Page 8 | My long-term partner of 8 years doesn't want childen

Rebeccalouise95 · 2023-03-10T10:03:56+00:00

Hello, Just for some back story, me and my partner have been together for almost 8 years. I am 27 and he is 28. We have a home and mortgage together and spent the last couple of years renovating our home. We touched on the subject of kids last year in couples therapy where my partner stated he couldn't see himself ever being a dad and this broke me. After a few sessions, he said it's not something he wants now but that isn't to say he wouldn't want it in the future. This gave me some slight reassurance as I myself am not ready for children, but know for sure I want a family in the future. Over the past year, people around me are announcing pregnancies including my best friend. I decided to bring up the topic again and he straight away said - I don't want kids. This has just broken my heart, he is my soul mate and best friend and I cannot picture a life without him. But If we both want different things for the future, surely the best thing for both of us is to leave? He says that having children means he won't be able to do the things he loves. He is quite wealthy and runs a successful business. He loves the freedom of being able to drop things and go away, do his hobbies etc. On the other hand, I cannot picture a future for myself that doesn't include raising a family. Most of his friends, colleagues and his sister have children and continue to do what they love, so his reasonings confuse me. But I try to be compassionate and understanding with him as I know it isn't his fault. I know he doesn't want us to end but I feel as though I have to be selfish if we cannot come to some agreement. I would love some advice on this please - I feel as though I cannot talk to anyone about this as I am ashamed to approach my friends (who are all planning weddings & families). It may not sound like it, but for the last few days, I feel as though my heart has just been chewed up and everything now feels so uncertain. I feel as though I am grieving my future life and relationship even though it's still very much here.

Harthacnut · 11/03/2023 18:17

And I know if I was to leave this relationship it would be the most devastating thing I think I’ll ever have to face

@Rebeccalouise95 If this is the most devastating thing you will ever have to face, then you will be very lucky. If you do end up having children, you might see things very differently. There is a thread on MN at the moment by a woman whose daughter has just died of multiple organ failure. The end of a relationship is sad - it can very sad, and you can grieve for the future you thought you had - but it is not the most devastating thing anyone can face. Please don't say that.

Asummersday · 11/03/2023 18:25

Honestly, I just feel like he doesn’t see you as his life long soulmate. My husband & I absolutely do not want kids, but he’s already said if I wanted them, he’d get onboard and have them because he knows how much it would mean to me & wouldn’t want to lose me.

he is essentially valuing his business and personal life over your life together. I just think he doesn’t want you enough to want them

Saharafordessert · 11/03/2023 18:40

OP please don’t be so dismissive of marriage, it will offer you the financial protection and security that your current relationship simply doesn’t have….
best of luck moving forwards though.

whumpthereitis · 11/03/2023 19:12

Asummersday · 11/03/2023 18:25

Honestly, I just feel like he doesn’t see you as his life long soulmate. My husband & I absolutely do not want kids, but he’s already said if I wanted them, he’d get onboard and have them because he knows how much it would mean to me & wouldn’t want to lose me.

he is essentially valuing his business and personal life over your life together. I just think he doesn’t want you enough to want them

I disagree. Someone being your soul mate does not mean you have to change a fundamental desire for your own life in order to keep them (incidentally, if someone is your soulmate you deeply love and respect, would you ask that of them?). I love my husband, but I wouldn’t have children for him or for anyone.

Nanny0gg · 11/03/2023 20:22

Rebeccalouise95 · 10/03/2023 13:23

Yes I am very away of that. I was asking for advice on my situation, not looking for someone to judge and interrogate me. If it was to be that I couldn’t conceive for whatever reason, I would cross that bridge when It comes, with whomever that may be with, hypothetically speaking.

It's relevant. I am wondering which is more important to you; the partner or the possible child. Now you've answered that

Teeheeeheee · 11/03/2023 20:42

whumpthereitis · 11/03/2023 19:12

I disagree. Someone being your soul mate does not mean you have to change a fundamental desire for your own life in order to keep them (incidentally, if someone is your soulmate you deeply love and respect, would you ask that of them?). I love my husband, but I wouldn’t have children for him or for anyone.

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I agree.

Love seems to go one way for some people and can only be measured by what he gives up.

He loves me enough because he'd give up his desire of being child free for my desire to have children

He loves me enough because he'd give up his desire of having children for my desire to be child-free.

Eyerollcentral · 11/03/2023 20:48

Asummersday · 11/03/2023 18:25

Honestly, I just feel like he doesn’t see you as his life long soulmate. My husband & I absolutely do not want kids, but he’s already said if I wanted them, he’d get onboard and have them because he knows how much it would mean to me & wouldn’t want to lose me.

he is essentially valuing his business and personal life over your life together. I just think he doesn’t want you enough to want them

I agree. The OP has no other experience of an adult relationship and has spent 8 years with this man. You aren’t engaged or married and bar a mortgage which is easily gotten out of there’s no commitment to the future. Don’t hang on here for another couple of years hoping he’ll change his mind. If you want kids find someone else who does. I’m sorry to say it but am sure many others like me know of couples like you where the man didn’t want kids or marriage and within 2 years of the relationship ending is married to someone else with a child.

Ermweareemergencyservices · 23/03/2023 15:03

WHat did your partner say @Rebeccalouise95 x

QueenCamilla · 30/03/2023 17:55

Even the very fact he had to go and "have a think" whether he values being child-free more than being with OP has all the answers.
I'd be hurt.

Don't be an option for him OP - walk away.

Yeah, I know you don't like to hear this but men who want to commit, elect to commit. That includes marriage and children.
Maybe I tend to only fancy men who really, really are into me but I haven't had a serious relationship where a man hasn't talked marriage&babies with me. Even when it would be an insane decision for themselves. "The thinking" goes out of the window.

Oblomov23 · 30/03/2023 18:07

Leave. Don't stay. You have incompatible wants.

TedMullins · 30/03/2023 18:34

QueenCamilla · 30/03/2023 17:55

Even the very fact he had to go and "have a think" whether he values being child-free more than being with OP has all the answers.
I'd be hurt.

Don't be an option for him OP - walk away.

Yeah, I know you don't like to hear this but men who want to commit, elect to commit. That includes marriage and children.
Maybe I tend to only fancy men who really, really are into me but I haven't had a serious relationship where a man hasn't talked marriage&babies with me. Even when it would be an insane decision for themselves. "The thinking" goes out of the window.

I agree they should split but I don’t think this is altogether fair. I absolutely adore my partner but when we got together it was on the understanding neither of us wanted kids. So if he changed his mind and said he wanted them, then yes, I would value being childfree more than having a child I don’t want just to keep him. He isn’t unreasonable to feel that way.

mycoffeecup · 30/03/2023 18:35

Leave. it's not unusual for a woman to waste her fertile years on a man like this and when she hits 40 he pisses off and has a baby with a younger woman.

whumpthereitis · 30/03/2023 18:39

TedMullins · 30/03/2023 18:34

I agree they should split but I don’t think this is altogether fair. I absolutely adore my partner but when we got together it was on the understanding neither of us wanted kids. So if he changed his mind and said he wanted them, then yes, I would value being childfree more than having a child I don’t want just to keep him. He isn’t unreasonable to feel that way.

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Same. By the same logic in that post, she doesn’t love him enough because if she did she’d choose him over children.

Even when deeply in love there are still dealbreakers, and one would be fundamental incompatibility. If someone doesn’t want children then it’s not a minor thing that can just be given up on. No one should be expected to live miserably in order to make someone else happy, and if you love someone you’d never ask them to.

Lookingoutside · 30/03/2023 18:43

You must be hurting so much OP.

I can promise you that there is life without him. It would be very different to the life you have planned but neither of you should have to compromise on something so fundamental to your respective happiness.

You’re both very young so no need to rush to a decision, but be brave, take control and make the right one for you.

ilikeyarn · 30/03/2023 18:44

I'm glad your partner said he'd talk to his family. My suggestion is to get his father to have a talk with him. Another person to ask to talk to him would be an older man from his work. Essentially, you think you are the most important person for him to consult. But many men are actually influenced more by older men in their social circle, or men who are already fathers.

It's the same for when you have children in your life (one way or the other, I imagine you having children). Women think they are the most important person in their teenage girl's life when it comes to them deciding things. But often it's their peer group or another mentor, such as a teacher or coach, that is the biggest influence.

You also need help from above. Ie. speaking to God.
You might both use a religious revival.

I think the more ready you are for motherhood, the better. Reflect on some of the ways you'd make a great mother.

maddy68 · 30/03/2023 19:11

You are in couples therapy son the relationship isn't as secure as you make it sound

It's a massive thing having children. He's right to be cautious. If he really doesn't. It's reevaluate time

Billy84 · 30/03/2023 19:42

Hi Rebecca! My sister had a similar problem and now I'll try to give advice which has helped her. Have you ever tried to involve his family or priest in this problem? I mean that if you're not an experienced sales manager who can persuade your husband it could be your last chance. If you think that it's the most important priority for yourself, you should try to involve authorities for him. His parents or friends, maybe his colleagues.
Finally, As I know, women often make holes in condoms to conceive and this method may help you.

AviMav · 30/03/2023 19:50

Billy84 · 30/03/2023 19:42

Hi Rebecca! My sister had a similar problem and now I'll try to give advice which has helped her. Have you ever tried to involve his family or priest in this problem? I mean that if you're not an experienced sales manager who can persuade your husband it could be your last chance. If you think that it's the most important priority for yourself, you should try to involve authorities for him. His parents or friends, maybe his colleagues.
Finally, As I know, women often make holes in condoms to conceive and this method may help you.

He doesn't want kids. OPS partner mentioned this to her early on. He is young and perhaps he will change his mind in 10 years time.

OP has to do what best for her.

whumpthereitis · 30/03/2023 20:29

Billy84 · 30/03/2023 19:42

Hi Rebecca! My sister had a similar problem and now I'll try to give advice which has helped her. Have you ever tried to involve his family or priest in this problem? I mean that if you're not an experienced sales manager who can persuade your husband it could be your last chance. If you think that it's the most important priority for yourself, you should try to involve authorities for him. His parents or friends, maybe his colleagues.
Finally, As I know, women often make holes in condoms to conceive and this method may help you.

Aka get his family (or priest? Wtf?) to pressure him into doing something he’s been quite clear he doesn’t want to do. And poking holes in the condoms? Fucking hell that’s gross.

Talk about a complete lack of respect for the partner and his right to determine his own life.

YukoandHiro · 30/03/2023 20:31

Yes. Leave him now while you're young. My friend had a similar experience and it didn't unravel til mid 30s and she missed her chance to have children. You can take control of your own story here; it's sad, but you need to be true to yourself and it sounds like you have different views about the future you want

QueenCamilla · 01/04/2023 23:43

TedMullins · 30/03/2023 18:34

I agree they should split but I don’t think this is altogether fair. I absolutely adore my partner but when we got together it was on the understanding neither of us wanted kids. So if he changed his mind and said he wanted them, then yes, I would value being childfree more than having a child I don’t want just to keep him. He isn’t unreasonable to feel that way.

Show quote history

I completely agree and we are saying the same thing in a different way.

I walked away from a relationship when DP started talking "picket fence & babies" in passing. In just a fleeting way.
I knew my stance (I have one 9yo already and definitely do not want more) and I had to make that decision sharpish and not allow him to waste his time and dreams on me.

I'd be hurt in OP's situation about all the uhmmmming-ahmmming he's doing. Going to his family to talk? Wtf?
I'd lose all will of baby-making after that.

QueenCamilla · 02/04/2023 00:10

Same. By the same logic in that post, she doesn’t love him enough because if she did she’d choose him over children.

Even when deeply in love there are still dealbreakers, and one would be fundamental incompatibility. If someone doesn’t want children then it’s not a minor thing that can just be given up on. No one should be expected to live miserably in order to make someone else happy, and if you love someone you’d never ask them to.

@whumpthereitis

The logic (though it's not logical but a basic reality of life) in my post was referring to the fact that willing/interested men DO commit in some sort of way. Marriage, babies... Something. One or both of those. This guy is giving nothing. No signs of commitment. So either not that interested or a commitment-phobe and I wouldn't bother with either of those types if a secure family life with children was on my wish-list!

As it stands, a part-time live-apart relationship with a commitment phobe would suit me well.

I'd be happy to put it to vote with men : would they seek commitment with THE ONE. It would be an unsual one who wouldn't.

My female cousin was for 13 years together with someone for whom marriage and children were an unbearable (in his words) thought.
Within two years of them separating he was a married father of one. Few more years - a married father of three. Story as old as the history itself.

My cousin had terrible fertility struggles, miscarriages, trauma and just now had her first and only at 43. It very nearly never happened for her.

whumpthereitis · 02/04/2023 00:30

QueenCamilla · 02/04/2023 00:10

Same. By the same logic in that post, she doesn’t love him enough because if she did she’d choose him over children.

Even when deeply in love there are still dealbreakers, and one would be fundamental incompatibility. If someone doesn’t want children then it’s not a minor thing that can just be given up on. No one should be expected to live miserably in order to make someone else happy, and if you love someone you’d never ask them to.

@whumpthereitis

The logic (though it's not logical but a basic reality of life) in my post was referring to the fact that willing/interested men DO commit in some sort of way. Marriage, babies... Something. One or both of those. This guy is giving nothing. No signs of commitment. So either not that interested or a commitment-phobe and I wouldn't bother with either of those types if a secure family life with children was on my wish-list!

As it stands, a part-time live-apart relationship with a commitment phobe would suit me well.

I'd be happy to put it to vote with men : would they seek commitment with THE ONE. It would be an unsual one who wouldn't.

My female cousin was for 13 years together with someone for whom marriage and children were an unbearable (in his words) thought.
Within two years of them separating he was a married father of one. Few more years - a married father of three. Story as old as the history itself.

My cousin had terrible fertility struggles, miscarriages, trauma and just now had her first and only at 43. It very nearly never happened for her.

And I know people that ended relationships because they didn’t want marriage and/or children, entered new ones and…continued to not want marriage and/or children. That, funnily enough, is also reality.

The point is that it’s not up to him to change for her, any more than it is for her to change for him. If two people are just not compatible then as sad as that may be, that’s fine. It really doesn’t have to be indicative of some failing or lack of love on the part of either.

Your cousin, and I am assuming that she didn’t and doesn’t lack agency, chose to be with her ex for fourteen years. Whatever his reasons were for changing his mind, he didn’t owe her a child, and she did have the option of walking away earlier to find someone who did want the same things she did.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 02/04/2023 18:12

Billy84 · 30/03/2023 19:42

Hi Rebecca! My sister had a similar problem and now I'll try to give advice which has helped her. Have you ever tried to involve his family or priest in this problem? I mean that if you're not an experienced sales manager who can persuade your husband it could be your last chance. If you think that it's the most important priority for yourself, you should try to involve authorities for him. His parents or friends, maybe his colleagues.
Finally, As I know, women often make holes in condoms to conceive and this method may help you.

Wow.

Your religion isn't big on the whole not lying & deceiving thing then?

80sPrincess · 04/05/2023 19:08

I'm sorry you didn't have anyone wise to warn or guide you when you first started this relationship but you should have had these conversations when you first started dating before wasting 8 years and a deposit on an incompatible relationship. Hope it eventually worked out for you both.