My long-term partner of 8 years doesn't want childen

[Rebeccalouise95]

Hello,

Just for some back story, me and my partner have been together for almost 8 years. I am 27 and he is 28. We have a home and mortgage together and spent the last couple of years renovating our home.

We touched on the subject of kids last year in couples therapy where my partner stated he couldn't see himself ever being a dad and this broke me. After a few sessions, he said it's not something he wants now but that isn't to say he wouldn't want it in the future. This gave me some slight reassurance as I myself am not ready for children, but know for sure I want a family in the future.

Over the past year, people around me are announcing pregnancies including my best friend. I decided to bring up the topic again and he straight away said - I don't want kids. This has just broken my heart, he is my soul mate and best friend and I cannot picture a life without him. But If we both want different things for the future, surely the best thing for both of us is to leave?

He says that having children means he won't be able to do the things he loves. He is quite wealthy and runs a successful business. He loves the freedom of being able to drop things and go away, do his hobbies etc.

On the other hand, I cannot picture a future for myself that doesn't include raising a family. Most of his friends, colleagues and his sister have children and continue to do what they love, so his reasonings confuse me. But I try to be compassionate and understanding with him as I know it isn't his fault.

I know he doesn't want us to end but I feel as though I have to be selfish if we cannot come to some agreement. I would love some advice on this please - I feel as though I cannot talk to anyone about this as I am ashamed to approach my friends (who are all planning weddings & families).

It may not sound like it, but for the last few days, I feel as though my heart has just been chewed up and everything now feels so uncertain. I feel as though I am grieving my future life and relationship even though it's still very much here.

I'm sorry @Rebeccalouise95 - this is a rubbish situation to be in.

FWIW:

If you are thinking now about having children, you are only going to be thinking more and more about it. In one of your posts, you're sort of suggesting that you might be able to come to terms with not having them - but it's clear that you're tying yourself in knots to be fair and kind to your partner, rather than thinking about what you actually want.

27 is not young. If you wait around, you'll find that you're 35 and desperate for a child, and your partner will still not want one. He has at least been clear about not wanting children (either with you or at all - nobody will know the answer to that until you're both much older).

If you stay with him, you will come to resent him. No holiday will make up for not at least trying to have children (no guarantee either of you could have them, obviously).

There is no such thing as a soul mate. There are countless men who would be a good husband to you and a good father to your children. Romantic 'love' is not enough.

Are you sure you don't want to get married - or is your partner speaking through you? Marriage isn't expensive - my marriage cost £100ish (though that was more than 20 years ago so it would be a bit more than that now). Marriage is essential if you would be giving up your career progression/earnings by having children.

I know this is all easier said than done, but you would be doing yourself a massive favour by getting out now, spending some time to feel sad about the loss of this relationship, and then finding someone who wants the same as you do.

I think your partner has been completely honest with you, and you have to accept that you can't change that. Understanding why won't make him change his mind, and it shouldn't.

If I was you at this point I'd be leaving. You will grow to resent his decision and then risk being too old to get what you want in terms of a family.

If you stay you absolutely should get married for your own financial protection, it's not about soul mates.

I'm not sure why you keep saying this a generational thing, it's a tale as old as time.

In my experience a lot of men in their 20s don't want kids, and often don't think they'll ever want kids. Some of them change their minds, some don't, some just drift into fatherhood because it's the done thing, some are adamant it's not for them.

I've known people in your situation OP where it works out fine and the man is persuaded to have kids, then adores being a dad. I've known cases where the man didn't like being a dad and was crap at it. And I've known relationships where the man never agreed to being a father and the couple broke up. And as others have said, those men often end up having kids in their 40s with younger women.

The thing to remember OP is that he has more time than you to think about this. You have 10 years fairly comfortably, possibly another 5 after that if you're lucky. He has 25+ years.

You need to do 2 things. One is to have an honest conversation with him. Tell him that you can't imagine your life without children, and that whilst you may not want them now, you know with absolute certainty that you will want them one day, and that if he doesn't want the same thing then you may need to review your future together.
The other thing is to set yourself a deadline. As others have said, a lot of men in this situation will be desperate to keep the partner they love, and will say they're not ruling out having kids, so that their partner ends up staying and waiting. Set a deadline for how long you will wait, allowing yourself time to meet someone else if he sticks to his no-kids decision.

I was in your situation OP so I know how heartbreaking it is. I literally couldn't believe my life was unravelling before my eyes. I was older so I took the agonising decision to leave and have kids on my own. No regrets at all 20 years later but it broke my heart at the time.

Doesn’t want children, no talk of marriage after eight years. He doesn’t see this long term, I’m sorry. You can waste more time talking or start to move on with your life. He can’t give you what you want

The thing is OP I don't class you both as young and you have been together a long time.
I've been with my husband since I was 14 and when we got to around 20/21 we started having the conversations about what we want in life.
This was regarding where we see ourselves living, marriage and children etc.
I can't believe in the 8 years yous have been together that yous haven't sat down and communicated this.

The reasons you have put down about not marriage.... is it definitely both of you or just him? You said that he is quite wealthy, but not mentioned your career, are you both on the mortgage of your house and contributing financially etc. You could leave yourself as vulnerable.

When I was your age (I sound ancient but it was only 7 years ago) the urge to become a mother was unbearable, we had been married 2 years and my husband was scared of the unknown but knew he wanted children. It did take us 2.5 years to conceive (no issues found and we have a failed IVF round).
If he doesn't see himself at the age of 28 having children then he probably won't change his mind.
The resentment in the relationship will build up, this isn't healthy.
The communication between you both doesn't see great from what you've described, going to therapy after not communicating about house renovations. Relationships are all about communication, the ups and downs and when your a parent it's very important.
I think the ultimatum conversation needs to be very soon

@Sarahcoggles this is exactly what I plan to say and you couldn’t have articulated it more perfectly. Thank you. It’s agonising and not easy for either of us. I’m so happy it all worked out for you in the end x

Was just thinking the same thing! What's the point 🙄

You are young enough to find someone else to parent with but not young enough to wait a second longer to do that.

@MoserRothOrangeandAlmond Firstly, thanks for responding and sharing your advice and story. However I find this an incredibly distasteful response whereby you’re simply projecting your own personal ideals rather than advising on mine. You do not know me or my partner or my relationship. I have shared my predicament asking for advice on how to address it. What I haven’t asked for is to be interrogated and judged. My partner was already attending therapy due to the stress of running a family business which he took on at 19 years of age. I was suffering heavily with anxiety during house renovations which is why he suggested going to speak with his therapist - it was nothing to do with our relationship, this is where the question of children came up. I’m sorry you are so offended at the fact we hadn’t discussed children prior but like I have said on numerous occasions throughout this thread, it hasn’t been a priority to me until around 1 year ago for various reasons. I understand you feel as though you’re trying to help but during what is a horrendous time for me right now, I find your comment very ignorant. I am so very happy that your situation turned out great for you and you were so head strong with what you wanted at a young age. However, we have prioritised our relationship different and that is OK. It doesn’t mean that what I’m going though right now is deserved or in anyway invalid - Which is what I believe you to be suggesting.

He is only 28 so I'm not 100% convinced he won't change his mind. My husband said he didn't want kids at that age. Now he has 2. I made it very clear that I would not stay with him if kids were off the cards. Was non negotiable. Ultimately he came round but this was agreed before any commitment like buying a home etc.

I think it's worth laying it all out as you are doing and see if there is any room for negotiation. I'm glad you are having this convo now. It must be heartbreaking.

Thank you for sharing. I pray so much for the same outcome but ultimately what will be will be x

She's literally thanked every one in an earlier post, even the people giving her advice that's hard to hear.

She's literally said she's prepared to leave him over this, so I don't really know what more you want to hear from her.

She understands that she needs to have a proper conversation with her DP about this, and that she needs to make her decisions following this. While this convo should have happened years ago, I understand why it didn't. It's an early in the relationship convo, it's not exactly top of anyone's priorities when that relationship starts at 18. It's easy to go along for 8 years thinking that DP is in lockstep with you, and then have the rug pulled when you find out your not in agreement on this huge thing.

This couple need to have the conversation, and OP needs to make absolutely clear that this is a deal breaker for her. The marriage conversation needs to happen too. If kids do happen, OP is putting herself at risk if they're not married.

@fdgdfgdfgdfg Thank you. I haven’t intended to upset anyone or make anyone’s opinions or advice invalid. I’m taking everything on board.

Many couples talk about what would happen if contraception failed. I’m assuming you’ve never had that conversation either? Would he expect you to have an abortion?

No worries.

You've mentioned that you think people are criticising you because of a generational difference, but I don't think it's that, I think it's because they don't get how this conversation hasn't happened yet. And it's because you got together at 18. I spent 4 years with my first girlfriend, we never discussed kids because it just wasn't on our radar, we were still practically kids ourselves!

You should have discussed it before now, but you've both been in your little bubble of love for 8 years and why risk popping it if you're not bothered about kids? Which you weren't until recently.

One bit of advice I'll give is to beware of him telling you what you want to hear in the upcoming convo. There is no disadvantage to him in telling you what you want to hear and then moving the goalposts later. Pin him down on details, timescales.

And reconsider your position on marriage if kids are on the table. You're leaving yourself at a financial disadvantage if not married. And I say this as a man with a 15 year old daughter with my partner who I've not married.

Having children = will benefit OP.
Getting married = will benefit and protect OP both in the marriage and afterwards if it fails.

Not surprising why so many men don't want to be tied down. He wants to be free and once he decides to have children, he loses that freedom. Can't blame him.

Being in a relationship without children = benefits both of you.

Seems fair from his pov.

Five minutes on the ´pregnancy choices’ board will show you that it’s very common for men in LTRs to assume contraception failure = automatic abortion and women in LTRs to assume contraception failure = baby earlier than I’d planned.

This is it all exactly. I get that for some it may se m shocking but we’re not all the same. Thanks for being understanding and I will certainly take your advice on board. People may think I sound naive but I know what I want. Thank you again

He's told you where he stands and why he feels that way. He doesn't want kids, because he won't be able to do the things he loves and be spontaneous. I'mnot sure why you want him to explain himself further. As someone who doesn't want children either, his reasons are perfectly sound. Not that he needs a reason beyond simply not wanting them.

I get that this hurts but it's a fundamental incompatibility and I wouldn't hang around waiting for him to change his mind, or putting all your effort into trying to convince him. It won't work.

It's also very common for couples around your age to split up because of this. A good friend of mine split from her boyfriend of several years last year. They were a great couple, they really worked together. But he wanted kids and she didn't, so it had to end. They're still friends and now also having a good time dating and looking for someone who wants the same thing they do. It's not the end of the world, it's the start of a new chapter. You've had what sounds like a great relationship in your 20s - now it's time to move on.

I'm sorry. It's quite possible he didn't know til now that he doesn't want children, and has done the right thing by telling you now he knows.

Or he could have known all along, knew this would be an issue for you, and hid it until he was finally pushed.

Either way - you know now. So you have a choice.

To stay with a man who does not want children and accept a life without them, living with sadness, resentment and regret.

(Oddly enough though they can sometimes realise years later that they DO now want children - and will require someone younger to mother them).

To respect his wishes, as well as your own, and part, as you do have time to create a new relationship with someone who does - and have those conversations early on.

The one thing that is likely to lead to disaster is to get pregnant 'by accident'.

So what do you want most? Him? Or them? Because it seems both will not be possible.

@Rebeccalouise95

Speak to him and try to understand him, by all means. But do realize that he doesn't want to lose you. So chances are what you are going to hear from him is a 'watered down' what he thinks you want to hear. Even if he knows for certain sure that he doesn't want children, you're going to hear 'Maybe, I don't really know how I'll feel in XX years'. So just be prepared for that.

And be prepared to be strung along and then suddenly told "No, I definitely don't want children" when it's too late. This happened to me, even down to picking names for 'future children' together. Then when the time was right to TTC, I was told 'never going to happen'. I ended the marriage at that point. Not just because of that, he was a general arsehole, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. But I would have ended it even if it had been a good marriage because I knew that a large part of my life would have been empty without children. And I was younger than you are now.

What you need to do, should you decide to stay and see what happens, is set yourself a specific time that is your 'shit or get off the pot' date. You don't tell him that date, it is yours to keep to yourself. You still have time, you're young. But you want to give yourself time to get out, find someone who wants children, and settle down with them if you want children and he 'announces' he doesn't. Don't wait until you're 40+ (yes, I know women have babies at 40) to realize your dream will never come true with your DP.

Finally, if having a child is a deep and heartfelt desire, never choose a man over motherhood.

@Rebeccalouise95 definitely not projecting, I've seen a few couples who have been together since they were young and are now around the same age as me (mid 30s) splitting up and getting divorced because they have just found out they want different things.

My cousin and his wife split up as he thought she was enough rather than having children but it split them apart.

Before we got married we laughed at thought of having to go to a marriage preparation class but at the end of the day it was really good. They asked if we had discussed things we wanted and hoped for in our future: finances, housing, children, careers etc and quite a few couples hadn't discussed some of these important subjects.

This is why I'm saying at 27 now is the time to have it, give an ultimatum/definite timeline.

27 is when we started ttc.... took 2.5 years unexplained infertility, now taking over a year to conceive our second child. That's how I don't think 27 is too young to think about children.

The thing is your saying about my situation turning out great... but if you look my thread of what I'm currently going through with my husbands heath you wouldn't think so.
In a relationship some conversations are very hard to have and they just have to be done. Such as life insurance, Wills etc and when we couldn't conceive we had to talk about our next steps if we couldn't become biological parents.

Definitely not saying it's easy and our marriage isn't perfect (no one is) but communication is the key

Oh, I should add that I went on to meet now DH a couple of years afterwards. We've been married over 35 years and raised 2 sons.

He’ll marry the next one I’m afraid, after he’s pissed away more of your time