He only wants to get married after a drink

[squaresc]

DP has proposed a few times whilst drunk, but when he's sober he won't talk about it. I've gently broached the subject asking things like "are we still engaged" and "should we talk about this sober?" He just gets a bit stressed and the conversation tapers off.

He's asked my ring size before but no sign of a ring.

We've been together 5 years, in the process of buying a house and planning on TTC once we've moved.

He's almost 40, he (sober) had told me previously that he was planning on proposing at the end of last year. Why is it so hard?

It really shouldn’t be that hard.
If he wanted to get married he would propose. If marriage is something you absolutely want, you may need to rethink the relationship. I’d put the breaks on house buying and TTC whilst you decide if marriage is important to you. How would you feel if you never got a proposal from him?

just ask him when he’s sober what kind of wedding he fancies. Say you don’t want some tacky big movie gesture, you love him and want to get married. Are you both on the same page regarding the actual wedding?

How is the house being financed and will you be financially independent after having a child?

^
This and also are both your names going on deeds?

in a relationship which is right for marriage it isn’t hard, the fact you cannot openly discuss this and agree says marriage isn’t right, and you should not be ttc unless you’re happy to ensure your financial independence going forward.

I’d want to murder him, what a ridiculous and insulting way to behave. He doesn’t get to not talk about it sober. Either you’re in an equal partnership and both get to talk about anything you like or he considers himself your boss and he gets to control your conversations.

If he’s worth it the rest of the time and you do want to marry him then just sit down sober and insist you discuss it. Don’t be titting around with ring sizes and hints and promises to propose.

You’re an adult, you get a say in your future, it’s not your role to sit patiently by and wait for him to honour you with a proposal of one sort or another. If you’re planning big stuff like moves and having kids then married is one of those equally big things and you should both be able to talk about them sensibly and soberly!!!!!

This isn't a good sign. How insulting that he only wants to marry you when he's drunk. How cruel to ask your ring size and lead you to think he's going to propose.... then doing nothing. How childish to refuse to discuss it with you.

I wouldn't TTC until you are married. I imagine if you have a baby, you'll end up never getting married, and then if you split, and you've taken a financial / career hit, you aren't protected.

Besides, I wouldn't want to have a child with a man who knows I want to marry him but isn't committed enough to marry me.

And if you can't talk about something unless someone is drunk.... it's not a good sign for your relationship.

Like pp said, I would say to him 'I don't want or need a proposal, but I do want to get married. Let's set the date now'. If he wants to marry you, there's no reason to delay setting a date (you're talking about TTC for goodness sake, he can hardly say you're rushing him). If he doesn't want to marry you, it will flush him out and he'll have to be honest with you.

If he hasn't been honest and has been stringing you along, I would walk.

I've said a lot of this to him, about how I'd just want a small wedding, it's about the security, I'd only want family there and even that the ring doesn't need to be fancy or expensive. I've said we can pick it together if that's stressing him out.

The house will be split down the middle but my deposit is bigger than his, he will pay more monthly on the mortgage (60/40).

I have told him I won't TTC until we get married, it's not something he is remotely interested in pushing.

I really don't want to sign a mortgage and get stuck in a house with someone who is full of empty promises.

I don't expect rose petals and violins, I just want a ring and a date set. I don't think that's too much to ask.

I think he's saying what you want to hear when he's pissed but doesn't really mean it.

Ask him what name the baby will have, that goes with your surname … That will get him thinking.

Pull out of this house purchase, because you WILL be "stuck in a house with someone who is full of empty promises."

If you do decide to shackle yourself financially to him (I wouldn't, I really wouldn't) you need to make sure your bigger deposit is ringfenced and you get it back when it all goes tits-up and you need to sell. Be VERY hard-headed about your money.

And for God's sake, do not have a child with this man!

Come on. If he can't say it sober you already know where this is going. If he was genuine he wouldn't need to be drunk to say it.

I think you're all right. This goes beyond normal levels of nerves surrounding getting married. I'll let him know that it's gotten to the point that I don't believe him anymore.

A friend's boyfriend used to do this. He finally proposed sober and walked out a month later!

Just put a few shots in his coffee every morning, keep him drunk til you're married.

To be fair, it's obviously on his mind if it's happened a few times, I don't think it sounds hopeless!

I have told him I won't TTC until we get married, it's not something he is remotely interested in pushing.

You are the only one in this relationship who is planning on TTC.

He does not want to marry you and he does not want children with you.

He could not make it any plainer.

I think you'll find that once you've sunk your 'bigger deposit than his' into a house with him, even his drunken talk of marriage will cease.

Probably doesn’t want a baby and that’s why he won’t get married as he knows you won’t TTC until you’re married

Why string me along though? I don't understand why people waste eachothers lives with lies like this.

He has a six year old, he's quite happy to allow me to be involved in her life, yet won't be honest about what makes him happy.

I know actions speak louder than words but it's just cruel to pretend you want the same thing as someone when you don't. I will never understand it.

He wants you around as you make his life better. Perhaps as you help him parent, or make him dinners, share the bills, or are a warm body to have free sex with.

While still keeping his options open as he’s not convinced you’re the one and secretly thinks he can do better.

Prick.

Sorry OP.

Men don’t usually want to be alone. And you’re helping him look after a six year old too. It’s very simple, if he wanted to marry he wouldn’t leave you in any doubt. Five years at 40 is longer than enough to know. Don’t let him mess you around any further. Put your foot down before you go any further and say if we aren’t getting married the house, the baby is all off.

"Great you proposed again last night, we're engaged, let's go pick out the ring, we'll go Saturday, and I've contacted registry office for wedding, shall I book slot in next month" then see what he says

So before we buy house, we need to get married . If you're not married protect your larger deposit legally

Bc once you have DCs you'll regret not being married

If he Baulks at any of that, time to decide to move on

He has a six year old, he's quite happy to allow me to be involved in her life

Oh I'll bet he is.

Given your latest update I think you need to be asking yourself if you really want to have children with a man who left a relationship and found himself someone to be stepmum to his baby from that relationship, before the baby was much more than 1 year old.

@WhereYouLeftIt has said exactly what I was going to.

I understand though that time is ticking on with regard to TTC so if he's otherwise a decent chap and you want to go ahead, be ruthless with regard to protecting yourself, your assets, your career and your pension. It might be that investing in the joint property IS in your best interests long term, if you might well stick with this chap unmarried, but wise up first and get legal advice.

It does sound like he's one of these who isn't going to marry you, will happily string you along, and will happily have you have his child without the security that marriage would provide to you. I had a similar arrangement (a Deed of Trust) with my partner with regard to the deposit as I was putting more, and thankfully so. Shame it didn't occur to me with regard to the getting married bit (it was me stalling for what I thought were good reasons but they weren't) because even with the deposit protected, I came off much worse when we split after being together a really long time (when pensions etc. are taken into account), having been an SAHM. Doh!

The Deed of Trust is not enough though, if you are not married you need advice on how best to protect yourself in terms of the 60/40 paying of the mortgage, and frankly other living expenses, both when you are working now, and should you have a child in the future where you will have maternity leave, childcare, and may go back to work part time or in a less challenging role or both.

Don't trust this man fully, anyway.

Should I stop? I thought he'd come around and that it was just nerves preventing him from proposing. I don't want to pressure him into a life he doesn't even want. It's reached the point where I need to know if I should stay and keep trying or give up.

Yes, you should stop.
You don’t want to settle for someone who may ‘come around’. The right person will leave you in no doubt that they want to be joined with you forever.
Walk away.