones. Don’t delay; leave and look for someone else.

Well aren't you special?

If you're not on the same page it's better to get out now when you're still young and have plenty of time to meet someone else.

@Rebeccalouise95 I’m so glad you’ve had a proper conversation with your DP. It was a brave thing to do and you’ve shown a lot of strength by tackling this.

There's 3 main possibilities here -

1. He's just not bothered with children and he sees a lot of downsides to it. He is scared that it will stop him from doing what he loves as often as he likes.

2. He's young for his age, and although he may be 28, he might feel more like he's 22 on the inside. Therefore, having children still seems like a far off thing for him, and he's not ready for it.

3. You are not his 'The One'.

The first seems quite likely, and I'd be really careful if I were you. You will see posts on here fairly regularly of golf widows or biking widows where their husbands disappear every weekend, leaving them alone with the children to the point they feel like a single parent. However, whenever the woman wants time to herself, it is always treated as less important or just refused by her husband, and she never gets a break. It breeds deep resentment that either splits them up or remains with the woman for decades.

At least he had the good grace to tell you his concerns now. Be aware though, that if he decides to have kids, there is a danger he'll mainly be doing it for you, and will see it as your sole responsibility to do all the boring, grown-up still whilst he maintains much of the same lifestyle and hobbies that he had before. You might end up like those golf widows anyway. He needs to be fully on-board and convinced of the idea of having kids, other wise there is a high risk of this.

I note that you are not married but have been together for along time. You might not be bothered about this, and personally, I am not religious, but be aware that not marrying their partner is how some men seem to express their dissatisfaction. It's their way of 'settling'. The types are willing to move in, have a mortgage, even have kids with their partner....but marrying is their way of reserving themselves for their future 'the one'. Be careful you don't wait and wait for him, only for him to leave you at the age of 35 for a woman who is 25 who he'll then marry and have children with in quick succession. It's difficult to think of your partner, the person you trust in that way, but do keep it in mind.

@ponyinmud Are you aware of how self aggrandising you sound?

And btw, you comment is showing your age. There are many young influencers on Youtube who go about the U.K in their campervans or motorhomes.

@jemimapuddlepluck Yes but Jemima, PonyinMund here has travelled to 25 countries!

Bet she shoe-horns that into a lot of conversations she has 😂

I know he doesn't want us to end but I feel as though I have to be selfish if we cannot come to some agreement.

It;s not selfish my dear.
It's about recognising that this is an irreconcilable difference, & that you would need to sacrifice any chance of having a family if you stay with him.

If anyone;s been selfish here, it;s him.
Not for not wanting to be a parent - that's dandy. But for lying to you with his whole future faking bullshit about he'd have kids later.

Pony, why are you wanking on about your own life in such an embarrassingly gauche manner?

Yes, but has she sat in a campervan on a sea front in March, wearing fingerless gloves & eating a pot noodle? If not, she hasn't lived 😁

Sorry OP. I’m glad he understands the situation now.

Don’t wait around much longer for this one.

Read too many posts by women waiting until it’s too late for them to have DC. Then the man meets ‘the one’ and is married with a family in under a year.

I hope it all works out xx