My long-term partner of 8 years doesn't want childen

[Rebeccalouise95]

Hello,

Just for some back story, me and my partner have been together for almost 8 years. I am 27 and he is 28. We have a home and mortgage together and spent the last couple of years renovating our home.

We touched on the subject of kids last year in couples therapy where my partner stated he couldn't see himself ever being a dad and this broke me. After a few sessions, he said it's not something he wants now but that isn't to say he wouldn't want it in the future. This gave me some slight reassurance as I myself am not ready for children, but know for sure I want a family in the future.

Over the past year, people around me are announcing pregnancies including my best friend. I decided to bring up the topic again and he straight away said - I don't want kids. This has just broken my heart, he is my soul mate and best friend and I cannot picture a life without him. But If we both want different things for the future, surely the best thing for both of us is to leave?

He says that having children means he won't be able to do the things he loves. He is quite wealthy and runs a successful business. He loves the freedom of being able to drop things and go away, do his hobbies etc.

On the other hand, I cannot picture a future for myself that doesn't include raising a family. Most of his friends, colleagues and his sister have children and continue to do what they love, so his reasonings confuse me. But I try to be compassionate and understanding with him as I know it isn't his fault.

I know he doesn't want us to end but I feel as though I have to be selfish if we cannot come to some agreement. I would love some advice on this please - I feel as though I cannot talk to anyone about this as I am ashamed to approach my friends (who are all planning weddings & families).

It may not sound like it, but for the last few days, I feel as though my heart has just been chewed up and everything now feels so uncertain. I feel as though I am grieving my future life and relationship even though it's still very much here.

People often make the mistake of not really hearing what someone is saying (or even showing them) early on in the relationship because they want to carry on with the relationship. Then they later wonder why it's not working out.

You're both being reasonable but you're both incompatible. Your choice to make is to either leave and find someone who is sure they want children like you do or stay and hope he will change his mind one day but don't blame him if he doesn't because he's already said so more than once.

I don't think it's terribly uncommon for men to have a 'placemarker' relationship in their 20s/30s wanting no children. then hit 40s and decide they desperately do, but not with their current gf/wife who is now potentially too old. So they go partner up with someone new and generally younger and start families with them.

Stay if you want, but just know this is a possibility and make peace with that, so not having children and not having the relationship either.

Or if you do want children then leave and find someone who wants them too, or do it solo.

You're at the perfect age biologically. I had my first at 27 but I was with someone much older so it was the right time for him too. I think these days, men aren't ready for dc until mid to late 30s - or older. It's ok for them. Sorry you're in this position OP.

I met my DH at 19 and we married at 27. It was a long time to wait, but we finished university and grew up a bit first.

We waited for a couple of years to have children and the infertility made us wait a few more.

Nothing wrong with not wanting children until your 30s, but listen to him saying he doesn't want them at all. He might change his mind, but by then it might be too late for you.

That means you have the capacity in you to build that with someone else, OP. It doesn’t mean anything especially special about him.

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you are going through this, I got with my partner is 2015 (age 30) and he had always been upfront saying he didn't want any children and I did already have a son, so my situation was different. After bringing it up on occasions he was always very firm with his choice. It got to late 2021 and I totally broke down and gave him an ultimatum saying I needed to have another child and I would be willing to go down that path on my own with a donor etc as I was now nearing 37 and didn't see myself meeting anyone else. To cut a long story short my partner didn't want to lose me and I'm now 21 weeks pregnant, obviously we are older and it was more now or never as I am now 38 and my clock was ticking but we are so very happy and grateful. You do really need to have the hard conversation, I really hope it works out for you x

if we cannot come to some agreement

Unfortunately there is no agreement to be made here, because it’s not the sort of thing you can compromise on. I think sometimes women think their DP will change their mind, but that’s not always the case. I know two couples who have divorced over this issue. It’s heartbreaking, but you need to take some time and decide for yourself what you really want.

I’m so happy for you. I don’t think my DP thinks we will ever be apart and has never considered the thoughts of us breaking up. I haven’t yet given him an ‘ultimatum’ as I really hate that word and have always been a partnership. However I need to tell him that I would be prepared to leave if I wasn’t given the opportunity be a mum. Breaks my heart even writing that. Thanks for your thoughtful message though I appreciate it and wish you so much happiness x

This.

@Rebeccalouise95 your partner does not want kids OP. I wasn't going to type this but.... I will.

There's more chances of you moving on and having a baby than you banking on you will be in a relationship forever more not knowing if he will change his mind. People have affairs and all sorts I wouldn't wait around. He has told you and I know that must be a tough pill to swallow.

He's running down the clock and wasting your fertile years. Run!

Don’t give him an ultimatum. You can make the choice for yourself, which appears to be staying in this relationship without children or ending it and finding somebody else that wants the same as you.

You need to be very brave and honest. It's a deal breaker for you, as it would be for a lot of women. If you're seeing your friends getting pregnant and are getting broody, it's a very strong feeling and will only get stronger as you go into your 30s (in my experience). You have a really good chance at your age of finding someone who does. If he genuinely doesn't want kids, he'll let you go

You can’t stay with someone who doesn’t want the same things in life as you for because of the following :

• you have a nice home
• you have an otherwise good relationship
• you want to enjoy your motor home
• you are only young

none of the above represents anything about what really holds a relationship together. Especially not when it comes to having or not having children.

one of you wanting children and the other not will become more and more of the elephant in the room. Your peers and friends will have children. You will get older and still want them. He could decide when he’s in his mid forties he wants them and probably could easily do that with someone else, how would that make you feel?

love yourself and really him too to not spend the next few years of living a lie about something as enormous as children and parenthood when you are never going to be on the same page.

people often make the mistake of not really hearing what someone is saying (or even showing them) early on in the relationship because they want to carry on with the relationship
I am sorry you're in this position OP. It is really hard but maybe the reason you're hurting is because this is hitting the truth.
Talk to your partner. Be prepared he isn't going to change, or maybe agrees to a baby to keep you, but make sure you're both committed to the same goals before you go ahead.
I don't want to be cynical but I have seen lots of men enjoy long term relationships in their 20's and 30's but not want kids. Then leaving a woman having waited the majority of her fertile years for the right time for someone much younger and swiftly having a family.

It’s a difficult conversation to have but you HAVE to talk to him about it. Tell him that you can’t stay with him if he never wants children. Don’t be fooled by promises of ‘one day’, ‘not ready yet’ or ‘in 5 years’ etc. He’s been very clear that he doesn’t want children and you need to think about the possibility of leaving him.

Dump him dump him dump him.
This is not something you’ll ever be able to forgive if you miss out on a family. Leave now and give yourself time to find someone how wants actually wants children.
Fucking useless selfish men. You can still have adventures with kids, they just look a bit different. In my opinion, to keep a girlfriend/wife aged between about 25 and 40 without being open to kids is fairly unrealistic. Absolutely fine obviously if you find a woman who also doesn’t ever want kids - but this is going to limit your dating pool hugely and should be a first date question.

This. Egg thieves I call them, and I've known 4 women who have been in this exact situation.

To put the same thing another way: if not having kids is a deal breaker for you, then it's time to break the deal. Sorry OP.

Why were you in couples therapy op? Is it possible that the relationship is not as loving or secure as you have been led to believe?

If you stay, you'll resent him forever. Having children is not like being torn between a pizza and Chinese for dinner - you can't compromise or get your turn next week. It's huge.

You need to leave. It's so hard and I'm so sorry but you do. If you want children, you need to.

It's sad, because you love him. But you can't change him. He is sure he doesn't want kids, just as you are sure you want them.

I was once in a similar situation with a previous partner. I remember telling my mum that I felt like he was wasting my life. She said "no, only you can waste your own life". I left him. I've been happily married now to someone else for many years and we have two children.

You only have one life. Live it.

Yeah, also I left my 20s boyfriend like this for similar reasons. He’s still heartbroken and hasn’t really moved on, but I tell you what he also hasn’t had kids!!

I know it's really hard, as everything seems so perfect. But the truth is everything seems so perfect EXCEPT this one really, really important thing. So unfortunately, the relationship is very, very far from perfect for you.

It doesn't mean either of you is wrong (although he should have been explicit with you as soon as he realised he was 100% decided - it's selfish and cruel of him to just keep quiet, almost hoping you'd forget about having children, or that he could keep kicking it in to the long grass until it was too late for you).

Aside from that, it doesn't mean you aren't otherwise a great match.

But it means that in a very fundamental way (one of the most fundamental ways) you aren't compatible.

If you stay together, one of you has to make a huge, life-changing compromise. That will likely create resentment and eat away at your relationship. Even without resentment, there is no guarantee your relationship will last forever. How would you feel if you decided to stay with him and childless, then you broken up anyway in 15 years and then found it was too late to have a child with someone else? I've seen awful posts on here where a woman didn't have children because her OH didn't want them, then he left her and had children with someone else (and it was too late for her).

In 8 years together is this really the first time this is coming up? This is baffling to me.

Realistically you do have to leave - giving him an ultimatum is unfair. How would you feel if he did the same to you? "Agree to not have kids or I'll leave you"?

If he has a child with you just to avoid losing you, you're setting him up to fail as a father. A resentful, begrudging parent is not something that should be inflicted on any child deliberately.

You can't give someone an ultimatum about having kids

He doesn't want them. It would be unfair on him and any children to bring them into this relationship with an unwilling partner

I hear you talk about your past. How strong you were. What you've achieved.

But the fact is your futures look very different.

There is no middle ground with kids.